Category Archives: People I Feel Sorry For

If you are in here, don’t feel too bad. I pity a lot of people.

September 25, 2013 · 12:45 pm

A Clueless Person Acting Like a Tour Guide

The other day I overheard a clueless person acting like a tour guide to his visiting friends. He was pointing at the Bay Bridge and declared it to be the Golden Gate Bridge. His friends smiled and nodded, one of them even took a picture. I had to bite my tongue to keep from slapping him. Even a blind person knows that the Golden Gate Bridge is fucking red. And a real San Francisco native would know that its official color is international orange. You’re not much of a tour guide if you’re ignorant about the city you live in. Maybe you shouldn’t be talking about stuff that you don’t know anything about. Most cities have an interesting history, and it’s your duty to learn about yours. You don’t have to be an expert, just don’t make up facts. You’ll end up embarrassing yourself and I’ll write an article about your stupidity.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 19, 2013 · 7:14 pm

A Homeless Guy Rollerblading

I got home late last night and got off my train a few stop early to stop by the store. I got some beer and some food and started walking home. I heard the familiar click-clacking sound of polyurethane wheels rolling over cement and turned around expecting to see a skateboarder, and was quite surprised to see a homeless guy rollerblading past me. First off, I wasn’t expecting to see a rollerblader, and there was no way in hell that I could have possible guessed that it would be a bum on wheels. But there he was, gliding by me with the grace of Kristi Yamaguchi. Not only was he graceful, he was good too. He was doing tricks and jumps and skating backwards and bombing down short hills. It’s good to know that you can still have a moment of joy when you don’t have anything else.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 27, 2013 · 9:59 am

Ben Affleck

It’s fun to make fun of Ben Affleck. It’s easy too. But the internet is freaking out about the fact that he’s going to play Batman/Bruce Wayne in the Man of Steel sequel. There are a million reasons why he would suck, but there are also a million reasons why he would be great. And the internet would freak out no matter who was cast as Batman. It doesn’t really matter. People keep forgetting that this isn’t a Batman movie… It’s a Superman movie. There’s no doubt that Batman will need a decent amount of screen time, but the hero of the movie will inevitably be Superman. Plus there will be another villain that they must team up against, so Batman’s screen time will be limited.

Ben Affleck has had an interesting career. He was a child actor who managed to survive Hollywood. He broke onto the scene in cult classics like Dazed and Confused and Chasing Amy, and saved the world in Armageddon. And then he appeared in a bunch of flops like Daredevil and Gigli and Paycheck. His career seemed to stall, but then he took control of his future and started writing and directing. Personal projects like The Town and Argo got his career back on track, and he deserves to be given a second chance. Or third chance. I can’t remember how many times we need to forgive him.

The internet also freaked out in 2006 when Heath Ledger was announced as the new Joker. There was no way that pretty boy Heath Ledger could portray such a dark, sinister, and nuanced character. He pulled off the performance of a lifetime, but he died before The Dark Knight came out in theaters. He went to his grave thinking that the internet/the world hated his performance even though they hadn’t seen it yet. People say it was the role that killed him, but I think it was us. Let’s not kill Ben Affleck. Kevin Smith, his buddy and Batman aficionado, will keep him in line. Ben Affleck will never be considered a great actor. But he’s still a good one, so give him a chance and quit bitching that he’s the new Batman. You know you’re going to see that movie anyway.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 16, 2013 · 9:52 am

A Bum Doing Laundry

Today was laundry day, so I brought my dirty clothes to the Laundromat and started throwing them into the washing machine. As I was doing this, I caught a whiff of something unpleasant and it wasn’t coming from my soiled drawers. I glanced around and spotted the source… there was a homeless guy fifteen feet away sitting on a chair and staring intently at his clothes thumping around in a dryer. I had to do a double take. I’ve never seen a bum doing laundry before. I just assumed that they changed one dirty outfit for another, or that they just wear the same exact thing every single day. Maybe most of them do. But this guy saved up a few bucks and used it to wash his clothes. He might not be able to take a shower, but he can still enjoy the feeling of a freshly cleaned shirt straight from the dryer. You have to take comfort in the little things in life, and that’s what this guy was doing. You sometimes forget that homeless people are homeless people, and sometimes it takes a bum doing laundry to remember that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 8, 2013 · 9:51 am

A Snoring Homeless Guy

The other night I was trying to catch a late bus to get back to my house. I got to the bus stop with a few minutes to spare and was waiting for the bus to show up, and that’s when I heard somebody snoring. I looked around and discovered the source of the sound: it was a bum sleeping on the street right behind the bus stop. It was mindboggling how anyone could possibly be sleeping so soundly without a care in the world, especially on a crowded sidewalk by a busy street. I was actually a little jealous of him because I can’t remember the last time that I had a peaceful slumber of my own. It’s kind of sad when a snoring homeless guy gets a better night’s sleep than me. It’s not fair, my bed is way more comfortable than his cardboard box but he’s sleeping like a baby while I toss and turn. At least I don’t have to worry about getting shanked while I’m passed out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:24 am

Behind on Memes

I have a friend on Facebook who is constantly posting and sharing links, pictures, and videos on his profile. He has the same sense of humor as me, and we share a lot of the same interests, and most of the things that he posts are from websites that I visit regularly. But all the shit that he shares are at least a week old. He is behind on his memes and he doesn’t realize it. It’s new to him, so he assumes it’s new to everyone else. So he will post clips of Charlie biting his brother or a guy freaking out about a double rainbow and act like he’s a fucking trendsetter. Being behind on memes is like being behind on the latest celebrity death… Yeah, it’s sad that James Gandolfini died, but that was a fucking week ago, not four hours ago. The internet has an extremely quick turnover rate. If it’s two days old, I’m already over it. And so is everyone else.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 24, 2013 · 9:54 am

Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden is the guy who found out that the National Security Agency has been illegally spying on you. Yes, you. You should be outraged. He found out that the NSA was conducting mass surveillance on US citizens by monitoring and storing communications data. They were also spying on millions of Chinese citizens, turning it into an international affair. He decided to do the right thing and share that information with the public. Then the government labeled him a traitor. And he’s been on the run ever since. So to recap: he found out that the NSA was illegally spying on millions of citizens by reading and collecting your emails and text messages, he told the public, and now he’s a fucking criminal. The guy is a hero, he should be celebrated. Instead he’s a fugitive and has to seek asylum in a foreign country. The government is probably monitoring me now because I wrote about Edward Snowden. And now they are probably watching you because you read this article about him. 2013 looks an awful lot like 1984.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 12, 2013 · 9:10 am

Emperor Norton

You can be anything you want to be in San Francisco and people will go along with it. One guy took it to the extreme and proclaimed himself to be the Emperor of the United States (and Protector of Mexico). Joshua Abraham Norton moved to the city by the bay in 1849, and by 1859 he had lost all his money and went a little crazy. Rather than do the reasonable thing and killing himself, he wrote a letter declaring himself to be the Emperor of the United States and it was published by several city newspapers. Instead of simply ignoring him, the city embraced him and mutually decided that if the crazy guy wants to be the Emperor, he can be the Emperor. He strolled the streets in a donated blue uniform, and when it became too worn and raggedy the city bought him a replacement. He ate for free at the best restaurants, was always reserved a seat for the newest play or concert, and was known all around the city and the world. He made his own money and businesses actually accepted it. He prohibited the use of “Frisco” and anyone caught saying it had to pay a $25 fine. He proposed a League of Nations and a bridge spanning the gap between SF and Oakland, decades before the United Nations and the Bay Bridge became a reality. He believed in diplomacy and equality, and stopped a potential race war between the white citizens and the Chinese immigrants. He even tried to abolish the Democratic and Republican parties. He might have been crazy, but he was still a visionary.

            A cop once arrested him for being legally insane. The city didn’t take kindly to that and he was soon released. The police chief issued an apology stating, “He had shed no blood; robbed no one; and despoiled no country; which is more than can be said of his fellows in the line.” From that day on, all of the SF policemen would salute him whenever they saw him. On January 8, 1880, Emperor Norton collapsed in the street and passed away before help arrived. He died in complete poverty, with only a few bucks to his name and some random Emperor-related nick-nacks. But over 30,000 people went to his funeral, so you can’t say that he died with nothing. He became a legend, an icon, and a celebrated symbol of San Francisco. Emperor Norton had a fascinating life, but I’m worried that his legacy is fading. Not enough people know about him these days. He has one hell of a story, and it would make a great movie or miniseries. Hollywood needs to get on that. Norton: The Compelling True Story of a Guy Who Wanted to be Emperor and the City That Let Him. And it should star Edward Norton (for obvious reasons).

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 7, 2013 · 9:59 am

Bloggers Who Don’t Know How to Write

We use words to communicate and that’s a powerful thing. In the old days you would write a letter to a friend, or you might jot things down in a journal. These days everybody just spews out the words in their heads onto the internet. Some people do it on Facebook, some people do it on Twitter, and some people create a blog. There is an ever-increasing number of bloggers who don’t know how to write. If you don’t know the difference between your and you’re, or if you don’t care, then you have no business blogging. A writer has a responsibility to know which words he is using and if they’re the right ones. I’m a blogger myself, and I blog more than most people. I know that that people make mistakes, accidents happen and everyone makes typos. But consistency is key, and if you’re constantly using the wrong words or misusing apostrophes, you need to stop what you’re doing, go back to second grade, find Mrs. Humphries, and ask her where you went wrong in life. How can you justify sharing your thoughts if you can’t even translate them correctly? I know it’s casual, but you still look stupid.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 30, 2013 · 10:25 am

Ray J

Ray J is a wannabe R&B singer/actor. A few people have heard of him because he’s Brandy’s little brother and also because he fucked Kim Kardashian before she was all used up. He basically owes everything he has to Brandy. She got him a recording contract and a role in Moesha. He was sort of in the public eye, but nobody was looking at him intentionally. It was still enough to get hot chicks to sleep with him, and one of those hotties was Kim Kardashian. They went out for a while and they made some home movies and one of them got leaked on the Internet. At that point, Ray J was already a falling star and Kim was a virtual unknown. The sex tape reminded a few people that he was still alive, but it turned Kim Kardashian into a household name. After the sex tape she got offers to do a reality show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which led to all of the terrible spin-offs and the eventual 24-hour Kardashian Network. The sex tape launched her career into the stratosphere, and Ray J’s stalled out. He’s always been second fiddle and he always will be. He’s kind of a joke because he’s not famous enough to be a punchline.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2013 · 9:55 am

A Fat Girl in a Cookie Monster Shirt

The other day I saw a chubby girl walking down the street with her mom. She looked like she was about 8 or 9 years old and she was wearing a blue shirt. I didn’t think much of it until they got closer and I realized that she was wearing a Cookie Monster T-shirt. That probably wasn’t a good wardrobe choice for a chubster. A fat girl in a Cookie Monster shirt is kind of sad. I blame her parents for getting her fat and getting her that shirt. I bet they got it for her birthday.

Her Mom: “What should we get for Kelly’s birthday?”

Her Dad: “I don’t know. She likes cookies.”

Her Mom: “Perfect, let’s get her some cookies and a Cookie Monster shirt.”

Her Dad: “Great idea, honey.”

Everyone Else: “I think she’s a cookie monster.”

If you wonder why the rest of the world hates Americans, it probably has something to do with fat kids wearing T-shirts that celebrate their obesity.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2013 · 9:58 am

A Vegetarian Who Has Never Eaten Meat

Vegetarians are people who choose not to eat meat. Sometimes they do it for health or personal reasons, or because of religious requirements. I respect vegetarians who made a choice to avoid meat. That takes willpower. However, I can’t respect a vegetarian who has never eaten meat. They never made a choice; they just blindly go along with their upbringing. They are sheep. I can’t respect their opinion. A vegetarian who has never eaten meat is more judgmental and preachy about the dangers of eating meat than a real vegetarian too. They constantly talk about how bad bacon is. They need to shut the fuck up about things that they’ve never experienced. Bacon is fucking amazing. I’ll listen to a recovering alcoholic talk about the dangers of booze, but if some sober guy who has never had a sip of beer tells me to put down the bottle, I’ll throw it at his fucking skull. Being a vegetarian should be a choice, not something you blindly follow from birth. Eat a burger before you bash it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 26, 2013 · 10:38 am

People Who Don’t Know How to Walk

Walking isn’t that hard but a lot of people can’t do it. I’m not talking about the crippled or handicapped or crawling babies. I’m talking about the idiots on the sidewalk that can’t walk in straight line or keep a steady pace. You have to walk with intention, with purpose. You can’t just be zigzagging your way down the sidewalk, stopping or slowing down to look at your phone. Hang up and fucking walk, damnit. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and repeat until you’re at your destination. And remember that there are other people trying to use the sidewalk too… Joggers, skaters, and dog walkers all want to use the sidewalk and they are probably faster than your slow pedestrian pace, so try to stick to one side of the sidewalk and don’t get distracted by a shiny mailbox and suddenly veer from your course without looking around first. Just because you’re on the sidewalk doesn’t mean there isn’t traffic and obstacles to pay attention to. Be aware of your surroundings and stay out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2013 · 9:13 am

Unfriending Someone

I just did a little spring cleaning on my Facebook account and deleted a few people. Some people post too much stupid shit way too often and I get sick of seeing it. I know you can change the settings so that their shit doesn’t show up on your wall but it’s more fun to completely remove them from your life. Unfriending someone is like lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders. Now I don’t have to see your ugly face in my newsfeed anymore and life is so much better. I wonder if you’ll ever notice that I unfriended you. I hope you do and request to be my friend just so I can unfriend you again. That would be so sweet.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 26, 2013 · 8:51 am

Watching Someone Fail at Parking

I live in San Francisco and parking spaces are hard to come by. It’s not uncommon to see two or three cars fighting for a single spot. So you have to be able to park if you’re gonna drive in the city. And if you can’t parallel park then you can’t park at all. You can always spot a tourist based on how long it takes them to park. Watching someone fail at parking would be the ultimate reality show. Each futile attempt becomes increasingly sloppy, and you would see the driver’s frustration rising and exploding into rage. At a certain point it stops being entertainment and you start to feel bad for the driver. It’s like watching a goldfish flopping on the ground next to its tank. You want to plop the little guy back in his bowl, just like you wanna go over and park the car for him. But you have to refrain yourself from helping him. If you can’t park, then you can’t drive, and if you can’t drive you shouldn’t own a fucking car. You shouldn’t help goldfish park, sometimes you just gotta let those fuckers flop around.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 2, 2013 · 9:35 am

Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez is an actor, writer, and director. He comes from a Hollywood family. His dad is Martin Sheen and his younger brother is Charlie Sheen. He could have used his dad’s stage name to break into the scene and gain a foothold. Instead he decided to keep the family name to avoid being known as Martin Sheen’s son. He was the leader of the Brat Pack and a certified movie star in the ‘80s and ‘90s. He was wildly successful, appearing in The Outsiders, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo’s Fire, Young Guns, and the Mighty Ducks trilogy. He was able to transition from a teen icon into an established Hollywood presence. Then his career stalled and he hasn’t been in anything relevant in years, and his brother’s career took off. Emilio did everything right. He worked hard, he wrote and directed his own projects, he appeared in franchises and family blockbusters, while his little brother did massive amounts of drugs and slept with prostitutes and porn stars and raised a finger to the world. And Emilio Estevez faded away while Charlie Sheen took over the world, one bad sitcom at a time. At one point Emilio Estevez was hosting the party, now he’s just lucky to be invited, and Charlie Sheen is the party.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 14, 2013 · 9:49 am

Bill Nye

There are a lot of scientists, but only one Science Guy. Bill Nye is the Science Guy. He teaches kids and kids at heart that fysics is phun. He’s hosted a few TV shows, but he’s still most famous for Bill Nye the Science Guy. These days he makes appearances all over the place, usually as himself or playing a scientist or mathematician. He’s had a great career in education and entertainment and the only reason I feel sorry for him is because so many people think that he’s dead. Just because his career died doesn’t mean that he did.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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