November 10, 2012 · 11:14 am

Coasters

If you have a cold glass and a wood table you need a coaster. Coasters protect the wood from the condensation on the glass. Nobody wants to be the jerk who leaves a water stain, so use a coaster whenever possible. Some coasters are made of sandstone, some are ceramic, some are made of cork, and the cheaper ones you find at bars and restaurants are typically cardboard advertisements for beer companies. The cardboard ones make great ninja stars. If you’ve ever been to a Chili’s or Chevys on a slow night, chances are that the servers are throwing them at each other behind the scenes. That’s why it’s taking so long for your refill. Coasters are classy. They are like saucers for your booze.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2012 · 11:07 am

Movember

Each November, millions of men around the world put down their razors and grow a moustache to raise awareness about prostate cancer. They call this magical month Movember. It’s a great way to be lazy and still feel helpful. If you’ve ever wondered how your life would be different with a moustache, this is the month to try it out. Everybody’s stache will look sleazy the first few days. If you still look like a tough thirteen-year-old after a few weeks, then you might want to reconsider your facial investment. Don’t feel bad, not everyone can be Ron Swanson. Especially not me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2012 · 11:04 am

Asking How Long the Flight Was

Whenever someone comes back from vacation, everyone has a bunch of questions. Where did you go? What did you do? Where did you stay? How expensive was it? And for some reason someone always asks how long the flight was. It’s one of those stupid cliché questions that people only ask to keep the conversation going. Gee, Hawaii sounds like a tropical paradise but the flight is 7 hours so I’m not going. Generally speaking, the guy who asks how long the flight was is only asking so he can one-up you and brag about his 14 hour flight. Just nod your head and pretend to be impressed with his ability to sit on his ass for extended periods of time.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2012 · 10:44 am

Poker Night

Girls get together and go to brunch. Guys get together and have a poker night. Mimosas and cantaloupe are nice and all, but I prefer beer and gambling. Someone volunteers their house, a few guys bring poker sets, and everyone else brings booze and snacks. You decide on a game (you can’t go wrong with Texas hold’em), everyone puts in their cash and gets a stack of chips, and the next couple of hours are spent sitting around the table laughing, joking and occasionally crying. You feel great when you bluff your way to a big pot, you feel agony when you get a bad beat on the river, and you try to survive getting knocked out long enough to at least win your money back. Poker is kind of like Mario Kart: you can do everything right, be winning the whole time, and still lose when a random blue shell takes you out. That’s why I love it and that’s why I hate it. But poker nights are always fun.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2012 · 10:39 am

Doritos Locos Tacos

People like tacos and people like Doritos. The bigwigs at Taco Bell realized this and decided to combine the two. Doritos Locos Tacos are Taco Supremes in a taco shell made out of Doritos Nacho Cheese flavored chips. It’s a pretty amazing concept, but it’s not the flavor revolution they were hoping for. It tastes like your typical shitty Taco Bell taco, but the shell is orange. You can hardly taste the Doritos shell. The only reason to try it is to tell people you tried it. I just hope that they don’t start making nachos with Doritos.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2012 · 10:30 am

The Sandman: Season of Mists

Season of Mists is the fourth volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman, collecting issues #21-28. It’s about Morpheus trying to correct a past mistake and ending up with the key to Hell. Word gets out, and a bunch of gods, demons, and entities all try to convince the Dream King to give them control of Hell. It would make a great reality show.

Ten thousand years ago Morpheus had a lover who pissed him off, so he banished her to Hell. When his sister tells him that it was kind of a dick move, he decides to set things right by going to Hell and freeing Nada. He shows up in Hell expecting Lucifer to put up a fight and instead finds him in the process of shutting everything down. He’s bored of his job and doesn’t want to do it anymore. He gives Morpheus the key to the empty realm and tells him to do what he wants with it.

Morpheus returns to the Dreaming and gets a bunch of visitors who all want Hell for their own selfish reasons. Odin, Loki, Thor, Order, Chaos, Anubis, Bast, a few demons, a few representatives from Faerie, and various other mythical and religious icons show up and all try to bribe, manipulate, or threaten Morpheus into giving them the key to Hell. But who will he choose and why? You’ll just have to read the comic and find out. Or you can just look it up online, but it won’t be as satisfying.

While Morpheus is dealing with all that shit, the banished Hell dwellers start coming back to life as ghosts. There’s a quick story about a kid named Charles Rowland and how his crappy life at a miserable boarding school gets worse when evil ghosts start torturing him. It’s a highlight of the series.

Season of Mists is one of the more important volumes in The Sandman. You find out a lot about Morpheus. Most of the important characters are featured or at least referenced in some way. It either introduces or reminds you of important plot points and foreshadows events that don’t happen until the later volumes. It’s a fact that The Sandman is one of the best comics of all time. Season of Mists is one of the reasons why.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2012 · 10:22 am

Pomegranates

Pomegranates are a delicious and healthy fruit. They look like an orange-reddish bulb.  You peel it open to reveal hundreds of small seeds inside. The small seeds are what you eat, you throw away the rest. A major downside to pomegranates is that it’s a bitch to get the seeds out. You have to cut and peel and pop them out. Pomegranates are a mystery fruit. You can’t tell how good the seeds are until you open it up. There’s nothing worse than seeing a bunch of white kernels or brown rotten seeds. On the other hand, a perfect pomegranate is better than… I don’t know. They are fucking really good though.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2012 · 9:08 am

Serenity (film)

Once upon a time, there was an amazing television show called Firefly. It got cancelled before it could even complete the first season. But the fans demanded more stories about Captain Malcolm Reynolds and his crew. And somehow Joss Whedon was able to convince a studio to make a follow-up film to his cancelled show. It didn’t do too well at the box office, but it’s become a cult classic. It’s a great sci-fi flick, but if you didn’t watch the show, you’ll be confused with all the characters and backstories.

            Joss Whedon brought back all of the main cast from the TV show. Nathan Fillion, Gina Torres, Alan Tudyk, Morena Baccarin, Adam Baldwin, Jewel Staite, Sean Maher, Ron Glass, and Summer Glau all reprise their iconic characters. There’s a great extended take reintroducing Malcolm, Wash, Zoe, Jayne, Kaylee, Simon, and River as Serenity fights to stay in the sky before crash landing. It’s the perfect way to reestablish what you’ve been missing out on.

The movie picks up a few months after the events of the final episode. Shepard Book and Inara have already been driven off of Serenity by Malcolm, and Simon and River seem poised to leave as well. The two Tams are still being pursued by the Alliance and Malcolm is having more and more difficulties trying to find jobs. There’s a run-in with some Reavers and you finally see how frightening they are.

            The Reavers are kind of the backbone of the story. A lot of shit happens and one of the shits that happens is the crew discovering that the Alliance is responsible for creating the Reavers. Malcolm decides that the Verse has the right to know the truth, and he eventually broadcasts the evidence after a fight with the Operative that has been tracking them throughout the film.

This is an awesome movie, a great movie, and a spectacular movie… if you’re a fan of the show. You really need to watch Firefly first to truly appreciate this flick. Serenity is your reward for enjoying the show. It’s just a glorified episode with better special effects and a bigger budget. And it makes you want more Firefly.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2012 · 9:02 am

Election Day

So it’s the first random Tuesday of November and it’s finally Election Day. This is a big one too. Who will win the presidency? This cookie cutter candidate or that one? It’s so exciting knowing that whoever wins will spend the next 4 years getting our country into more wars and more debt. What a great time to be alive. The best part about Election Day is that we have two and a half years before another presidential campaign starts up again. This country will continue to go down the drain until we get rid of the Electoral College and political parties. And we will never get rid of either. Remember George Washington? Our first president and inventor of the quarter? He was opposed to political parties and foreign entanglements. You think he would like the state of the union these days? I doubt it. Amurika.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2012 · 12:12 pm

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a show that you were contractually obligated to watch if you grew up in the ‘90s. Kids like to get scared, and this was the scariest thing on TV at the time (that your mom would let you watch). Each week, another member of the Midnight Society would tell a scary story around a campfire. And each week, you would be terrified of going to bed that night.

            I recently found a bunch of old episodes on YouTube and it’s been pretty awesome reliving my childhood. And you’d be surprised at how many of the child guest stars went on to become famous. Ryan Gosling, Hayden Christensen, Neve Campbell, Emmanuelle Chriqui, and Jay Baruchel were all responsible for making you afraid of the dark at some point.

            If All That is a family-friendly SNL, then Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a family-friendly Tales from the Crypt. It’s family-friendly because there’s no swearing or nudity (god-fucking-damn-it). But it’s still creepy and scary and I wouldn’t recommend it before bedtime. It’s a little dated now, but it’s a classic show. You probably wouldn’t like it if you didn’t grow up watching it. But that’s your fault.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Getting a Fork at an Asian Restaurant

You’re hungry and in the mood for some rice and decide to try out that new Chinese place down the street. You get a table, sit down, pour some tea, and glance at the menu. At one point you notice that there isn’t any silverware on the table, just a few pairs of chopsticks. That’s ok because you know how to use chopsticks and want to show off your skills. Your waitress doesn’t think you have what it takes and she brings you a fork. Getting a fork at an Asian restaurant is an insult. It’s insulting for them to bring you one without you asking for one. That means they think you suck and aren’t cultured. It’s also insulting if you ask for a fork. I know that eating with sticks is hard, but you should eat Asian food the Asian way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2012 · 8:51 am

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Luke Skywalker and his friends are back in the conclusion to the original trilogy. Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas wrote the screenplay and Richard Marquand directs. This was the last good Star Wars movie, even though the second half of the film kind of sucks. I blame the Ewoks. It’s pretty obvious they were just included to sell toys and appeal to kids. They are the Jar Jar Binks of the original trilogy, only without being blatantly racist and overly annoying.

            The film opens with the dramatic rescue of Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt, where Luke must use his Jedi skills to beat the bad guys and save his friends. There are quite a few iconic moments and characters in this part. There’s the Rancor, the Sarlacc, Jabba the Hutt, green pig guards, and Princess Leia in a gold bikini. It’s one of the best sequences in sci-fi cinema. Princess Leia in a gold bikini. Just reflect on that for a moment.

            The Rebel Alliance finds out that the Empire is building a new Death Star and that the Emperor himself is going to oversee the final preparations. The Rebels decide that this is their time to strike. They hatch a plan to destroy the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor, which will allow their star fleet to blow up the Death Star. But they don’t know that it’s a trap. It’s just one part of the Emperor’s plan to convert Luke to the Dark Side of the Force.

While Han, Leia, Chewy and the gay robots are busy playing with teddy bears, Lando is leading the aerial assault on the Empire, and Luke is dealing with his Darth Vader daddy issues. Needless to say, all the conflicts get resolved, most of the loose ends are tied up, and the story ends with our heroes celebrating their victory.

            It’s a pretty satisfying ending to the original trilogy. It’s not as good as A New Hope or The Empire Strikes Back, but it’s a million times better than the prequel trilogy. George Lucas keeps on tweaking this movie and now Hayden Christensen is in it at the end. I wish I still had a VCR so I could watch the real movie again.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2012 · 8:41 am

Daylight Saving Time

First things first: it’s daylight saving, not daylight savings. You are saving daylight. People like to stick an “S” on the end of words unnecessarily for some reason. Maybe it makes them feel important. The trick to remembering whether or not to turn the clock forward or backward is easy to remember: Spring forward, Fall back. It works most places except the southern hemisphere. Most clocks change automatically in this futuristic world that we call home, but there’s always some idiot who is oblivious to the time change.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2012 · 9:58 am

Ringtones

I remember those indestructible Nokia phones in the early 2000s. They had a hundred crappy ringtones built in. Now a phone only has a handful of ringtones. It’s almost as if they realized that ringtones are fucking annoying. Some people pay money to have a 30 second song clip as their ringtone. Cool, you have a custom ringtone. I still don’t want to hear it. Nobody else does either. So either turn off your phone or put it on silent. The only acceptable ringtone is vibrate.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2012 · 9:55 am

Checking the Mailbox

I don’t know why I still bother checking the mailbox. I know that there’s no letters or postcards. It’s just bills, coupons and junk mail. There isn’t anything fun unless it’s your birthday week or Christmas time. At least then you can expect cards and checks and well wishes. The only reason to check the mailbox these days is to make sure you don’t have any late fees for ignoring bills.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2012 · 10:02 am

Opening the Cereal Box Upside Down

It’s too early and you’re too tired to make breakfast so you settle for some cereal. You shuffle over to the cabinet and grab the box of cereal you bought the day before. You groggily open it up and pour your flakes into a bowl, add a little milk, and start eating. The next day you wake up too early again, grab the box of cereal and notice that you opened it upside down. It’s not a huge deal but you are stuck with an upside down box of cereal for the next week. You have to tilt your head to read the nutrition facts, you can’t play any of the kid’s games on the back, and you are judged by anyone who sees your upside down box of cereal. They should make cereal boxes like playing cards so it doesn’t matter which end is up. You just have to make sure you don’t open up both ends because you will get cereal all over the floor.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2012 · 9:55 am

Crunching Ice With Your Teeth

You’re reaching the end of your cup of Coke and all that’s preventing you from throwing it away are the seventeen half melted ice cubes with a hint of Coke flavor. You take off the lid and tilt a few cubes into your mouth. You start to crunch and chew and feel oddly satisfied. You proceed to finish off the rest of your ice, pausing only to use your straw to get that last stubborn ice cube from the bottom of the cup. That’s always the best one. Crunching ice with your teeth is a pleasure the dentured can only dream about.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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