Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

July 27, 2013 · 9:42 am

Planning to Get Drunk

            One of the biggest signs that you might have a drinking problem is when you start planning to get drunk. You’ll tell yourself that you’re not an alcoholic; you just want to be prepared. You know that you’re going to want to drink all day and into the night and so you plan accordingly. So you’ll eat a big lunch. You’ll buy some food and snacks for later. You’ll buy an excessive amount of alcohol plus another twelve-pack just to play it safe. The last thing that you want is to run out of booze. You make sure that you have nothing to do and nowhere to go. You’re going to binge drink and there’s nothing that can stop you. Part of you feels guilty; the other part doesn’t give a fuck. Whatever, you won’t care after a few drinks anyway. It’s better to plan on getting drunk than drinking and driving, right?

            Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 24, 2013 · 9:51 am

Mexican Coke (soda, not the drug)

Coca-Cola is a classic American beverage that has been embraced by the whole world and we take a lot of pride in that fact. But Mexico makes better Coke than we do. They use real sugar and package them in glass bottles. Americans use high-fructose corn syrup and primarily package them in cans. You can taste the difference. Mexican coke is slightly sweeter and has less of an aftertaste, but it’s still Coca-Cola, just a better tasting version of it. It’s a little more expensive, but it’s worth it. I fancy myself an amateur soda connoisseur, and Mexican Coke has a place in my personal Top Five Best Sodas list. I’m not sure of it’s exact standing because I’ve never actually made a Top Five Best Sodas list, but it would be on there for sure. Mexican Coke is nostalgia in a bottle, you can experience what real Coke used to taste like.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 19, 2013 · 9:53 am

Starbucks Coffee + Milk Iced Coffee

Did you know that Starbucks makes bottles of iced coffee? Not Frappuccinos, I’m talking about regular coffee served cold and lightly sweetened. I tried the Coffee + Milk flavor and it tastes like coffee and milk. It tastes like what it’s called. My biggest complaint is that it’s not really iced coffee because there is no ice in it. And I doubt that they actually make it with ice. It’s not really iced coffee unless it had ice in it at some point. It really should be called Starbucks Chilled Coffee + Milk. All in all it’s pretty good, but if I want Starbucks products from the store I would stick with a Frappuccino or a Double Shot Espresso.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 18, 2013 · 10:21 am

Your Favorite Cup

I have a favorite cup. It’s a plastic souvenir cup that my friend got for me from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I pretty much use it every single day. I’m even using it right now. I wash it and rinse it out everyday, but it never goes into the cupboard. It lives in my room on the table so my roommates can’t steal it and use it. One time my friend used it without asking me. I had to use another cup, and it made my drink taste weird. I’m not against other cups, I just prefer my Harry Potter one. Plus I don’t have a dishwasher so I try to keep my dish use down to a minimum. The less shit I use, the less shit I have to clean up. But even if I had a dishwasher, I’d probably still use the same cup everyday anyway. Things taste better out of your favorite cup, even if it’s just psychosomatic. I don’t know how a plastic drinking vessel can have so much sentimental value, but it does. I know that I’m crazy, but it’s way more interesting than being normal. Cheers to that with my Harry Potter cup.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 10, 2013 · 7:22 am

Bar Mat Shot

A bar mat is a staple fixtures in bars around the world. They are rubber mats that grip glasses to prevent them from breaking and they have the added bonus of capturing and containing spills. Over the course of a shift, the bar mat collects the excess liquor and mixers from all the drinks made by messy bartenders. A bar mat shot is just what it sounds like: a shot of the liquid from the bar mat. It’s the ultimate mystery shot. It will have all types of booze, everything from absinthe to vodka, as well as other random flavors like OJ and Red Bull thrown in. There is no set recipe for a bar mat shot. It’s contains whatever drinks the bartender knocks over. It will taste different every time. A bar mat shot is never a good idea. Nothing good can come from taking one. You’ll probably end up puking right away. And if you don’t throw up, somebody else will when they watch you take it. It’s that nasty. If you’re even tempted to try it, consider it a sign to stop drinking for the night.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 3, 2013 · 9:29 am

Naked Peach Guava + Coconut Water

Naked makes all natural fruit juices, made with 100% juice and no sugar added. It’s healthy and delicious, not to mention it’s also gluten free, has no preservatives, and is vegan. But I don’t care about all the health bullshit, I care if it tastes good or not. And it tastes good. I got the Peach Guava + Coconut Water blend. It has ¾ of a peach, ¾ of a guava, ½ of a coconut’s water, 1/3 of a mango, ¾ of an orange, and ¾ of an apple. The peach, guava, and mango makes it tastes tropical, the coconut water gets kind of muted, but it makes the medley more refreshing. And it’s fun to say that I got Naked at the store. Or that I got Naked with your mom and she swallowed my sweet sticky juice. I can keep going with this. There’s nothing wrong with getting Naked. You should get Naked too and see what all the fuss is about. Everyone should get Naked and we can have a huge Naked party.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 23, 2013 · 10:54 am

Simply Limeade

It’s a hot summer day and you want a cold refreshing drink. Lemonade seems to be the ideal drink for this situation but sometimes you want to mix things up a bit without going too crazy. That’s then you should reach for a limeade. It’s like lemonade, but it’s made with limes instead of lemons. It’s more sour, it’s more tart, and it’s an overall more intense citric experience. Simply Limeade is just one brand’s version of limeade, and it’s one of the few limeades that you might find in a convenience store. Limeade isn’t as popular as most other fruit beverages, so it’s harder to find a store that carries it. If you’re lucky enough to spot it, you should grab it. Limeade is a drink that doesn’t get much respect. Limeade is an occasional treat, an alternative to the mundane. You’ve never met anybody that prefers it over all other beverages. And if they do, they are fucking weird as shit and that’s enough of a reason to stop talking to them.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 20, 2013 · 10:20 am

Table vs Bar Top

It’s beer thirty and it’s time to start drinking. You walk into the bar and are instantly faced with a decision. You can sit at the bar top or you can grab a table. I prefer getting a table. You can actually make eye contact with other people and have a normal conversation with your friends. It’s more casual and relaxed. The biggest problem with sitting at a table is that ordering another drink becomes a hassle. Everybody gets lazy and settled in, and if you finally cave and stand up to get another drink, everybody else is waving cash at you and asking that you also order them a beer while you’re up.

Sitting at the bar top is convenient, but it’s also kind of depressing. You are instantly limited in who you can talk to; it’s either the person the right or left of you and the bartender. The bartender might make small talk with you, but he or she doesn’t give a shit about you. They might crack a joke or share an anecdote, but they are just trying to get a tip out of you. You’re basically paying them to pretend to be your friend. Sitting at the bar top shows that you mean business. You are there to drink. Sitting at a table shows that you are there to socialize. You are there to have a drink with your friends. It doesn’t matter which one you prefer, as long as you have a drink in your hand.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 20, 2013 · 10:17 am

Calypso Ocean Blue Lemonade

Everyone’s had lemonade or pink lemonade at some point in their life. But not everyone has had blue lemonade. Not to brag or anything, but I have. More specifically, I had an Ocean Blue Lemonade from Calypso. I don’t know much about Calypso as a brand, but the label was kind enough to invite to me to enjoy the Taste of the Islands even though they are based out of Milwaukee. The Ocean Blue Lemonade is made from real sugar and it also contains real lemon bits. But it’s only 6% juice and it’s fucking blue, so it can’t be healthy for you. It will also turn your tongue blue, so you shouldn’t drink it if you want to be taken seriously. If you like lemonade, but wish it was more extreme, this is the drink for you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 13, 2013 · 10:12 am

Anchor California Lager

California Lager is another delicious offering from the Anchor Brewing Company in San Francisco. They are best known for Anchor Steam, but I think California Lager has the potential to usurp its position as the brewery’s flagship beer. People like lagers and people like California, so it’s only fitting that they would be enticed by a lager from California that’s called California Lager. It has a 4.9% alcohol content, which is in the average range for lagers.  It’s crisp and refreshing, and hoppier than most lagers. It tastes kind of like Stella Artois, but with more of an attitude. It’s a great day beer, ideal for hot summer days and backyard barbeques. I like it. And you’ll like it too if you’re a fan of good beer.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 12, 2013 · 9:08 am

Jarritos Mexican Cola

If you’ve ever gone to a real burrito place or taco shop, then you’re probably familiar with Jarritos, the popular soda brand from Mexico. They make a lot of fruit flavored sodas, but they also make cola, specifically Mexican Cola. They use real sugar, and it creates a more authentic cola taste. It’s sweeter than Coke and it’s less acidic. I want to say that it’s better than Coke, but brand loyalty won’t let me admit it. Let’s just say that if I had a choice between a can of Coke or a bottle of Jarritos, I would choose the Jarritos. But if it were a choice between Jarritos or a bottle of Mexican Coke made with real cane sugar, I would choose the Coke. Either way, Mexico wins. But the real winner is real sugar. High-fructose corn syrup is not an adequate substitute.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 11, 2013 · 9:17 am

Neglected Drinks

If you’re a bartender or if you’ve ever hosted a party, you know all about neglected drinks. Neglected drinks are beers or cocktails that have been abandoned, either accidently or intentionally. Some are just a few swigs away from being finished, some of them have a few sips taken out of them, and some of them haven’t even been touched at all (which is the biggest crime of all). Alcohol is precious. It takes a lot of time to brew a beer or distill a spirit. So don’t waste it. If you don’t like it, give it to your drunk friend who will drink anything. You don’t need to set it down somewhere and pretend to forget about it. And if you’re already wasted, practice some self-control and stop ordering drinks if you can’t handle any more liquor. Neglected drinks need to stop. There are sober kids in China.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 6, 2013 · 9:52 am

Hubert’s Lemonade – Blackberry Lemonade

I’ve ever heard of Hubert or his lemonade until today, when I found it on display at the local corner store. It’s been around since 1935. I feel out of the loop. Better late than never, I guess. I see a lot of lemonades and strawberry lemonades and raspberry lemonades, but I never saw blackberry lemonade before so I had to try it. It’s sour and sweet, and slightly more bitter and acidic than raspberry lemonade. I like it. Hubert’s actually uses cane sugar as opposed to high-fructose corn syrup. You can taste the difference between this and Minute Maid. Minute Maid is crap. Hubert’s Lemonade tastes like something Grandma would make. Your grandma is hot, by the way. Look for the winking lemon smiley face the next time you go to the store.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 5, 2013 · 9:57 am

Speakeasy Double Daddy Imperial IPA

San Francisco has a few amazing microbreweries and Speakeasy is one of them. They have a Prohibition/old-timey gangster theme that is evident in their naming of products and in the artwork on the labels. Double Daddy Imperial IPA continues the trend and has a backroom poker theme, proclaiming that it’s doubling down on the malt and hops with its no-limit style. It’s kind of a sequel to their Big Daddy IPA, only with more hops and more malt, and it’s also Imperial now. It has a malty scent with a caramel and pine aroma. You can really taste the malt when it first hits your tongue, but it’s balanced out by grapefruit and pine hops. It’s smooth and sweet and bold with flavor. The nice 8.5% alcohol content will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. It’s beers like this that make me wonder why people still drink Bud Light.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 1, 2013 · 9:50 am

Bar Hopping

You want a drink but can’t decide where to go. Bar hopping is the perfect solution. Instead of choosing one bar to hang out and get drunk in, you’ll choose a neighborhood with a few chill bars and grab a drink at each of them. You’ll begin at someplace familiar, than start meandering down the street toward the next place. You’ll go into a bar that you’ve seen but never experienced, grab a drink, glance around at the regulars, and then head off for the next one. It’s a good way to pass the time. You feel like an active and motivated drunk. It’s kind of cool to go from a dive bar to a trendy spot. You get a change of scenery and atmosphere. You see a difference in the customers and the cost of the drinks. Every bar has a hook or something unique about it, something that makes it special. You’ll never see what the world has to offer if you only stay in one place. The biggest downside is that it’s almost impossible for other friends to meet up with you, because you don’t know where you’ll be in thirty-five minutes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 31, 2013 · 8:56 am

The Expiration Date

I’m not a picky eater, but I always pay attention to the expiration date. Especially with milk. I can’t drink milk if it’s expired. It doesn’t matter if it’s the day after it expires or if it’s the exact date. I just can’t do it. I’m even a little reluctant if I notice that tomorrow is the expiration date. It somehow makes the milk taste sour and weird. It’s all psychological, but it still tastes funny. Bottled water also has an expiration date, and I’d sooner pour it down the drain than drink it. I know that the expiration date is not the end of the world. I’m totally ok with eating canned goods after the expiration date, provided it’s within a week or two of the expiration date. I figure if it can last for years without spoiling, it’s earned a few days’ grace period. But it still tastes funny.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 21, 2013 · 10:26 am

Faderade

Faderade is the ideal beverage for when you have to combine day drinking with drinking in public. It’s a simple mixture of Gatorade and vodka served in an inconspicuous Gatorade bottle. You’ll look like every other thirsty dude on the street. The vodka will get you drunk and the Gatorade will help keep you hydrated. Plus it has electrolytes. Gatorade and vodka go together pretty well. You can hardly taste the vodka if you find the right balance. Just be careful because you can get fucked up pretty fast and be blacked out in no time. And for the next few days, you’ll get sick whenever you see the Gatorade flavor you made it with. It doesn’t matter which flavor you get, but I prefer the blue ones. Avoid the red ones because you’ll think that you’re dying when you start throwing up.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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