Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

February 12, 2014 · 1:14 pm

Seeing Your Breath in the Cold Air

One of my favorite things about cold days is seeing my breath in the air. When I was younger I would pretend like I was smoking a cigarette and I felt like a badass. I’m sure every little kid does that at some point, but I was really good at it and I looked really cool doing it. All the kids in my class agreed that I was the best fake smoker on the playground. I still enjoy seeing my breath in the cold air. It’s life affirming. I know that I’m still breathing, I know that I’m still alive, I know that I’m still here. Seeing your breath in the cold air is one of the great mysteries in life. Scientists still have no idea what causes the phenomenon, but I think it has something to do with protons and neutrons. I don’t know, I really didn’t pay much attention in Biology.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2014 · 12:18 pm

Uneven Drawstrings

I’m wearing a hoodie with uneven drawstrings and it’s driving me crazy. The left side is about an inch higher than the right side, so I will tug on the string to try and even it out, and then the right side will end up being higher than the left side. So then I tug on the right side and then the left side ends up higher than the right side. The more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. I’ve been playing with my drawstrings for about five minutes now and I’m starting to get frustrated. I’ll put on my hood, pull on a drawstring and scrunch up my hood while pulling on the other drawstring to balance it out. But it’s not working. I will get them to be almost even, but they still aren’t satisfactory, so I just keeping pulling and tugging and trying to even them out. Another few minutes of this drawstring purgatory and I will bust out the scissors and snip away my problems. In the meantime I will blog about uneven drawstrings.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2014 · 12:16 pm

Based On A True Story

Films are fantasy, not facts. You should be weary of any movie that claims to be based on a true story. It just means that something similar happened in real life once upon a time. Cool Runnings is based on a true story in that there was actually a Jamaican bobsled team, but most of the events in the film are completely fabricated or totally skewed. The Exorcist is supposedly based on a true story, but I haven’t seen anybody capable of twisting their head around 360 degrees or spider-walking downstairs lately. You should watch a fucking documentary if you want to see a film that really is based on a true story, but even then you have to remember that there are two sides to every story and Michael Moore only gives you one. Anything that claims to be based on a true story is a lie, history included. There is no truth in a story, that’s why it’s called a story. It’s made up, it’s a fabrication, it’s a lie.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 9, 2014 · 1:10 pm

Bike Messengers

Sometimes you need to send a package across the city and FedEx and UPS aren’t fast enough. That’s when you need a bike messenger. A bike messenger is fearless. He or she will take your package/documents/illegal drugs across town during rush hour, weaving in and out of traffic, dodging cars and pedestrians and suddenly opening doors. They fly down hills, they ride on curbs, they yell at taxi drivers blocking the bike lane, and they mockingly bark back at angry dogs. Bike messengers have an exhilarating, fast-paced job that doesn’t pay well or provide a lot of benefits, but it seems to be a lifestyle unto its own. They have their own culture, their own lingo, and they even have their own movie starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I haven’t seen Premium Rush, but I’m sure some people have and that most of them are probably bike messengers.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 9, 2014 · 1:08 pm

Putting Your Phone In the Wrong Pocket

Most guys have a designated pocket for their cellphones. That way you just need to pat one pocket quickly to make sure you still have your phone. But every once in a while you will put your phone in a different pocket and then you’ll momentarily freak out when you check for your phone and it’s not there. You’ll think that you left it behind somewhere, or maybe someone stole it, or maybe you dropped it without realizing it. And then you do a quick pat down and find it in your sweatshirt pocket. Putting your phone in the wrong pocket makes you feel like a victim and a dumbass at the same time, like you pranked yourself. I hate pranking myself. A self-destructive prank war is never a good thing.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2014 · 12:44 pm

When the Bus Drives By

I got off work late the other night and all I wanted to do was catch the first bus home and call it a night. I got to the bus stop, checked by bus schedule app, and knew that there would be a bus coming along within the next two minutes. Sure enough, two minutes went by and I saw my bus approaching. It came closer and closer, it started to slow down and then it kept driving right past me without stopping. The driver was going just slow enough to show the few passengers and the many empty seats through the windows. The driver wanted me to know that he wasn’t going to stop. I imagine he was watching my crestfallen face in his rearview mirror as he laughed and laughed as he drove on down the road. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt invalid. Nothing makes you feel as unwanted as when the bus drives by. You feel invisible, like a ghost, like you don’t exist.  And then you get angry and flip off the bus driver and silently curse him because that’s all you can do. Then you wait for the next bus.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2014 · 12:40 pm

Putting Your Trash Next To The Garbage Can But Not In It

There’s some asshole/idiot that I work with that doesn’t know how garbage cans work. He knows what they are for, but he doesn’t know how to use them properly. I know this because he has a habit of bringing his trash to the garbage can, but he leaves it on the floor beside it for somebody else to put it in. It’s very weird. He will take the time to pick up his trash, he will carry it all the way to the garbage can, and then he won’t take the extra half-second or so to throw it away himself. Putting your trash next to the garbage can but not in it is a glorious way of littering. You’re not making the world a better place. You’re just pissing people off and somebody might write a blog post about how much of a lazy dickhole you are. Either clean up after yourself or don’t. There’s no need to pretend you’re not a litterbug.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2014 · 11:10 am

Hats with Ears

I saw a baby with a knit cap the other day. The knit cap was designed to look like a monkey. It was brown with two little monkey ears. It made the baby look like a little monkey. It was very cute and adorable and even people who don’t particularly like babies would have liked this baby. Later on I saw a girl in her twenties wearing a knit cap. Her knit cap was designed to look like a giraffe. It was brown with a giraffe skin pattern and it was adorned with two little giraffe ears. It made the girl look like a fucking giraffe. It was not cute, it was not adorable, and even people who don’t particularly hate giraffes would have hated this girl. My point is that hats with ears are a tricky fashion item. It’s cute if you’re a kid, and it’s especially endearing if you’re a baby. But if you’re old enough to drink in a bar, you might want to rethink looking like a stuffed animal in public. There’s something weird about pretending to be a cuddly creature. I like in San Francisco and I see crazy shit on a regular basis, but I draw the line at furries. That shit weirds me out. Anthropomorphic animals just aren’t my bag. I will stage an intervention for anybody I care about who wears a hat with ears. Alcohol, drugs, gambling… those are all tolerable bad habits, but there’s no excuse for wearing hats with ears.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2014 · 11:06 am

Bahaha

So apparently bahaha is the new, cool way to show that you’re laughing when you’re online or texting. Hahaha wasn’t quite getting the point across, so the hipsters went ahead and changed it to bahaha. I don’t like it. It seems like an unnecessary change. Hahaha is an example of onomatopoeia, it’s the sound of laughter spelled out. I’ve never heard anybody laugh out lout with a B sound. Bahaha isn’t a natural spelling of human laughter. It’s more reminiscent of a cackling chicken. I don’t like bahaha. I refuse to convert. I will stick to the more traditional hahaha or LOL. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2014 · 9:04 am

Setting Off Your Own Car Alarm

It’s the middle of the night and you wake up from your deep slumber because there’s a car alarm blaring outside. You try to shut it out, but you can’t ignore it and you wonder whose fucking car alarm is going off and you wonder why that mother fucker isn’t doing anything about it. Then you realize that it’s your car and that you are that mother fucker. Setting off your own car alarm is one of the worst feelings in the world. You feel an instant pang of regret as something so mundane starts to backfire on you. It’s like when you flush the toilet and the water starts to rise. It’s not your fault, but everybody is going to blame you regardless. All you can do is apologize profusely but nobody will care. You’re the villain, you’re the asshole, and you have to accept that. You might not have meant to set it off, but you did, and you have to take responsibility for it. Hopefully you’re not taking responsibility at four in the morning.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2014 · 10:04 am

A Pimple In Your Nose

It’s bad enough getting a pimple but sometimes you get a pimple somewhere else other than your face. Sometimes you get them on your chest, back, I got one on the top of my ear once, but getting a pimple in your nose is the worst. An inner nose pimple is almost impossible to pop. And it’s not a normal spot for a pimple so it’s noticeable. It also gets kind of swollen and hurts a little bit. It’s kind of like a mosquito bite, it’s not really painful but it is uncomfortable. I would recommend getting a pimple in your nose if you can help it. I don’t know how to prevent nasal zits, but I’m sure you can find a remedy on Google if you look for one. You might want to clear your search history afterwards though. You don’t want other people to associate you with nose pimples.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2014 · 10:01 am

Talking Into a Fan

There’s something about talking into a fan that reverts everybody into being a five-year-old again. It’s fun. It distorts your voice and makes you sound like Darth Vader. Well, a low-rent Darth Vader, but Darth Vader nonetheless. The most important thing to remember about talking into a fan is to keep your distance. Nothing takes the joy out of fan talking faster than getting your tongue stuck in the blades. You’ll end up with a bloody tongue and a broken fan. And no Darth Vader impression is worth that much hassle. Also try not to spit when you’re talking into a fan, it’s like spitting in the wind and you’ll regret it instantly (especially if your tongue is bleeding).
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 31, 2014 · 8:55 am

Getting a New Stain Right After You Did Laundry

You’ve been putting off doing laundry for a few weeks until you finally crack and drag your dirty clothes to the Laundromat. You spend a few hours and a few quarters cleaning your clothes, and you feel accomplished and proud when you finally finish. You decide to celebrate your laundry victory by wearing a warm, clean shirt straight from the dryer. You’ll be wearing that shirt for about ten minutes before you dribble coffee down the front. Getting a new stain right after you did laundry is inevitable. The universe always knows when you’ve done laundry, and the universe will try to rectify the situation by getting your clothes dirty again. The universe wants you to waste quarters.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 31, 2014 · 8:53 am

Titty Twister

A titty twister is when your asshole friend pinches your nipple and twists it. It goes by a few other names. I’ve heard it been called a purple nurple or a boobie blister, and there are alternate spellings such as tittie twister, but it’s all the same term for that act of casual assault. Titty twisters hurt. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of one, but it’s funny to witness one or to be the guy doing the titty twisting. My friend is really good at titty twisters. She has a special talent where she knows exactly where your nipple is at all times. She just hones in on it, latches on, and twists your titty when you least expect it. She has a 99% titty twister success rate, which is uncanny. Most titty twister attempts only have a 60% success rate. It’s a lot harder to grab a nipple that you can’t see than you might think.  It’s not a great talent to have, but it’s still a valid talent.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 30, 2014 · 12:00 pm

Public Speaking

Speaking in public is an important social skill to have. A lot of people are terrified of public speaking, and it’s not a very enjoyable experience if you’re shy. But if you can’t read a few sentences out loud to a group of strangers, there is no way that you will be successful in life. How you present yourself is important in the business world. It’s important in any world. If you stammer or stutter, if you speak in a monotone or add the wrong inflection, then you weird people out. You need to speak with confidence. You need to speak clearly and correctly, but you also have to go with the flow. There will be times when you trip up on a word or somebody will ask a question that you don’t know how to respond to. A good public speaker will be able to turn a mistake into a triumph, to transform a gaffe into a memorable quote.

Public speaking takes time and it takes practice, but anybody is capable of learning how to do it. It’s not a natural thing, it’s sometime that you have to work on. Anyone can do it. Case in point: look at Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. They are both awkward nerds, neither seems like they would be the life of the party, they are both introverted, and they had to learn the social skills that transformed their small companies into global forces. Microsoft and Facebook would not have gone anywhere if their CEOs didn’t learn the importance of public speaking and reading out loud. Neither are great public speakers, but when they speak they command attention. Not all billionaires can capture your attention like that. They learned the importance on public speaking and put they their skills to good use. Teach yourself how to read in public. Maybe it’s your time to shine now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 28, 2014 · 11:31 am

Shaking a Cup

There’s a lazy bum begging for spare change that I see practically every time I go downtown. I know that he’s lazy because he begs by shaking a cup. He doesn’t have a cardboard sign with anything witty written on it, he doesn’t talk or ask for money in a witty way, all he does is shake a cup in an attempt to entice you to donate. He doesn’t even shake the cup to a beat or make a song out of it. He just sees you approaching and shakes the cup. It’s pathetic, not just because he’s a bum, but because he doesn’t put any effort into his begging at all. He doesn’t even ask if I have any cash, he just shakes a cup. If you want money, then ask me for it. Shaking a cup means nothing to me. Be gone with you.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 27, 2014 · 11:58 am

Repeater

A few nights ago my friend needed a place to crash and I offered him a spot on my couch. He gladly accepted and he came over with a six-pack and a box of Cheez-Its. We cracked open a few, smoked a bowl, and were making idle conversation when he suggested that we watch TV or a movie. We talked about what to watch for a minute before deciding on an episode of South Park. I quickly regretted my decision about watching TV because I found out that he’s a repeater. A repeater is someone who can’t watch anything without repeating back every joke, dramatic line, or memorable quip that a character says. It’s almost as if they are trying to take credit for what just happened on screen. Every single time Cartman said something funny, my friend would repeat it. He didn’t do the Cartman voice, so he wasn’t trying to mimic him. He would just restate everything that Cartman said. It was very bizarre, almost as if he was an alien trying to learn English. I didn’t tell him to shut the fuck up, but I made a mental note to never watch anything with him ever again. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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