criticallyrated | Critically rated rants and reviews | Page 93

April 20, 2013 · 9:22 am

Triscuit Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil

I like Triscuit Crackers more than saltines or Ritz Crackers. I think they are more filling, have a satisfying crunch, and they go better with cheese and salami. I usually get the regular flavor but the store was out so I settled for the Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil flavor. I bought it, took it home, opened it up, and popped one in my mouth. And then I remembered why I only get the regular flavored Triscuits. A cracker is like a slice of bread. It’s just the base layer for cheese, meat, veggies, a sauce or a dip. It’s supposed to be bland. It enhances by adding texture. It’s supposed to be a supporting role, a guest star. It’s not supposed to steal the show. But the Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil is too overwhelming, it’s too noticeable. They need to tone down the flavor and make it more subtle. Less is more (that’s what he said).

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cracked pepper, cracked pepper & olive oil, olive oil, olive oil flavor, ritz crackers, triscuit, triscuit crackers, triscuits

April 19, 2013 · 10:39 am

The Pedestrian Shuffle

I was strolling down the street and saw a little old lady shuffling towards me in the opposite direction. She was about fifty feet away and we were on a collision course. I solved the problem by moving closer to the street, creating a clear path for myself and leaving her enough space to keep moving forward without obstruction. She finally glanced up and saw me, then she proceeded to awkwardly shuffle into my path. All she had to do was continue walking in a straight line. But her natural response was to stumble into the line of fire. Come on, lady. You’re old, you should have learned how to walk by now. I’ll get out of your way again, but this is the last time. Pick a path and stick to it, avoid the pedestrian shuffle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as clear path, collision course, little old lady, natural response, path, pedestrian shuffle, sidewalk, walk, walking in a straight line

April 19, 2013 · 10:36 am

Flat Soda

One of the best things about soda is that it’s carbonated. Bubbles are fun. There’s no denying that. They add pop and fizz and make the soda more enjoyable. And that’s why I can’t enjoy a flat soda. I had an opened 2 liter bottle of Coke in the fridge that I ignored for a few days too long. Now there’s no more carbonation. There’s no life to it. It’s still cold so I’ll drink it. But I’m going to grumble and complain and not enjoy it at all. If it was warm I’d pour it out. Warm flat soda tastes like piss. Bubbles are one of the best things about soda and you don’t realize how much they mean to you until they are gone. Bubbles or bust.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bubbles, carbonation, coke, fizz, flat, flat soda, pop, soda

April 18, 2013 · 10:15 am

Rockstar Energy Water – Blueberry Pomegranate Acai

Bottled water is a product that shouldn’t even exist. It’s like canned air or a container of sunlight. But people buy bottled water and they buy it a lot and there is profit to be had. There used to be only a few brands of bottled water, now there are dozens of different brands. Then Vitamin Water came out, and that caused a whole bunch of other companies to come out with their own brands of super water. Thanks to the consumer power of sheep, we now have Rockstar Energy Water. It’s water infused with B vitamins, taurine, and caffeine. There are a few different flavors but I tried the Blueberry Pomegranate Acai. It’s less than 1% juice, with no sugar and no calories. There’s a very slight aftertaste, it’s hardly noticeable but it’s there.

This isn’t water. This is a water-based beverage. I don’t think you can legally call this water anymore. Water is made of hydrogen and oxygen. That’s a pretty short list of ingredients. Rockstar Energy Water has 17 ingredients including magnesium lactate, acesulfame potassium, and pyridoxine hydrochloride. Nothing enhances water like a bunch of random chemicals. There’s no way that this shit is good for you. At least soda doesn’t lie and pretend to be healthy. I think it’s time to put an end to super water.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as acai, b vitamins, blueberry, caffeine, canned air, energy water, pomegranate, rockstar energy water, super water, taurine, water

April 18, 2013 · 10:13 am

Tabs vs. Windows

I consider myself a multitasker. I sit on my ass and have the TV on and my laptop open. I am constantly surfing the net, at any given time I am on at least two or three different websites. And you have two choices when it comes to viewing a new site. You can either open a new tab or open a new window. My buddy Cody is a tab guy. He has Google Chrome on full screen with about fifteen tabs of random shit. He has access to multiple websites, but can only focus on one at a time. I prefer opening a new window because you can be watching Fail videos on one site while reading the news on another. You can check out two sites at once and have Wikipedia or Google waiting on deck. Lately I’ve been listening to the Giants game on the radio while watching the Gameday live updates on the MLB website and simultaneously checking Facebook, my email, and crucial sites like Cracked and Devour. Tabs are nice because you can see all the sites that you have open, but you can only view them one at a time. Windows allow you to scroll the news on one side of your screen with a video playing on the other side, but sometimes a site will get hidden behind another window. You can easily forget about a movie you paused because it gets lost behind the cluster of ADD. Tabs vs. Windows is the greatest bar debate since Tupac vs. Biggie. Choose a side and defend it well.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as add, internet, multitask, new tab, new window, tab, tabs vs windows, technology, window

April 17, 2013 · 10:31 am

Houseplant

A houseplant is a plant that you keep in your house. You provide it with sunlight and water and it gives you fresh oxygen in return. It’s a fair trade. They are decorative and air purifying and relatively easy to maintain. They just need a cup of water every few days and a slight leaf trimming every few months. A house is not a home without a potted plant on the windowsill, preferably a Ficus or a fern. A houseplant is also a good indicator of how responsible you are. If you can’t remember to water your plants, you probably aren’t ready to have a baby. I have a friend who managed to kill a cactus. That’s impressively neglectful. She also works at a daycare center and is in charge of snack time. Life’s funny sometimes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 17, 2013 · 10:29 am

Teas’ Tea Plus Half and Half Green Tea with Grape

Teas’ Tea Plus Half and Half Green Tea with Grape is a green tea beverage with a little grape juice added. They need to shorten the name; it takes longer to say it than it does to drink it. It comes in a 16.9 ounce bottle and each bottle has 100 calories. It’s also caffeinated, which is always a plus. It’s not really “Half and Half” either. That implies it’s half iced tea and half lemonade. This is half green iced tea and half natural grape flavors with other natural flavors. Doesn’t that sound delicious? It’s a kind of healthy drink, it claims to be all natural, there’s not too much added sugar, but it’s nothing spectacular. It’s not bad, there’s just nothing impressive about it. The flavor is kind of dull. It’s a very bland fruit-tea combination. I wouldn’t recommend it, but I wouldn’t bash you if I saw you drinking it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as grape, green tea grape, iced tea, natural flavors, teas tea plus half and half with grape, teas' tea, teas' tea plus. half and half

April 16, 2013 · 10:15 am

The Boston Marathon Bombing

April 15^th, 2013 was the first major terrorist attack in the U.S. since 9/11. We’ve had a few shootings where more people died, but this was a planned and strategic military-precision attack. Those cowards waited to detonate their bombs, deliberately trying to target regular people. They waited for the winners to cross the finish line, they waited until everyone felt safe and happy, and then they took it all away. And once again, we found a way to prevail. There are so many stories of strangers helping strangers. We again found another way to unite in tragedy, and that’s why the terrorists will never win. We choose to remember the heroes rather than the villains. We refuse to let 4/15 become another figure of speech like 9/11. We won’t forget what happened, we can’t forget what happened, and we will honor the fallen by racing again.

Critically Rated, Written, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as attack, boston marathon, boston marathon bombing, terrorism, terrorists

April 16, 2013 · 10:10 am

Wearing Something Straight From the Dryer

Laundry is a chore. You keep putting it off until you have nothing clean to wear and then you have to do it. And while the world is turning and people are having fun, you are stuck staring at a washer and dryer for an hour. But it’s ultimately worth it when the dryer finally buzzes. Not only do you have clean clothes again, but there’s the added perk of wearing something straight from the dryer. A warm shirt on a cold day is like a gentle hug from the cotton gods. And nothing compares to a fresh pair of underwear on your nether regions. It makes you want to do lunges and squats to celebrate. Wearing something straight from the dryer is the best part of laundry day.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as clean, clean clothes, fresh underwear, laundry, laundry day, warm shirt, wearing something straight from the dryer

April 15, 2013 · 10:22 am

Burned Out

It’s the end of the day and I don’t have anything to say. I have nothing clever to say, no clever quips, nothing worth writing about. I am burned out. I spent the last few hours getting drunk and playing volleyball and I’m completely drained. Life is hard. I know I shouldn’t complain, but I have nothing else to write about, so I will just bitch about how I’m too tired to write about anything. My only focus is not making any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. So far, so goo. Damn, I almost had it.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as burned out, clever quips, grammatical errors, lazy, spelling mistakes, writer's block

April 15, 2013 · 10:19 am

The Simpsons Tapped Out Whacking Day Upload

Just when you thought that Tapped Out couldn’t get more addicting, they released the Whacking Day upload. It’s a welcome homage to a classic episode, but there is way too much shit going on. You normally just have to click on stationary objects to get money and XP. Now you have to click on moving targets. That’s way too much hand eye coordination for a casual gamer such as myself. You click on snakes and snake eggs and eventually you unlock more shit. You feel a vague sense of accomplishment when you accomplish a mission, then you get a new assignment and the cycle continues. It’s the same old Tapped Out, but it’s snake related. And you can say you were whacking off on your break without feeling dirty.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as casual gamer, gaming, hand eye coordination, moving targets, snake, snake eggs, snakes, stationary objects, tapped out, the simpsons, whacking day

April 14, 2013 · 9:55 am

Kajacks

I live in San Francisco and rely on public transportation to get around. That means I get to deal with a lot of crazy people. Like batshit insane. The other day a lady got on the train and made her presence known by asking everyone about kajacks. She stood up and said in a high-pitched voice, “Do you know what the kajacks are? I know what a kajack is.” She then proceeded to sing a song about kajacks, first in English and then in French. She sang nonstop for about five minutes and then suddenly stopped and said, “You can have that for free if you want to buy it.” Then she jumped off the train and out of my life. Now I’ll never know what a kajack is or what they do. I’m not sure I want to know. There’s something intriguing about unsolved mysteries. And maybe she wasn’t even crazy. Maybe kajacks do exist and normal people just can’t experience them. Either way I will never forget that crazy bitch and I’ll be quoting her until the day I die. Do you know what the kajacks are? I know what a kajack is…. You can have that for free if you want to buy it. It’s almost like poetry. Just because she’s crazy doesn’t mean she’s not brilliant.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as crazy, insane, kajack, kajacks

April 14, 2013 · 9:52 am

Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry

There’s a new flavor of Gatorade out and it’s pretty exciting. Glacier Cherry is the newest member of the Gatorade Frost family. It has a cool name and a refreshing taste, but the coolest thing about it is the color. It’s white and it’s eye catching. It sticks out like a sore thumb on the display shelves. It’s very noticeable. It almost looks like watered down milk. It has a slightly muted cherry flavor, which is a good thing because you don’t want to chug cherry juice after your workout. It’s not the best flavor of Gatorade, but it’s worth getting if you see it at the store. Just be prepared to talk to random strangers about it. I had a few people come up and ask me where I got it. Nothing breaks the ice like Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cherry flavor, gatorade, gatorade frost, glacier cherry, white

April 13, 2013 · 10:45 am

Ugly Couple PDA

I was on the train going to work yesterday and the couple sitting in front of me could not keep their hands off each other. He kept pulling her hair back and kissing her neck, he was constantly rubbing her back or grabbing her knee, they were getting pretty hot and heavy, and I was started to feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t because of their Public Display of Affection; it was because they were an ugly couple. They were both disgustingly repulsive-looking human beings. I don’t even want to look at one ugly person, much less see two ugly people sucking each other’s face. I have nothing against PDA per se, provided that the persons doing the PDA are pretty and pleasant to look at. Ugly couple PDA is never acceptable. Pretty people can do whatever they want.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as pda, pretty people, public display of affection, ugly, ugly couple, ugly couple pda, ugly person

April 13, 2013 · 10:38 am

Karaoke

Karaoke is an ancient Japanese word that means amateur singing fueled by alcohol. It’s a great way to embarrass yourself or delude yourself into thinking you’re a rock star. You go into a karaoke bar, you choose a random song, the DJ calls your name, the music starts, the lyrics show up on a TV screen, and you stumble your way through it. People either cheer you or jeer you. You should be too fucked up to know either way. You have to choose a song that you know all the words to and something that’s fun to sing… that’s why you hear so many songs by Journey and Queen. It’s not karaoke until someone belts out Don’t Stop Believin’ or Bohemian Rhapsody. Some people take karaoke way too seriously. Those people are losers. Karaoke is supposed to be fun and freeing, like singing in the shower (only fully clothed and less damp). You haven’t truly lived until you’ve sung a song in front of a group of strangers. Get on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bohemian rhapsody, crowd, entertainment, japanese word, karaoke, karaoke bar, random song, sing, singing, singing in the shower, song

April 12, 2013 · 9:51 am

Rold Gold Pretzel Tiny Twists

Pretzels are an underrated snack food. It seems like potato chips get all the attention. Rold Gold Tiny Twists are the basic bite-sized pretzels that you grew up with. They are salty and delicious. They make a great drinking food. They aren’t greasy and won’t leave any residue on your fingers. You can pop them into your mouth by the handful or you can break one up into smaller pieces and take your time eating it. And the salty flavor makes you want to drink more. And any excuse to drink more is ok with me.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Tagged as knot bread, potato chips, pretzel, pretzels, rold gold, salty flavor, smaller pieces, snack food, tiny twists