Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

March 2, 2015 · 2:10 pm

Older Than the Athletes

I remember my first year in college was the same year LeBron James made his NBA debut. It made quite an impression on me, not because he was the Chosen One or whatever, but because we were both eighteen years old and starting new chapters in our lives. His book was just way better than mine. It was kind of a turning point. When you’re growing up the athletes you’re watching on TV are older than you. You keep watching sports and time slogs on. After a while you’re the same age as the rookies, then you’re the same age as the athletes in their prime, then you’re the same age as the veterans, and eventually you’re the same age as the coach. Realizing that you’re older than the athletes is worse than a finding a gray hair. It’s like finding ten gray hairs at once. It’s your mortality slapping you in the face. And it hurts. Nobody wants to be older than the athletes. They want to be the athletes.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 27, 2015 · 3:16 pm

Spray Bottle

A spray bottle is a bottle that sprays liquids. They are also commonly called squirt bottles. They do more than just pray and squirt. They also mist. You see spray bottles all over the place. They dispense Febreze and Windex and other household chemicals. They help you style your hair. They keep you cool on a hot day. They keep cats and dogs in line with a single spritz of water. They are great makeshift squirt guns when spontaneous water fights break out. I could live without spray bottles. I just don’t want to.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 26, 2015 · 7:06 pm

Wrapping Coins

I had the day off today. It was the middle of the week, I was bored, and I had no plans. I started wrapping coins. It was my big task for the day, my only errand to run. I put on Netflix and I went through my change jar. I would grab a handful of coins and sort them. Quarters over here, dimes here, nickels go there, pennies there, half-dollars and dollar coins go together here, and all imposters (like Canadian coins) go into the reject pile there. After they were sorted I would go through each denomination and count out how many coins were needs to fill the wrap. A wrap for quarters is ten dollars. That’s forty quarters. A wrap for dimes is five dollars. That’s fifty quarters. A wrap for nickels is two dollars. That’s forty nickels. A wrap for pennies is fifty cents. That’s fifty pennies. I didn’t bother counting out the pennies though. That can go to charity if they are willing to wrap them up and haul them to the bank. All in all, my quarters, nickels, and dimes were worth a grand total of $228. Not bad for a year’s worth of loose change and a few hours to sort through it. I could always use extra money. Now I have it and all it cost me was caving into my OCD.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 23, 2015 · 12:59 pm

Wrong Name

Calling someone by the wrong name is one of the worst things that you can do. It makes you look like a dick and feel like an asshole. You’re telling the other person that they aren’t important enough to remember, or that they remind you of someone else who you would prefer to be talking to. I’ve been on both ends of the situation. I don’t mind being the victim. I just correct them, laugh it off, and forget about it. It’s much worse to be the guy who does it. It can lead to trouble. Ever call a girl the wrong name? It leads to crying, arguments, and never any sex. Ever confuse a set of twins and say the wrong twin’s name? It doesn’t matter if it was an accident if you’ve known them for years. You said the wrong name. You are a terrible person. Don’t say the wrong name. Definitely don’t say it more than once.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 22, 2015 · 3:23 pm

Random Mutual Friends

Every now and then I cave into Facebook’s demands and check the list of people I may know to see if there is anyone worth adding to my friends list. Facebook will display a name, a profile picture, and a list of the mutual friends that you have in common. It’s a small world so you’ll often find out that you have some truly random mutual friends. My cousin knows one of my coworkers even though they live on opposite sides of the country. I have friends from my elementary school who know friends from my college. It makes you wonder how they met each other. Checking random mutual friends is like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and you’re Kevin Bacon.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 20, 2015 · 11:13 pm

Solar-Powered Calculator

A solar-powered calculator is a calculator that’s powered by solar energy. That means it uses light to run. They first came out in the ‘70s. I was born in 1985. I was brought up with them. They were the standard calculator in math class when I was growing up. You can take your abacus and shove it, grandpa (I’m half Asian so that’s not racist by the way). Solar-powered calculators have the same mathematical capabilities and functions as your standard battery-powered calculator. 2 + 2 = 4 and 80085 spells BOOBS on both. One just runs on the sun. Make sure you turn it off when you’re done using it. You don’t want to waste solar electricity.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 18, 2015 · 12:33 pm

Borrow a Quarter

I was hanging out with my friend and we decided to get some food. I drove to a burrito place, found a parking spot on the street, parked there, and asked my friend if I could borrow a quarter for the meter. He gave it to me without any hesitation, which was a huge mistake on his part. I wasn’t really going to borrow the quarter. I had no intention of ever giving him a quarter back. I was just going to put it in the meter and forget all about it. If he raised a fuss, I would tell him that he owed me a dollar for gas. Borrow a quarter is the same thing as give me a quarter. He should know that. And if he didn’t, he does now.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2015 · 3:36 pm

Throw the Ball Back

I was skating to work the other day and saw a little girl stop to pick up a green thing. She was in my path so I slowed down partially so I wouldn’t wipe her out and partially to see what she found. As I got closer I realized that it was a tennis ball and that she was talking to a tall fence about ten feet high. The fence hid a couple of tennis courts and I heard a voice from the other side of the fence asking if she could throw that ball back. And she did. She was about five or six so it was a pretty impressive throw. I was more impressed that she knew to throw it back. It’s a relief to know that most kids are still being raised right. Throwing a ball back is an easy way to help out a stranger. It’s just what you’re supposed to do. If a stray Frisbee lands at your feet, you pick it up and sail it back. If a soccer ball rolls to you, you kick it back. Throw the ball back. Make someone else’s life easier.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2015 · 3:35 pm

The Last Puzzle Piece

The last puzzle piece is the most important one. It could take hours or days to finish a puzzle, put putting that last piece down provides immense satisfaction. When I was a kid I had a tendency to hide a puzzle piece whenever I was doing a puzzle with friends or family. I wanted to be the one who put the final piece into place. I wanted the glory of completing it. If that meant being a little dick and hiding a piece, so be it. I finished the puzzle. Everyone else just helped. I did it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2015 · 5:44 pm

Sea Glass

I went to the beach today and I felt compelled to wade into the surf as usual. I let the waves crash into me as I scanned the sand for shells and bits of sea glass. Shells are cool and all, but I’m more interested in sea glass. I like the fact that nature is able to transform trash into something beautiful. The saltwater and jumbling waves turn jagged edges into smooth ones. The glass starts to lose its transparency and become more frosted, but sunlight can still shine through it. It’s nature improving upon mankind’s inventions. Normally you don’t want to see broken glass when you’re walking around barefoot but sea glass is the exception.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 11, 2015 · 12:54 pm

Spiked Hair and Hoodies

I have spiked hair and I wear hoodies. The two don’t really get along. If you try to put a hoodie on over spiked hair, you end up crushing your hair and destroying your spikes. I’ve learned that it’s best to put on your hoodie and then spike your hair. It’s a lot easier to take off a hoodie without destroying your spikes than it is to put one on. You can’t really wear the hood when you have spiked hair, but the hood is mostly for looks anyway. So is spiked hair though. You can’t do anything with your spikes. They aren’t like antlers or anything. You can’t use them to fight off other males looking for female attention. I realize now that spiked hair and hoodies isn’t the most logical fashion choice, but spiked hair looks cool and hoodies are comfy as fuck so I’m not changing. You can keep your bald head and cardigans.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 11, 2015 · 12:53 pm

A New Used Car

I got a new used car. It’s a 2000 Honda Civic. It was a family car, the same car I drove in high school. I learned how to drive stick on that car. So did a lot of my friends too. That car got around like Paris Hilton at a frat party. My little sister ended up with the car after everyone went to college and moved away from home. It was stolen in front of her house, she got a new car, and then they found her Civic. She didn’t need two cars so she offered it to me. I accepted, because I learned a long time ago that you don’t turn down free food or free vehicles. So now I have the same car that I practically lived in twelve years ago. It’s like driving a memory. Hell, it is driving a memory. I had so many adventures in that car. It’s crazy to think that I get to create more now. I can’t wait.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2015 · 8:52 pm

Cracking Your Knuckles

Cracking your knuckles is when you pop the joints in your hand. It makes an audible sound. It drives some people crazy but it’s oddly soothing to do it to your own hand. I crack my knuckles a few times a day. I do it as a form of stretching mostly, but sometimes I do it when I’m feeling nervous, anxious, or awkward (so it happens quite a bit as you can imagine). Some people claim that cracking your knuckles can cause arthritis, but that’s an old wives’ tale. A guy named Donald Unger cracked the knuckles on only one hand for more than sixty years and left the other hand alone and neither hand got messed up so it can’t be that bad for you. And Donald Unger had way too much time on his hands (pun intended, thank you very much).

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2015 · 6:08 pm

Refrigerator Magnets

Refrigerator magnets are magnets that live on the refrigerator. There are a lot of different types of refrigerator magnets. Some are advertisements for businesses, typically pizza places and real estate agents. There are alphabet magnets that you can use to write messages, so long as your message has no duplicate letters. There are souvenir magnets from states and national parks that you haven’t been to personally but someone you know did and they went to the gift shop and bought you a magnet instead of something cool like a pocketknife. You can use the magnets to display crappy kid art or to hold up the grocery list. Refrigerator magnets make refrigerators look more like refrigerators. Refrigerator magnets are my favorite garnish for any household appliance.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2015 · 6:07 pm

An Old Key

I have an old key on my key ring. It’s the key to a ratchet hotel that a bunch of my friends lived in for a few months during the summer of 2013. It’s a useless key. I don’t use it to open any doors. It serves no practical purpose. I know it takes up space on my key ring and in my pocket. But I won’t get rid of it. It’s a souvenir, a relic from a great time in my life. It’s a tangible memory that I can hold in my hand and use to snort blow in the bathroom while I’m clubbing. But mostly I keep it for the nostalgia factor. I’m not alone in keeping an old key. I know people who still have keys to old apartments or to the car they drove in college. You don’t want to live in the past, but there’s nothing wrong with hanging on to it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2015 · 7:02 pm

That Last Bit of Deodorant

I wear deodorant because it smells good and sweat does not. I prefer Old Spice. I get the sticks and stay away from the gels. The gel is too mushy and squishy and takes a little longer to set in. Deodorant sticks go on smoother and seem to last longer. The only problem is when you get down to that last bit of deodorant, when the plastic starts to poke through and scrape your armpits when you apply it. You know that it’s time to go to the store and get more deodorant, but you’re too lazy so you fight through the pain and use it for as long as there are traces of the stick still remaining. Put off today what you can do tomorrow. Nobody is judging you.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2015 · 6:41 pm

Paying for an Umbrella

It was raining this morning as I left for work so I grabbed my umbrella. It’s a decent umbrella. It’s collapsible so it fits in my bag, it has a wrist strap, and it has a cover too. And I got it for free. Because I don’t believe in paying for an umbrella. You don’t buy umbrellas. You find them. That’s how it works. You come across them randomly and claim them as your own. Eventually you’ll leave that umbrella on the bus or at the coffee shop accidently and someone else will take it. Lots of restaurants have a bucket for wet umbrellas by the main entrance. If it’s a sunny day and you see an umbrella there, that shit is up for grabs. Or you can raid the lost & found at work on a rainy day. There are a million ways to get an umbrella. Paying for one shouldn’t be an option.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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