Monthly Archives: November 2014

November 18, 2014 · 6:22 pm

Showing You the Camera Button

I work as a server at popular restaurant in a tourist trap location. As a result, there are some days that I can’t even walk five steps without getting stopped to take a picture of some happy couple or a miserable family. It always happens the same way too. I’ll be heading to work with my headphones in and some guy will kind of flail his arm at me, almost as if he was trying to hail a taxi cab. He will lift up his camera, then gesture back towards his girlfriend/wife and family with a half smile on his face, then look back at you and raise the camera again. That’s usually when I cave in and nod, and he approaches me with the camera and points at the camera button. They always end up showing you the camera button. I know how to take a fucking picture. Everyone knows how to take a fucking picture. You aim the camera at whatever you want to shoot and then you press the button. There’s no need to point out the camera button anymore. It’s 2014. We all have it by now.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2014 · 9:38 pm

Toy in the Cereal Box

One of the best things about childhood was getting a toy in the cereal box. I grew up with three siblings and breakfast time would sometime erupt into a war over who got the toy. It was always a shitty toy made of cheap plastic and it was never something worth paying money for. But it was free and it was there and I wanted it. Actually, I didn’t really want it, I just didn’t want my sister to have it. And she didn’t want me to have it. So we would fight over it until we would get sent to our rooms. The winner was the lucky one who ended up with the toy. That toy became so much more than a toy if you emerged victorious. It became a trophy. It was something that you earned. You would flaunt it around and taunt your siblings with it for a couple of days until the excitement died down. Then a few days after that we would get a new box of cereal and the battle would begin anew. I used to have a whole collection of cereal box toys. I wonder what happened to them. I hope my sister didn’t find them, that fucking cunt.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2014 · 9:37 pm

Twigot

I was talking with a friend the other day and he said that all twins look alike. I told him that it wasn’t true, that he was just perpetuating a stereotype. He was being blatantly racist towards twins, and I wasn’t going to stand for that. I called him out for being a twigot. That’s when somebody is a bigot towards twins. It might not be a real word, but I think it should be because I came up with it. There’s a lot of hate in this world already, there’s no reason for twigotry on any level. I know a lot of twins and I will defend them. Twins are two people, but a lot of folks forget that they are people too. Stand up for them. Stop twigotry now.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2014 · 4:06 pm

Old Spice Bearglove

Bearglove is the newest scent from Old Spice and it is a terrible, terrible idea. Let’s start with the basics. I’m a straight male living in San Francisco. I can’t buy a deodorant called Bearglove without people questioning my sexual orientation. If you don’t know what a bear is, try searching for San Francisco bears and see what comes up. It won’t be pictures of Pablo Sandoval. It’s kind of obvious that Old Spice is trying to be like Axe and recapture the youth market, but they don’t know how to do that. You can tell by their marketing that they are clueless. Axe has an ad campaign centered on young males using their products and having women throwing themselves at them. Axe claims that sluts will sleep with you if you use their product. Meanwhile Old Spice chose to call a scent Bearglove, which is awful similar to Bear Love, and it doesn’t help that the label art depicts two bears almost in a 69 position. That’s not appealing to the right demographic they are trying to get. It’s like targeting straight males with a line of anal condoms called SodoMe. It’s not going to happen. Go back to the drawing boards.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2014 · 4:05 pm

Little Sumpin’ Wild Ale

A Little Sumpin’ Wild Ale is a summer seasonal version of Lagunitas Brewing Company’s Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale. It’s higher gravity, meaning that it has more booze in it. It comes in at around 8.9% alcohol by volume, so it’s a strong brew. It pours a nice golden orange color with a thick white head. The nose is a lot of citrus, spice, cloves, with a hint of bubblegum. It has an interesting taste. They describe it as a Belgian IPA and I can see why. I get a lot of pine and citrus with the spiciness you’d expect from a Belgian Ale. It’s delicious. I wish it was available year round, that’s why I’m not complaining that I found a summer brew in the middle of November. It’s one of my favorite beers from one of my favorite breweries.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2014 · 6:15 pm

Clipping Your Nails in Public

Clipping your nails in public is one of the worst things a human being can do. It’s beyond disgusting. That kind of shit should only take place behind closed doors. Hygiene is important, but nobody wants to see you wipe your ass, nobody wants to see you using a Q-tip, and nobody wants to get one of your nail clippings in their eye. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the sound. That unique click-clack clipping sound causes cringes down my spine. I’ve seen old ladies clipping their nails on the bus. I’ve also yelled at old ladies to stop clipping their nails on the bus. I don’t understand how they think it’s ok to do that. I know I’m supposed to respect my elders, but I can’t respect them if they don’t have any sense of decency. It boggles my mind to know that some people can go through life oblivious to other people. It’s called courtesy. I just wish it was more common.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2014 · 6:13 pm

Connect Four

Connect Four is a game in which two players take turns dropping discs into the vertical playing grid. Whoever gets four of their own discs in a row first wins. You can win horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. It’s a classic game, you’ve probably played it a million times growing up. It’s easy to learn and hard to master. It’s not like chess though, you only play Connect Four every so often. It’s not something that you play every single day so nobody is particularly great at it and the competition is fairly level. If you are really good at Connect Four, you should consider getting a new hobby because you’re fucking lame. This is the kind of game that you play when you have a friend over and the power goes out. Monopoly is too long and it’s way too easy to cheat at Battleship. Connect Four is ideal in this situation. You can play one game, best of three, or have a little tournament. It gets a little competitive sometimes, but nobody takes it too seriously. There’s no glory in winning Connect Four so there’s no shame in losing.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2014 · 12:34 pm

Getting a Check Instead of a Bill

I had to get a root canal a few months ago and my insurance only covered part of the bill, I had to pay the rest out of pocket. I can’t remember how much I had to pay, but it was around four hundred bucks. It wasn’t that bad, but it still put a little dent in my bank account. Life went on. Then I came home to a piece of mail from the endodontist (the guy that does root canals). My heart sank. I thought it was another bill. I sat down and mentally prepared myself for it. I took a breath, ripped open the envelope, and was beyond relieved to see that it wasn’t a bill. It was a check. To me. For seventeen dollars and ten cents. Getting a check instead of a bill is a great feeling. I went from being in debt to being seventeen dollars and ten cents richer in a matter of moments. I don’t know what I will spend my newfound wealth on, but I’m pretty sure it will involve alcohol or food. Hopefully both.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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November 13, 2014 · 12:33 pm

Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts

Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts are peanuts that have been salted and roasted with honey. If you’re going to buy peanuts, you might as well buy Planters. And if you’re buying peanuts from Planters, you might as well get the Honey Roasted ones. They taste the best. You get the delectable combination of sweet and salty with a nice solid crunch. You will get a little residue on your hands, but you can get rid of that with a napkin or wiping your hands on your jeans. Planters is a good brand because their peanuts are consistent. You can tell the difference between Planters and generic brands. Generic brand peanuts are often misshapen or off tasting. Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts are a little more expensive, but it’s worth it for the quality.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2014 · 7:58 pm

Dollar Store

A dollar store is a store where everything costs a dollar or less. They are typically found in malls or in the dodgy part of downtown. Sometimes they are ninety-nine cents stores, sometimes they are dollar plus stores, but they are all basically the same. Most of the merchandise is off-brand or bought at closeout prices. You’ll find cans of food that shouldn’t be canned. You’ll find cheap toothbrushes that you’d be scared to put in your mouth. You’ll find obscure products from countries that don’t exist anymore. You’ll find candy that even your grandma would be ashamed to pass out on Halloween. But you’ll always find a bargain, and that’s why dollar stores exist in the first place.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2014 · 7:57 pm

Bundaberg Lemon Lime & Bitters

Australia’s Bundaberg Brewed Drinks is a company best known for their ginger beer. They also have a whole lineup of genuinely brewed beverages. I’ve previously tried their Guava and enjoyed it. This time I decided to go with something a little bit more traditional so I got Lemon Lime & Bitters. I know that Australians love bitters and I wanted to see what all the fuss is about. It smells like ginger beer with a hint of citrus. That’s pretty much what it tastes like too. It’s like ginger beer mixed with Sprite. The bitters gives it a kick of spice and herbs. It’s pretty good. It would make a great mixer. Throw a little gin in there and garnish it with a lemon or a lime and you’ll have a nice little cocktail.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2014 · 10:25 pm

A Toast

A toast is when you raise your glasses in commemoration of something. You’ll clink your drinking in order to celebrate a special occasion or event. Often times someone will give a short speech in honor of a graduation, promotion, birthday, anniversary, or any old excuse to drink and be merry. You don’t need a reason to get drunk, but it’s nice to have one. Drinking should be a social event and a toast can confirm the comradery. You always have something in your life to be thankful for. Drink to that.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 10, 2014 · 10:09 pm

That Particular View

I was just outside on my balcony smoking a joint and thinking stoney thoughts. It dawned on me as I gazed at all the lights that I was the only one in the city with that particular view. And I realized that every window is special, every vista point is unique. Nobody else sees the city the same way you do. Nobody else will ever see the world through your eyes. That particular view is only for you and you alone. What do you see?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 10, 2014 · 9:23 pm

Finishing Up a Series

Finishing up a series is always bittersweet. There’s a sense of accomplishment in that you finished it, but then you feel a bit empty when it’s over. I remember getting to the last hundred pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and realizing that I was almost done with it. I wouldn’t have any more Harry Potter stories to look forward to once I finished reading it. I wanted to know what happened but I didn’t want it to end. That’s how I feel whenever I reach the end of an epic saga. It doesn’t matter if it’s a series of books, or a TV show, or a movie trilogy. I want it to keep going. There’s a memorable scene in the cult classic Freaks and Geeks where a hippie chick is describing how amazing the Grateful Dead’s American Beauty album is. She says that she wishes she never heard it so that she could hear it again for the first time. There’s nothing quite like the first time you experience something. You can’t go back. You can only find something new.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2014 · 6:19 pm

The Personalities in Every Group of Friends

It seems like every group of friends has the same stereotypes. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, we all have the same types of friends. Some of the personalities might overlap, but they are all represented.

There’s the leader. He (or she) is the most popular one. He’s the glue that keeps the group together. It’s not an event if he’s not there. He’s your best friend but you’re not necessarily his. He’s too busy to have just one.

There’s the funny one. He’s the one constantly cracking jokes and keeping everyone entertained. No party is complete without him. It’s hard to take him seriously, but he makes the group fun to be with.

Every group has its oddball, the weird one who doesn’t quite fit in. He’s the scapegoat, the butt of all the jokes, but he’s still integral to the group. He’s Screech and you keep him around to blame when shit goes wrong.

There’s the intimidator. He’s the one that gets the group in trouble. He’s the rowdy one, the one that instigates fights with other groups. He’s kind of a bully but he’s fiercely loyal to the group, and he’s always willing to take a punch for you.

You have the slutty one. This is the one that hooks up with the most people. He gets around and you live vicariously through him. He’s never in a relationship but he always has somebody to fuck. He makes for a good wingman, so long as he doesn’t want the one that you want.

There’s the occasional. He’s like an alternate. He’s there for some events and he’s not missed for others. He’s a social butterfly and always has another group or groups of friends that he brings together when it’s time to party.

There’s always a nerd. The nerd is the smart one that everyone exploits. He’s not that fun to hang out with, but he’s always down to help you with homework or file your taxes. You kind of use him, but he’s willing to be used as long as he’s part of the group.

The mover is an important member. This is the guy that always comes up with something to do. He finds the obscure events and gets the group involved. He plans parties and outings and always has a connection for tickets or clubs.

You have to have a sympathetic friend. The one that listens to everyone and dispenses the best advice. He’s the one that you can always rely on when you need somebody’s help. He’s there to help you move, he’s there to pick you up from the airport, and he’s there when you need to vent.

Each group has a downer, the one that bitches and complains and brings everyone down. He’s part of the group, but barely. Nobody really likes him but they keep him around for one reason or another. Maybe he has a cool car, maybe he has a family cabin that he lets everyone use.

So that’s my list of the personalities in every group of friends. Which one are you?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
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November 9, 2014 · 6:18 pm

Xocoveza Mocha Stout (beer)

San Diego’s Stone Brewing Co. is one of the best microbreweries in America and their Xocoveza Mocha Stout is just one of many reasons why. The recipe was created by a guy named Chris Banker and it was good enough to win a homebrewing competition. Stone took his recipe and collaborated with Mexico’s Cervezería Insurgente to bring Xocoveza Mocha Stout to the masses. This is one of the best stouts that I’ve ever had. It has a rich aroma, full of cocoa, coffee, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, and toasted malts. It tastes even better than it smells. I get coffee, chocolate, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe some cloves, and there’s a little bit of heat on the finish because they brew it with chili peppers. Chris Banker says that he was inspired to create a beer version of Mexican hot chocolate. He succeeded spectacularly. This is a very drinkable beer, even with the 8.1% alcohol content. It warms you up and leaves you wanting more. Too bad it’s a limited batch and it’s hard to find. I was lucky enough to get in on draft. I would definitely grab a few bottles to hoard if I come across any in a liquor store.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2014 · 9:20 pm

Gluten-Free

I’ve been serving tables for about nine years now and I’ve noticed the increasing trend in people pretending to be gluten-free. That’s fucking bullshit. Jimmy Kimmel did a survey and he discovered that most people who claim to be gluten-free don’t even know what gluten is. It’s just hip to be gluten-free I guess. A few years ago everyone was doing the Atkins Diet because carbs were bad. Now anything associated with wheat is evil. I know approximately two people that are genuinely allergic to wheat. They’ve adapted to a world of Wheat Thins and Wonder Bread. They know what products contain wheat. They know what they can eat and what they can’t eat. All the people jumping aboard the Gluten-Free Bandwagon have no clue what they can eat or can’t eat. They only want to impress people by having picky eating habits. They just end up making servers go out of their way to accommodate them. You say you’re gluten-free? I’m going to slip you a crouton and see if you’re telling the truth. You should have an EpiPen if you’re really allergic.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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