Category Archives: Random Rants
February 5, 2015 · 8:13 pm
I’m at that precious age where about half my friends seem to be having kids. That means my Facebook feed is being constantly bombarded with pictures of kids and kid-related stuff posted by proud parents. And let me tell you, there are a lot of posts of crappy kid art. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t look like a dog at all. I wouldn’t have known that it was a dog if it wasn’t labeled as a dog. I’m not impressed. I could draw a dog way better than that. A friend of mine showed off a picture of her daughter’s rainbow. It wasn’t a rainbow at all. It wasn’t arched, it wasn’t layered, and the color scheme was all off. It was just a bunch of differently colored squiggly lines swirled together. A blind person with Parkinson’s disease could draw a better rainbow. Call me old fashioned, but I miss the old days when crappy kid art was confined to the refrigerator.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
February 2, 2015 · 3:35 pm
I live in a major US city with a lot of famous landmarks and points of interest. That means our sidewalks are littered with tourists who see nothing wrong with suddenly stopping while walking to take a picture or admire the scenery. They will be walking at a brisk pace and then stop instantly in the middle of the sidewalk without any warning or indication. You’ll plow right into them if you’re not paying attention. Then the idiot will glare at you and act like it’s your fault that you ran into them. They don’t seem to realize or care that they are the one at fault. They don’t know how to walk, but you’re the one to blame somehow. You shouldn’t be allowed to walk if you have the habit of stopping suddenly. It’s dangerous and stupid. It’s like slamming your brakes on the freeway. You deserve to be crashed into. It’s what you get for being dumb.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 28, 2015 · 8:38 pm
I hate when you think you clicked a link but you didn’t. You’ll be on Facebook and see an interesting link that somebody shared. You click it and wait for it to load. After a couple of seconds you’ll start to realize that something is wrong and nothing is happening. You’ll wait a few more seconds because you don’t want to be impatient. Then it starts to dawn on you that you never double-clicked. You didn’t access the link. You’re waiting for nothing because you didn’t do anything. All you can do is pretend like it didn’t happen and re-click the link. You might want to click it a few times just to be sure. The worst part is that the article is never worth reading. You wasted all that time waiting for it to load for nothing. You’re a few minutes closer to death and you have nothing to show for it. Especially if you were waiting for this article to load. Good job.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 28, 2015 · 8:37 pm
Three years is a long time. That’s most of high school. It’s nothing to scoff at. Today is the three-year anniversary of CriticallyRated.com. I’ve been blogging for three years now. That’s a lot of movies, television shows, books, and random rants to write about and judge. And I’m still going strong. The world gives me a million things to write about everyday. I only write about one or two. There are still billions of more things for me to experience, write about, criticize, and rate. The world is my oyster. This blog is my pearl. It’s where all the things I deal about day to day can be organized, sorted, and categorized. A lot of things in my life have changed over the past three years. I’m glad that CriticallyRated.com is still something that we can all depend on. Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing, and thanks for being so awesome. You’re all beautiful people and I really like your shirt. It matches your eyes.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 27, 2015 · 11:36 pm
April Fool’s Day is rapidly approaching. I know it’s not the end of January yet. I know we still have all of February and all of March. That doesn’t mean that we should neglect our duty to prank everyone and anyone we can. One of the simplest and most timeless pranks is to put Saran Wrap over the toilet. Your victim will use the toilet to either take a piss or take a shit. The Saran Wrap will keep their excrement from being easily flushable. They will do their business and see that it doesn’t go anywhere. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It is. Try it today and see for yourself.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 26, 2015 · 12:45 pm
Snow is special. Every nation on the planet has sunshine and rain, but not everybody gets to experience snow. It’s not a big deal if you grew up with blizzards every winter, but snow becomes an event if you didn’t. You remember the first time you saw snow on a road trip. You made the driver pull over so you could run to the side of the road and pack a brown, muddy snowball to throw at your sister. You remember the first time you looked up at the sky and saw snowflakes falling slowly to the ground. You remember the first time you went sledding, or skiing, or snowboarding. Snow is a burden to people that have to deal with it for months at a time. It’s a miracle if you only see it a few times in your lifetime. Snow is special. So are you.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 25, 2015 · 6:24 pm
Sex is a beautiful thing, a natural part of life. Listening to people having sex is a part of life too, albeit a shitty part of life. You hear groans and grunts, moans and creaking, skin slapping, and heavy panting, and you hope that you don’t sound like that but you know that you do. The worst thing about listening to people having sex is that you’re not getting any. You try your best to ignore it but it’s a futile exercise. You’re going to hear it and it’s going to be slightly awkward when you see them the next day. But we all went to college, and I’m sure we’ve all fooled around when there were other people in the room. It’s kind of funny that we don’t appreciate listening to people having sex but we have no problem with other people hearing us having sex. You want people to know that you’re having sex. One of the perks of getting laid is getting other people jealous that you’re getting laid.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 23, 2015 · 10:13 pm
There are special names for groups of things. It’s a school of fish, a pride of lions, a murder of crows. I propose that we call a bunch of one-dollar bills a wrath of ones. No server or stripper wants to deal with a wad of ones. It’s a hassle. You can’t do much with a dollar today. You have to go to the bank and deposit them on a regular basis. You can only go on so many shopping sprees at the dollar store. Shit gets old after a while. It should be called a wrath of ones because that’s precisely what it is. It’s a curse. It’s why people prefer credit cards over cash.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 22, 2015 · 6:03 pm
Think back to the worst test you ever took in high school. Remember how the teacher handed it back to you folded up so nobody else could see how badly you did. Remember the blow to your gut when you opened it up and saw nothing but red circles and red scribbles all over it, and a big fat red F at the top. Red ink hurts. It has power. And I will use it to my advantage. I think I will invest in a red pen or permanent marker and start editing all the things that bug me. I’m a Grammar Nazi, what can I say? It’s hereditary. My mom’s an English teacher and she instilled a large amount of respect for the language in me. I get annoyed when I see typos and grammatical mishaps. I feel compelled to correct them. It sucks having other people’s stupidity triggering my OCD, but I think a red pen would help relieve my stress.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 21, 2015 · 12:56 pm
I know George Romero. Correction, I know a George Romero. He didn’t direct all those zombie flicks, he just happens to be named George Romero. Everyone knows someone with a famous name. I’m sure you have a friend with the same moniker as a celebrity. You should take advantage of it. Try namedropping and you’ll see how much easier it is to get reservations at a restaurant or to get a table at the club. Feign ignorance if the managers or security gives you shit for it. I said “Zack Efron,” not “Zac Efron.” I can see how you’d be confused, but it’s not my fault my name got famous. It’s still your table even if you duped them into it. Don’t feel too bad.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 19, 2015 · 9:35 pm
I’ve been a server for over nine years now. It pays the bills, it’s a lot of fun, and it’s a source for endless anecdotes. I’ve seen people from all over the world and I thought that I’ve seen it all, but I had a new one the other day. It was a busy Saturday lunch shift and the rush had just ended. I had four tables pay out and leave around the same time. I took the dirty plates and silverware off the table, ran them to the dishwasher, and came back to sweep under the tables. That’s when I discovered a pair of flip-flop sandals left underneath a booth. Someone actually forgot about their footware. He or she got up and walked out of the premises barefoot without noticing a thing. And they didn’t ever come back for them. They just left, said fuck it, and moved on with their day. I don’t know how that’s possible. We’re not talking about a credit card or a cellphone here. It’s very easy to forget those things. It’s damn near impossible to forget your shoes unless you’re Aborigine. You’d think that as soon as you’d walk outside you would realize that something’s wrong. There’s a lesson to be learned in all this: Leaving your sandals at a restaurant will result in a flabbergasted server blogging about it.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 18, 2015 · 3:26 pm
Every now and then the universe decides that I need to have some fun and it rewards me with free tickets. Sometimes I get free concert tickets. Sometimes it’s movie tickets. And everyone knows that I’m a huge SF Giants fan, so I can usually snag free tickets from friends during baseball season. A free ticket is almost always a good thing. It allows you to escape from reality and the mundane for a few hours. You can’t complain about having a bad seat if you got a free ticket. It’s a better view than not being there. And it’s free so you’ll have more money to spend on food, booze, and souvenirs. And if you have extra free tickets, you can scalp those and have even more money for food, booze, and souvenirs. You should accept free tickets whenever the opportunity comes knocking.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 12, 2015 · 3:24 pm
I was watching The Wonder Years and there was a scene with Kevin Arnold passing notes in class. There’s something special about passing notes. You jot something down on piece of paper and pass it over to a friend when the teacher’s back is turned. They write something back while you anxiously await their response. They slyly return it when the teacher’s not looking. It was like texting before there was texting. Hell, it was better than texting. It was more personal, immediate, and thrilling because you could get in trouble for it. And you could save a really good note as a memento or trophy. I don’t know if kids pass notes in class anymore. I’m sure some do, but they probably use their smartphones for the majority of their illegal classroom socializations.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 12, 2015 · 3:23 pm
I was outside and saw a guy walking his dog. It looked like an Australian shepherd. I could tell by the coat and the missing tail. It dawned on me that I’m not a big fan of dogs without tails. All the dogs that I grew up with had tails. Tails are a pretty important part of being a dog. They allow the dog to show emotion. They indicate to stupid humans what a dog is feeling. If the tail is between the legs, the dog is scared. If the tail is wagging, the dog is happy. If the tail is missing, the dog is an enigma. I’m not bashing dogs without tails; I’m saying that I can’t trust them. I’ve met a few dogs without tails and they were perfectly nice for the most part, but I couldn’t tell their motives. It was like it was being a cat, and being a cat defeats the whole purpose of being a dog.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 10, 2015 · 10:06 pm
I was skating down the sidewalk the other day, carving and weaving in and out of the throngs of pedestrians, and just generally being a badass, until I hit a small rock. My wheel locked, I went flying forward, and my board went rolling backwards. Luckily I have the reflexes of a housecat and was able to stop myself from falling. My board was not so lucky. As soon as I regained my footing, I turned around to see my board fifty feet away and it kept on moving. A kind stranger was nice enough to stop my board and give it back to me. I sheepishly accepted it, thanked him, and apologized for the inconvenience. I was pretty relieved that my board didn’t zoom off into the street or plow into a group of old ladies. I consider myself a fairly competent skater, but sometimes sticks, cracks, and rocks get in the way of your momentum. Losing your board from under your feet is never a good feeling. It’s like having your security blanket wrenched away from you when you least expect it. You only have a split second for your reflexes to kick in. Sometimes that’s not enough time to recover. It’s going to happen sooner or later. It comes with the territory.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 8, 2015 · 5:17 pm
I went for a hike the other day. It was a real hike. I went on a trail and everything. I hiked a few miles out then I hiked a few miles back. When I got back to civilization I noticed that there were dozens of little rocks stuck in the treads of my shoes. I don’t like rocks in the bottom of my shoes. I sat down, pulled off my shoe, and used a little stick to poke out all the rocks. Then I did the same to the other shoe. I felt better once all the rocks were out. Picking rocks from the bottoms of your shoes will give you better traction and keep you from scuffing up hardwood floors. It also makes your shoes look better (at least the bottoms of them).
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 7, 2015 · 1:52 pm
I woke up this morning and did my usual routine, which of course involves checking Facebook and seeing what the world is up to. I saw my friend’s feed, on which he posted several images of the Golden Gate Bridge and various San Francisco landmarks with a caption reading, “Great weekend in a great city!” I agreed with his caption, but couldn’t help feel slighted because this friend is from another country and doesn’t come out to California too often. He should have told me he was coming. I would have bought him a beer. It’s a shitty feeling when an old friend visits your city and doesn’t tell you. It makes you feel left out and unwanted. And you are. And there’s no way to get back at them, short of going to their city and posting pictures of their landmarks. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ll just stick to writing passive-aggressive blog posts.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
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