Chicken Noodle Soup

It sucks being sick with a cold or flu. You have a fever, you have chills, maybe your nose is stuffed or runny. You just want to stay tucked in bed all day. You have to force yourself to drink hot tea, orange juice, and lots of fluids. The only good part of being sick is eating chicken noodle soup. It could be canned, it could be homemade, it doesn’t matter. You just want chicken noodle soup. It warms you up and makes you feel better if only for a moment. I feel bad for vegetarians with colds, because orange juice isn’t quite as satisfying.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Blank Check (film)

What would you do with a million dollars? Spend the shit out of it, of course. When eleven-year-old Preston Waters (Brian Bonsall) gets a blank check from a shady criminal, he uses the power of technology to write himself a check for a million dollars. Somehow he gets it cashed, and Preston finds out that more money means problems.

Preston is eleven years old and acts a lot older. He knows that he’s being screwed over financially because he is a kid. His two older brothers have a fake business that requires them to take over his room. His dad supports the older brothers because they are trying to make a buck. Preston hates his life and his financial situation and has a wish list for a better life.

Preston’s biggest wish is not for money, but for the death of his two brothers. He openly states to his parents that he wants his brothers to die, and it is later reinforced when you see his typed Birthday Wish List. The number one wish is for his brothers to be taken out. Number two is for a house. We know his priorities off the bat, and he’s obviously evil and sadistic.

One day Preston is riding his bike around a bank and a criminal named Carl Quigley backs into him. The bad guy doesn’t want any extra attention, especially from the police, so he writes Preston a blank check to pay for the damage. Preston takes advantage of the opportunity to commit a little bank fraud and writes out a check for a million dollars. When Preston cashes in the check, the stupid bank manager believes that he’s working for Quigley and gives him a million dollars in dirty money.

Preston now has more money than he can dream of and he goes crazy spending it. He invents a phantom boss named Mr. Macintosh and pretends to be working for him. He buys a mansion, a go-kart track, a faithful chauffeur named Henry, a waterslide, and a bunch of other toys.

He starts to fall for Shay Stanley, who he thinks works at the bank but is actually a federal agent. She is out to capture the mysterious Macintosh for fraud, and thinks that Preston is the way to find him.

Preston has to deal with the pressure of spending a million dollars and has a few bumbling bad guys after his loot and he’s also trying to get some loving from an older woman.

This is not your standard Disney movie and it’s evident within the first five minutes. There’s a hardened criminal who escapes from jail. The dad makes a sex joke about how a computer will teach you everything except how to make love to a woman. The hero of the story is mercilessly mocked and bullied by his older brothers. Preston tells his parents that he wants his brothers to die. He also reinforces that fact by writing it down for his birthday wish list. His number one wish is for his brothers to die. Number two is getting his own house. Throughout the movie, Preston is continually adding to his list and accomplishes most of his goals; the only one that remains is killing his brothers. At least we know what to expect for the sequel.

On the surface, this seems like a movie preaching against being selfish and having too much money. But when you pay attention you realize that money makes things better. The movie tries to make a point that Preston has all this money and toys and no one to have fun with. But then you remember that when he was poor, he didn’t have any friends and was picked on. His friends bashed him. His brothers would tease him and physically beat on him. At least when he had money, he also got a little respect.

This movie is more relevant today than it was when it came out. It’s definitely dated and a lot of the things that he buys are laughable. But if you were a kid and got a million dollars you would spend it in stupid ways too. Especially in the ‘90s.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sloshball

Sloshball is like baseball or kickball but with a beer in your hand. You play offense with a beer, you play defense with a beer, and second base should be a keg. On paper the object of the game is simple: you want to score more runs than the other team before you run out of innings. But the real object of the game is to get drunk and have a good time. You have a good time sacrificing your beer to catch a foul ball. You have a great time by pegging a base runner and smashing his beer cup into his face. You have an awesome time laughing and cheering and celebrating great plays. Sloshball is fun sport, best reserved for birthdays and special events. It’s not recommended for kids.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Song That Takes You Back

Sometimes you turn on the radio and you hear a song that you haven’t heard in years. And the memories start flooding back. A good song can take you places. You remember the first time you heard it, you remember blasting it and passionately singing off-key with your friends, you remember 8th grade dances and high school anthems, you remember summer nights and road trips, you remember the one who got away.

One of the most amazing things about music is that it’s a time machine. It brings you back to a time when you were happy and free and young. A song that takes you back is a gift, a treasure, and a treat.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Forgetting Why You Walked Into a Room

You’re sitting in the living room and you get up to grab your phone charger from your room. You walk down the hall, confident that you’ll succeed with this easy mission. You go into your room and glance around before realizing you don’t know what you’re looking for. You’ll ask yourself out loud, “What the hell did I come in here for?” You start picking up random objects in the hope that something will click. Something about walking through a doorway causes a brain fart and you experience a temporary bout of Alzheimer’s. Forgetting why you walked into a room can drive you crazy. But if you go back to the original room and think real hard, you might remember your fucking phone charger.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Kel Mitchell

If you experienced the ‘90s at all, you might remember Kel Mitchell. He was one half of the teenaged Kenan and Kel comedy troupe. He’s skinny one who likes orange soda. I feel bad for Kel because he did it wrong. Kenan did it right. Kenan Thompson was able to transition from absurd kid sketch comedy to adult sketch comedy on SNL. Kel transitioned from being a child star to being a footnote in mediocre productions. Kel still has a career. Just not much of one.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Forgetting the Stamp

I know it’s a rarity to send anything by mail these days, but it still happens. Because it happens less and less, we have forgotten many simple aspects of sending something by snail mail. Like writing down the desired address correctly, or putting down the return address, or (most importantly) not forgetting the stamp.

If you forget the stamp, your letter or package or gas bill isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. And if you also forget the return address it ends up in the Land of Missing Socks. That sucker is gone forever. And it’s your fault for forgetting the stamp.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking on the Phone on Public Transportation

If you are on the bus, train, ferry, or some other form of public transportation and your phone rings, you have two options. You can do the right thing and ignore the call, or you can answer your phone. It’s understandable to answer your phone. But you should mention right off the bat that you’re on the bus so you can’t really talk. You find out what they want and you end the conversation.  But if you answer and proceed to have a loud and glorified conversation for more than five minutes, you are blissfully ignorant of how rude and obnoxious you are. It’s even worse if you’re the one calling people on public transportation. You are scum and you should know that.

There’s this thing called Other People. You might want to continuously be yakking on your phone for thirty minutes, but Other People don’t want to be forced to eavesdrop on your lame but loud conversation. Other People don’t give a shit about your day, and they don’t want to hear about it.  No one wants to listen your stupid conversation about how drunk you were last night and how mean your boss was today because you were hungover. And you talk a lot of shit about your friends to whoever you’re talking to.

Who calls people anyway? It’s text or bust. Especially on the bus.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Knowing Your Neighbors

I grew up in the suburbs and I lived on a dead end street with about fifteen houses. I knew all my neighbors. I knew all their faces, all their names, and all their pets. We had block parties where the whole street would come out and eat guacamole and socialize. There were a bunch of kids my age and we spent summer nights playing a never-ending game of Kick the Can. After school and before homework, we played roller hockey, baseball, football, and jumped on trampolines until our backs hurt. If mom ran out of eggs making dinner, we would just run across the street and ask to borrow some. Life in the suburbs is awesome. We even knew our mailman by name.

Then I moved out, into the city and into reality. I’ve lived in the same spot for five years now, and I only know one family of neighbors and that’s because we live in the same building. I recognize their faces, but I don’t even know their names. I kind of prefer it that way, I like the mystery. We nod to each other when we see each other. Sometimes we engage in awkward small talk. We have a mutual agreement where they take out the garbage and recycling bins and we take them in. For the most part we don’t bother them, and they don’t bother us.

I don’t know the neighbors that live on the houses next to us. I don’t know the family across the street. And I don’t know why. Even though there’s a lot more people living in the city, sometimes a sense of community is missing. And that’s sad, because sometimes you need an egg and the store is so far away.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Man on the Moon

In case you don’t pay attention to the real world, Neil Armstrong died last week. He was the first person to walk on the moon, in case you didn’t pay attention in school. And now he’s dead. He was the first of twelve men to step foot on the lunar surface. The last time a man was on the moon was during the Apollo 17 mission, and that was in mid-December of 1972.

The last time man actually had a foot on the moon was December 13, 1972 and they blasted off for home the day after that. So if you were born on December 15, 1972 or any day after that, there has never been a man on the moon in your lifetime. Every single baby, toddler, child, teenager, and adult between the age of fetus and 39 has never experienced NASA or any other space program putting a man on the moon. And that’s kind of lame. Good job with Curiosity I guess.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Canadian Bacon (food, not the film)

Canadian bacon is not bacon. I’m not even sure it is really from Canada either. Canadian bacon looks like ham, smells like ham, and it tastes like ham. I’m pretty sure it’s fucking ham. It’s mostly found served as a breakfast item or paired up with pineapple on a pizza.

Canadian bacon is a lie. If you want bacon, you need bacon. A slice of imposter ham is not going to satisfy your achin’ for bacon. And yes, that is a reference to The Lion King.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Gymkata (terrible, terrible film)

Gymkata is one of those movies that is so bad that you can’t stop watching it. You know right away that it sucks. And it just gets worse and worse until it reaches its sucky ending. At first you’re glad that it’s over. Then you get mad at yourself for wasting 90 minutes of your life. So you decide to recommend it to a friend so you can ruin their life too. I guess that’s what I’m doing with this article right now.

Olympic gymnast Jonathan Cabot (played by real life Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas) gets recruited by the Special Intelligence Agency for a special mission. The SIA wants Cabot to go to the fictional country of Parmistan to compete in the Game. The Game is a race through an obstacle course in which the contestants must compete against each other and the Parmistanian warriors. Whoever wins gets a wish granted by the Parmistan government. The SIA wants Cabot to win and ask to build a satellite monitoring station for the US. They also tell him that his missing father is really an SIA agent who disappeared trying to accomplish the same mission.

Cabot decides use his gymnast skills and join Team America. Then they have the obligatory training sequences and he also meets the beautiful Princess Rubali of Parmistan. He starts learning how to fight and combines the deadly art of Karate with the graceful homoeroticsm of men’s gymnastics to create his own style: Gymkata. He uses his Gymkata skills to get some smooches from the Princess.

Cabot goes to Parmistan to play the Game, and there’s a lot of fight scenes along the way. Bad fight scenes that show off his Gymkata skills. He flips around and makes sure that his toes are pointed when he kicks people.

In the midst of all the random fights, there’s some stupid subplot about a guy named Zamir who wants to take over Parmistan and marry the Princess. She doesn’t want to do that because her dad is the King, and she loves Cabot for some reason. Zamir runs the Game and that’s not good for Cabot.

The Game begins and eventually Cabot is the only player left. Just as he’s about to get killed by the creepy villagers he gets saved by a Parmistani warrior who turns about to be Cabot’s dad. The reunion is short-lived because Papa Cabot gets shot by an arrow.

Cabot and Zamir have their final showdown. Zamir is defeated. Cabot is the winner and gets himself a Princess girlfriend. And the SIA gets their wish and the film assures us that “In 1985 The First Early Warning Earth Station Was Built In Parmistan For The U.S. Star Wars Defense Program.” Seriously, that’s how the movie ends. It was propaganda the whole time, just a commercial for Reagan’s crazy dream to stop missiles with lasers fired from space stations.

This movie is terrible. The plot is terrible. The acting is terrible. Kurt Thomas looks like a young Jack Bauer with a mullet. But Kiefer Sutherland knows how to act and no one in Gymkata does. Kurt Thomas relies on gymnastics and exaggerated sound effects to knock down bad guys. At one point he fights dozens of angry villagers on a pommel horse. I’m still trying to figure out why the Parmistanis would have a pommel horse in their town square.

This movie sucks. Don’t take my word for it. Watch it for yourself. It’s terrible, but you might like it. It’s so bad it’s good. It’s like Showgirls but with no nudity and worse acting. This might not be the worst movie of all time, but it’s a candidate.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pink Mustaches on Cars

The world hates Americans for a lot of reasons. It used to be for oil consumption and war mongering. Now it’s primarily pink mustaches on cars. Why is this even a trend? Fake mustaches on girls are bad enough, but cars aren’t people. Cars are fucking cars. The only thing they should be wearing is a cool paint color and a coat of wax. Cars are expensive. You have monthly payments to the dealer, you have to pay for insurance, you have to get gas, there’s parking passes and permits and tickets to deal with… and you spend your hard-earned money on fake pink facial hair for its grill? You are a fucking douchebag. Your car looks stupid and you look like an asshole.

Who wants a mustache ride? Not me.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Monkeys Know What’s Up

I can’t blame him. Grapes are way better than cucumbers.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Steroids in Sports

As long as there have been games and sports there has been cheating. Cheating and competition go hand in hand. Anyone who has ever played Monopoly wants to be the banker. Why? To steal money when no one is looking and buy yourself choice properties. So when a professional athlete takes steroids to perform better, it’s understandable. They just want to win. And if they want to sacrifice their balls to do so, I think that’s pretty fair.

An athlete getting caught juicing is like seeing a mouse. When you see one, you can be sure that there’s a lot more. Not every player is taking roids. It’s not as rampant as the Bonds-Canseco-McGwire era. But there are still a lot of juicers; they are just smarter about not getting caught. Except Melky Cabrera. But pitchers are using steroids too. It’s still a level playing field.

Sports are entertainment. There’s drama and elation and characters and storylines to follow. You love your team, but if they don’t go to the championship it won’t ruin your life. You know what’s entertaining? 500 foot home runs. Big tackles. The Expendables 2. Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger take steroids and everyone pats them on the back.

My official opinion on steroids is: WHO THE FUCK CARES? People cheat. It sucks. Get over it. Anything is ok as long as you don’t get caught.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Perpetual Bowls

Have you ever smoked a bowl that just seems to never stop burning? You take a hit, you pass it around, you hit it again, you pass it around again, you’re surprised there’s still a hit left when it’s your turn again, you pass it around another time, then it comes back to you, and it’s still not cashed. Well, congratulations. You’ve just experienced a perpetual bowl. Perpetual bowls are rare, but they happen occasionally. Sometimes the herb is really dense and takes longer to burn. Sometimes someone in your rotation isn’t inhaling (maybe they can’t find the carb, maybe they just can’t hang). Sometimes the Weed Fairy comes and quietly keeps packing the bowl without anyone noticing. If you’re lucky enough to experience a perpetual bowl, take a moment to savor the moment and enjoy it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dogs Like Cabbage

I wonder if he eats brocoli too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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