July 25, 2012 · 10:19 am

Your Bed

I love my bed. Especially since I slept on a futon for a few years. I’ve noticed your bed is your sanctuary; it’s the best place in the world. It’s where you feel truly comfortable and at peace and there’s nowhere else like it. When you are stressed out at work or drunk at a party, your natural instinct is to go home and collapse on your bed. You can tell a difference between a hotel bed, or a guestroom bed, or your girlfriend’s bed… nothing compares to your bed. You can change your sheets, your mattress, your entire bedroom and it won’t matter. Your body will naturally adapt and know this new bed is your bed. Some days you don’t want to leave your bed. Those are the best days. Your bed is your bed and there are no substitutes. Love your bed.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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July 24, 2012 · 9:10 am

The Dark Knight Rises

Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy reaches its stunning conclusion in The Dark Knight Rises. Batman has been MIA for eight years and Gotham City needs a hero. A new villain named Bain wants to destroy Gotham and Batman can have none of that nonsense. The Dark Knight must rise to the occasion. Christian Bale returns as Batman/Bruce Wayne, and Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Gary Oldman reprise their characters. Joining the cast is Anne Hathaway as Catwoman/Selina Kyle, Tom Hardy as Bane, Marion Cotillard as Miranda Tate, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as John Blake.

The movie begins 8 years after the events of the second movie. Batman has been retired and Bruce Wayne is a recluse. A terrorist with a terrifying mask and a shady past is bent on terrorizing Gotham with acts of terror to terrify the citizens. Tom Hardy plays Bane and he is a badass. He is evil personified. He is super strong and super smart and super evil. And he’s got a grudge against Batman.

Bruce Wayne has neglected Wayne Enterprises and himself. Everything in his life is in shambles, he’s lost track of who he is. One day he stumbles across a cat burglar (Anne Hathaway) stealing his mother’s pearls and copies of his fingerprints for some reason. The cat burglar’s real name is Selina Kyle and she sells Bruce’s fingerprints to a shady businessman named Dagget.

Meanwhile a young cop named John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) recognizes the deceased body of a young orphan found in the sewers. He goes to visit the orphanage and finds out that there are rumors of employment in the sewers. It turns out Bane and his terrorist army have established a nice little base in the pipes beneath the city. Commissioner Gordon ends up down in Bane’s lair and escapes but nearly dies in the process. The only person who believes his story of a masked lunatic in the sewers is John Blake.

Blake and Gordon want Bruce Wayne to don the cape and come back. He’s reluctant at first, but a visit to Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) and a showcase of all the new toys and technology start to make him change his mind. Alfred (Michael Caine) doesn’t want Bruce to be Batman again. He is afraid that Bruce wants to fail.

Bane launches an attack on the stock exchange and that’s enough incentive to bring Batman back out of the shadows. There’s an awesome chase scene involving bad guys on motorcycles with hostages, Batman on his Batpod, and hundreds of police vehicles trying to capture the Bat. Of course he escapes in spectacular fashion, he’s the goddamn Batman.

Dagget used Bruce’s fingerprints as part of a scheme that bankrupts Bruce and makes him lost control of Wayne Enterprises. Bruce is able to have Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard) take over the company. Dagget is pissed that his plot backfired and has a little hissy fit and bitches at Bane. Bane reveals that he doesn’t work for Dagget, and that Dagget is just a pawn in his game. And then he kills Dagget for good measure.

Batman confronts Bane in the sewers and they have a fight. Batman gets the shit beat out of him. Bane breaks his back and dumps him in a foreign prison. Bane starts to implement his terrorist plans on Gotham. I don’t want to get into specifics, but it’s an epic takeover and it looks pretty bleak for Gotham and Batman.

The Dark Knight must rise from his prison and return to Gotham, but he will need help. Luckily he’s not alone. Commissioner Gordon, John Blake, and Selina Kyle also rise to the occasion. Hopefully good will triumph over evil.

This is one of the best comic book movies to date. I don’t think it’s quite as good as The Dark Knight. In fact, I don’t think it’s even the best superhero movie this summer. The Amazing Spider-Man and The Avengers are both great candidates for that title. They are more fun. Christopher Nolan’s world is really dark and gloomy. There’s no joy, there’s no humor. They closest thing to a joke is when Batman is talking to Catwoman and she suddenly disappears and he quips “So that’s what that feels like.” Nolan spends so much time trying to make a realistic Batman that it’s disappointing when you see stupid Hollywood clichés, like when Gordon drops the signal jammer and it’s slightly out of reach or how Selina Kyle can ride the Batpod just as good as Batman without any practice. Maybe she’s a great driver, maybe Bruce just sucks.

The hardest part of the movie for me to watch was the attack on the stadium. Prior to the attack there’s a young boy singing the National Anthem. It was the first time that I’ve heard it since the Aurora Twelve massacre. The movie theater is supposed to be a sanctuary from the world, a place of escape, a place to be safe from reality. And from now on there will always be a little bit of hesitation in the back of your mind about going to the cinema. But I felt like I had to see this movie. It’s important to live your life and not be afraid. That’s one of the themes of the film.

Quick spoiler: at the end Batman takes the nuclear bomb away from Gotham and it explodes over the ocean. Disaster averted, Gotham wasn’t blown up. But now everyone will get radiation poisoning and die of cancer. That’s not a happy ending.

The reappearance of Batman is awesome. There’s no big flashy entrance, there’s no lame montage of putting on the suit… he just suddenly shows up in the suit in the middle of a pursuit and Joel Schumacher should take notes.

Bane is a terrifying villain. He is Batman’s equal but leans toward the evil side. Tom Hardy does a great job and I predict several years of typecasting for him. I’m looking forward to it.

The Dark Knight Rises is a great film and it’s worth seeing. You might feel awkward about it; you might feel guilty about it. The Aurora Twelve incident with always be associated with this movie and you don’t want to talk about it, but you have to acknowledge it. Seeing this movie is a way to honor their memories and to move forward. Movies are an escape, we can’t be afraid to enjoy them. Seeing this movie is a way to say that you won’t be afraid.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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July 24, 2012 · 8:34 am

David Dill Pickle Sunflower Seeds

Calling yourself a baseball fan without liking sunflower seeds is like calling yourself a Republican without owning a gun. It’s essential to be part of the club. Sunflower seeds are a great snack, and David brand seeds are the best. They make a few flavors like Original, Ranch, and BBQ, but one of their lesser known flavors is Dill Pickle. It’s kind of weird idea to have something that’s pickle flavored and not a pickle, but it works. It’s a subtle pickle flavor, but it’s definitely there. It might take a few minutes to get used to the flavor and I can’t see anyone outside of pregnant chicks actually craving them, but if you eat seeds and want a little variety, they aren’t bad.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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July 23, 2012 · 10:10 am

Glory

Glory is based on the true story of the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, the first formal US Army unit made up of black soldiers. And Hollywood is racist, so Matthew Broderick plays the main character. Edward Zwick (The Last Samurai) directs and Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, and Cary Elwes costar in one of the better movies set during the US Civil War.

Captain Robert Gould Shaw (Ferris Bueller) is the son of abolitionists and is currently fighting in the Civil War for the Union Army. He gets injured in a battle and goes home to Boston where he gets promoted to Colonel and assumes control over the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry. He recruits his friend Cabot Forbes (Cary Elwes) to be his second-in-command. He’s also white. The first black guy who joins them is Thomas (Andre Braugher), a childhood friend of Cabot and Shaw’s.

A bunch of men join the unit for a chance to fight, to prove themselves both honorable and equal. Denzel Washington plays Trip, an escaped slave with a chip on his shoulder for understandable reasons. Jihmi Kennedy plays Jupiter Sharts, a free black man who seems naïve and innocent compared to Trip. Morgan Freeman plays Rawlins, who plays the wise old mentor figure who can still kick some ass.

Shaw’s tasked with getting the 54th into fighting shape, something that’s not easy to do. The men train and bond and establish their characters and relationships. They have to fight for boots, rifles, and uniforms. The men work hard and improve, but it becomes clear that they aren’t likely to see any action on account of all the racism.

Shaw blackmails his commanding officers and gets his men to the front lines. They win a small skirmish in South Carolina. And Shaw volunteers the 54th to lead a suicide assault on Fort Wagner. Not to ruin anything, but they pretty much all die. It was a suicide assault after all.

Robert Shaw was a real guy. He really did command the 54th infantry. The movie has to include him. But Shaw is a shitty main character. He is kind of racist but not really. He’s kind of a coward but not really. He just kind of stands around and occasionally does something to advance the plot, but he seems to just be plodding along. All of the good scenes are about Trip, Rawlins, Thomas, and Jupiter. They are the heart of the movie. A movie about a black army unit should focus on the black army unit.

Morgan Freeman is always good, and this movie is no exception. But Denzel Washington steals the show. Trip is a great character. The scene where he gets whipped for desertion is hard to watch, but you can’t turn away. You feel his pain.

The battle scenes are explosive, violent, bloody, and realistic. Edward Zwick knows how to balance out riveting action sequences with quieter and more reflective scenes. This is a great movie, it’s a classic. You watch it and you want to learn more about the 54th. Those brave soldiers fought with courage and honor and deserve to be remembered. They should be the focus of the film, not their white leader.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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July 23, 2012 · 10:03 am

Laundry Day

One downside of living in society is having to wear clothes all the time. So most people have a wardrobe. You can’t wear dirty clothes if you want people to accept you so you have to wash your shit every couple of weeks. Laundry day can be a chore and a hassle. Especially if you go to the Laundromat. You can either sit there and watch your clothes spin around for an hour or you can leave and hope that no one steals your shit. Neither option is very appealing.

The best thing about laundry day is that you can use it as an excuse, “I can’t do it that day, it’s my only day off and I need to do laundry.” It’s more practical that saying you have to go to the dentist and way more believable than claiming you have a bunch of errands to run.

Laundry day is a part of life, at least until you win the lotto and can afford a brand new outfit every day.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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July 22, 2012 · 10:15 am

Watching Movies on TV

Most people like movies. It’s pretty cool to sit on your ass and be transported to a different world and to live vicariously through the people on the screen. The best way to watch a movie is to go to the movie theater. Some people prefer watching a movie at home on Blu-ray/DVD or stream it from Netflix or Hulu. Some people rely on premium movie channels like HBO. HBO is ok because they don’t cut out anything or have commercials. For the most part, watching movies on TV is the worst way to go. You should avoid movies on basic cable channels. A movie’s pacing is important, and it gets destroyed with the constant commercial breaks. Movies need momentum, and each time Andy Dufresne does something uplifting and it cuts to some bitch pitching dog food you can’t care about the character as much. Sometimes they have to cut out violent scenes and vulgar dialog. They replace cool lines, no matter how essential to the movie it is. If John McClane doesn’t say “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker,” then you aren’t watching Die Hard.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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July 22, 2012 · 10:10 am

Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is when a writer can’t write anything. Sometimes they don’t have anything interesting to write about, sometimes they just can’t communicate their thoughts in a coherent manner. Writer’s block sucks. I’m suffering from it right now and it’s a bitch to push your way from punctuation point to punctuation point, trying to fill up the empty spots on the page with something worth reading. It doesn’t always work, so sometimes you will just ramble on about nothing in particular. I’m struggling to write each sentence, even this one. This one too. But I’m slowly getting to a decent length. A few more lines and I will be satisfied. I just don’t know what to say, on account of the writer’s block. Did I mention that writer’s block sucks? Because it does.

Critically Rated at 2/17

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July 21, 2012 · 9:03 am

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

You can’t stop the end of the word from happening. Just ask John Connor. You also can’t stop a studio from making unnecessary sequels. Just ask anyone who saw this movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger is back for another installment, but James Cameron is missing. Linda Hamilton is missing. Edward Furlong is missing. It seems like a very empty class reunion with a bunch of imposters standing in for your friends.

T3 starts off with John Connor (played by Nick Stahl this time) recapping his life story. Judgment Day didn’t happen when they said it would happen, Sarah Connor is dead, and now he lives off-the-grid, doing construction work and dropping beer bottles off bridges.

Skynet sends back a T-X model terminator (Kristanna Loken) to track down John Connor’s future lieutenants because they can’t find John Connor. It pays to live off-the-grid. The human fighters send back another Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) to protect the lieutenants and John. One of the lieutenants is Kate Brewster (Claire Danes), who works at an animal hospital. John crashes his motorcycle and breaks into the animal hospital for some animal medication, and he has a reunion with Kate. It turns out that John and Kate shared a kiss the day before the events of the second movie. John was just too busy running around avoiding death to mention that he got some loving the night before.

The T-X crashes the party and tries to kill them. But then the Terminator shows up and saves them. And then there’s a huge chase scene with driverless cop cars and fire trucks and a big ass cranemobile and utter destruction.

John and Kate plus the Terminator escape and go to visit Sarah Connor’s gravesite. But it’s not a gravesite. It’s a weapons cache. The cops show up and the T-X shows up and there’s a huge gun battle in the middle of the cemetery. Our trynamic trio escapes in a hearse. Its really impressive symbolism, staging an explosive firefight in a place associated with death is an affirmation of life (that’s meant to be sarcasm, not to be profound).

The Terminator spews out a bunch of facts he was withholding until now, because now it’s time to advance the plot. John and Kate get married in the future and they have a couple of kids. And John got killed in the future by the same Terminator that is protecting him now. Oh, and today is Judgment Day.

Kate’s dad is in the military, and he’s in charge of a bunch of computer programs and projects, one of which is Skynet. Skynet has already become self-aware and is now slowly taking over. John, Kate, and Arnie show up to warn him about Skynet but the T-X shows up and shoots him. He tells John and Kate to go to an old military base to stop the inevitable.

The Terminator gets corrupted by the T-X and almost kills John, but he doesn’t cause that would end the movie and any chance for a sequel. Instead he shuts himself down and lets John and Kate escape. They get to the military base and there’s one last robot fight before John and Kate realize that they are in a fallout shelter. Kate’s dad sent them there to save them from the nuclear attacks. Judgment Day was unavoidable after all.

It’s kind of weird that the third movie is all about Judgment Day and that was the name of the second movie. It’s like if they spent a bunch of time talking about the Empire striking back in Return of the Jedi. What’s really weird is that the first three movies in the franchise are built around an actor who doesn’t play the main character or even the same character. Terminator is about Sarah Connor. T2 is about John and Sarah Connor. T3 is about John Connor. Arnie doesn’t even play the same robot in all three. He plays the same model robot, but each one is a new character.

The movie makes a lot of references to the first two movies. There are a few inside jokes and recreated shots. But they also ignore a lot of the rules that the first movies established. Important rules too, like not being able to send back explosive weapons. The T-X has built-in blaster guns. She can also control machines and change her appearance. She is so technologically advanced she is magic.

This is not a bad movie. It’s just a bad idea to make another sequel without the majority of the cast from the earlier installments returning. And excluding key characters like Sarah Connor. Sarah Connor is the heart of the Terminator franchise. The general plot is good, but it’s missing the characters that you care about and the cast that you care about. You can’t make a Terminator movie without Arnold, but you can’t make one with just him either. And he looks old as fuck in this one.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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July 21, 2012 · 8:54 am

People Watching

People are fascinating. There are billions of us, scurrying around all over the place, each one of us doing our own thing. It’s fun to sit up on a balcony over a busy street and just watch the little puppets below acting out their lives oblivious to you watching them. You’ll see old ladies inching their way down the sidewalk. You’ll notice little brothers annoying their older sisters. You’ll observe homeless guys muttering to themselves. You’ll hear a douche on the phone saying the same thing over and over and over. You’ll spot the most awkward and opposite couple making out and laugh at the thought of them having sex. And you might feel bad for judging them but if you go people watching long enough, you can’t help but hate the human race. Or pity them.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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July 20, 2012 · 9:38 am

Getting a Shitty Song Stuck in Your Head

Pop songs are catchy. They are scientifically engineered to have a catchy hook that gets in your head and refuses to leave. It can drive you crazy. It’s not so bad when you have a song by the Beatles or the Beastie Boys stuck in your head, but getting a shitty song stuck in your head is the main cause of suicide. I don’t have the stats to back up that statement, but I feel like everyone should be aware of the dangers of being driven to death by meaningless lyrics set to three simple chords.

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Getting a shitty song stuck in your head is bad, but it gets worse. Singing that shitty song out loud is pretty terrible. Especially if you’re as tone-deaf as I am. It’s just as embarrassing to be singing Justin Bieber. Then you have to defend yourself and simultaneously explain how you knew that song in the first place, “I don’t even know who Justice Beaver is, I swear!”

Critically Rated at 5/17

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July 20, 2012 · 9:35 am

Peer Pressure

Back in the day, peer pressure was what got you to start drinking. Then you get a little bit older, and peer pressure is what keeps you drinking. You will be tired and beat from working earlier that day, but you’ll decide to go out a few drinks with a group. You don’t want to be the one who ducks out early or doesn’t keep up with everyone else. Each time you pay for a round and see your wad of cash disappearing, you want to be responsible and run away. But then someone will offer to buy you another round or chastise you for being a baby. So you stay, even though your liver and your brain are telling you to get the fuck out of there. Peer pressure is letting your drunk friend talk you into being as drunk as he is. Everyone is doing it, so you might as well too. Cheers.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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July 19, 2012 · 7:00 am

Your Team

If you are a fan of a team, you share in each victory and each loss. You are a part of the team. If they won, you won and we won. If they lost, you lost and we lost.  That’s why you wear jerseys when you go to the stadium. You are one with the players, you are one with the team.

When you wear your team colors, you are responsible for knowing what is happening with your team. If you’re wearing a Saints jersey, be prepared to talk about the Drew Brees contract. If you are wearing a Yankees hat and it’s game day, you better know who is pitching. You don’t wear a team’s colors for fashion: you wear it for pride. You wear it to show off your team’s winning record, you wear it to piss off your rivals, and you wear it to show faith when they are losing.

Your local team’s logo is like your family crest, you can’t always choose which one you ended up with, but you will represent it with all your heart and soul. Your team defines you, it shapes who you are. You can talk shit about your team, your fellow fans can talk shit about them, but no one else is allowed to say talk shit about them (at least not to your face). Your team is your team, not their team. Be proud.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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July 19, 2012 · 6:55 am

Spilling Beer on Yourself

I drink beer a lot. I consider myself to be pretty good at it. Sometimes I get all of it into my mouth. Sometimes I dribble on my shirt a little bit. Spilling beer on yourself is going to happen, you can’t avoid it. The more people that are present, the more likely you are to spill on yourself. You just have to wipe your mouth off and hope no one notices the wet spot on your shirt. It’s not embarrassing if everyone does it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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July 18, 2012 · 8:53 am

Being a Regular

A lot of places use a system for remembering if you are a regular patron to that particular establishment. A lot of coffee shops, sandwich spots, and burger joints will use a janky card that you use to punch out a hole with each purchase and your tenth hole is a free meal. Fuck that. The only place worth being a regular is at a bar. If a bartender knows you and recognizes you (and knows that you tip), you will get your drinks faster and stronger and occasionally free. Being a regular means you are established, that they know you. When you go into a place and they ask if you want the usual, you feel special. You also feel like a drunken loser who goes to the same spot way too much, but it’s nice to feel welcomed. You feel like you’re in Cheers or at Moe’s Tavern.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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July 18, 2012 · 8:50 am

Paper Towels

Americans like to buy things just to throw them away. We love paper plate and plastic cutlery because throwing that shit away is easier than cleaning up. Take paper towels for example. They are handy for wiping up spills and cleaning around the house. They are like napkins and cleaning rags combined into one inferior product and they come on an elongated toilet paper roll. It’s the ultimate middle finger to the environment. None only am I going to chop down this tree, I’m going to make sure that the end product can only be used once before it’s tossed away. And we wonder how global warming became a problem. But I’m fucking lazy and a hypocrite and I have a few rolls of Bounty in the cabinet, so who am I to judge?

Critically Rated at 8/17

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July 17, 2012 · 9:43 am

Pelada (documentary)

There’s no denying that football/soccer is a global game. They play it almost every country on the map. There are numerous professional leagues and a little event called the World Cup where the best players in the world have their chance to represent their countries and compete for national pride. There are billions of fans and millions of players… and most of those players didn’t have what it takes to play professionally. The passion for the game doesn’t just go away and so they play any way that they can. Pelada is a documentary about pickup soccer games around the world.

The documentary follows Luke and Gwendolyn, two former college stars who didn’t quite make it professionally. Their whole life, their identity was soccer/football. And when you realize you can’t achieve your dreams you have to redefine yourself somehow. They embarked on a six month long trip across 25 countries, finding games and joining in. Football/soccer is a unifier and they meet people with interesting stories and finding out what the game means to them, how it defines them.

They meet a young Brazilian called Ronaldinha, nicknamed after her idol Ronaldinho because she has his talent. They meet a bunch of old timers who meet once a week to play games. Very old, decrepit, and slow-paced games, but games nonetheless. They go into the San Pedro Prison in Bolivia and play some intense 5 on 5 games with the inmates. The inmates are crazy good at soccer/football because that’s all they have to look forward to.

In Kenya, they go to a small village dirt lot known as Austin’s Field, named for a guy who lost his family and found solace in soccer. He is always at the field, maintaining it and organizing games for the children. On Saturdays he arranges a tournament and teams compete for a meager cash prize. The whole village comes out to watch and the sideline becomes a wall of bodies. Football is their escape from the drudgery of life.

They go to China and meet a group of players with a whole different style of soccer. They like to freestyle, putting more emphasis of tricks involving juggling and fancy footwork. It’s like breakdancing with a soccer ball. They also play small 2v2 games, usually in public parks with lots of passersby. Their goal is to spread awareness of street soccer and freestyling. I noticed that in most countries, the players were all really passionate and would get angry and get frustrated. The Chinese players were also passionate, but the only emotion they showed was pure joy. They found happiness in the game that sets them free. Most players they showed around the world were poor and soccer was their escape. In China, the main player AK gave up his high paying and stressful job to kick a ball in the street. Soccer is his sanctuary.

Luke and Gwendolyn also go to Jerusalem, home of three major religions and a shit ton of tension. And they play soccer with each other. They are never on the same team, they play against each other. But they are playing on the same field and that is worth something. They openly say that they hate each other, but if they still kick a ball around instead of fighting with fists or bullets.

They go to Tehran, Iran where women are second-class citizens and the government forbids women from playing with men. Luke and Gwendolyn jump into a pickup game and someone reported them to the government. Gwendolyn finds a few women who play. They have a quick game, playing in hijabs and looking uncomfortable. Luckily the government doesn’t confiscate their video and this documentary is the result.

Soccer/football is the world’s sport for a reason. This movie takes you all over and shows you why. I just wish that Luke and Gwendolyn wouldn’t spend all their time bitching about how they didn’t make it. They try to make the movie about themselves, when it should be about soccer. If you say your movie is about pickup soccer games around the world, keep it about pickup soccer games. No one wants to see a glorified home movie about 2 white Americans travelling the world.

This is a good documentary overall, especially when it’s about soccer games and not a couple with failed dreams. It’s worth seeing and I watched it for free on Hulu, so if you have an hour and half to kill, this is a decent way to spend it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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July 17, 2012 · 9:31 am

Taking Your Shoes Off at the End of the Day

You spend most of your day with your feet confined in socks and stuffed into a shoe. Your feet are trapped and constricted the whole time you’re getting ready for work, going to work, working, coming home from work, and doing whatever it is that you have to do like errands, or meeting friends or family and hanging out. Taking your shoes off at the end of the day feels fantastic. It’s like a reward to yourself for all the hard work you did that day. You earned it. You untie one shoe and take it off and wiggle your toes and ball your feet. You untie the other shoe and take it off and ball your feet and wiggle your toes. You peel off your sweaty socks and massage your feet and discreetly dispose the toe jam. Your feet are free and so are you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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