December 5, 2012 · 10:03 am

Holiday Lights

When I was a kid, Holiday lights were known as “Christmas lights.” They were for Christmas and everyone knew it. My sisters and I would help our parents string up the lights around the front of our house. We usually waited until December to put them up, and we never put them up before Thanksgiving. Lights used to come in multiple colors. They were red, green, orange, yellow and blue, and the really fancy lights blinked on and off. And if one bulb burned out, then so would all the others. You would have to search for the broken out bulb, checking all the bulbs one at a time until you found the culprit and replaced it. Those were Christmas lights. Now they are all Holiday lights. Holiday lights are typically white lights that are supposed to mimic icicles. But they don’t look like icicles. At all. They look like daggers of white light stabbing my precious childhood memories. Holiday lights might look festive, but I miss Christmas lights.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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December 5, 2012 · 9:59 am

Me Neither

If someone says, “I don’t want to go to the DMV,” then you should respond with “Me neither.” A lot of people forget that “neither” is a word. And so they don’t use it. I don’t know why, it’s a pretty cool word and you barely get to use it. Plus you seem stupid when you respond with “me either.” It’s “me neither.” Why? I don’t know why, it’s something to do with negatives and that’s just how it is. Don’t make up your own rules for the English language and you won’t have problems with grammar Nazis. Don’t say things if you don’t know how to say them. You don’t want to let all the Pandoras out of the box.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 4, 2012 · 9:56 am

The Sandman: World’s End

A group of travelers get caught in a storm and seek refuge in a mysterious Inn. They pass the time by telling stories. But since this is a Neil Gaiman story, the travelers come from different times, places, and dimensions, the storm that rages is a reality storm, and the inn itself exists between different realms. I think Neil Gaiman smokes a lot of drugs.

            This is the eighth volume of The Sandman, collecting issues #51-#56. Morpheus only makes a few appearances in this volume, the main character is a new guy named Brant Tucker. Brant is driving cross-country when it starts to snow and he gets in an accident. He seeks help at an inn called World’s End. He meets a bunch of other travelers and they regale each other with stories.

            There are stories about characters that we already know like the faerie Cluracan and the immortal Hob Gadling. There’s a story about a US President that makes you wonder how an English author knows so much about Americana. There’s a haunting story about a guy who gets caught in the dreams of a city. And there’s another story about people telling stories in a city for the dead. It’s very meta. Neil Gaiman is telling a story about a guy telling a story in a bar about how he heard stories in an inn, and one of those stories had characters telling stories in that story. Get it? Because I understand it and I still don’t get it.

            This is one of my favorite volumes of The Sandman. If you’ve thought about reading it but aren’t sure if you want to invest all the time, start here and see if you like it. You can just pick it up and read it and understand what The Sandman is about without reading the entire series. It’s a good entry point. It’s smart. It’s entertaining. And it’s a great story.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 4, 2012 · 9:49 am

Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey

Arizona Green Tea is the tall boy of choice for millions of underage drinkers around the US. Their Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey is a nice, cheap beverage. 99¢ goes a long way. It’s refreshing and cheap and has caffeine. I prefer it over Snapple and you get more for your money. It’s cheap too. Don’t Know if I mentioned that yet. But it is. You can buy a small bottle of water for a dollar or you can get an Arizona. The Arizona is bigger and has water in it. It’s a better deal.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 3, 2012 · 10:20 am

Mickey’s

Mickey’s is a malt liquor that they describe as a “fine malt liquor.” It’s not that fine. It’s just your typical 40oz. It doesn’t taste that good. I’ve never met a single person that says Mickey’s is their favorite drink, and I doubt I ever will. You drink it out of desperation, not to enjoy the subtle flavors of cheap booze. It is 5.6% alcohol, which isn’t that impressive for a forty. Forties should fuck you up. Mickey’s only gets you buzzed. Maybe that’s why there’s picture of a bee on the label. I liked Mickey’s more when I thought it was stronger. If you want to get drunk on a budget than forties are the way to go. But you might want to pass on the Mickey’s and get something a little bit stronger.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 3, 2012 · 10:16 am

Buying a Bag

Living in San Francisco has its benefits. There’s good people, great food, museums and parks and tourist attractions galore. There’s also a stupid law forbidding plastic bags from grocery and convenience stores. The goal is to save the environment by making you bring your own reusable bags. Don’t worry though: if you forget to bring your bag you can buy a paper bag for ten cents. It kind of sucks. You don’t even get a choice between paper or plastic. It’s paper or bust, and you’re fucked if it’s raining. A few years ago, a dime bag in SF was weed. Now it’s literally a bag that costs a dime. Global warming changes everything.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 2, 2012 · 10:37 am

Turning on the Faucet When You’re Taking a Shit

You ate some bad seafood and it’s not agreeing with your stomach. You run down the hall to the bathroom and make it just before your bowels erupt. You’re a little embarrassed because it’s coming out fast and it’s coming out furious. You turn on the sink to try to drown out the noise. It masks the sound slightly, but turning on the faucet when you’re taking a shit is unnecessary. Everyone already knows that you’re pooping. The sound of running water isn’t fooling anyone and it doesn’t do anything to hide the stench. It just gives you a little piece of mind and makes you less self-conscious about your bowel movements. It also reminds you to wash your hands when you finish.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 2, 2012 · 10:30 am

Homeless People Riding the Bus Because It’s Raining

I don’t mind the rain. I like the smell of a fresh downpour. I like the sound of raindrops hitting the roof. I like using the emergency umbrella I carry in my backpack. The only thing I don’t like are the homeless people riding the bus because it’s raining. If you live in a city and rely on public transportation, you’ve probably experienced this too. The rain starts to fall and the homeless try to get dry. They’ll jump on the bus and ride it until their transfer expires. I’m not opposed to homeless people using public transportation, I’m opposed to wet and smelly homeless people using public transportation. It’s worse than wet dog smell. It’s a combination of piss, stale beer, sweaty socks, and depression. Wet bum stench gets stuck in your nostrils and lingers long after you get off the bus. There’s no escaping the stink, it follows you, it knows where you live, and it will haunt your dreams.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 1, 2012 · 10:01 am

George Foreman Grill

The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine is one of the best infomercial products of all time with over 100 million units sold. That’s a lot of fat-reduced burgers, steaks, and sausages. Men like to cook meat with fire but we don’t always have that option. That’s when an electric countertop grill comes in handy. The beauty of the George Foreman Grill lies with the angled clamshell design that heats both sides simultaneously while channeling the grease down into a catcher. Later they added a bun warmer on top and perfection was achieved. The George Foreman grill is staple of dorm rooms and bachelor pads around the world. Wikipedia tells me that the George Foreman Grill is also endorsed by Jackie Chan in Asian markets. I wouldn’t recommend cooking rice on the grill though.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 1, 2012 · 9:58 am

Kettle Chips Jalapeño Jack

         Chips are good. Cheese is good. Kettle Brand potato chips with a jalapeño jack flavor is even better. This is a limited batch commemorating thirty years in the potato chip business. It’s a delicious milestone. The chips aren’t Krinkle Cut like some of the other Kettle chips, they look kind of like Lay’s. They taste similar to a sour cream & onion flavor, but they are spicier. In a blind taste test there’s no way you could label this as a jalapeño jack flavor without being told that it was jalapeño jack. Try them out, you might like them. They won’t be available for long so grab them while you can.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 30, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Knowing You Have Something To Do But Forgetting What It Was

You have the day off to lounge around the house and catch up on chores and errands. You do laundry, wash that stack of dishes that’s been neglected in the sink, pay a couple of bills, and now you can just crack open a beer and catch up on your TV shows. A few hours into your marathon and that nagging feeling that you didn’t do something creeps up on you. It’s something unimportant enough to forget, and still important enough to sort of remember. But what the hell is it? Knowing you have something to do but forgetting what is was is enough to keep you awake at night. Hopefully it’s not work related and you’re just screwing over a friend or family member. I can always lose a friend but I can’t afford to lose my job right now.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 30, 2012 · 12:01 pm

Fail Videos

Check out a video compilation of fails the next time you have a few minutes to kill or if you’re feeling depressed. Just go to YouTube and search for “Fails.” You’ll instantly be transported to a world of stupid teenagers, bad drivers, terrible stuntmen, and enough cringe-worthy failures and embarrassments. It’s like America’s Funniest Home Videos without a laugh track or censor. You get to laugh as random people get hurt and humiliated. It’s like bullying without the guilt thanks to the anonymity of the internet. It will make you feel better. You might have had an argument with a friend but at least you didn’t break your arm trying to jump out of a moving Jeep onto a trampoline. See, things aren’t so bad after all. Fail Videos are one of the best ways to kill time on the internet. They are why YouTube was invented.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 29, 2012 · 10:25 am

The Most Important Asian Character of All Time

The Walking Dead’s Glenn is the most important Asian character of all time. He’s not a cliché. He’s an important Asian character because he’s an important character who happens to be Asian. Neither the show nor the comic ever resorts to stereotypes. He doesn’t do martial arts. He doesn’t show off his math skills. He’s not a bad driver. He doesn’t wear thick glasses and speak with a thicker accent. He’s a survivor like Rick but he’s stronger than Rick. He doesn’t become corrupted. In fact, he becomes a better person in the zombie apocalypse: he was a loser and a failure before the walkers came. Then he discovered that he was a survivor and capable of almost anything. He saved Rick’s life and brought him to the group. He gets supplies and constantly risks his life to protect the group. He even gets a white girlfriend that he gets to have sex with (Jet Li didn’t even get to kiss Aaliyah in Romeo Must Die). They rely on him. He isn’t the leader, but he’s still a leader. And he’s probably the most popular character on one of the most popular TV shows of all time. Glenn is more responsible for the upsurge in Asian pride than Jeremy Lin. Props to actor Steven Yeun for bringing Glenn to life and thanks to Robert Kirkman for creating the character.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 29, 2012 · 10:20 am

The Sandman: Brief Lives

Morpheus has a unique family tree. He is one of seven siblings known as the Endless. They are the embodiments of Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Desire, Despair, and Delirium. They are more powerful than gods and they each have a task to do (coincidently they have to do what their name implies). And then one day, Destruction decided that he’s had enough and abandoned his realm and his family. After 300 years, Delirium realizes that she misses she misses her older brother, thus setting in motion the events of Brief Lives.

            Brief Lives is the seventh volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman. It collects issues #41-49. This volume humanizes Dream more than the other installments. He’s moping and feeling sorry for himself after his girlfriend dumps him, when Delirium asks him to help find Destruction. He only agrees to go with Delirium to distract himself, and he gradually gets emotionally invested with the journey. He is changing but he refuses to acknowledge it, even when others point it out to him.

Dream and Delirium embark on one of the weirdest road trips in literary history, trying to track down characters that know where Destruction is hiding. The problem is that everyone they’re trying to track down keep getting killed, an unfortunate byproduct of Destruction’s safeguards. Dream feels regret that people have died, something he wouldn’t have felt thousands of years ago.

Dream and Delirium eventually succeed in their task and are briefly reunited with their brother and his talking dog. They shoot the shit for a while. Destruction explains why he left and why he’s not returning. They have philosophical discussions about who they are, what they represent, and if they are even necessary.

            Brief Lives showcases the unique relationships that the Endless have with each other and with us lowly mortals. Mortals die. Gods die. Even the Endless can end. We all have brief lives. Oh, I get it now. That’s clever, Mr. Gaiman. Brief Lives is another interesting and enjoyable volume of The Sandman, full of great moments and characters.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 28, 2012 · 9:42 am

Bless You

Someone just sneezed. You instinctively respond with “Bless you!” (At least if your mama raised you right). It’s polite and it also has the added bonus of keeping Satan from stealing their soul. It’s kind of weird that sneezing seems to be the only body function that gets acknowledged with a phrase wishing the sneezer divine protection and/or good health. There is no common verbal response for when someone burps, coughs, hiccups, or farts. I think there should be. The next time someone rips one, I’m going to say, “Jesus loves you” and see what happens.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 28, 2012 · 9:39 am

Lizard Blinking

Have you ever been so tired or exhausted that you can’t even blink in unison? You’ve just woken up or you’re about to pass out, and you don’t even realize that you’re blinking in slow motion and also closing one eye slightly before the other.  That’s lizard blinking. Because you look like a reptile when you do it. It means that you’re really fucking tired. So get some sleep and stop creeping people out.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 27, 2012 · 9:52 am

A Pimple

You wake up feeling refreshed and ready to carpe that diem. It’s a great day and you feel great. Until you glance in the mirror and see a pimple. It’s an obvious one too. Pimples suck. And why the hell am I still getting them? I’ve been in my twenties for a while now; I don’t want to look like an awkward teen again. You can either pop it or let it be. Both options still draw attention to your face. Popping pimples is oddly satisfying for some reason. It’s kind of fun to kill a pimple. But I still prefer clear skin.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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