Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

December 24, 2013 · 9:03 am

The Bureau is Made of Redwood

I used to have a huge infatuation with ghosts and haunted houses when I was growing up, and the Winchester Mystery House was one of the tourist attractions that I always wanted to go. Sarah Winchester was a rich and eccentric old lady who was convinced that all the people who died from Winchester rifles would come back to haunt her. So she constructed a huge mansion that was continuously being built, remodeled, and redesigned in an effort to confuse the spirits. Some stairways lead directly into the ceiling, there are doorways to nowhere, there are secret passageways, and the general layout of the house is completely chaotic.

They offer guided tours daily, and I got to cross it off my bucket list a few years ago. My friend and I went together and we felt kind of out of place. We were the only twenty-somethings there. There were a few senior citizen couples and a few small families on the same tour as us. At one point we went into a small room and the guide pointed out a beautiful wooden bureau. It was a huge dresser, majestic and regal, and probably worth thousands of dollars. The guide asked us if we knew what kind of wood it was. Everyone just kind of shrugged their shoulders and rolled their eyes. Nobody knew what kind of wood it was and apparently nobody cared. But then one of the dads in the group casually raised his hand and said, “The bureau is made of redwood.”

The guide looked shocked. “That’s right,” he said. “How did you know that? I’ve been doing this tour for fifteen years. I ask that question four times everyday. Nobody’s ever gotten it right before.”

The dad glanced down at his two kids who were staring back at him with awe. “Well,” he said, “I went on this tour with my dad when I was a kid. They asked that same question and my dad was a lumberjack and knew that it was redwood. And if it was redwood then, it’s probably still redwood now.”

Everyone had a bit of a chuckle, but that whole exchange really resonated with me. That was the most memorable moment of the entire tour. I felt like I just witnessed a private moment and the birth of a new family tradition (which I fully intend to steal). I hope that one day his kids will come back to the Winchester Mystery House with their kids, and that when the guide asks about that fancy wooden dresser, they can answer that the bureau is made of redwood and explain how they know. The past is more present than you think.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 23, 2013 · 9:56 am

Festivus

December 23rd is Festivus, the secular holiday that’s become a growing tradition thanks to Seinfeld. It’s been a real family custom for writer Dan O’Keefe since 1966, and he was gracious enough to introduce it to the world via the classic Seinfeld episode “The Strike.” Festivus is a response to the commercialization of Christmas, a holiday for the rest of us. There’s no tree, just an unadorned aluminum pole instead. There’s a dinner or feast, followed the “Airing of Grievances,” where each person expresses their disappointment with everyone else. Festivus concludes with the “Feats of Strength.” The head of the household challenges somebody to a wrestling match, and the holiday is finally over when the head of the household gets pinned. In theory, Festivus could go on forever. It seems to be gaining in popularity every year. There are already Festivus poles popping up alongside nativity scenes in public places around the US. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an actual, recognized holiday within the next hundred years.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 21, 2013 · 7:42 am

Wrapping Presents

Every holiday season you go on a quest. You search through malls and stores and websites in search of the perfect gift for a loved one. You have to think about what that person wants, what they need, and what’s in your budget. And then you have to wrap up. Wrapping presents makes your gift a little bit more mysterious and that makes it more fun. It’s also an unnecessary gimmick to make department stores a little bit more money. But it’s become tradition and customary, and a gift seems less personal if it’s not wrapped. You don’t even need to use real wrapping paper, the funny pages from the paper make an adequate substitute. I’ve even used grocery store advertisements and brown paper bags for wrapping presents. It only ruined Christmas a little bit.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 19, 2013 · 9:41 am

The Lottery Ticket Paradox

The lottery ticket paradox was a stoney thought I had the other night as I clutched my Mega Millions ticket in my hand. Let’s say you go in on a $10 quick pick with a friend on the night of the drawing. He gives you five bucks, you throw down another $5 and buy the ticket. You text him a picture of the ticket as proof of purchase, then you stuff the ticket in your wallet and temporarily forget about it. A few hours later your buddy calls you saying that you hit the jackpot. That piece of paper that your fat ass is sitting on is worth millions of dollars.

But there’s a paradox here. The lottery ticket paradox. Did you have the winning ticket before the numbers were drawn? At what point did you become a millionaire? Was it when you purchased the ticket? Was it when the Mega Number was drawn? Was it when your friend called you and told you? Or do you have to wait until you receive that giant oversized check for it to be official? It’s essentially the chicken vs. egg debate. Does your ticket match the drawing, or does the drawing match your ticket?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

lotto tickets

Broken dreams

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December 18, 2013 · 11:44 am

Inside Joke

An inside joke is a joke that you share with only a handful of people. It’s only funny for you and the few people that are in on it. You all think it’s hilarious. Everyone else thinks it’s stupid. They also feel left out, but they will never admit that. It’s rude to tell inside jokes around somebody on the outside. You have to feign sympathy, apologize, and explain that it was an inside joke. And it’s awkward to tell them that they should stop laughing because they don’t get it. An inside joke is kind of like segregation. It makes some people feel included while isolating everyone else. An inside joke is the apartheid of comedy.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2013 · 8:27 am

Coin Snatching

Coin snatching is when you snatch a coin or coins off of your elbow. If you’re right handed, put a quarter onto your right elbow and balance it there. Then let your elbow drop and try to grab the quarter out of the air with your right hand. It takes a couple of tries but it’s pretty easy to get the hang of it. Practice with one quarter for a while and you can start moving up to more and more coins. It more impressive if you have more coins, but it’s also more embarrassing when you fail. Coin snatching will never get you any girls, but it’s a good bar trick if you can do it when you’re drunk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2013 · 6:20 pm

Starting Each Sentence With “And”

“And” is a great way to start each sentence. And it’s recommended because you can ramble on and on. And it won’t seem like it’s a glorified run-on sentence because you use periods and punctuation marks. And people like punctuation marks. And periods. And anything else that makes your incoherent ramblings seem more coherent. And it’s also easier to read. And the easier it is to read, the more people will read it. And maybe they will share it. And then I will get more hits and views on my site. And that makes me feel good about myself. And it makes me feel more confident. And everybody knows that self-confidence is an important attribute. And if you feel better about yourself, you are more inclined to help others out. And that makes the world a better place. And don’t you want the world to be a better place? And I know this post is lazy, but I had to write something. And I’m done now so I don’t really care anymore.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2013 · 8:27 am

Counting Sheep

You have a big day tomorrow and you need to get a good night’s sleep, but your mind is racing and falling asleep seems impossible. You start thinking about how you can’t sleep, and that stresses you out even more so you become even more restless. That’s when you need to distract yourself and start counting sheep. You imagine a bunch on sheep jumping over a fence one at a time and count how many sheep jump over the fence. It doesn’t matter what’s on the other side of the fence, and you don’t need to know why they are even jumping over the fence in the first place. Just count how many sheep jump over the fence. It will calm you down and you’ll gradually start drifting off to sleep. It might take a while. There have been nights where I’ve counted over two thousand sheep. That’s a lot of lamb chops. But I’ve always fallen asleep eventually. Just keep counting sheep until you run out of them. Nobody is quite sure how tallying livestock cures insomnia, but it really does help.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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December 13, 2013 · 10:00 am

Fist Bump

A fist bump (or pound) is a more casual and cooler way to shake hands. You ball your hand into a fist, extend your arm, and lightly tap your knuckles against the other person’s knuckles. You don’t have to be gentle about it, but you don’t have to punch the other person. You’re not playing Bloody Knuckles. You can use the fist bump as a greeting, in lieu of a celebratory high five, and/or as a casual goodbye when someone is leaving. Fist bumps have a few benefits over a high five or handshake. For starters, it doesn’t matter which fist you use unlike with a high five or handshake. It’s virtually impossible to have an awkward fist bump. Everyone’s had an awkward handshake or high five before. Fist bumps are much easier and harder to fuck up on. You also make less surface contact with the other person’s skin, so you don’t have to worry about sweaty palms or clammy hands. And fist bumps are also more sanitary so you don’t have to stress about germs, bacteria, or if they washed their hands when they went to the bathroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2013 · 9:48 am

Tandem Bike

A tandem bike is a bike that is designed to be ridden by two or more people. Most tandem bikes are for two riders, but the world record holder fits thirty-five people. That’s a lot of hippies. Seating is an important consideration when riding on a tandem bike. You should always try to sit in the back. The person in the front seat has to steer and peddle continuously. If you’re in the second seat, you can stop peddling once you get enough momentum. As long as the person in front doesn’t notice, you’re free to relax and enjoy the scenery. Every now and then you will see a guy riding a tandem bike by himself. He is either the loneliest person on the planet or his friend fell off. It doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still required to point a finger and make fun of him.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2013 · 9:45 am

Douche

Douche is a great word. A douche is either a feminine hygienic product, an effective insult, or a sound effect. A douche is a device that women use them to flush out and rinse their vaginas, which helps get rid of bacteria and unwanted odors. Douche has also become a slang word for an arrogant motherfucker. You can say douche bag for more emphasis if they are really being obnoxious. For some reason, adding bag to it makes it sound harsher. Douche is also a great sound effect for play fighting. Throw a slow motion uppercut at your friend and say Douche! when you make contact. Bam! Douche! Pow! See how satisfying that is? And it sounds natural. Douche is a powerful word. Use it wisely.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2013 · 8:51 am

Cold Snap

A cold snap is what old folks call it when the weather is really cold for a prolonged period of time. Younger people usually say that it’s cold as Hell, even though that doesn’t make any sense if you think about it. San Francisco is in the middle of a cold snap right now, and even though it’s not technically freezing, it’s still colder than anyone would like it to be. An unfortunate few have succumbed to the cold. The cold weather is an annoyance to some, but it’s a life or death situation for a lot of homeless people. We are lucky enough to be able to turn on the heater or put on another sweater. Some people don’t have that option. Don’t take that shit for granted.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2013 · 11:01 am

Kill Switch

A kill switch is a safety mechanism that is used to shut down a device in an emergency situation. If you’re using a circular saw to cut wood and your arm gets stuck in the path of the blade, flicking the kill switch will probably save your life. You find kill switches mostly on mechanical and electrical equipment, but humans can have kill switches too. I have a coworker who gets a little rowdy from time to time, but I discovered a phrase that acts like a kill switch. Whenever he’s getting too annoying, I’ll say “anus mucus” and he will instantly shut up and calm down. It works every single time. It makes me wonder if other people have a kill switch or some phrase that I can exploit to make them compliant to my will. Not every kill switch is as effective as “anus mucus” though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2013 · 10:59 am

The Heimlich Maneuver

The Heimlich maneuver is a technique used to help somebody who is choking. You’ve seen it a thousand times on TV shows and in movies, and maybe you’ve even seen it in real life. It’s not the recommended way to stop choking anymore because it can cause abdominal bruising, but it’s still an effective way to save a life. I personally would prefer a bruised abdomen over not being alive anymore. The Heimlich maneuver is simple to learn and easy to mimic. It seems like every few months you will hear about some elementary school kid saving a classmate with the Heimlich maneuver. They always say they learned it from watching cartoons. TV saves lives, there’s no denying it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 9, 2013 · 12:20 pm

Accidently Hitting the Eject Button on the Keyboard

I have a MacBook Pro that I use all the time. It’s a great computer, I love it, and I use it all the time. My only complaint about it is that the eject button is right above the delete key. I don’t know how many times I’ve hit the eject button by mistake. I do it all the time. It drives me crazy. I’ll be in the writer’s zone, where all the words just spill from your fingers onto the screen, and my pinky will slip while I’m trying to do a quick edit, ejecting whatever DVD is in in the disc drive and causing me to lose my train of thought. Then I have the option of putting the DVD back where it belongs or reinserting it back in. I usually put it back in, and then I have to wait for the DVD to load so I can quit the DVD player so I can get back to work. It only takes about a minute, but that’s a minute that I can never get back. Accidently hitting the eject button on the keyboard won’t kill you, but it takes a little of your life away each time.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 8, 2013 · 11:41 am

Table Snatchers

If you are a server/waiter, table snatchers should be one of your biggest pet peeves. A table snatcher is a coworker who steals one of the tables in your section. You’ll notice that you got sat, you’ll go over and greet the table, and they’ll tell you that somebody already took their order. You’ll be confused for a minute, wondering if this is really your table or if one of the managers took their order. Then you see your sleazy coworker bringing drinks out to the table, the same coworker who always tries to steal your tables. You call her out on it and she plays dumb, pretending like she didn’t know which tables were in her section. You know that she knows and she knows that you know that she knows, but she still acts like it was an innocent mistake and she offers you a shitty table in her section as compensation. Don’t take the table. It’s better to be mad. Table snatchers are dirty, rotten thieves that try to steal your customers and your tips while feigning ignorance. Fuck that, and fuck them. Don’t fuck around with my money.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 7, 2013 · 8:45 am

There’s No Universe Hall of Fame

I was having a philosophical discussion with my coworker in the break room a few days ago. We were talking about the meaning of life and about how selfish people don’t realize how insignificant they are. I used a Carl Sagan quote to get my point across: “The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.” My coworker nodded in agreement and expanded upon that idea. “Those assholes are wasting their time,” he said. “There’s no Universe Hall of Fame. Give it enough time and nobody’s going to care, and nobody’s even going to remember.”

That blew my mind. It’s such a simple and obvious fact. There is no Universe Hall of Fame. And even if there were, humans wouldn’t be in it. We are terrible creatures. We are parasites. We move into an area, use up all the resources, and move on. But whatever, I digress… You might be able to change the world, but that won’t have any affect on the universe whatsoever. That might sound depressing, but it’s incredibly freeing. Your life is your life, so live it your way. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing, don’t compare yourself to them, and don’t rate people. They aren’t going into the Universe Hall of Fame either.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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