Tag Archives: food

November 21, 2012 · 10:53 am

Twinkies

Everyone is talking about how Hostess is going out of business and what that means for the future of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, and all the other crappy baked goods that you only pretended to enjoy. Who the fuck cares? Twinkies suck. That’s the truth. That’s why Hostess went bankrupt. Because people weren’t buying them anymore. Because they suck. Hostess describes them as “Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling.” I bet you a thousand dollars you had no idea that the processed pastry tube is supposed to be sponge cake. And you had no idea that the creamy filling is supposed to be vanilla flavored. Twinkies are the kind of food that you think you want, so you go to the store and buy some, you open up the package, you take a bite, and you are instantly disappointed. It’s like craving Taco Bell, it’s usually a mistake to give in to the temptation. The only reason to buy a Twinkie is for the nostalgia factor, but you’ll feel like a Ding Dong when you do. Because they suck. Anything your Ho Ho of a mom makes tastes better.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2012 · 10:22 am

Pomegranates

Pomegranates are a delicious and healthy fruit. They look like an orange-reddish bulb.  You peel it open to reveal hundreds of small seeds inside. The small seeds are what you eat, you throw away the rest. A major downside to pomegranates is that it’s a bitch to get the seeds out. You have to cut and peel and pop them out. Pomegranates are a mystery fruit. You can’t tell how good the seeds are until you open it up. There’s nothing worse than seeing a bunch of white kernels or brown rotten seeds. On the other hand, a perfect pomegranate is better than… I don’t know. They are fucking really good though.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Getting a Fork at an Asian Restaurant

You’re hungry and in the mood for some rice and decide to try out that new Chinese place down the street. You get a table, sit down, pour some tea, and glance at the menu. At one point you notice that there isn’t any silverware on the table, just a few pairs of chopsticks. That’s ok because you know how to use chopsticks and want to show off your skills. Your waitress doesn’t think you have what it takes and she brings you a fork. Getting a fork at an Asian restaurant is an insult. It’s insulting for them to bring you one without you asking for one. That means they think you suck and aren’t cultured. It’s also insulting if you ask for a fork. I know that eating with sticks is hard, but you should eat Asian food the Asian way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2012 · 10:28 am

Chevys

Chevys is a popular chain restaurant that serves Tex-Mex food. Well, it’s not that popular anymore. They seem to be closing locations down left and right. Either way, Chevys was known primarily for its margaritas, freshly made tortillas, and birthday sombrero hats. If you grew up in the suburbs you were required to go to a Chevys for a birthday party at some point in your life. You might have fond memories of Chevys but if you go into one now you’ll see how depressing they’ve become. Maybe that’s why they’re closing left and right.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 13, 2012 · 9:02 am

Eating Alone at a Restaurant

It’s the middle of the day and it’s time for lunch. You decide that you want to go to a real restaurant because three consecutive lunches at McDonald’s is too much. You invite a few friends or coworkers, but everyone is busy or can’t make it in time. It’s time to swallow your pride and tell the hostess that you only need a table for one. She looks at you like you’re a loser and you feel like one. But your stomach tells you to shut up, sit down, and order something. There’s nothing wrong with dining alone, but you feel awkward and overhearing other people socializing, talking and having fun isn’t helping your self-esteem any. Oh well, at least your fries taste good.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 10, 2012 · 9:19 am

Free Samples at Costco

One of the best things about Costco is the free samples. You walk around Costco and get rewarded with bite-sized snacks throughout the store. It’s always a surprise what you will get to try. Sometimes you get bagel dogs, sometimes it’s a type of yogurt, and if you’re lucky you get ice cream or something sweet. The free samples are great, but you start to get greedy. You’ll try to get a second helping of the microwave borscht. Something won’t be quite ready but you’ll linger around pretending not to wait by reading the labels of surrounding products that you’ll never buy. You’ll ask the sample-giver stupid questions, like if it’s gluten-free or low sodium. You don’t give a fuck. They know you don’t give a fuck.

I wonder if anyone has ever brought their own toothpick to Costco… That would be classy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 9, 2012 · 8:57 am

Deciding Where to Eat

You’ve been hanging out with your friends all afternoon and it’s time to eat. You mention that you want some grub and everyone else is in the same boat. Now you have to decide where to eat. This is where it gets tricky. Everyone has an opinion on what to eat and where. You’ll mention Chinese food, but that will get rejected because Steve had Chinese last night. Someone else brings up pizza, but Stephanie had that for lunch. You’ll suggest Chevy’s and that will get shot down because Bruce saw a cockroach the last time he was there. The more people you are hanging out with, the hard it is deciding where to eat. The next time I hang out with people I’m going to bring beef jerky and PowerBars and avoid the hassle.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2012 · 9:59 am

Craving Food and Being Disappointed

Your stomach is growling and it is time to eat. But you can’t settle for just anything. You have a craving for a certain sandwich from a specific spot and nothing else will suffice. You start telling yourself how perfect the sandwich will be, you start hyping it up, and your craving becomes a requirement. You go down to the deli, you order your sandwich and a drink, find a spot to sit, take off the wrapper, and take out your sandwich. You take a picture of it and post it to Facebook. Now you can finally take a bite.

As you take that first bite and start to chew, you realize that something’s wrong. This isn’t the orgasmic experience you were expecting. This sandwich was supposed to change the world, but it just tastes bland. Craving food and being disappointed with it is a letdown. It makes you question your judgment. How can you trust your future cravings? What if you lie to yourself again and you’re stuck with another shitty sandwich?

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 4, 2012 · 10:40 am

Chicken Noodle Soup

It sucks being sick with a cold or flu. You have a fever, you have chills, maybe your nose is stuffed or runny. You just want to stay tucked in bed all day. You have to force yourself to drink hot tea, orange juice, and lots of fluids. The only good part of being sick is eating chicken noodle soup. It could be canned, it could be homemade, it doesn’t matter. You just want chicken noodle soup. It warms you up and makes you feel better if only for a moment. I feel bad for vegetarians with colds, because orange juice isn’t quite as satisfying.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 30, 2012 · 7:53 am

Canadian Bacon (food, not the film)

Canadian bacon is not bacon. I’m not even sure it is really from Canada either. Canadian bacon looks like ham, smells like ham, and it tastes like ham. I’m pretty sure it’s fucking ham. It’s mostly found served as a breakfast item or paired up with pineapple on a pizza.

Canadian bacon is a lie. If you want bacon, you need bacon. A slice of imposter ham is not going to satisfy your achin’ for bacon. And yes, that is a reference to The Lion King.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 23, 2012 · 7:57 am

DiGiorno Frozen Pizza

DiGiorno is one of the pioneers of frozen pizzas. They were one of the first frozen pizzas with a rising crust and a fresh-baked taste. A lot of the inferior brands are bland and taste like cardboard. They have a lot of different types of pizza like 4 Cheese, Pepperoni, Supreme, Thin Crust, and a few others. They also make different sized pies; some big enough for a few people and some are personal pies. DiGiorno has a solid ad campaign. Everyone knows that it’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.

If you’re going to get a frozen pizza, 9 times out of 10 you’re going to get DiGiorno. And if you don’t get it, you’ll regret it and get it the next time. It’s not the best pizza. It’s a good frozen pizza though. If you want good pizza, go to a pizzeria, not the freezer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 22, 2012 · 10:38 am

CornNuts

CornNuts are a crunchy corn snack made from roasted or deep-fried corn kernels. They are fucking tasty too. If you’ve never had them before, it’s recommended that you go with the Original flavor. Corn is good for you. It’s a vegetable, and veggies are healthy. So if you eat cooked and salted corn kernels, you’re doing your body a favor. As far as junk food and snacks go, this is one of the better options. You can’t eat them all the time, and I’m not sure why you’d want to, but CornNuts are all right by me. They really aren’t healthy for you; I’m not advocating a CornNut diet. But they taste good, and that’s good enough.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 4, 2012 · 9:20 am

Bugles

Bugles are a cone shaped corn snack. They are crispy like chips, but are more fun and you can put them on your fingertips and they look like gnome hats. You might have to use your imagination. They don’t fit quite as well as when they did when I was a kid though. Finger foods are fun. They come in a few different flavors but Original is always the best choice. Bugles are good, but there’s no way you can eat them everyday.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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July 27, 2012 · 6:58 am

The Last Table in the Restaurant

I work in the service industry and I’m going to tell you a secret: if you go into a sit-down restaurant five minutes before they close, you are scum. You have pissed off the host, the server, the bartender, the busser, the kitchen, and the closing manager. I know you are hungry and that sucks, but I’m tired and want to go home. Or to the bar. Either way, I don’t want to serve you. The cooks don’t want me to serve you either. They started mentally checking out thirty minutes before closing. The host has to stay an extra forty minutes just to smile and thank you for visiting when you leave. The bartender already yelled last call before you got there, so consider yourself lucky if you can get a drink. The manager can’t leave until the bartender leaves, and the bartender can’t leave until the server leaves, and the server can’t leave until your inconsiderate ass does. If it’s late and you just want a bite to eat, get some fast food. If you want to be an asshole, go to a sit-down restaurant five minutes before close. There’s a special spot in Hell reserved for the last table in the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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July 24, 2012 · 8:34 am

David Dill Pickle Sunflower Seeds

Calling yourself a baseball fan without liking sunflower seeds is like calling yourself a Republican without owning a gun. It’s essential to be part of the club. Sunflower seeds are a great snack, and David brand seeds are the best. They make a few flavors like Original, Ranch, and BBQ, but one of their lesser known flavors is Dill Pickle. It’s kind of weird idea to have something that’s pickle flavored and not a pickle, but it works. It’s a subtle pickle flavor, but it’s definitely there. It might take a few minutes to get used to the flavor and I can’t see anyone outside of pregnant chicks actually craving them, but if you eat seeds and want a little variety, they aren’t bad.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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July 2, 2012 · 9:49 am

Loadbearing Nutella

Nutella is a delicious chocolate hazelnut spread. It’s great on crepes and on waffles and for supporting broken refrigerator shelves. There’s a broken shelf in my fridge that can’t support any weight. I had a brilliant MacGyver moment and grabbed a jar of Nutella to hold up the shelf. Loadbearing Nutella is delicious and practical, and works best when teamed up with a neglected can of salmon.

Critically Rated at 9/17

loadbearing nutella

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June 11, 2012 · 7:21 am

Corn Dogs

Corn dogs are my personal favorite deep-fried food on a stick. I think that a lot of people are with me on this one. Hot dogs are good, cornbread is good, combine the two and shove a stick in it, add some mustard and you are good to go. Some people don’t like corn dogs. Some people had a shitty childhood. Corn dogs remind me of carnivals and fairs and summertime. Comfort food is good. Comfort food on a stick is even better.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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