Monthly Archives: April 2013

April 13, 2013 · 10:45 am

Ugly Couple PDA

I was on the train going to work yesterday and the couple sitting in front of me could not keep their hands off each other. He kept pulling her hair back and kissing her neck, he was constantly rubbing her back or grabbing her knee, they were getting pretty hot and heavy, and I was started to feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t because of their Public Display of Affection; it was because they were an ugly couple. They were both disgustingly repulsive-looking human beings. I don’t even want to look at one ugly person, much less see two ugly people sucking each other’s face. I have nothing against PDA per se, provided that the persons doing the PDA are pretty and pleasant to look at. Ugly couple PDA is never acceptable. Pretty people can do whatever they want.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 13, 2013 · 10:38 am

Karaoke

Karaoke is an ancient Japanese word that means amateur singing fueled by alcohol. It’s a great way to embarrass yourself or delude yourself into thinking you’re a rock star. You go into a karaoke bar, you choose a random song, the DJ calls your name, the music starts, the lyrics show up on a TV screen, and you stumble your way through it. People either cheer you or jeer you. You should be too fucked up to know either way. You have to choose a song that you know all the words to and something that’s fun to sing… that’s why you hear so many songs by Journey and Queen. It’s not karaoke until someone belts out Don’t Stop Believin’ or Bohemian Rhapsody. Some people take karaoke way too seriously. Those people are losers. Karaoke is supposed to be fun and freeing, like singing in the shower (only fully clothed and less damp). You haven’t truly lived until you’ve sung a song in front of a group of strangers. Get on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2013 · 9:55 am

A Fat Girl in a Cookie Monster Shirt

The other day I saw a chubby girl walking down the street with her mom. She looked like she was about 8 or 9 years old and she was wearing a blue shirt. I didn’t think much of it until they got closer and I realized that she was wearing a Cookie Monster T-shirt. That probably wasn’t a good wardrobe choice for a chubster. A fat girl in a Cookie Monster shirt is kind of sad. I blame her parents for getting her fat and getting her that shirt. I bet they got it for her birthday.

Her Mom: “What should we get for Kelly’s birthday?”

Her Dad: “I don’t know. She likes cookies.”

Her Mom: “Perfect, let’s get her some cookies and a Cookie Monster shirt.”

Her Dad: “Great idea, honey.”

Everyone Else: “I think she’s a cookie monster.”

If you wonder why the rest of the world hates Americans, it probably has something to do with fat kids wearing T-shirts that celebrate their obesity.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2013 · 9:51 am

Rold Gold Pretzel Tiny Twists

Pretzels are an underrated snack food. It seems like potato chips get all the attention. Rold Gold Tiny Twists are the basic bite-sized pretzels that you grew up with. They are salty and delicious. They make a great drinking food. They aren’t greasy and won’t leave any residue on your fingers. You can pop them into your mouth by the handful or you can break one up into smaller pieces and take your time eating it. And the salty flavor makes you want to drink more. And any excuse to drink more is ok with me.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2013 · 10:06 am

California Baseball Teams

Baseball is America’s pastime and California is America’s best state. I’m not being biased, I’m being factual. There are only thirty clubs in Major League Baseball and five of them are based in California. We have two expansion teams and three of the most storied teams in the MLB. The Oakland Athletics have been an American League team since 1901. They’ve played in Philadelphia, moved to Kansas City, then came to the Bay Area. They have won 9 World Series titles: 5 in Philly and 4 in Oakland. The LA Dodgers and SF Giants are both National League teams with roots in New York City, and they are one of the best rivalries in baseball. The Giants and Dodgers both have roots going back to 1883.  The Dodgers have 6 World Series titles, and the Giants have 7 (and are the reigning World Series Champions for the second time in three years). The Angels were an expansion team in 1961. They currently have one World Series title and right now they have one of the most formidable lineups in baseball.

            The Giants and the Dodgers have been rivals since the NYC days. The Giants and the A’s have a mostly friendly rivalry, but there’s some tension because A’s swept the Giants in the Battle of the Bay in the ’89 World Series. The Angles also beat the Giants in the 2002 World Series and bitter feelings still linger in San Francisco (we were five outs away, then they had to bust out the damn Rally Monkey). The Dodgers and the A’s have a rivalry because they are both competing for the love of LA.

And then there’s the San Diego Padres. They are the little brother of MLB teams in California. They have no World Series Titles and no real rivalry with any other California team because they’ve never really been a contender. They have 2 NL Pennants that they can raise, but you’re not a team until you have a ring. They have a nice stadium. That’s about it.

            The era of the East Coast Bias is long gone. It’s all about the West now. And you have a lot of options for choosing a baseball team in the Golden State. Do you support the NL or the AL? Northern California or Southern California? Do you like winners or losers? No matter what, there’s a team for you. But if I were you, I’d go with the Giants. Can’t go wrong with the best.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2013 · 10:00 am

Wet Willy

A Wet Willy is when you lick your finger and stick it in someone’s ear. It’s an awesome prank… if you are 9-years-old. Once you hit double digits it’s time to retire that shit. First off you shouldn’t do shit to other people that you wouldn’t appreciate if you’re on the receiving end of it. Giving someone a Wet Willy is essentially spitting in their ear. Don’t give someone a Wet Willy if you don’t want a loogie on your face. And if have the balls to give someone a Wet Willy, then you should man up and admit it. Don’t lie and say you didn’t lick your finger, that it was just water the whole time. Just embrace the fact that you’re an asshole and confess. Don’t pretend that your victim is cool with your bodily fluids in their orifices and accept responsibility for the shit that you do. If that seems like too much of hassle, then you should avoid giving out Wet Willies, it’s a simple as that. And yes, I was the victim of a Wet Willy today.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 10, 2013 · 9:56 am

Cumsniffer

I like to insult people and I like to be original while I’m doing it. My new insult of choice is to call people a cumsniffer. I think it’s a tremendous juxtaposition with a nice balance and pleasant ring to it. And it’s simply delightful to say. Try it. Cumsniffer. It rolls off the tongue. It’s pretty versatile because it’s so vague. Does it mean that you snort semen or did you just catch a whiff of jizz? Next time someone is verbally attacking you, respond with this clever comeback and watch them shut the fuck up. They can’t talk shit if their jaw is dropped. Cumsniffer is interchangeable with motherfucker. For more emphasis you can call someone a shit-eating cumsniffer, or perhaps a titty-fucking cumsniffer if you really want to confuse them.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 10, 2013 · 9:53 am

4:19

4:19 is a great time for a stoner. It means you still have time to get ready. If you glance at the clock and it’s already 4:20 there’s no way you can get set up in time. By the time you spark the bowl it’s 4:21 and your window of diplomatic immunity has closed. 4:19 is a minute away from the main event. It’s like Christmas Eve and 4:20 is like Christmas but better because it happens everyday. 4:19 means you’re approaching your favorite time of the day. Anticipation makes everything more exciting, and you won’t appreciate it if you aren’t looking forward to it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2013 · 8:22 am

Buying a Round

Work sucked today, but at last your shift is over and you can finally retreat to the closest dive bar with some coworkers. You know that it’s going to take a few drinks to start recuperating, and you’ll show your commitment to the group by buying a round. Buying a round is like an informal contract for the group. If somebody buys a round, it’s only right to return the favor. Then somebody else has to buy the next round, and somebody else gets the round after that, and the cycle continues until closing time or when people start passing out. Drinking is a social lubricant and buying a round is like K-Y Jelly.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2013 · 8:20 am

Leatherman

Pocketknives are like tiny portable tool kits that fit in your pocket. They are essential for camping and outdoor activities, but they are just as practical in urban settings. There are two major rivals in the pocketknife industry: Swiss Army knives and Leatherman multitools. Swiss Army knives are the iconic multitool and they dominate the market. Everyone has had a Swiss Army knife at some point, but it’s a beginner’s knife. When you’re playing around with toys and want the real thing, you graduate to a Leatherman. Leatherman makes heavy-duty multitools with more practical features. They have better pliers, sharper scissors, and sharper knives that actually lock in place. Tim Leatherman (that’s his real fucking name) was a guy who was sick of all the shitty pocketknives on the market, so he made his own. Now he owns 55% of the US market. A Swiss Army knife is just a gadget, a novelty. A Leatherman is a real tool, something you can use every day and rely on. It’s more reliable than your mom, and I use her everyday too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2013 · 9:44 am

Selfies

I have a friend on Facebook who has a minor obsession with taking selfies. She’s kind of attractive but nobody would call her stunning. But she thinks she’s the shit and she feels compelled to share her beauty with the world on a daily basis. She uploads like 2 or three selfies a day. And every picture is the exact same pose with the exact same smile and she’s always in a bathroom. The only things that change are her outfits and the increasing amount of lines on her face. Looking at her Facebook pictures is like looking at a flipbook that showcases how haggard she’s become. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional selfie, but some chicks go way overboard. Point the camera in the opposite direction. The whole point of photography is to share what you see. Stop looking at yourself and start looking at the world.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2013 · 9:41 am

Breaking a Glass Bottle

There is something so satisfactory about breaking a glass bottle. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I enjoy the sound it makes as it shatters into a thousand pieces. It sounds like music to my ears. You feel powerful you throw a bottle against the wall or at the ground. You feel like you are in control. It’s like a high. Chucking a beer can doesn’t compare to smashing a bottle on cement. I had a habit of breaking bottles in my college years. I just felt like it wasn’t a party until shit got rowdy. I’ve kind of matured since then. I still love the sound of shattering glass, but I’m usually not the one doing the damage. I still like breaking bottles but I don’t like dealing with the broken glass. If I could get the same sensation without the mess, I’d be a happy camper.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2013 · 9:25 am

Bubble Wrap

Bubble wrap might be a mere packaging product for some boring people, but it’s utter bliss for most of the population. I make a direct beeline whenever I see those little plastic bubbles in a UPS box from across the room. I’ll just pick it up and start squeezing. If I’m feeling particularly rambunctious I might spread it out on the floor and stomp on it. I’ll pop each and every last bubble on the sheet and then look for some more. It therapeutic beyond description. If you hear someone else popping bubble wrap you can’t help but join in. It’s like stomping in puddles. You’re suddenly young again. There is such a thing as bad bubble wrap. It might protect and cushion a fragile object in transit, but it won’t make an audible pop when you pop it. And if it doesn’t pop right than it’s not the real deal. Accept no substitutes. Burst the real wrap or bust.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2013 · 9:23 am

Saying a Professional Athlete Sucks

If you go to any sporting event you’ll eventually hear some loudmouth fan taunting the opposing team or a rival player by saying that they suck. They don’t suck. You know who sucks? You suck. You’re the one sitting on your ass in the stands because you’re not good enough to compete on the field. Saying that the Yankees suck or that Matt Kemp sucks just proves how ignorant you are. Any professional player or sports team is a contender. They get paid to play a game because they are good at it. You can’t say that they suck. Besides, that’s such a cliché insult that it doesn’t even phase them. It’s unimaginative, it’s dull, and you’re better than that. If you really want to mess with a player’s psyche you need to do some research on their personal life and yell out vague threats against his kids and family. It works really well if you know their names and where they go to school. He can’t catch a fly ball if he thinks his kid is in danger.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 6, 2013 · 8:29 am

The San Francisco Giants

The San Francisco Giants are the best team in baseball. The Yankees might have won more World Series, but the Giants have won more games. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it’s a fact. Look it up. They have more wins than any North American sports team. That includes football, basketball, soccer, and hockey. The most winning team in the USA ever. And we won two out of the last three championships. That makes us a dynasty.

Right now we have some of the best players out there. We have Buster Posey, former Rookie of the Year and reigning National League MVP, and we have him for 9 more years. People don’t give enough respect to Pablo Sandoval. Yeah, he’s a fatty but he also hit three homeruns in a World Series Game, can hit from both sides of the plate, and makes spectacular plays at third base. We have quite possibly the best pitching rotation in the majors. Our worst starting pitcher has 2 Cy Young Awards. Our best pitcher has achieved perfection. We have three of the best announcers in baseball. Jon Miller is in the Hall of Fame. And Kruk and Kuip are two broadcasters that are as beloved as anyone on the field. Dave Flemming is growing on me. Very slowly, but he’s still growing on me.

We have two of the best players of all time. Barry Bonds is controversial because he was roided out in an era when everyone was roided out. Most people choose to ignore that he was a 40-40 player before he started using, and was perhaps the most dominate player of any generation. Some people might say that Babe Ruth is the Greatest Of All Time because he was the best hitter and a brilliant pitcher. Whatever, he never played against black people or Latinos and white people suck at sports. We also had Willie Mays. He is the leading candidate for being the best player ever. He’s certainly the most rounded. He was the ultimate team player with all five tools: he could hit with power, he could hit for average, great defense, a great arm, and a great base runner. Plus he was smart with great instincts. He was born to play baseball.

The Giants are the best team because they are my team. I love them no matter what. I love them when they win, and I love them when they lose. I anguish in each defeat, I revel in each victory. Baseball allows you to connect with the past. You can always compare a player from today with a player from yesterday. It’s why it’s the national pastime. It doesn’t matter who you root for. Your team is your team. But my team just so happens to be the best.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 6, 2013 · 8:25 am

Shameless Season 2

Shameless is a Showtime series that is based on a British show with the same name. It’s about a dysfunctional family trying to survive in the ghetto. William H. Macy stars as the drunken patriarch of the Gallagher family. He spends his days in a stupor and avoiding his kids while mooching off of lonely ladies in the neighborhood. Emmy Rossum plays Fiona, the oldest daughter and the one who runs the house. Season 1 focused primarily on Frank and Fiona, getting to know the rest of the Gallaghers, and introducing a few other people from the neighborhood. Season 2 seems to generally give Lip the big storylines.

Jeremy Allen White plays Phillip “Lip” Gallagher, the oldest son and a reluctant genius. The biggest arc of the season involves his infatuation with his slutty best friend, Karen (Laura Slade Wiggins). She gets engaged and married to a tool even though she’s pregnant with Lip’s baby. Lip tries to get her to break her relationship, he has a major fight with his brother about her, he drops out of school to get a job to support his baby, Fiona kicks him out of the house because he dropped out of school… he just seems to be the driving force in a lot of episodes.

Other Season 2 highlights involve the return of two important women in Frank’s life. His mom Peg (Louise Fletcher) gets released from prison and comes back to make Frank’s life a living hell. And his absentee wife comes home for a while. Chloe Webb plays Monica Gallagher, a bipolar drug addict with a habit of abandoning her family. Her kids resent her, they can’t trust her, and they hate the fact that they can’t help but love her. As terrible as Frank is, she’s a much more destructive influence on the kids. It becomes apparent that Monica is a drug and Frank is addicted. Nothing good can happen when they are together.

Shameless is a great show on a great network. If you like quality entertainment, rich storylines, and well written characters, then you should check it out. You shan’t be disappointed. Plus it has nudity. That’s always nice.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 5, 2013 · 9:23 am

Crust

When it comes to crust, you either love it or hate it. Crust is like the pulp of the bread world. You either like pulp or you don’t, there is no in-between. It’s the same way with crust. You either eat the entire slice of pizza or you leave the crust behind. You either eat the whole slice of bread or you cut the crust off like a little kid. Crust is important. It can make or break a pizza, and it’s the most nutritious part of bread. Crust is good and it’s good for you, most of the time at least. The only exception is if you have crust on your crotch. If you do, you should probably get that checked out.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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