Monthly Archives: November 2013

November 22, 2013 · 9:38 am

Using Up Abandoned Bottles of Shampoo

Anyone who has caught a glimpse of the bathroom in my apartment has realized that we have an insane amount of crap in the shower. There are a few half-empty bottles of body wash, facial scrub, shampoo, and conditioner that sit there unused and undisturbed, remnants from former roommates and ex-girlfriends. There’s even a mesh sponge with a dead spider in it. Really. You can’t make that shit up. And I’m tired of seeing all these forgotten hygienic products and I’m too cheap to simply throw them away, so I’ve been using them when I shower (not the dead spider sponge, I’m hoping that a houseguest uses that one). Using up abandoned bottles of shampoo might not be ideal, but it’s better than wasting it and dumping it into the garbage. I try to think of them as free samples, not as scavenging. And anything that saves you a few bucks these days can’t be that bad.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2013 · 10:47 am

Earthworm

A earthworm is a non-arthropod invertebrate that looks like a kind of like a soft, squishy, gooey snake. They live in the ground and eat dirt. Birds like to eat them. Guys like to use them as fishing bait. You thought a lot about worms when you were a kid. You would sometimes play with them or poke them with a stick. But you don’t think about them anymore these days. You forget all about them until you see one wriggling on the sidewalk during the rain or until you read about them in a stupid blog post. But they are always there, munching on dirt and digging holes a couple of inches below your feet. Earthworms are limbless, earless, eyeless, and noseless, but they have surprisingly sharp teeth (sharp enough to puncture human skin). They don’t bite as hard as snails, but they bite about as hard or harder than most slugs. That’s why I never walk outside barefoot.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 21, 2013 · 10:44 am

Walking in the Rain

Walking in the rain can either be a terrible thing or a great thing. It sucks when you don’t plan on it raining and you get caught in a sudden downpour without an umbrella. You end up soaking wet and completely miserable. But planning to go for a walk in the rain changes everything. You put on a warm jacket with a hood and some waterproof boots and take a stroll through the park. The rain keeps all the normal people inside, so you end up having the park to yourself. You walk along with no particular destination, pausing every now and then to watch the drops ripple across a pond. You take deep, long breaths, filling your lungs with the fresh air that only comes with rain. The rain makes the air sweeter and more vibrant, and it makes you feel more alive. Walking in the rain is soothing, it relaxes your soul. It’s hard to feel stressed when you’re at one with nature.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2013 · 10:43 am

Pretending That You’ve Seen A Movie You Haven’t Seen

People are habitual liars. We lie all the time. We lie about important things and we lie about unimportant things. We lie just to lie. We even lie about the movies we’ve seen and the books we’ve read. Pretending that you’ve seen a movie you haven’t seen is one of the most common lies told. You’ll be at a party and everyone is talking about the new George Clooney flick that you haven’t seen or heard about, but you don’t want to feel left out. You join the conversation even though you have no idea what to say, so you just stammer out a bunch of bullshit about how you like the dialog and the chemistry between the actors. You’ll feel slightly ashamed that you’re lying about something so trivial, but not enough to prevent you from lying. Movies are a shared experience, they are a common bond, they connect people. People lie about seeing a movie because they just want to feel involved.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2013 · 10:38 am

Dropping Your Phone on Your Face

You’re lying in bed after a long night out and your phone buzzes. You fumble around for your phone, too tired to even sit up. You finally find your phone and hold it over your face, trying to figure out who is calling you so early and why. But you’re too groggy to function and you end up dropping your phone on your face. What a great way to start the day. At least you’re awake now. Hopefully your thick skull didn’t crack the screen. I don’t think your protection plan covers face dropping.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2013 · 10:08 am

AA Battery

It doesn’t matter how cool your electronics are if you don’t have any batteries to power them. There are a bunch of different sized batteries, but nothing beats AA batteries. AA batteries (or double A batteries) are the most popular type of battery in the world, accounting for over half of battery sales worldwide. They are the preferred battery for most portable electronics, powering everything from toothbrushes to remote controls to speakers to flashlights. Your household is incomplete if you don’t have any spare AA batteries lying around in a drawer somewhere. You would be fucked if there was a natural disaster or if you lost power for a few days. AA batteries are one of the things that most people would forget to scavenge when the zombie apocalypse happens. I would loot the Duracell factory, hoard all the batteries, and use them as a currency to buys guns, food, and land. Eventually I would become the King of Zombieland. Whoever has the batteries has the power.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2013 · 10:06 am

Anderson Valley Bourbon Barrel Stout

Bourbon Barrel Stout is an American stout from the Anderson Valley Brewing Company. It’s a malt beverage aged in Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrels. It’s a winning combination anytime you combine beer with another alcohol, as far as I’m concerned. It has a smoky aroma, exactly like what you’d expect and hope for. You get whiffs of whiskey, chocolate malt, toasted malt, with a little hint of vanilla and oatmeal cookies. It’s really creamy and smooth and drinkable. I taste chocolate and caramel malts primarily, with sweet molasses, roasted coffee, oak, and just a hint of bourbon. It has a 6.9% alcohol content, enough to keep you warmed up on a cold night. It’s a delicious beer and worth getting again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2013 · 9:55 am

The Noble Collection Holiday Catalog

A few years ago I bought my sister a replica of Dumbledore’s wand for Christmas, and it was one of the best things that I’ve ever done because now I get The Noble Collection Holiday Catalog delivered in the mail every November. It’s basically a catalog for movie nerds. They have replicas of props from all the movies you geek out over. Do you like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings? Well then maybe you would enjoy an Illuminating Gandalf Staff for $159, or maybe the Pipe of Bilbo Baggins for only $69 (and it says it’s fully functional). They have a bunch of stuff from The Dark Knight trilogy as well. You can get a Folding Batarang Money Clip in either bronze or flat black for $39. $395 will get you a full-sized Batman Cowl or Bane Mask… I’m not sure you could actually wear them, but I’d love to find out.

The catalog also has a few other items like a Throne Bookend from Game of Thrones, The Green Power Lantern from The Green Lantern, and the Golden Compass from The Golden Compass. But the main reason why I get excited when the Holiday Catalog finally comes is for all their Harry Potter merchandise. They have about fifty wands from fifty different characters. They even sell fancy wand displays so you can display all your fancy wands. Almost every cool Harry Potter prop is available for sale. You can buy the Sword of Gryffindor, the Marauder’s Map, Tom Riddle’s Diary, the Sorcerer’s Stone, even a goddamned Firebolt. You might think that spending $295 on a broom is excessive, but it’s a fucking Firebolt! It’s the fastest broom there is. You’d be an idiot not to buy it. I know I’m not supposed to waste money on frivolous things, but it’s hard not to with The Noble Collection Holiday Catalog.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2013 · 9:51 am

Anchor BigLeaf Maple Autumn Red

BigLeaf Maple Autumn Red is Anchor Brewing’s fall seasonal. It’s a red ale brewed with real maple syrup. It has a toasty malt scent mixed with pine and citric hops, and a hint of maple. It has a nice caramel malt flavor with a decent amount of hoppy goodness as well. There is a little bit of maple syrup flavor, but it’s hardly noticeable. It’s got a 6% alcohol content, which is about average for Anchor’s brews. It’s alright, it’s slightly better than your average red ale, but I was expecting a little bit more from Anchor. It’s still a satisfying beer, but it’s a bit of a letdown for their fall seasonal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2013 · 10:33 am

Stonewall’s Jerquee Original Mild

Stonewall’s Jerquee is a brand of vegetarian jerky. Yeah, they make vegetarian jerky. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make any sense to me. And when I saw such a bullshit product, I had to buy it to try it. They have a few different flavors of fake jerky and I decided to go with Original Mild, because why not. I just opened the bag and I’m already regretting this purchase. It comes in little pieces rounded pieces that look somewhat like meat, but with a funky smell that’s reminiscent of cheap dog food. I just took a bite. It tastes like dog food. It’s like a chewy, slightly moist kibble. It’s disgusting. I had to spit it out. I would have vomited if I actually swallowed it. There is no reason why a product like this should be allowed to exist. It’s foul, it’s revolting, and it’s completely unnecessary. Don’t ever buy this shit, not even out of curiosity. It’s the worst thing in the history of the world.

Critically Rated at 0/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 17, 2013 · 10:29 am

Heretic Evil Cousin

Evil Cousin is a massively hoppy Imperial IPA from Pittsburg, California’s Heretic Brewing Co. It’s a companion beer to their Evil Twin Red Ale, but I think it’s better than Evil Twin. I prefer IPAs over Red Ales, it has an 8% ABV as opposed to Evil Twin’s 6.8% ABV, and there’s a lot more emphasis on the hops. If you like hops, you’ll like this beer. It has a rich grapefruit and piney hop scent, and you can really taste the hops in the brew. I taste pine, grapefruit, citrus, resin, and spicy hops. You also get a little malty sweetness that really allows the hops to stand out. It’s a well-rounded West Coast Double IPA, and definitely worth drinking again. Plus it has a cool name and a cool label, so you look cool when you drink it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2013 · 9:00 am

Batkid

The world is a depressing place. Every time you turn on the TV you are bombarded by bad news. You see images of war, death, disease, and destruction on every major news channel. But every now and then, an inspirational story captures the public’s attention. November 15, 2013 was one of those days. That’s when we got to meet five-year-old Miles Scott, a.k.a. Batkid, a hero in every sense of the word. He has fought cancer and now he fights crime thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation and the city of San Francisco.

You would be hard-pressed to find a story as heartwarming as this. A terminally-ill child wished to be a superhero, and thousands of strangers and a major city rose to the occasion, the ultimate game of make believe. San Francisco was transformed into Gotham City for a day as Batkid saved damsels in distress, baseball mascots, and apprehended major villains like the Penguin and the Riddler. Thousands of strangers gathered in the streets to cheer him on, and millions more followed the live Twitter feed. The whole world was soon voicing their support for Batkid and San Francisco. Even Barrack Obama had to comment on the phenomenon.

Miles Scott may never know the significance of what he’s done. He briefly united the world and made it a better place. And that’s the sign of a true superhero. I’m so proud of my city and everyone who supported Batkid and the Make-A-Wish Foundation. It’s no small feat to restore faith in humanity.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2013 · 8:56 am

Pay Day

Pay Day is the day that you get paid. It’s the day that you can spoil yourself a little bit and indulge a little more.  After all, you earned it. It’s the day that reminds yourself of why you work in the first place. You work to get money, and you get that money on Pay Day. It usually comes once each fortnight or twice a month (I know that a fortnight means two weeks, but I never get to use that word and I wanted to be pretentious). Pay Day means that you can afford to go out and spend your money a little more frivolously. You probably shouldn’t, but if you’re going to waste money that’s the day to do it. Pay Day is when you go out for celebratory and meaningless cocktails with your coworkers. It’s when you buy that gadget you’ve been eyeing. It’s when you splurge and buy a few new shirts to add to your wardrobe. It’s when you buy your kid medicine so she stops coughing and keeping you up at night. Pay Day is one of the few times that a regular Joe Schlub feels like Donald Trump. Pay Day is what keeps capitalism alive. All hail the Pay Day.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 15, 2013 · 8:57 am

Filming

So production is currently underway for the Critically Rated movie. What an exciting time to be alive. I can’t give you too many details, but it’s basically the story of a guy trying to get weed on his day off and it’s based on the hero’s journey. You know, when the hero goes out into the world and is presented with a quest and has to overcome three trials while dealing with archetypical characters like the guide, the mentor, the villain, and the princess. Codirector/Producer/Cinematographer Leonard Cohen and I are only a few weeks into production and there’s still a lot of work left to be done, but I feel confident that the movie that’s been in my head for years will finally make the transition to the screen.

Filming is hard. It’s so damn time consuming. You have to find a day when everyone can film. You have to decide where and when you’re going to film. You have to stage a scene and film it multiple times from multiple angles. You’re lucky to get a minute of usable footage from a few hours of filming. You have to worry about lighting, sound, the actors’ performances, and that’s the easy part. Eventually you have to edit the film to make it flow, and add music to enhance the emotion… that turns raw footage into a film. And even then you see things that you don’t like and think of things that you need to add. And that’s when you do reshoots and recut the movie to make it more cohesive. My film takes place in one day, but it will take more than two months to complete filming it, and then another couple of weeks to edit it. I can only hope that there are no glaring continuity errors. It’s hard work, but hopefully it will pay off in the end and I can put a shiny golden statue on my mantle.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2013 · 8:54 am

Helados Mexico Chicle

Helados Mexico Chicle is a bubblegum flavored premium ice cream bar from Mexico. What can I say about it? It’s blue. It tastes kind of like bubblegum, but they use milk and eggs to make it, so it has a weird creamy flavor to it. It doesn’t taste right. There are two piece of bubblegum at the bottom, but they are frozen so they might crack your teeth when you try to chew them. The gum is crumbly and brittle with absolutely no flavor, but it’s still two treats in one so it kind of redeems itself a little bit. But it’s still not enough for me to fully endorse this product. It would be good if it were a bubblegum flavored popsicle. Frozen bubblegum flavored dairy products on a stick don’t impress me. This is a misstep from Helados Mexico. For shame.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2013 · 8:42 am

Spitting

Spitting is when you forcibly eject saliva, phlegm, or some other substance from your mouth. Some people consider it gross, but a vast majority of the world’s population enjoys a good spit from time to time. I remember when I went to Moscow and needed to spit, but wasn’t sure if it was taboo or not. I glanced around and saw a babushka hocking a fat loogie onto the sidewalk. Anything is acceptable if a little old lady does it. There are only a few rules about spitting. You shouldn’t spit inside unless you have something to spit into. You shouldn’t spit into the wind. And you should never spit on anyone (unless they really deserve it). Spitting on someone is one of the most insulting things you can do to another person. No normal person has ever enjoyed/appreciated being spat on. Your sister gets off on it though.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2013 · 8:40 am

Stop Sign

A stop sign is a traffic sign that tells you when to stop. They are red, octagonal, and are typically found at intersections. You need to stop when you approach a stop sign, unless you want to get a ticket. You have to come to a complete spot and yield to pedestrians and to the cars that have the right of way. Just be mindful of bikers and skaters because they think stop signs are optional and they might dent your car if you run into them. Sometimes stop signs get stolen (mostly by bored teenaged stoners, because they are shiny and stoners like shiny things. Trust me, I know from experience. I happen to have a stolen stop sign on the wall in my room for decoration. I’m only admitting it because I stole it ten years ago and I’m pretty sure the statue of limitations has kicked in. I took it from a construction zone, not from a busy intersection, so I didn’t endanger any drivers. It was pretty much the perfect crime and it’s a conversation starter, so I’m glad that I took it. And it’s proof that I was a badass in my younger days.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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