November 27, 2012 · 9:50 am

Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Limón

It’s time for some junk food and you’re kind of sick of chips. Cheetos are a nice alternative. There are a few varieties to choose from: Crunchy, Puffs, and they have different flavors as well. Crunchy Flamin’ Hot has been my go-to for a few years, but when I’m feeling a little more adventurous I’ll kick it up a notch and grab the Flamin’ Hot Limón. It has a little more zest. They are spicy enough to make your face sweat and that’s always a good sign. The biggest downside to Flamin’ Hot Limón is that they stain your fingertips red. They should come with a wet nap included in the bag like a Cracker Jack prize.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 26, 2012 · 11:54 am

Your Birthday Time

Other than 4:20, my favorite part of the day is my birthday time. That’s the magical part of the day when the clock displays your birthday. My birthday is April 29 or 4/29, so my birthday time is 4:29. Your birthday time doesn’t mean anything, but it’s nice to see it. We’re all selfish bastards who secretly want to be the center of the universe so we expect some sort of acknowledgement when the clock shows our birthday time.

It sucks for Europeans because they use the 24-hour clock and also put the day before the month. For example, my European birthday would be 29/4 and there is no 29 o’clock. That’s probably another reason why the world hates Americans so much: because we can celebrate our birthday twice a day instead of only once a year. Let me know the next time your birthday time makes an appearance and we’ll give you a toast.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 26, 2012 · 11:50 am

Bottle Openers

You have a bottle of beer that you want to consume. You can either smash the bottle or pop the cap. I suggest the latter. The best way to open the bottle is to use a bottle opener. You just apply it to the cap and pop it off with a little bit of leverage. There are a variety of ways to open a bottle without a bottle opener. You can use a lighter, another beer bottle, a countertop, your teeth (good luck), or a million other ways. Consult the Internet for those options: this article is about bottle openers. They are designed to open bottles. That’s all they are supposed to do and they do it better than anything else. No household or alcoholic is complete without one. I have three.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 25, 2012 · 9:54 am

Grinders

It’s time for a joint or a blunt and someone has to break up the weed. You can cut it up using scissors or break it up with your fingers but they will get all sticky. Grinders are the way to go. They are little cylinders that open up to reveal jagged teeth. You put the buds in between the teeth and twist the top and the bottom. This shreds the weed, making it the perfect filling your rolling paper or blunt wrap. Some of the better grinders have a keif catcher on the bottom. All the extra THC crystals will make their way into there and you can harvest that to make hash. Grinders are for the more committed stoners. If you don’t smoke regularly, you probably don’t need one. You slacker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 25, 2012 · 9:51 am

Folding Chairs

Is a chair still a chair if nobody is sitting in it? Philosophers have debated that question for centuries. One thing they all agree is that an unused chair is useless because nobody is using it. But no one did anything about it until some guy invented folding chairs. Now an empty chair can be folded up and stuck in the closet until the next time you have people over. Folding chairs will never replace stationary chairs, but there’s no denying their practicality. I can’t think of anything witty to say about folding chairs. Ummm, how about this one: folding chairs seem to be the weapon of choice for professional wrestlers. That’s kind of decent. I wish more folding chairs had armrests. People like portable seating, but elbow support is nice too.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 24, 2012 · 10:41 am

Breaking a Bottle of Beer in Your Backpack

I know that this seems like a really random topic, but it just happened to me at the liquor store. I bought a few tall boys and a couple of bottles, paid the cashier, stuffed the beer in my bag, and dropped it and broke the bottle before he even handed me my change. I knew I was fucked as soon as it hit the ground. I could hear my backpack filling up with beer as the other customers just stood around shaking their heads at me. I had to go outside and pour the beer out of my backpack into the sewage drain. Then I came back inside, collected my change, and sheepishly walked out holding my dripping backpack. Then I got to go home and give my backpack a good rinsing in the shower to get rid of the booze smell and pieces of glass. At least my other beers survived because I definitely needed a drink after that. Breaking a bottle of beer in your backpack is not fun. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 24, 2012 · 10:37 am

Cracker Jack

Cracker Jack is a delicious blend of caramel coated popcorn and peanuts with a prize. You can’t forget about the prize. There used to be a cool prize like a magic ring or a whistle, but these days it’s usually a temporary tattoo or a paper cutout of some bullshit. Popcorn and peanuts are awesome by themselves, so when they combine their forces and also get caramelized it’s a delight for your taste buds. You don’t eat Cracker Jack every day. In fact, you forget about it for months at a time. But then baseball season comes back and you stars singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” and you get the sudden urge to buy them. That song is product placement at its best.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 23, 2012 · 10:39 am

Bringing Wine to a Dinner Party

As you get older and more mature, you start to transition from keggers to dinner parties. Once you start going to dinner parties, you can’t show up empty handed. You can bring a dish or a dessert, but you’re better off bringing a bottle of wine. And you’ll be more popular too. People like booze. It’s a social lubricant. Bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party makes you look classy. Bringing a box of wine makes you look like an asshole. Stick with the bottle.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 23, 2012 · 10:33 am

Marissa and Marlena

To anyone named Marissa or Marlena: I’m sorry that I’m about to ruin your name forever. Imagine you have a newborn baby girl, fresh out of the oven. You gotta have a name for her. Marissa seems like such a nice name, a sweet name, and a safe name. Until the day that you realize that “Marissa” backwards is “Assiram”. Ass I Ram. Marlena is another name with an unfortunate reversal. It becomes “Anelram” and that’s pretty close to “Anal Ram.” If you know anyone with a less than desirable reverse name, take advantage of the situation and make them cry. Bullying is fun and acceptable in today’s society.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 22, 2012 · 10:14 am

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving (or Turkey Day as it’s known on Facebook) is a day for Americans to sit around a table with family and friends and get even fatter. Americans already have more food each day than half the world, but Thanksgiving really lets us show off our gluttony. The average Thanksgiving feast is pretty extravagant: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, rolls, some sort of salad, cranberries, pumpkin pie, wine for the adults, sparkling cider for the kids, and leftovers for days. There are starving kids in China and we complain about being in a food coma.

Pretending to be thankful is the way that we justify eating a week’s worth of food during one meal. You hold hands and give thanks for the food, for another year together, for a roof over your head, for a new Star Wars trilogy. You’re not really grateful. You take that shit for granted. But that’s ok. We’re Americans. We are supposed to be assholes. That’s why the world hates us. It doesn’t matter though, the turkey tastes delicious.

Thanksgiving is one of the last real holidays. The candy companies and greeting card companies haven’t found a way to exploit it yet. I’m actually thankful for that. Despite my cynicism, Thanksgiving is usually one of my favorite Thursdays of the year.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 22, 2012 · 10:10 am

Spider on the Wall

I’m not arachnophobic or anything, but that spider on the wall has got to go. He’s slowly creeping along, acting like he owns the place. This is my room and you are not welcome here. You’re always making spider webs in the ceiling corners and in my closet. I don’t even know how one spider can make so many webs. So fuck you, spider on the wall. I could trap you with a cup and a piece of paper and set you free outside, but I prefer squishing you with a piece of toilet paper and leaving your guts smeared on my wall as a warning to your eight legged brethren.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2012 · 10:53 am

Twinkies

Everyone is talking about how Hostess is going out of business and what that means for the future of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, and all the other crappy baked goods that you only pretended to enjoy. Who the fuck cares? Twinkies suck. That’s the truth. That’s why Hostess went bankrupt. Because people weren’t buying them anymore. Because they suck. Hostess describes them as “Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling.” I bet you a thousand dollars you had no idea that the processed pastry tube is supposed to be sponge cake. And you had no idea that the creamy filling is supposed to be vanilla flavored. Twinkies are the kind of food that you think you want, so you go to the store and buy some, you open up the package, you take a bite, and you are instantly disappointed. It’s like craving Taco Bell, it’s usually a mistake to give in to the temptation. The only reason to buy a Twinkie is for the nostalgia factor, but you’ll feel like a Ding Dong when you do. Because they suck. Anything your Ho Ho of a mom makes tastes better.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2012 · 10:48 am

Rereading a Book

I still read books despite the Internet’s many distractions. And when I finish a good book, I’ll usually reread it as soon as I’m done. I mentioned that to a friend and he looked at me like I’m an alien. He never reread a book in his life. If he read it once, he’s already read it, so what’s the point of reading it again? You read it again because you like the story. You read it again to see character development and to spot clues and themes and symbolism. You watch a movie again if you like it. You listen to a song again if you like it. The more you like something, the more you want to experience it. Rereading a book should be no exception.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2012 · 9:50 am

The Sandman: Fables & Reflections

The sixth volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman is a collection of short single-issue stories. Most of them have no bearing on the overall story arc, but a few of them are required reading. It’s an interesting blend of characters. There are werewolves, characters from the Bible and Greek myths, and real historical characters like Marco Polo and Emperor Augustus Caesar. Somehow they all have a place in the Sandman universe.

            Of the nine short stories, only The Song of Orpheus and The Parliament of Rooks affect the overall plot. Orpheus is the son of Morpheus. Currently he’s a severed head. In the Song of Orpheus you find out how he got all decapitated. The Parliament of Rooks involves Daniel Hall, who ends up being very important in the series.

The other stories involving Marco Polo, Lady Johanna Constantine, a family of werewolves, and a Roman emperor with a dark secret are all impressive in their own way, but the highlights of Fables & Reflections are Ramadan and Three Septembers and a January. Ramadan is about Caliph Harun al-Rashid, a real historical ruler of Baghdad. His city is the greatest city the world has ever known and he wants it to be remembered that way. He makes a deal with Morpheus and his perfect city becomes immortalized by becoming a legend.

Three Septembers and a January is one of my favorite Sandman stories. It’s one of my favorite stories period. It involves another actual historical figure: Joshua Abraham Norton. He’s in the history books for being a crazy guy who declared himself Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. He lived in San Francisco, the only city in the world that was nice enough to say that he could be Emperor if he wanted to be Emperor. Neil Gaiman takes real facts about Emperor Norton’s life and twists them to fit seamlessly into the world of The Sandman.

            Fables & Reflections is a good read. The independent shorts are interesting and relate thematically to the storylines, even though they don’t affect them directly. Three Septembers and a January stands out and is reason enough to start reading the series. I might be slightly biased because I live in San Francisco, but it’s a great story regardless.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2012 · 9:40 am

Hitting Every Green Light

There’s a magical time downtown each night where there are no cars on the road and every single intersection is just for you. You start driving down the street at the perfect speed, each red light dissolving away as you approach. You’re hitting every green light. Your brakes could be cut and it wouldn’t matter because there’s no stopping you. This is what it feels like to be at the center of the universe. Hitting every green light is an urban miracle, proof that the traffic gods do exist.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Dueling Banjos

The next time you’re with a group of people and there’s an awkward silence, you can relieve the tension by slowing singing the first few bars of Dueling Banjos. Your friends might stare blankly at you at first, but sing the bars again. A light bulb will go off in someone’s head and they will sing the next bit. Then you repeat your part a little bit faster, and he does his part faster, then you go, then he goes. Everyone will start square dancing rowdily within a minute. Yee-haw. I realize that this isn’t really a review, but randomly singing Dueling Banjos is fun and I recommend you try it out during a lapse in conversation during your Thanksgiving feast.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2012 · 12:02 pm

Sitting Next to an Arguing Couple

Everyone has been forced to listen to a couple arguing in public at some point. It’s pretty much inevitable. Most of the time you can simply walk away or turn up your headphones louder. Sometimes there’s no escape, like if you’re unfortunate enough to be trapped at a restaurant. Sitting next to an arguing couple is unbearable and uncomfortable. Something about arguing couples makes you revert to being a little kid listening to your parents scream at each other. I’d rather see some hardcore PDA instead.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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