Tag Archives: facial hair

My Facial Hair

I would like to tell you about my facial hair. It won’t take long because I barely have any. I’m incapable of growing a beard or sideburns. My sideburns consist of six little hairs on both sides of my face. My beard consists of seven hairs scattered across my chin and one hair poking out of the top of my neck. The hairs don’t grow very fast either. I could let it grow for two months and they would still look like stubble. It’s actually faster for me to pluck my beard with tweezers than to shave it. I have a little bit of a soul patch under my bottom lip. It’s not much but it’s nicer looking than my beard. I can grow a mustache, but I don’t because it looks beyond sleazy. Not like ’70s porn star sleazy, like convicted child molester sleazy. I’ve been asked by multiple people to not participate in Movember. My facial hair offends them.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Boss Has Nice Facial Hair

My boss has nice facial hair. No, seriously. His name is Jesus Treviño and he’s a finalist for the title of Best Facial Hair in the Country by Wahl Grooming. It might be a marketing gimmick, but it’s still pretty impressive to see his nicely manicured face fuzz getting some well-deserved recognition. I woke up this morning to a nice article about him in the local paper. I included the link to the article below. The article also has a link to the official Wahl Grooming voting page. I don’t vote for presidents, but I voted for Jesus. You should too. Jesus Treviño is an awesome manager and a better person and he deserves to win something. He was always picked last in gym class and now it’s his time to shine. Please take a minute out of you day and vote for him. Vote for Jesus and save your soul.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

http://www.sfgate.com/living/article/Jesus-Trevino-SF-facial-hair-6625733.php

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Movember

Each November, millions of men around the world put down their razors and grow a moustache to raise awareness about prostate cancer. They call this magical month Movember. It’s a great way to be lazy and still feel helpful. If you’ve ever wondered how your life would be different with a moustache, this is the month to try it out. Everybody’s stache will look sleazy the first few days. If you still look like a tough thirteen-year-old after a few weeks, then you might want to reconsider your facial investment. Don’t feel bad, not everyone can be Ron Swanson. Especially not me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pink Mustaches on Cars

The world hates Americans for a lot of reasons. It used to be for oil consumption and war mongering. Now it’s primarily pink mustaches on cars. Why is this even a trend? Fake mustaches on girls are bad enough, but cars aren’t people. Cars are fucking cars. The only thing they should be wearing is a cool paint color and a coat of wax. Cars are expensive. You have monthly payments to the dealer, you have to pay for insurance, you have to get gas, there’s parking passes and permits and tickets to deal with… and you spend your hard-earned money on fake pink facial hair for its grill? You are a fucking douchebag. Your car looks stupid and you look like an asshole.

Who wants a mustache ride? Not me.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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