Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

March 27, 2013 · 10:09 am

Starting To Get Sick

I woke up with the sniffles and a runny nose and realized that I’m starting to get sick. Starting to get sick is worse than actually being sick. When you’re sick you’re just sick and you deal with it. All you can do when you start getting sick is take some vitamin C and hope that you’re not getting sick. You still have to suck it up and go to work. People will invite you to hang out and they won’t believe you when you say you can’t because you’re starting to get sick. That’s like saying you have to do laundry or wash your hair, it might be true but it’s a weak excuse. You’ll be peer pressured into going out when you know that you shouldn’t, and you’ll regret it the next day when you wake up fully diseased and phlegmy. Oh well, at least you’re not starting to get sick anymore.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 25, 2013 · 10:39 am

Pissing On the Plunger

I’ve pissed on hundreds of plungers in my lifetime. Almost everyone I know has a toilet and a plunger to go with it. And everyone seems to keep the plunger right next to the toilet. It seems logical and convenient but it’s not. It’s a terrible place to keep because I’m going to pee on it. It’s like a lightening rod for my urinary stream. I probably won’t do it on purpose, but it’s going to happen one way or another. I’m a guy, that’s what we do. We piss all over the toilet seat and whatever else is in the vicinity and that includes the plunger. Yeah, we have built-in fire hoses but it’s hard to pee through morning wood or aim when we’re drunk. Pissing on the plunger isn’t something I’m proud of but I’m not ashamed to admit it either.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 25, 2013 · 10:35 am

Uploading Pictures Of Yourself Camping

The whole point of camping is to get away from it all. Away from city life, away from technology, away from your cell phone. You should be chilling in the woods, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and making jokes. You should be living. Why the fuck are you taking picture of yourself camping and uploading it to Facebook? I’m not opposed to taking pictures of the campsite or the views or having fun. That’s totally fine. I’m against taking a picture and instantly uploading it. You’re not camping if you don’t have a signal, you’re just a hipster in the woods. Put down the phone and look at a tree. You came out to nature to experience nature, not to add another hashtag to your resume.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 23, 2013 · 9:53 am

Tourist Day

We get stuck in a zone and stop paying attention to what’s around us. Don’t forget that there are places right by you that other people would pay to see. Take advantage of it. The next time you have a friend come into town or a random day off work, you should have a tourist day. That’s when you go and do all the touristy things that your town has to offer. You can finally do all the shit that you keep putting off. Go to the Statue of Liberty if you live in New York. Go to Alcatraz if you live in San Francisco.  It doesn’t matter where you live, there are all sorts of things to do around your town that you take for granted. Check out the museum, go to the zoo, take a guided tour of a local factory, explore the park and see the sights. You live in a cool place, that’s why you moved there. Experience it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2013 · 9:15 am

Paint Fumes

I live in an apartment and my downstairs neighbors moved out. The landlord hired a maintenance crew to come in and do minor repairs and repaint the vacant apartment. And now the whole building smells like paint. I have every possible window open for ventilation and the paint fumes just seem to be getting worse. I feel like I’m stuck in the garage with the car engine running. To make matters worse, the sun has started setting and it’s getting colder but at least the paint fumes are starting to cloud my mind. I don’t think I’ll even feel the cold in the next few minutes. I probably shouldn’t be drinking a beer and smoking a bowl right now. It’s kind of a waste because these paint fumes have my head spinning in ways that drugs never could. So this is why people huff spray paint… I could get into this. Now excuse me while I pass out.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 21, 2013 · 9:50 am

Pinky Swear

People lie all the fucking time and there is only one surefire method to get the truth from a liar. You need to get him to pinky swear. Forget putting a hand on the bible or making him swear on his mother’s grave because that shit won’t work. It’s all about the pinky swear. It’s impossible to back out of a pinky promise. The pinky swear is like the Unbreakable Vow for muggles, that shit is binding. Only one guy had the balls to break a pinky promise and he’s dead now and no one went to his funeral. That’s what happens. That’s why you have to respect a pinky swear. Who knew that intertwined phalanges held so much power?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 19, 2013 · 10:06 am

A Dog Holding Its Own Leash

I was playing disc golf in the park today when I saw a dog emerge from the bushes. He was on a leash but there was no owner in sight. He was holding his own leash and walking himself. A dog holding its own leash is madness. It’s anarchy. It’s chaos. You’re a dog, you can’t walk yourself. You need someone to hold your leash and to pick up your shit with a little plastic bag. I don’t know where your owner is, I’d assume that he’s somewhere nearby, but it’s more fun to pretend that Fido escapes from the backyard and explores the neighborhood and sneaks back into the yard each day before his oblivious owner finds out. And he makes sure he wears a leash so the cops don’t hassle him for disobeying leash laws.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 19, 2013 · 10:01 am

Honking to Pick Up Your Passenger

Hey Mr. Asshole Driver, it’s awesome that you’re being green and saving the planet by carpooling but there’s no need to announce your arrival by honking excessively. Especially at 7:00 in the morning. There’s no excuse to wake up the whole neighborhood just because your passenger isn’t waiting curbside. You can always ring their doorbell or call/text them to tell them to come outside. That’s what normal people do: practice common courtesy. Besides, if you can afford a car you can afford a phone. Fucking use it and lay off the horn.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 18, 2013 · 9:05 am

Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

Some people get mad when I take the Lord’s name in vain. They call it blasphemy and a huge insult to God. They need to chill the fuck out. I’m not insulting God. I’m not insulting your religion. I’m not insulting your beliefs. I’m fucking expressing myself. Get over it. That’s great that you’re religious. It’s great that you found Jesus. But don’t ever tell me that I can’t take the Lord’s name in vain. Freedom of speech still exists and I’ll say “Jesus Fucking Christ” any fucking time I fucking want to. I believe in God. I also believe he doesn’t have a problem with me saying “God-fucking-damn-it” when I stab my toe. After all, he’s the reason I stabbed my fucking toe, goddamnit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 17, 2013 · 9:59 am

Leaving Your Trash in Public

I was taking my usual train to work today and I saw a middle aged guy wearing a suit reading the newspaper and sipping some Starbucks. I thought that he was a typical businessman on his way to the office, but then he left his newspaper and used cup on the ground by his seat when he got off the train. I had to do a double take, I believe flabbergasted is the word. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Why is he so important that he feels like he can leave his fucking garbage for somebody else to deal with? Leaving your trash in public is pretty low. Even your mom would lose respect for you if she caught you doing that. She raised you better than that. Nobody likes a litterbug. You shouldn’t be allowed outside if you can’t handle cleaning up after yourself.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 16, 2013 · 9:55 am

Snapping Your Fingers to Get Your Server’s Attention

Snapping your fingers to get your server’s attention is a huge no-no. It’s one of the most insulting things you can do to a fellow human being. Your server is a person, not a fucking dog. There’s no need to snap, whistle, or yell out “Garcon!” Yeah, it sucks when your food comes out and you just want a side of ranch, but your server has other tables and should be coming by to check on you when they can. Just be patient. Snapping your fingers might get their attention but it’s also a good way to announce that you’re a scumbag. If you think snapping is acceptable then you’ve obviously never been in a restaurant and probably don’t know how to tip. And your server knows that you’re a cheap asshole so there’s no incentive to work hard for a nonexistent tip. And your server will go back to the kitchen and tell everybody else about the snapping asshole at Table 25. And if your food tastes a little bit funny, there’s probably a reason for that. Bon appétit.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 14, 2013 · 1:15 am

Pi Day

Every March 14th is Pi Day. That’s because the date is 3/14 and pi is commonly shortened to 3.14. You can celebrate by doing math or eating pie. I prefer eating pie. It’s not a real holiday but it’s a perfectly valid excuse for eating a pie. In honor of Pi Day here is pi to a thousand digits: 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 3305727036 5759591953 0921861173 8193261179 3105118548 0744623799 6274956735 1885752724 8912279381 8301194912 9833673362 4406566430 8602139494 6395224737 1907021798 6094370277 0539217176 2931767523 8467481846 7669405132 0005681271 4526356082 7785771342 7577896091 7363717872 1468440901 2249534301 4654958537 1050792279 6892589235 4201995611 2129021960 8640344181 5981362977 4771309960 5187072113 4999999837 2978049951 0597317328 1609631859 5024459455 3469083026 4252230825 3344685035 2619311881 7101000313 7838752886 5875332083 8142061717 7669147303 5982534904 2875546873 1159562863 8823537875 9375195778 1857780532 1712268066 1300192787 6611195909 2164201989. You’re welcome.

Critically Rated at 3.14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 14, 2013 · 1:11 am

Turtle Tap

A turtle tap is when someone lightly slaps your junk, usually while you’re wearing pants but naked turtle taps have been known to happen. The goal of a turtle tap is to be annoying and cause minor discomfort; you’re not trying to destroy any potential future children. You have to choose your victim wisely. Some people don’t like getting smacked in the balls for a cheap laugh and some people get off on that sort of thing. A turtle tap can also be an effective weapon. The next time your little brother is annoying you give him a turtle tap and watch him shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 13, 2013 · 10:15 am

An Old Calendar

I don’t have a planner or an appointment book. I have a calendar on the wall that I write important events in. Stuff like upcoming birthdays, parties, vacations, dentist appointments, baseball games, and exciting shit like that. Time slogs on and eventually that calendar is obsolete. But for some reason I can’t throw it out. Maybe it’s because I don’t keep a diary and that calendar is the only proof that I did things and had a social life. Yeah, Facebook has a timeline but that shit is all electronic, and this calendar is physical evidence that I existed and did things. It’s my history. Fifty years from now I can pick up an old calendar and remember that I went to Taco Tuesday for my roommate’s birthday. I won’t remember what I ordered, or who went, or even which roommate it was, but I will know that I had fun that night and didn’t sit on my ass. And that’s worth reminiscing about.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 13, 2013 · 10:10 am

Getting Every Last Drop From the Bottle

Things cost money and it’s important to get your money’s worth. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bottle of beer, ketchup, shampoo, syrup or whatever… if you paid for it, you should use it all up. Turn the bottle upside down, smack the bottom, do whatever it takes to get every last drop. Some companies want you to do this. These days Heinz even has upside down ketchup bottles with built-in gravity for maximum condiment efficiency. Getting every last drop from the bottle might make you seem frugal, but it’s better to be cheap than wasteful.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 11, 2013 · 10:22 am

Sleeping Bag

A sleeping bag is a bag that you sleep in. You use them when you go camping or have a sleepover. It’s essential camping gear. Most of them roll up or get stuffed into another bag. I don’t know what you call the bag for the sleeping bag, but there has to be a name for it. Quality sleeping bags are made of down or synthetic insulators to keep you warm in freezing temperatures. You can’t climb Everest without a sleeping bag. Mummy sleeping bags are the best because they provide the most protection from the cold. The second best one is the Star Wars Tauntaun sleeping bag, because that’s the best idea for anything ever.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 9, 2013 · 9:51 am

Whiteboard

Whiteboards (or dry-erase boards) are a gift from God. In the old days schools around the world had to rely on chalk and chalkboards for lesson plans. Chalk is dirty, dusty, and fucking boring, and chalkboards are a bitch to clean. Now most classrooms have a big ass whiteboard. It’s easier to clean, and you can buy markers in all the colors of the rainbow to jazz up the lesson plan and make learning more fun. Before whiteboards you would have to rely on corkboards or Post-its to pass along passive aggressive notes to your roommates. Now you can scribble out a message and erase it if it’s too harsh. Or you can add some choice swearwords if it’s too nice. It doesn’t matter if the whiteboard is in a classroom, at home, or in the office… eventually some idiot will use a Sharpie instead of dry-erase marker on the board. It’s inevitable. The next time you walk past a whiteboard, I hope that you take a moment to appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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