Monthly Archives: June 2014

Knee Scooter

I kind of want to break my ankle just so I can get one of those spiffy knee scooters (also referred to as knee walkers). They look like a fun way to be crippled. A knee scooter is a scooter with four wheels, a spot to rest your knee on, and they typically have a handlebar equipped with a handbrake as well. They allow you to be mobile when you only have one leg that can actually move. My downstairs neighbor has one right now and I see her scooting down the sidewalk at breakneck speed with her bag of groceries and not a care in the world. I don’t even think she has a leg injury, I think she just wants to cruise around town without being judged.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Titan A.E.

Titan A.E. is an animated sci-fi film set in a future where an alien attack has destroyed Earth and a band of human survivors trying to locate a spaceship called Titan, humanity’s last chance for recovery. The film combines computer graphics and hand-drawn animation and the end result is visually stunning. It was directed by Don Bluth and Gary Goldman (they also directed The Secret of NIMH and Anastasia), and Joss Whedon contributed to the screenplay (so you know that it’s going to be good). It has a pretty impressive voice cast as well, featuring Matt Damon, Bill Pullman, John Leguizamo, Ron Pearlman, Drew Barrymore, Nathan Lane, Janeane Garofalo, Jim Breur, and Tone Loc.

The film begins in the year 3028 when an alien race known as the Drej attack and destroy Earth. Luckily Professor Sam Tucker has been preparing for this, and he’s built a spaceship known as Titan to ensure humanity’s survival. He’s forced to abandon his young son, Cale, on an evacuation ship, and the two go their separate ways. The film then jumps ahead fifteen years, and Cale is working in a salvage yard in space somewhere. Humans are scattered across the galaxy and are considered a lesser species because they have no home of their own anymore.

Cale eventually encounters Captain Joseph Korso, another human and former friend of Cale’s father. Korso reveals that the ring that Cale wears is a genetically encoded map that will lead them to the Titan. Together they could save mankind. Cale joins Korso’s crew, which consists of Akima, his sexy female human pilot and a couple of aliens of various species named Gune, Stith, and Preed. Then it becomes a race to find the Titan before the Drej can catch them and kill them. Of course there are lots of action scenes, a few twists and shocking revelations, and character developments that you saw coming a mile away. But it’s all enjoyable.

This movie bombed when it came out, and I’m not sure why. It was a mix of bad marketing and confusing publicity. It was advertised as a kid’s film, but it’s more of an action-filled sci-fi that happens to be animated. And the animation is gorgeous. It looks and feels unlike any other space fantasy flick that I’ve seen. And the action sequences are nothing short of thrilling. This movie is underappreciated and unrespected but it’s become a cult classic to some, myself included.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Slanted Cup Holders

I went to a baseball game the other day. I saw the Yankees take on the A’s at Oakland Coliseum. I’m not a fan of either team, but I am a fan of baseball and it was my last chance to see Derek Jeter play so I had to go. And I had to buy a beer of course. It’s not a ballgame without a beer. So I bought a ten-dollar pint of Bud Light, made my way to my seat, sat down, and put my beer in the cup holder on the back of the seat in front of me. The cup holder was installed at an angle. It was tilted enough to cause a couple of ounces of liquid gold to slosh down the side of the cup onto the ground. I couldn’t help but scowl. Beer is always precious, but ballpark beer is even more of a commodity. Each drop you spill hurts. You see dollar signs flash in front of your eyes. It’s bad enough to bump into someone and spill a little, but it really sucks when you make it safely back to your seat and the cup holder is the thing responsible for losing your beer. A cup holder is supposed to prevent your drink from spilling. A slanted cup holder defeats the whole point of drink protection. It’s like wearing sunglasses without any lenses. It’s a product that fails at the one thing it’s designed to do. But I’d rather lose my eyesight than lose any beer. Slanted cup holders must be stopped.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Java Monster Mean Bean

Java Monster Mean Bean is an energy drink infused with coffee. Or maybe it’s coffee infused with an energy drink. All I know for sure is that it wakes me up in the morning, it makes me shake, and I think I’m developing a heart murmur. It tastes like iced coffee with cream and an excessive amount of sugar. There is no way that this beverage is beneficial to your health, but I still can’t stop drinking it. I like it. Not as much as Red Bull or a regular cup of coffee, but it’s a nice way to mix things up in the morning. I’m not a big fan of Monster energy drinks, but this one is enjoyable. It’s not as good as a Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso, but it gets the job done.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Seat Hopper

A seat hopper is a person who can’t sit in one spot for more than a few minutes. They are usually creepy old guys on the bus. I saw one the other day. I was on the bus going to work and the bus was about half full so there were plenty of available seats to choose from. An old Asian guy came on, glanced at all of the open seats, and chose the seat right next to me. He saw there for a minute or two, but then he got up at the next stop, moved across the aisle, and sat down next to a young college chick. I wondered if I caused him to move by neglecting to put on deodorant or something, until he got up at the next stop, moved back across the aisle, and sat down to the guy sitting right in front of me. A few stops later he got up and went to a different spot. It was around that time that I realized that he was just a weirdo with a penchant for seat hopping. I watched him move to three more seats before he finally got off. I can only assume that he went to find another bus to sit in more seats. I think that he’s harmless, but he’ll be my top suspect if I ever sit in anything sticky on the bus.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Server Speak

I’ve been a server for longer than I care to admit, and we have a bunch of expressions that I think are commonplace but have little meaning in the real world. I decided to list a few of them so you understand what I mean if I accidently use Server Speak around you.

  1. Cut. This is one of the best words that you can hear on a shift. Cut means that you’re not taking any more tables. It means that your shift is almost over. All you have to do is wait for your current tables to finish up, do your side work, then you can do your paid out, then you can clock out.
  2. Side Work. Side work is all the stuff you have to do when you’re not taking orders, running drinks/food, and handling payments. It’s stocking glasses, refilling the ice wells, changing the soda, emptying the dish pit. It’s all the bitch work that you don’t get tips for.
  3. Paid Out. This is called different things in different places, but it’s all the same thing. It’s when you find out your total sales, add up all your credit card and cash payments, tip out the bussers, food runners, bartenders, and find out how much money you made during that shift.
  4. Walk Out. This is the worst phrase that you want to hear. It’s when a table leaves without paying the bill. You might have to pay the bill out of pocket, you might get a write up, or you might get fired.
  5. 86. This is restaurant code for being out of something. If you run out of bread, it’s 86’ed until they make more. It’s a 68 when they bake more. You can also say 86 if someone dies or gets fired.
  6. In the Weeds or Weeded. Whenever you’re so busy and flustered that you don’t know what to do next, you’re in the weeds or weeded. It happens when one table wants a side of ranch, another table wants another round of drinks, another table needs to order but needs you to explain every item on the menu, and then you get double-sat. You don’t know what to do first, but you know that it should have been done five minutes ago.
  7. Double-Sat, Triple-Sat, Quadruple-Sat, Etc. If you get sat, that means you got one table. You’re double-sat if you get two tables at the same time. Triple-sat is when you get three tables at the same time. Quadruple sat is when you get four tables at the same time. It doesn’t seem like much to take drink orders, appetizer orders, entrée orders, but it gets complicated and stressful when people want to modify the menu, ask for separate checks, and are unsure if they want a regular Coke or a Diet Coke. Each table feels like they are the most important table and they don’t care if you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
  8. Corner. Servers move at a quick pace. Everything is fast tempo. So you shout out “Corner!” whenever you walk around a corner so you don’t smack into someone and break a bunch of plates. It’s a safety thing. And you get weird looks if you accidently blurt it out at the grocery store rounding the aisle.
  9. Behind. Saying Behind!” is like saying “Corner!” It means that you’re walking right behind somebody. That way they don’t bump into you and break more plates. Nobody wants to break plates.
  10. Stiffed. Stiffed is another terrible term, up there with walk out. This is when the customer paid his bill but left you with little to no tip. All you can do is bite your lip until you can go to the break room and vent to your fellow servers about those motherfuckers.
  11. Campers. Campers are people that stay at your table for way too long. They might pay their bill and linger for another hour before leaving. They might sit in a booth for thirty minutes without ordering because they are waiting for a friend. The worst is when they only order a coffee and ask for the Wi-Fi password while busting out their iPad. They don’t seem to realize that they are taking up real estate and costing you money. It’s all about the turn and burn.
  12. Turn and Burn. Turning and burning tables is how a good server makes money. You want to greet a table and get their drink and food orders as fast as possible so that their drinks and food comes out as fast as possible so that they leaves as fast as possible so that you get a new table to make more money off of. You want to be fast and efficient without rushing your guests though. They won’t tip you if they feel like you don’t want them there.
  13. Table Snatcher. A table snatcher is a fellow server that takes a table in your section and feigns ignorance. They stole your table, they stole your tip, they stole your money. They are scum, they are low, and they are worse than any customer ever could be because you have to work with them all the time. And you feel violated because you trusted them like they are family.
  14. Family. Your coworkers are your family if you work in a restaurant. They are the people that you see 6 days a week. They see you at your best, they see you at your worst, but they love you and you love them. Not to mention the fact that you spend every practically every single weekend and major holiday together. They know your pain and they know how you feel after a double better than anyone else.
  15. Dead. Dead is almost always a bad thing to hear, but it’s a godsend to a starving server. Dead food is something that’s unsellable but otherwise unharmed. It happens when a server rings in the wrong item or forgets to modify it, when a customer changes or cancels their order, or if a cook makes the wrong thing. I’m going to notice a delicious New York Strip that’s been left neglected under the heat lamp. And if it can’t go out to a table, it might as well go into my belly.

Those are just a few words and phrases of Server Speak. I’m sure that I’ll think of more or that you guys will point out ones that I missed, so stay tuned for a potential Server Speak Sequel.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Blog

Blog is short for web log, and it’s basically an online journal or discussion written by an individual or a group. A blog can be a noun or a verb. This site is a blog. This post is a blog. You’re reading a blog written by a blogger about blogs and blogging right now. I personally don’t like the term. I prefer to think of myself as a writer, not a blogger. I want my posts to be considered articles, not blogs. I feel that blog demeans what I have to say. It cheapens it. It’s less likely to be taken seriously. You can quote articles to win arguments, but you can’t refer to blogs to win a bet. I don’t like the term, but I have to accept it because that’s what I do and that’s what it is. I’ll admit that I’m a blogger because I blog on my blog if you admit that I’m a writer because I have to write the blog that I blog on my blog.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Approaching a Celebrity

You’re walking down a crowded city sidewalk when a familiar face passes you by. It takes you a moment to realize that it’s not somebody that you know personally, it’s a celebrity. It’s somebody famous. And this is your only chance to say something to that celebrity so you have to say something. But what do you say? Approaching a celebrity is a real life scenario that they never prepare you for in school. There is no set etiquette other than don’t grope them and don’t stalk them. Most of the time when you see a celebrity you don’t do make an attempt to meet them, you just mention that you saw so-and-so at such-and-such to your friends later. But sometimes you come across a celebrity that was in your favorite TV show, movie, or who plays for your favorite team and you have to say something to them because they truly inspire you and this might be your only chance to say something to them. Start by saying their name so that they know that you know who they are and that you’re not confusing them with somebody else (Samuel L. Jackson is not Laurence Fishburne, Bill Pullman is not Bill Paxton). Then say that you’re a big fan of whatever they did for whatever reason. Then ask them what you wanted to ask them. Extend your hand if you want a handshake. Take out your camera if you want a picture. Take out a pen if you want an autograph. Get to the point. And don’t take it personally if they dismiss you. The more famous the celebrity, the more people approach them and the less likely they will humor you. Don’t get butthurt if they ignore you or snub you. Just don’t be a creeper.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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That Person You Simply Can’t Stand

No matter who you are or where you come from, you’re bound to know somebody that you hate with a passion for no particular reason. They might not even know that you two are enemies. They didn’t do anything to earn your wrath, but you can’t stand to be in the same room as them. They rub you the wrong way. Everything they do annoys you. Everything they say bugs you. They irk you to no avail. They make you sick and you don’t have to know why. It’s just the way it is. You don’t know enough people if you don’t know a person you simply can’t stand. All you can do is feign civility when you see them… then talk smack behind their back. That’ll show ‘em.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tootsie Roll

A Tootsie Roll is a piece of candy that is similar in texture to taffy or caramel, but they claim that it’s chocolate flavored. I’m not sure if I believe them. It doesn’t taste like chocolate. It tastes like the stale memories of Halloweens long since passed. A Tootsie Roll is hard yet chewy, and they taste best when you let them soften up in your pocket for a while. The recipe for Tootsie Rolls involves using part of the batch of Tootsies from the previous day. So theoretically the Tootsie Roll you’re currently eating could contain trace remnants from the first Tootsie Roll ever made. It certainly tastes like it, doesn’t it? The weirdest thing about Tootsie Rolls is that they can’t agree to a uniform size. The short stubby ones are the ones you’re probably most familiar with, followed by the long skinny ones, and then the long fat ones. They all taste the same; they are just different sizes and shapes. I don’t like that. Make up your damn mind.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Looking For Parking

I live in a city where you don’t need a car to get around. Driving a car in my city becomes a hassle. You have to deal with traffic, street cleaning, vandals, tickets, and looking for parking. Looking for parking is the worst thing about driving in the city. It only takes ten minutes to drive from Point A to Point B, but you’ll spend twenty minutes creeping up and down side streets and alleyways at seven miles per hour trying to find a spot. You finally find a spot and park, and only then will you notice that the curb is painted red and you’re right next to a fire hydrant. Or you can only park there on the second Wednesday of each month. Or you have to have a Residential Permit to park there. So you scream and bash your head into the steering wheel out of frustration and continue on your quest in search of parking. Another twenty minutes go by until you finally give up and pay twenty bucks to park it in a lot somewhere. Fuck that. Next time you’ll just take the bus.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bitch Slap

You’re in a heated argument and the other guy crosses the line and insults your mother. You love your mother and you have to let him know that. So you bitch slap him. That’s when you smack him in the face with your palm with the all the power and force of a punch behind it. It doesn’t have to be a form of domestic violence and it shouldn’t be. It should be the step before fists start flying and actual punches are being thrown. It’s like the precursor to a real fight, but it’s more of a physical insult. It’s soul-crushing. It’s demeaning, You don’t want to be the one being bitch slapped. You want to be the bitch slapper. But be wary of assault charges because that’s an actual possibility. Be careful who you’re bitch slapping. Ideally you’re only witnessing the bitch slap because that is pure entertainment. I’m not condoning violence, just bitch slaps. And don’t take this article seriously, it’s just filler material. I got to write about something. Thanks for reading it though.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting On the Wrong Bus

Nothing gets your blood pumping quite like realizing that you got on the wrong bus. It usually happens when you’re walking to an unfamiliar stop and you see a bus approaching. You’ll run over in a panic and jump on, pay the fare, and find a seat, relieved that you caught it in the nick of time. You start to relax and gather your breath. You settle in and bust out your phone to check your email and read the news. Then you glance out the window and notice that the scenery is unfamiliar. Then you see a street name and you know that you’re fucked. You got on the wrong bus. It all goes downhill from here. Now you’re going to be late to work and you’re going to be pissed off when you finally get there. All you can do is learn from your stupidity and make sure you don’t get on the wrong bus again. Now you just have to make sure that you’re going in the right direction.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Denim Jacket

A denim jacket (sometimes called a jean jacket) is a jacket made from denim. It’s an integral part of a Canadian tuxedo. There was a time when denim jackets were perfectly acceptable, but that time has passed. Denim jackets are kind of like poodle skirts. They were cool. Once. A long time ago. They were a fad. You shouldn’t still be wearing them. You should only wear them on special occasions, like on ‘80s nights and at costume parties. I’m not going to mock you if you choose to wear a denim jacket in your everyday life. At least not to your face. It’s way more fun to talk shit about you behind your back.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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“Hangover” by PSY featuring Snoop Dogg

PSY is the South Korean K-pop powerhouse that brought you “Gangnam Style” and “Gentleman”. He’s got a new YouTube music video out now called “Hangover” and it’s pretty terrible. It’s really terrible in fact. This song is a hangover. It makes you sick. It makes you nauseous. It makes you regret everything that you did that’s lead up to this point. It has an awful beat, lazy auto-tuning, and a bored Snoop Dogg mumbling his way through horrible lyrics. Snoop Dogg (or is still Snoop Lion?) spends a lot of time talking about smoking weed for a song that’s supposed to about a hangover. And how do South Koreans feel about weed anyway? Do they even smoke it over there? The video is mostly PSY and Snoop running around drinking and causing trouble wherever they go. They seem to be attempting to pull off the chemistry between Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour, but it’s way too forced. It’s a bad song, it’s a bad video, and it’s time to say goodbye to PSY. His fifteen minutes of fame are up and he’s no longer relevant. I don’t want to hear from him again unless he’s doing a duet with William Hung and covering Chocolate Rain.” Avoid watching this video if you can.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Opening Your Mouth Too Early At The Dentist

It’s time for your biannual dental checkup and you’re waiting in the reception room. The assistant calls your name and guides you into a small room with a chair. You climb into the chair, and then she puts a little bib on you and lowers the back of the chair. You settle into position as she readies all the tools and bits of torture for the dentist to use. Once she is all prepped, she leaves the room and tells you that the dentist will be right with you. You wait in awkward silence for a few minutes, alternating between fumbling with your phone and watching an unfamiliar daytime talk show with poorly typed closed captioning. At long last the dentist enters and asks how you’re doing as he looks over your records. He finally comes over and stands by your chair, and you automatically open your mouth. You realize a second later that he’s not ready to start and that your mouth is gaping for no reason. Opening your mouth too early at the dentist is a reflex. And it makes you feel stupid because your mouth instinctively gapes open whenever he gets close. It’s uncontrollable. It makes it impossible to hold a conversation with him. It’s hard to talk with your mouth wide open.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fresh Ground Pepper

Fresh ground pepper is a great seasoning for practically any food. It makes almost any dish taste better. It definitely makes it more classy. And it’s a great way to improve the flavor without insulting the chef. It goes well on pastas, salads, and meats. I wouldn’t recommend it for fruit salads though. I’ve even enjoyed a pint of Stella Artois with a little fresh ground pepper sprinkled on top. It gives the beer a subtle kick. Fresh ground pepper is like Sriracha or bacon, it makes everything better. But fresh ground pepper might be the reigning flavor enhancer because Sriracha and bacon would taste better with a little fresh ground pepper. Then again, Sriracha and bacon would also make fresh ground pepper taste better. I don’t know what to think now. My taste buds are too conflicted.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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