Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

November 2, 2012 · 9:55 am

Crunching Ice With Your Teeth

You’re reaching the end of your cup of Coke and all that’s preventing you from throwing it away are the seventeen half melted ice cubes with a hint of Coke flavor. You take off the lid and tilt a few cubes into your mouth. You start to crunch and chew and feel oddly satisfied. You proceed to finish off the rest of your ice, pausing only to use your straw to get that last stubborn ice cube from the bottom of the cup. That’s always the best one. Crunching ice with your teeth is a pleasure the dentured can only dream about.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2012 · 10:40 am

A Stupid Girl Brown Bagging It

I’m constantly amazed by the stupidity of people. Earlier today I saw a stupid girl brown bagging it on the bus. I know that she was stupid because she didn’t know how to brown bag it. She would take her forty out of the bag, take a sip, and put it back in the bag. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of brown bagging it. You don’t want people to know that you have booze. That’s why you put it in the brown bag. If you don’t know how to drink it public, you shouldn’t drink in public.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2012 · 8:19 am

Diet Coke with Grenadine

I’ve been in the service industry for a few years now and I would always joke about someone ordering a diet soda with grenadine. It was never serious, it was just a hypothetical situation in which a fictional moron would order a sugar-free soda and add cherry flavored sugar to it. It’s the kind of thing that George Carlin would make a punchline out of, like getting a veggie burger with bacon on it. It’s why you don’t pour Red Bull in a decaf coffee.

And then one day a guy ordered a Diet Coke with grenadine. He was serious. My first instinct was to talk him out of it. But he insisted. If I have to contribute to somebody’s diabetes for a 20% tip then so be it. He even had refills. That was the day I lost all faith in humanity and he didn’t see anything wrong with it.  No wonder people hate Americans.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 29, 2012 · 8:51 am

Gatorade Lime Cucumber

Gatorade has conquered the sports drink market and the only thing left for them to do is experiment with new flavors. Like Lime Cucumber. I saw this the other day and had to try it. It tastes like a watered down Lemon-Lime Gatorade with cucumbers in it and when you swallow you get a subtle citrus sensation. It’s refreshing but weird. It doesn’t fit in with Gatorade’s other products. And I can’t imagine chugging one. I’m adventurous and like trying new things but I think I’ll lay off the Lime Cucumber flavored sports drinks for a while.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 23, 2012 · 9:23 am

Watching the Game at the Bar

All across America and around the world people pack themselves into bars and pubs to watch their teams compete. Watching the game at the bar is more social, but it’s also more expensive than watching at home. It’s cool that you get to cheer and celebrate with other fans and you can discuss strategy and how bad the officials are. But you have to buy beer and food and you have to tip and that adds up. You have to deal with shit talkers and fair-weather fans who don’t know when to cheer. And there’s always a line for the bathroom. Watching the game at the bar is a ritual for some people and they like it. Some people don’t have any other place to watch it other than the bar so they have to suck it up and deal with it. No matter which camp you’re in, at least everyone in the bar can agree that watching sports and alcohol go hand in hand.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2012 · 9:40 am

Brew Free! Or Die IPA

Beer is good and microbrewed beer is even better. If you want to try a delicious craft brew, I recommend Brew Free! Or Die IPA from San Francisco’s 21st Amendment Brewery. They were one of the first breweries to put an IPA in a can instead of a bottle. It helps to preserve the flavor and it’s also better to take to the beach. It is malty and hoppy and delicious. Plus it has a 7% alcohol content so you’ll be feeling good after a few rounds. This is a good beer with a great name. Except I always want to call it Brew Free! Or Die Hard IPA. I blame Bruce Willis.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2012 · 10:32 am

Mimosas

It’s breakfast time and you want to drink without seeming like a drunk. Get a Mimosa. It’s classier than ordering a Bloody Mary. A Mimosa is typically champagne and orange juice. O.J. is a breakfast time staple and champagne has bubbles and bubbles are fun. It’s the perfect drink for breakfast or brunch.

            Mimosas are also a great choice for when you need to bring something to a daytime get-together like a pool party. Choosing the champagne is the easy part. Picking out the right orange juice is the hard part. Do you want pulp, no pulp, or some pulp? Do you want the calcium enriched one? Do you want to splurge for the organic? Fuck it, just grab some Sunny D. That should work.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2012 · 10:23 am

V8 Juice

Not in the mood to eat veggies? Well, now you can drink your veggies. The future is now. V8 is 100% vegetable juice has two full servings of vegetables. It has tomato juice, carrot juice, celery juice, beet juice, parsley juice, lettuce juice, water crest juice, and spinach juice. If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice that’s eight vegetables. V8. Get it now? It tastes like cold Campbell’s tomato soup. If that doesn’t sound appetizing, it’s because it’s not. But it’s healthy for you. So drink to your health and swallow that shit.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 18, 2012 · 9:40 am

The Only One Drinking

The other day I was at a barbeque. There were football games on the TV, chips and dip, and we had the grill going nicely. The best part was a cooler full of beers. I helped myself to one as I made small talk. One beer turned into two beers, which turned into three, four, and more. A few rounds and a bathroom trip later, I realized that I was the only one with a brew in hand. I could either stop drinking or keep going. I was past the point of tipsy and had to keep going. I owed it to myself to show those fuckers how to party. YOLO and all that stuff. Being the only one drinking is not a bad thing. It’s just not the best thing.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 17, 2012 · 9:22 am

Simply Lemonade with Raspberry

Simply Lemonade with Raspberry is an all-natural lemonade with raspberry puree. It’s not made from concentrate, it says so right on the label. It’s also 11% juice. I don’t know if that’s good or not. I will go out on a limb and say yes. It’s a healthier alternative to soda, but there’s still a lot of sugar. There’s no caffeine because it’s lemonade and that would be weird. It’s refreshing and it has vitamins. Vitamins are good for you.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 15, 2012 · 10:09 am

Grabbing the Wrong Drink

You’re at a party and having a good time. You set your plastic keg cup down for a second and when you go to pick it back up you notice three other identical cups in the vicinity. You can’t remember which one is yours, so you grab the fullest cup and start drinking. A few sips in you realize that it isn’t yours. Fuck it, alcohol kills germs anyway. Grabbing the wrong drink isn’t the biggest mistake you can make.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 5, 2012 · 9:50 am

Crossfaded

Crossfaded is when you are drunk and stoned at the same time. Being drunk is fun. Being stoned is fun. Put the two together and it’s a great time. Just be weary of the spins. You will be ok if you start smoking before drinking. It’s when you’re a few drinks in and you smoke a blunt that makes the world start spinning. Pace yourself and socialize. Enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fog. Enjoy life and being alive. Crossfaded. Everyone’s doing it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2012 · 9:59 am

A Hangover

Some people hate hangovers. I kind of like them. It means last night was successful. The actual hangover part sucks: waking up with your head pounding, that weird taste coating your mouth, your eyes bloodshot, your entire body aching, and you know it’s going to be a long day. It’s important to do inventory whenever you wake up with a hangover. You have to account for your phone, wallet, keys, your bag and anything else you had with you when you started drinking. Then you start trying to remember what you had to drink and how many shots you took. That makes you start wondering how much money you spent. Did you get food? Did you pay your bar tab? When did you black out? Did you take a cab home? Where’s your other shoe?

Hangovers hurt. But at least you have fun getting them. A fun night drinking is worth a day feeling like shit. Mondays always feel more Mondayish with a hangover.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 30, 2012 · 10:28 am

Starbucks Frappuccino Bottles

Apparently having a Starbucks on every street corner in the world isn’t enough, so Starbucks decided to start bottling their products to stick on store shelves too. Starbucks Frappuccino is a chilled coffee drink that comes in a few flavors like Coffee, Vanilla, and Mocha. The Coffee one tastes like coffee, the Vanilla one tastes like coffee and vanilla, and the Mocha one tastes like coffee and chocolate. But remember that it’s Starbucks, so it’s gourmet coffee. That means it tastes good and is overpriced.

If you are somewhere in the world without a Starbucks, you can still take Starbucks with you. And isn’t that what you always wanted? More Starbuckseses?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 28, 2012 · 9:33 am

Caffeine-Free Diet Coke

Coca-Cola Classic is the number one soda in the world. It’s the best soda; even Pepsi drinkers have to concede to the fact that Coke drinkers are more abundant, more loyal, and more awesome.

That said, I can’t comprehend that they also make a diet version with no caffeine. You just took away two of the best parts of Coke. No sugar and no caffeine? Why don’t you just drink water? It doesn’t even taste like Coke. It tastes like Diet Coke and Diet Coke doesn’t taste anything like Coke. But don’t worry. They’ve already started testing out Coca-Cola Zero Caffeine Free in a few test markets.

I don’t even think you can legally call it a soda if it has no caffeine and no sugar. It’s just flavored brown water with bubbles and chemicals. Refreshing.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 25, 2012 · 9:48 am

Breaking the Seal

Be careful about breaking the seal and plan accordingly. One of the biggest mistakes you can make while drinking is breaking the seal too early. It’s all over once you give in to your bladder and take that first drunken pee. Breaking the seal means that every other beer results in a trip to the bathroom. That could lead to disaster when everyone on your team is relying on you to flip that cup or pong that beer and you’re too busy worry about pissing your pants.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2012 · 3:09 am

Hiccups

There isn’t really anything more annoying and embarrassing than having the hiccups. Hiccups are an awesome example of onamonapia. It sounds like what it is. Hiccups are repeated audible spasms of your diaphragm. It’s your body’s way of making everyone look at you when you don’t want them to. Whenever you get the hiccups, some jerk will inevitably come up to you and say, “Oh, you got the hiccups, huh?” It’s like playing solitaire; some asshole feels the need to interrupt you to point out the obvious.

Everyone has their own secret remedy for getting rid of the hiccups. Your mom would advise you to hold your breath, count to ten, drink water, or drink water upside down with a spoon to your temple. Your dad always tried to scare them out of you. The terrifying thing is that nothing is fool proof and you can get stuck with the hiccups for days, weeks, months and sometimes years. People actually get the hiccups and never get rid of them until the day they day. I think about that every time I get the drunken hiccups and I wanna get rid of them as quickly as possible. Drunken hiccups are even worse than regular hiccups. Not only do you have the fucking hiccups, but everyone thinks you’re an amateur.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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