Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

January 6, 2014 · 11:31 am

Sitting On The Cooler

I spent last Sunday watching football at my friend’s house. It was a playoff game, and we had about twenty people crammed into a living room. Every single seat available was taken. Every spot on the couch was occupied, every folding chair was claimed, and a few people had to stand or sprawl out on the floor. One of our friends arrived too late to grab a seat, so he improvised by grabbing the cooler and using it as a seat. He thought it was a good idea, but he very quickly realized that he made a mistake. He would have to stand up every time somebody wanted another beer. And people tend to drink a lot of beer while watching football. He had to get up every couple of minutes whenever somebody was thirsty. He eventually got so annoyed that he ended up sitting on the floor next to the cooler. The cooler seat is the last place you want to sit at party or get-together. You won’t be able to sit comfortably for an extended period of time and that’s the hallmark of any good seat. Avoid sitting on the cooler. It seems like a good idea, but it’s you’ll end up regretting it every time.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

January 5, 2014 · 10:29 am

Don’t Know What You Got Till It’s Gone

I’ve been living comfortably in the same apartment in San Francisco for more than six years. I have my own room, I live right by Golden Gate Park, I have access to public transportation, and there are a lot of cool bars and restaurants by my pad. It’s my house, it’s my home. And now I’m faced with an eviction notice over some bullshit technicality and I only have a few days to move out. I’m not stressed about finding a place to stay. I’m just bummed that I might have to leave this spot. They say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. I never knew how true those words were until today. I might have to leave my home. This place is a part of me. I’m not ready to say goodbye to it yet. And I hope I don’t have to. We’ll fight it. But it looks like I’ll be couch surfing for a little bit. Oh well.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

January 5, 2014 · 10:26 am

Arachnophobia

Arachnophobia is a fear of spiders. It’s also a movie starring Jeff Daniels and John Goodman. The movie is so-so. The fear is far more interesting. Spiders are among the creepiest of crawlies, so it’s only natural to harbor a passionate hatred for them. Spiders walk along walls and cling to ceilings. They spin webs, have pincers, and inject humans with venom. They stalk you in the night and they can sense fear. They seem innocent enough but you just can’t trust them. Some people have tarantulas as pets and I don’t know why. They aren’t real pets. They can’t be domesticated. Cats can’t even be domesticated, but for some reason some jackoffs think that they can tame an arachnid. Spiders should be squashed, not celebrated.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

January 3, 2014 · 10:01 am

Celebrating With Strangers

My New Year’s Eve wasn’t exactly perfect, but it was one of the most memorable midnights I’ve ever had. I started the evening by trying to decide where to go. A few friends were going to an event that cost about $200 for a ticket. That was more than I was willing to spend. A few other friends decided to go barhopping, but I didn’t feel like paying a $20 cover and having to battle the amateurs to get the bartender’s attention. I ended up going to the dive bar near my work. It was close to the fireworks and I knew that a lot of my friends from work would end up there eventually. Unfortunately, nobody got cut in time, so I decided to go to my super secret hideout at the top of a nearby hill.

My super secret hideout is an overlooked viewpoint at the top of a hill near Pier 39. You have a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge, and the Bay Bridge, and you can see for miles and miles if there’s no fog. And this was a clear night, perfect conditions for watching the fireworks. The only downside to my hideout is that you have to hop a gate and hike up a long flight of stairs. I jumped over the gate and started the long climb up. I was almost to the top when I noticed three guys smoking a blunt. They were probably in their late teens or early twenties. I nodded to them and kept on climbing. I got to the top and there was a young couple sitting on a bench. There are only two benches at the peak, so I took over the other one, put down my bag and pulled out a joint. I sparked it, took a few puffs, and offered it to the couple. They politely turned it down, but we started making small talk about how smart we were to come up to this amazing spot. The fireworks were about to start so the three younger guys came up and joined us. I passed them my joint, they passed me their blunt, and couple kept track of the time.

As midnight approached we could hear the thousands of people at Pier 39 counting down in unison. You could feel the energy in the air, an electricity as 2014 was closing in. Three! Two! One! Happy New Year! And then we heard the whistle of a firework rising into the air, we saw a flash of read, we heard the boom as it exploded, and we realized that we couldn’t see the fireworks. Not at all. They were behind a gigantic mansion perched on a slightly higher hill. We could hear the booms and cheers of adulation, but we couldn’t see anything.

And we didn’t care. We just laughed and popped open a bottle of champagne that the young couple provided. We smoked a little more weed, took a few swigs from the bottle, and wished each other a Happy New Year. Then we climbed down the stairs and went our separate ways. I never asked for their names, they never asked for mine. I’ll never see them again, I wouldn’t even recognize them if I do. But I’ll never forget them. Celebrating with strangers wasn’t my ideal midnight, but it was pretty awesome. I learned that it doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re with good people. Plus I had a good story for my friends when they finally showed up at the bar.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

January 3, 2014 · 9:57 am

Leatherman Squirt PS4

I got a Leatherman Squirt PS4 for Christmas. It’s a handy little multi-tool that fits on your keychain. I’ve had it for just over a week and I’ve used it about a million times. It’s practical and well-built. Leatherman knows how to make quality tools. The Squirt PS4 flips open to reveal pliers, both needlenose and regular equipped with wire cutters. It also has a few other tools like a knife, scissors, a bottle opener, a Phillips screwdriver/small screwdriver, a wood and metal file, and a medium screwdriver. The knife, file, scissors, and screwdrivers are all easily accessible from the outside. You don’t have to open it up to access anything except for the pliers and wire cutters. The knife is really sharp and cuts through paper and plastic like it’s butter. It cuts through butter like it’s really soft butter. The scissors are better than anything you’ll find on a Swiss Army knife. And I’ve already used the screwdrivers to fix a broken model helicopter and to tighten the handle on my roommate’s frying pan. The only tool I haven’t used yet is the file. If you have anything that needs filing, let me know and I’ll file it for you. The Squirt PS4 is practical and versatile and you’ll end up using it a thousand times a day. The zombie apocalypse is approaching. Be prepared.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , ,

January 2, 2014 · 9:41 am

Static Shock

A static shock is the jolt you experience when you have a buildup of static electricity and touch something. There are a few easy ways to experience a static shock. You can rub a balloon on your hair for a few seconds or you can take off your shoes, shuffle around the carpet in your socks, and then touch a doorknob. If you do it right, you’ll see a spark and feel a jolt. That’s a static shock. It doesn’t really hurt, but it feels weird and slightly uncomfortable. It’s more annoying than painful. You can use it as a weapon. Build up some static electricity and then zap your little brother. And repeat the process over and over again until he cries. Then do it some more and punch him in the shoulder if he threatens to tell on you. And then zap him again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

January 1, 2014 · 2:06 pm

New Year’s Resolution

A New Year’s Resolution is a promise that you make with yourself starting on New Year’s Day. Some people give up smoking or junk food. Some people vow to exercise twice a week. Some people decide to volunteer at a soup kitchen or to help the less fortunate. It really doesn’t matter what your New Year’s Resolution is because you’re never going to follow through on it. A New Year’s Resolution is just a promise to yourself that you haven’t broken yet. You might be good and follow the plan for a week or two, but you’ll slip into your old habits eventually. It’s yet another way to disappoint yourself. I’ve only made one resolution that has stuck and that was the year I decided to stop doing New Year’s Resolutions.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,

January 1, 2014 · 2:04 pm

Helping a Friend Move

Helping a friend move is a big step in any relationship. Not too many people are willing to sacrifice a Saturday to help you haul cardboard boxes around. But if you find a friend that’s willing to help you move, you know you’ve found a true friend. And you should reward him for his services. You don’t have to give him money, but you should give him beer or something as a way of saying thank you. That way it will be more like you’re hanging out and you won’t feel as guilty about taking advantage of the free labor. It’s also a bonding experience. Lugging a big screen TV down a flight of stairs is like living in a dorm together. You quickly discover each other’s flaws and true personalities, and there’s a sense of pride and accomplishment if you get through the ordeal without killing each other. You can’t call it a successful life if you’ve never helped a friend move. It’s not glamorous, but it’s fulfilling.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

December 31, 2013 · 12:06 am

Another New Year’s Eve

Cheers to another New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Eve is the last day of the year. You celebrate it by getting drunk, drinking champagne, and trying to make out with someone at midnight. It’s one of those nights that you’ll plan ahead days, weeks, or months in advance, but you’ll always be disappointed if you have expectations. It has the potential to be amazingly epic if you just wing it and go with the flow. New Year’s Eve is also a time of reflection, a time to think of all the broken promises you’ve made to yourself over the last year. It’s also the time to pat yourself on the back for your many small victories. You’re another year older and another year wiser, and now you get to celebrate. 2013 was awesome but now it’s time to experience 2014. I hope you all stay safe and wish you all a Happy New Year!

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

December 29, 2013 · 12:14 pm

Lincoln Logs

Lincoln Logs are either a classic children’s toy or the fecal remains of our sixteenth president. Most of the time, it refers to the classic toy. A Lincoln Log is a small piece of wood with a notch. The logs are notched so that another log can be placed on it at a ninety-degree angle. They link together so that you can make small-scale frontier forts and cabins. They were invented by John Lloyd Wright, the son of Frank Lloyd Wright (the internationally renowned and respected architect). Frank Lloyd Wright designed amazing, unique, and exciting buildings. John Lloyd Wright made a crappy toy that you threw away as soon as you discovered Legos. Frank might have been a little disappointed in his son’s career choice. They are both dead now so it doesn’t matter anymore. Lincoln Logs are a mediocre toy at best.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

December 29, 2013 · 11:56 am

Imaginary Friends

It seems like every little kid has an imaginary friend or two. It’s a way to stave off boredom and it helps them to develop personality and social skills. But as you grow up, your imaginary friends begin to fade away. It’s tough to say if you are outgrowing them or if your imaginary friends just don’t want to hang out with you anymore. It’s probably the latter. Imaginary friends get sick and tired of having to do everything that you want to do. Maybe they didn’t want to go to the zoo or play Hot Lava, but you still made them do it anyway. They probably resent you for always controlling the situation and never respecting their opinions. You might have listened to them, but you never really heard what they were saying. And so they started hanging out with other people’s imaginary friends and let your relationship fizzle out. Friendships sometimes end. Even imaginary ones.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

December 28, 2013 · 8:47 am

Holding Hands While Running Across the Street

I was heading to work a few days ago when I spotted a family of three tourists attempting to cross a busy street. They were watching the flow of cars and they ran across the street when they saw a break in traffic. They were holding hands for some stupid reason. I think holding hands while running across is more than a slight hindrance; I think it’s downright dangerous. It slows you down, it makes you less agile, and it makes you a bigger target. If one of them tripped, he would have dragged the other ones down with him. If one of them got hit by a car, he would have taken the other ones with him. If you want to die by being stupid, that’s awesome and I totally support you, but try not to kill anyone else.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

December 27, 2013 · 10:08 pm

A Mouse in the House

So I’ve been living in the same apartment in San Francisco for over six years now, and tonight I witnessed the first mouse in the house. Well, technically he wasn’t in the house, he was at the top of the stairs outside my front door. I just came home from a long, killer shift at work and was just looking forward to cracking open a beer and smoking a bowl. And then I was greeted by a rodent. That’s not a great welcome. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that it wasn’t actually inside the apartment, but I can’t help but feel that he was scoping out the place for his verminous friends. I already have two roommates, so I don’t need any furry pests encroaching on my living space, raiding the cabinets, and eating my food. A mouse in the house is a terrible thing. They say that if you see a mouse, then you have mice. I hope that’s not the case.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 27, 2013 · 1:01 am

The Perfect Christmas

I think I just had the perfect Christmas. It might have been a few days late, but I think it was the best one yet. I spent Christmas Day running around at work, suffering all day long with my coworkers. It might have sucked if I didn’t love all the people I work with, but luckily I do and we made the best of a stressful day. A couple of us went out for drinks after our shift and it ended up being a very memorable Christmas.
The 26th was my real Christmas though. I managed to get the day off and got to spend it with family. We started by getting a few drinks at Applebee’s. Classy, I know. Then we went to the Embassy Suites to take advantage of their happy hour. My family pregames before happy hour, how badass is that? After happy hour, we went back to my parents’ house for dinner, dessert, and more drinks. And presents, you can’t forget the presents.
It was a great Christmas. I saw my pregnant sister and the lump in her belly that I will soon be the uncle of. I discussed craft beers with my uncle while sipping on Pliny the Elder. I ate good food and laughed heartily every few minutes. Everybody was smiling and having a good time, nobody was pouting in the corner or silently sulking in the other room… And that automatically makes it better than any other holiday I’ve ever experienced. Christmas is about family and friends, and I got the best of both worlds this year. I consider myself lucky.
Critically Rated at 17/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

20131227-010103.jpg

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

December 26, 2013 · 2:07 pm

Leaving the Toilet Seat Up

Girls are always complaining about guys leaving the toilet seat up. Leaving the toilet seat up is a tradition that’s not going anywhere. It’s not like we are doing it out of spite (well, sometimes we do), it just stays up because we piss a lot and we are lazy. You’re lucky if we even remember to flush. I sometimes feel sorry for the girls that end up falling into the toilet, but they should have paid attention. Guys need to sit down when they shit, but we don’t fall in because we check the status of the seat before we sit down. It’s common sense. Look before you leap and look before you squat. Girls complain that leaving the seat up is inconsiderate. They never stopped to consider that leaving the seat down is inconsiderate to guys. I’m not sorry about leaving the toilet seat up. I leave the seat up, and I leave it up proudly. It’s also proof that I didn’t pee on the seat in the bathroom at work.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

December 26, 2013 · 1:37 pm

Forgetting to Add Detergent

Today is laundry day. I don’t have a washer or a dryer so I have to trek three blocks to the closest Laundromat. Going to the Laundromat requires planning ahead. You have to make sure you grabbed all your dirty clothes, that you have enough quarters, and you can’t forget to bring detergent and dryer sheets. You have to be prepared. And I always am, but I was off my game today. I got to the Laundromat with no problems. I put my clothes in the washer, plunked the right amount of quarters into the slot, pressed the preferred temperature button, and the machine roared to life. I had thirty minutes to kill, so I went across the street to the convenience store to buy a celebratory Red Bull and some snacks. While I was purchasing my items, it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t put any detergent in. Forgetting to add detergent is like washing your hands without using soap. It looks like productive but it’s not doing anything. Luckily I realized that I was a dumbass within ten minutes, so I went back to the Laundromat and threw in the detergent. The machine didn’t even cut off when I opened the lid, so I didn’t have to add another quarter. At least I didn’t have to pay extra for my stupidity.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

December 25, 2013 · 11:09 am

Working on Christmas

A lot of people view Christmas as the most important holiday of the year, a time for family and friends, of food, laughter, and presents. But it’s also just another day and that means a lot of people have to work on Christmas, myself included. It’s not a bad thing. I’m not going to mope and feel sorry for myself. I’m just going to go to work and make money (hopefully a lot of money if people are feeling the Christmas spirit). I actually want to work. I get paid double time and I have a longer shift.  Working on Christmas has been my holiday tradition for a few years now. I’m still going to celebrate Christmas with my family, it just won’t be on the 25th. Ain’t no thang as long as I get presents. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,