Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

December 26, 2012 · 8:54 am

Salt Water Taffy

Salt water taffy is a type of chewy candy. I don’t know why it’s called salt water taffy. There’s no salt water in it. It’s kind of weird to lie about something as trivial as that. Anyway, salt water taffy comes in a variety of flavors, but it’s impossible to tell what those flavors are. Some of them are fruity but I couldn’t tell you which fruit it’s trying to emulate. Salt water taffy’s biggest competition comes from Laffy Taffy, but salt water taffy doesn’t need to resort to cheap gimmicks like putting lame jokes on the label to sell in units. Salt water taffy has been around for over a hundred years; it’s not going away anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2012 · 11:36 am

Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce

Steak. Steak is delicious and amazing. Some people add sauce or spices to amp up the flavor factor. A lot of people like A1 Steak Sauce or merlot garlic butter. I prefer my steak with some Worcestershire sauce, preferably Lea & Perrins brand. Worcestershire is a tongue twister. They should give you a free bottle if you can say it ten times fast without fucking up. Worcestershire sauce is a smorgasbord of flavor enhancers. It’s made of malt vinegar, spirit vinegar, molasses, sugar, salt, anchovies, tamarind extract, onions, garlic, spice, and flavoring. Mmmmm, flavoring. Wikipedia suggests that the spice and flavoring are cloves, soy sauce, lemons, pickles, and peppers. I pretty much like the flavors and tastes of all those items. Tamarind extract is especially appetizing.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 9, 2012 · 10:23 am

Cheez-It Big

Sometimes you’re hungry and want something more than a snack but less than a meal. There was once a time where you were doomed to stay in this hunger limbo, but now there are big Cheez-Its. They are cleverly packaged as Cheez-It Big. It’s “Twice the Size!” with “Big Taste!” They taste like regular Cheez-Its, but they are bigger. I don’t know why they had to make them bigger. It’s not like a bigger Cheez-It is more practical than a regular sized Cheez-It. They both fit in your hand, they both taste the same, and they are just as portable. We are getting sick of remakes and sequels in Hollywood, we don’t need it from snack companies too. There is really no reason for this product to exist.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 7, 2012 · 9:54 am

Goldfish Parmesan

Goldfish Parmesan are the Parmesan cheese-flavored version of Pepperidge Farm’s famous fish-shaped baked snack crackers. They taste kind of bland when compared to the other flavors of Goldfish. They don’t taste cheesy at all, which is ok because processed cheese flavor can sometimes be overwhelming and slightly disgusting. It’s impossible to look tough when you’re eating Goldfish. Little smiling fishlike snacks aren’t that intimidating for some reason. Goldfish Parmesan is decent, but more flavor would be nice. I’ll stick with the classic Cheddar flavor for now.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 1, 2012 · 10:01 am

George Foreman Grill

The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine is one of the best infomercial products of all time with over 100 million units sold. That’s a lot of fat-reduced burgers, steaks, and sausages. Men like to cook meat with fire but we don’t always have that option. That’s when an electric countertop grill comes in handy. The beauty of the George Foreman Grill lies with the angled clamshell design that heats both sides simultaneously while channeling the grease down into a catcher. Later they added a bun warmer on top and perfection was achieved. The George Foreman grill is staple of dorm rooms and bachelor pads around the world. Wikipedia tells me that the George Foreman Grill is also endorsed by Jackie Chan in Asian markets. I wouldn’t recommend cooking rice on the grill though.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 1, 2012 · 9:58 am

Kettle Chips Jalapeño Jack

         Chips are good. Cheese is good. Kettle Brand potato chips with a jalapeño jack flavor is even better. This is a limited batch commemorating thirty years in the potato chip business. It’s a delicious milestone. The chips aren’t Krinkle Cut like some of the other Kettle chips, they look kind of like Lay’s. They taste similar to a sour cream & onion flavor, but they are spicier. In a blind taste test there’s no way you could label this as a jalapeño jack flavor without being told that it was jalapeño jack. Try them out, you might like them. They won’t be available for long so grab them while you can.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 27, 2012 · 9:50 am

Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Limón

It’s time for some junk food and you’re kind of sick of chips. Cheetos are a nice alternative. There are a few varieties to choose from: Crunchy, Puffs, and they have different flavors as well. Crunchy Flamin’ Hot has been my go-to for a few years, but when I’m feeling a little more adventurous I’ll kick it up a notch and grab the Flamin’ Hot Limón. It has a little more zest. They are spicy enough to make your face sweat and that’s always a good sign. The biggest downside to Flamin’ Hot Limón is that they stain your fingertips red. They should come with a wet nap included in the bag like a Cracker Jack prize.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 24, 2012 · 10:37 am

Cracker Jack

Cracker Jack is a delicious blend of caramel coated popcorn and peanuts with a prize. You can’t forget about the prize. There used to be a cool prize like a magic ring or a whistle, but these days it’s usually a temporary tattoo or a paper cutout of some bullshit. Popcorn and peanuts are awesome by themselves, so when they combine their forces and also get caramelized it’s a delight for your taste buds. You don’t eat Cracker Jack every day. In fact, you forget about it for months at a time. But then baseball season comes back and you stars singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” and you get the sudden urge to buy them. That song is product placement at its best.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2012 · 10:53 am

Twinkies

Everyone is talking about how Hostess is going out of business and what that means for the future of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, and all the other crappy baked goods that you only pretended to enjoy. Who the fuck cares? Twinkies suck. That’s the truth. That’s why Hostess went bankrupt. Because people weren’t buying them anymore. Because they suck. Hostess describes them as “Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling.” I bet you a thousand dollars you had no idea that the processed pastry tube is supposed to be sponge cake. And you had no idea that the creamy filling is supposed to be vanilla flavored. Twinkies are the kind of food that you think you want, so you go to the store and buy some, you open up the package, you take a bite, and you are instantly disappointed. It’s like craving Taco Bell, it’s usually a mistake to give in to the temptation. The only reason to buy a Twinkie is for the nostalgia factor, but you’ll feel like a Ding Dong when you do. Because they suck. Anything your Ho Ho of a mom makes tastes better.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2012 · 9:59 am

Stale Chips

You were a little tipsy last night and you wake up to find a bag of chips that you opened up and left on the counter all night long. Curious, you stick your hand in the bag and grab a chip. You pop it in your mouth and start to chew, realizing after a few bites that the bag is now filled with stale chips. Chips are dried and processed and loaded with preservatives. How does a few hours of exposure make them stale? Those food scientists are slacking. Stale chips are uncalled for and inexcusable. But I can’t stop eating them.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2012 · 10:59 am

Homemade Beef Jerky

Beef Jerky is awesome if you’re a carnivore. Dried piece of cow flesh in flavors like smoked, peppered, and teriyaki? Yes, please. You can buy Jack Link’s or other brands of beef jerky at the store, but homemade beef jerky is where it’s at. All you need is a food dehydrator, meat, and a creative recipe. Anything made at home will taste better than anything you buy. Homemade beef jerky is amazingly delicious. Just to clarify, when I say homemade, I mean when my mom makes it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2012 · 10:39 am

Doritos Locos Tacos

People like tacos and people like Doritos. The bigwigs at Taco Bell realized this and decided to combine the two. Doritos Locos Tacos are Taco Supremes in a taco shell made out of Doritos Nacho Cheese flavored chips. It’s a pretty amazing concept, but it’s not the flavor revolution they were hoping for. It tastes like your typical shitty Taco Bell taco, but the shell is orange. You can hardly taste the Doritos shell. The only reason to try it is to tell people you tried it. I just hope that they don’t start making nachos with Doritos.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2012 · 10:22 am

Pomegranates

Pomegranates are a delicious and healthy fruit. They look like an orange-reddish bulb.  You peel it open to reveal hundreds of small seeds inside. The small seeds are what you eat, you throw away the rest. A major downside to pomegranates is that it’s a bitch to get the seeds out. You have to cut and peel and pop them out. Pomegranates are a mystery fruit. You can’t tell how good the seeds are until you open it up. There’s nothing worse than seeing a bunch of white kernels or brown rotten seeds. On the other hand, a perfect pomegranate is better than… I don’t know. They are fucking really good though.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Getting a Fork at an Asian Restaurant

You’re hungry and in the mood for some rice and decide to try out that new Chinese place down the street. You get a table, sit down, pour some tea, and glance at the menu. At one point you notice that there isn’t any silverware on the table, just a few pairs of chopsticks. That’s ok because you know how to use chopsticks and want to show off your skills. Your waitress doesn’t think you have what it takes and she brings you a fork. Getting a fork at an Asian restaurant is an insult. It’s insulting for them to bring you one without you asking for one. That means they think you suck and aren’t cultured. It’s also insulting if you ask for a fork. I know that eating with sticks is hard, but you should eat Asian food the Asian way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2012 · 10:02 am

Opening the Cereal Box Upside Down

It’s too early and you’re too tired to make breakfast so you settle for some cereal. You shuffle over to the cabinet and grab the box of cereal you bought the day before. You groggily open it up and pour your flakes into a bowl, add a little milk, and start eating. The next day you wake up too early again, grab the box of cereal and notice that you opened it upside down. It’s not a huge deal but you are stuck with an upside down box of cereal for the next week. You have to tilt your head to read the nutrition facts, you can’t play any of the kid’s games on the back, and you are judged by anyone who sees your upside down box of cereal. They should make cereal boxes like playing cards so it doesn’t matter which end is up. You just have to make sure you don’t open up both ends because you will get cereal all over the floor.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2012 · 10:28 am

Chevys

Chevys is a popular chain restaurant that serves Tex-Mex food. Well, it’s not that popular anymore. They seem to be closing locations down left and right. Either way, Chevys was known primarily for its margaritas, freshly made tortillas, and birthday sombrero hats. If you grew up in the suburbs you were required to go to a Chevys for a birthday party at some point in your life. You might have fond memories of Chevys but if you go into one now you’ll see how depressing they’ve become. Maybe that’s why they’re closing left and right.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 13, 2012 · 9:02 am

Eating Alone at a Restaurant

It’s the middle of the day and it’s time for lunch. You decide that you want to go to a real restaurant because three consecutive lunches at McDonald’s is too much. You invite a few friends or coworkers, but everyone is busy or can’t make it in time. It’s time to swallow your pride and tell the hostess that you only need a table for one. She looks at you like you’re a loser and you feel like one. But your stomach tells you to shut up, sit down, and order something. There’s nothing wrong with dining alone, but you feel awkward and overhearing other people socializing, talking and having fun isn’t helping your self-esteem any. Oh well, at least your fries taste good.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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