Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

September 23, 2013 · 12:35 pm

Life Savers

It’s hard not to write about a fruity candy that you orally insert and suck on without sounding a little gay, but I will try. Life Savers are a brand of ring-shaped candies. They make hard candies and they also make gummies. This article is about the fruit Life Savers, the familiar five-flavored hard candy roll that you grew up with. The five flavors are Cherry, Raspberry, Watermelon, Orange, and Pineapple. If that sounds delicious, it’s because they are. Cherry is the best flavor of the bunch, but the rest are also good. If you’re still reading this, good for you because I’m going to tell you a secret. The next time you’re smoking a bowl, pop a Life Saver in your mouth and take a hit. You now have candy-flavored smoke and your weed will taste amazing. You’re welcome. Just try not to inhale the Life Saver because you could potentially choke to death. You can still enjoy Life Savers without weed, but I wouldn’t recommend it because weed makes everything better.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 21, 2013 · 9:47 am

Spree (candy)

Spree is a candy that is manufactured by the delightful Willy Wonka. Not the real Wonka, the candy company that owes its entire existence to Roald Dahl. They are brightly colored, semi-fruit-flavored dextrose candies. They taste vaguely like Cherry, Orange, Lemon, Apple, or Grape. There are Original Spree (which you suck on) and there are also Chewy Spree (which you chew on). Just don’t mix them up because you could break a tooth by accident. They really aren’t that good, but I will get them every once in a while simply because I haven’t gotten them in a while. I probably wouldn’t notice if Spree disappeared tomorrow, but I would be kind of sad when I finally noticed a few years later.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 19, 2013 · 6:55 pm

Helados Mexico Fresa

Helados Mexico Fresa is a creamy and fruity premium ice cream bar from south of the border. It’s technically called a paleta, which is a Latin American ice pop made from fresh fruit (strawberry in this case). I don’t have the patience to lick and suck and savor popsicles, so I just bit directly into this one to experience a full blast of flavor. It was decidedly underwhelming in the taste department. I was expecting it to be bursting with strawberry flavor, but it had more of a milky/creamy flavor. I bought it because I thought it would taste like strawberries. It didn’t. I would say it is 70% cream and only 30% strawberries. It’s not bad, but it’s not great and it definitely wasn’t what I expected or wanted it to be. It was kind of disappointing, and you should never be disappointed with your dessert. There are better strawberry popsicles out there (ones that actually taste like strawberries). Nice try Mexico, but your frozen treats aren’t welcome here. We are now only accepting bottles of Coke and Corona.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 15, 2013 · 12:36 pm

Rolo

Rolo is a candy. It has nothing to do with YOLO. Let’s just get that out of the way. A Rolo is a soft chewy caramel covered with milk chocolate. It’s simple, sweet, and delicious. They are packed in a tube, with each bite-sized piece stacked upon each other. It’s not as satisfying as a Snickers bar. You eat one Rolo and you want another one and then another one. It’s good, but you’re never content. That’s how they get you. You just keep popping them into your mouth until they’re all gone. And you don’t really care when they are gone. You should be mad when you run out of candy. But you’re indifferent when you run out of Rolo. They are decent candies, but nobody would ever notice if Rolo was taken off the market tomorrow.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 12, 2013 · 9:53 am

Snickers Peanut Butter Squared

Snickers Peanut Butter Squared is a flavor variant of Snickers, the classic candy bar and food staple of fat kids everywhere. It’s called Snickers Peanut Butter Squared because it’s a Snickers bar with peanut butter added to it and it’s cut up into cubes. If you like peanut butter, peanuts, caramel, and nougat covered in milk chocolate and served in bite sized pieces, this is the candy bar for you. If that doesn’t sound delicious, you should go to Hell and take your fucked up taste buds with you. This is a good candy bar, and I don’t even like chocolate bars that much. I’m more of a Skittles/Starburst/fruit chew kind of guy. But you can’t go wrong with a Snickers bar and peanut butter is always a welcome addition, so you should get your ass to the store and buy some Snickers Peanut Butter Squared today. You should share it too. It’s always nice to share.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 3, 2013 · 5:10 pm

Mint M&M’s

Sometimes you want a mint. Sometimes you want some chocolate. And sometimes you don’t want it to melt in your hands. That’s when you need to get Mint M&M’s. Look for the teal/sea foam colored package with the Sexy Green M&M on the label. It’s kind of creepy that a cartoon candy spokeswoman can be so seductive, but who am I to judge those advertising geniuses? Mint M&M’s are made from dark chocolate as opposed to milk chocolate like most M&M’s. The result is a rich chocolaty taste with a sharp mint sting. The Mint M&Ms come in two colors: green and light green. They taste the exact same. I can’t eat a whole pack in one sitting. They get boring and bland after a few bites, so I share to get rid of them and let people think I’m being generous. Then they share their candy with me when I don’t have any. It’s the perfect crime.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 2, 2013 · 5:05 pm

Haribo Happy Cola Gummi Candy

Haribo is a popular candy brand that is primarily known for their gummi candies. They make bears, worms, sharks, and various other types of gummi, like Happy Cola. Happy Cola gummies are gummies that are shaped like little soda bottles that taste kind of like cola. There are two main ways to eat them: you either bite off the top and work your way down, or you pop the whole thing into your mouth. Gummies are an interactive candy. They bend, they move, and they are fun to play with. You use your imagination to eat them. There are a lot of better tasting candies out there, but nobody refuses a gummi, especially one that’s shaped like a Coke bottle.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 19, 2013 · 9:53 am

Chex Mix Bold Party Blend

Chex Mix Bold Party Blend is a more courageous version of Chex Mix Traditional Party Blend. You get pieces of Chex cereal, pretzels, bread sticks and rye chips infused with the taste of Worcestershire sauce. The Worcestershire sauce makes it bold. It’s the perfect snack when you get attacked by the munchies. It’s very versatile. You can grab a handful and eat them one piece at a time, or you can savagely shove it all in your mouth. It will leave flavor residue on your fingers, but it still has a nice crunch to it. It’s not junk food if it’s not salty and crunchy. I also have to mention that the food scientists at General Mills did a great job with their preservatives. I opened this bag a few days ago and it still tastes fresh. I didn’t even use a chip clip. Kudos to you.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 14, 2013 · 11:12 am

Pizza then Twists then Back to Pizza

You’re chilling with some friends, it’s getting near dinnertime, and you all decide to order a pizza with some garlic twists. Twists are good, pizza is great, and you’re not sure which one to eat first. Let me give you a hint: start with a slice or two of pizza, then grab a twist, then go back to pizza. If you’re still hungry after that, then you can grab another twist. It’s more important to fill up on pizza first. You got the twists to go with the pizza; you didn’t get the pizza to go with the twists. Pizza is the main event, twists are just the accessory. So remember: it’s pizza then twists then back to pizza. And it all goes better with beer.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 6, 2013 · 9:52 am

Krave Jerky Smoky Grilled Teriyaki

Krave Jerky is a brand of premium jerky. They make beef jerky, they make turkey jerky, and apparently they also make pork jerky. And that’s what Smoky Grilled Teriyaki is. It’s pork. You can tell by the smell that it’s pork and not beef. It’s really sweet. It’s like eating candied pork or a stale slice of ham. You can’t really taste any smoke or teriyaki flavors. It’s just overpriced sweetened hunks of dried pork. It’s worth trying because it’s a different type of jerky than you’re used to, but it’s only worth trying once. It’s kind of a disappointing experience. I also think that the minimize the fact that it’s pork on the package. It seems like it would be too easy for somebody to grab it without realizing that it’s pork. And that’s not kosher.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 5, 2013 · 9:38 am

Ordering a Pizza While Drunk

I went to a going-away party the other night and proceeded to get shitfaced with about fifty friends. We were doing shots, drinking cocktails, chugging down beers, and drunk people are known to get hungry. We decided to order a couple of pizzas and that turned into a process. First we had to decide on a place. Then we had to figure out how many people are eating so we would know how many pies to get. Then we had to figure out what toppings you want, and that part took forever because some people are vegetarians and some people are opposed to pineapple and some people can’t eat cheese. It turned into a debate over whether or not to get a meat combo or a veggie combo or a plain cheese pizza, and everyone was drunk so they all have an opinion, and everyone’s opinion was loud. We finally decided on the three pizzas that we would get, and then another argument started over who would call and place the order. Everyone had a lame reason or an excuse over why they couldn’t be the one to call. Eventually I gave in and I called. I didn’t even bother leaving the room full of rowdy drunks, so I had to yell so that the lady could hear me and kept having to ask the lady to repeat herself. After five minutes I finally got the order in, but then we had to collect the money, and that was the biggest hassle of all. Some people had cash, but only big bills that had to be broken. Some people only had cards. Some people had to borrow money from other people. Everyone wanted pizza and that meant some people weren’t going to eat any. Ordering a pizza while drunk is a chore, but eating a pizza while drunk makes it all worthwhile.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 8, 2013 · 10:03 am

Cheese and Crackers

            You got invited to a dinner party and you’re not quite sure what to bring. Beer and wine are always acceptable, but everyone brings beer and wine. You can’t go wrong by bringing some fancy cheese and crackers. It’s an appreciated hors d’oeuvre. It’s something to nibble on while you sip your booze and make idle conversation. There are so many great types of cheese out there; you have to try them all to find out which ones you prefer. Generally speaking, the more it stinks, the better it tastes. If you’re bad at choosing cheese, you can always grab a premade platter. They will have a few types of cheese, some crackers, and salami or pepperoni. Some of the fancier ones might include olives or grapes. You can’t go wrong with cheese and crackers. Even if you don’t know how to cook, you can still make a good impression with a decent cheese platter.

            Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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July 5, 2013 · 9:52 am

Double Dipping

Double dipping is a cardinal sin and should be treated as such. You’ll see somebody grab a chip, dip it in the salsa, and then take a bite. Then you’ll see them dip the chip again with the part that was in their mouth. They are essentially spitting into the salsa even though they deny it. Double dipping is not condoned, but there is a right way to do it. After your initial bite, you simply have to turn the chip 180 degrees and use the sanitary part to get more dip. Then you can dip your half-chewed chip without contaminating the rest of the dip. There you go, you get two dips with one chip without tainting the dip for everyone else. There’s really no excuse for double dipping. It’s gross, it’s rude, it’s lazy, and it’s beyond inconsiderate. I don’t want to taste your spit; I just want to enjoy the guacamole. You shouldn’t share with other people if you don’t have any etiquette.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 26, 2013 · 9:50 am

Krave Lemon Garlic Turkey Jerky

Krave is a brand of gourmet jerky from Sonoma, California. Lemon Garlic Turkey Jerky is just one of their many unique offerings. Most of the time I prefer beef jerky over turkey jerky, but I’m not opposed to turkey jerky by any means. And I really enjoy the fact that turkey jerky rhymes. But I digress… my initial response upon opening the bag was being amazed at how moist and tender the jerky was. All the pieces stick together, but they pull apart easily. It’s sweeter and less salty than most jerky, and not really spicy at all. The lemon and garlic flavors are well balanced, but the jerky leaves a greasy residue on your fingers, similar to some potato chips. It loses a few points for the finger residue, but this is a good jerky.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 21, 2013 · 10:27 am

Krave Chili Lime Beef Jerky

Krave is a brand of gourmet jerky. They make beef jerky, they make turkey jerky, and they make dried meat in different flavors. Most jerky flavors are the same. You have original, you have a hot & spicy, and you have a teriyaki. Krave’s Chili Lime Beef Jerky is a unique flavor, and that’s what initially caught my eye. I detect a spicy-hot flavor from the chili powder, and it’s offset by the zesty and citric lime flavor. It’s a nice complimentary flavor. You might sweat a little, but it’s the perfect amount of spicy. The jerky itself is thick cut, moist and tender. It’s the kind of jerky that you want to share so that other people can experience it, but it’s so good that you want to keep it all for yourself. Krave makes gourmet jerky, and jerky is the new microbrew. It’s going to blow up. There will be more brands, more flavors, and a huge market for jerky products. You can eat it in the car, on the trail, as a snack, or as a survival food. I will repost this article in five years, and you will see that I’m right in all my jerky predictions.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 19, 2013 · 10:06 am

Graham Cracker

Graham crackers were invented by a minister named Sylvester Graham. They were a fixture of a diet partially designed to curb masturbation. Seriously. You can’t make that shit up. He thought that eating bland food would suppress your carnal urges. A graham cracker is a lightly sweetened type of cracker that tastes almost like a cookie, except it’s slightly healthier for you. Graham crackers are a staple of children’s lunches and day care snack times around the world. They are a crucial part of your childhood. Your affection for graham crackers starts to wane once you hit puberty. Can you even remember the last time you had just a graham cracker and nothing else? S’mores don’t count. You haven’t had a graham cracker by itself since middle school, admit it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 10, 2013 · 9:17 am

Ruffles Ultimate Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch

Ruffles chips are good, but they are boring. They realized that they weren’t extreme enough, so the suits got together and created Ruffles Ultimate, and they came up with a few hardcore flavors for your hardcore hunger. And Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch is one of those hardcore flavors. It’s has a cool, creamy ranch taste, and the jalapeño flavor gives it a kick (maybe that’s why it’s kickin’). The jalapeño sneaks up on you. You won’t think it’s that spicy until it hits you a few chips in. It tastes pretty good by itself, you don’t need any dip. I don’t think they are strong enough to handle dip. They look sturdy but they break easily.  They have a nice crunch to them, but they leave residue on your fingers. They are worth trying, but I don’t think it’s going to dominate the market any time soon.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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