Monthly Archives: September 2013

September 21, 2013 · 9:47 am

Spree (candy)

Spree is a candy that is manufactured by the delightful Willy Wonka. Not the real Wonka, the candy company that owes its entire existence to Roald Dahl. They are brightly colored, semi-fruit-flavored dextrose candies. They taste vaguely like Cherry, Orange, Lemon, Apple, or Grape. There are Original Spree (which you suck on) and there are also Chewy Spree (which you chew on). Just don’t mix them up because you could break a tooth by accident. They really aren’t that good, but I will get them every once in a while simply because I haven’t gotten them in a while. I probably wouldn’t notice if Spree disappeared tomorrow, but I would be kind of sad when I finally noticed a few years later.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2013 · 8:43 pm

Speakeasy Butchertown Black Ale

Butchertown Black Ale is a limited release brew from San Francisco’s Speakeasy Ales & Lagers, one of the better microbreweries in the city by the bay. It’s full flavored American Black Ale, full of malty and hoppy goodness. I can really taste the malt and piney hops, and it has a bit of a burnt smokey flavor as well. The Speakeasy brewmaster says that flavors of grapefruit, pine, currants and red wine come through before overturning to a malt depth intricacy of dark, toasted bread, pumpernickel, subtle notes of dark fruits and hints of dark chocolate, tobacco and leather. Try as I might, I can’t taste the leather and that’s probably a good thing. I think a lot of people would be put off by the bold taste, especially if you usually drink Bud or Coors. But if you like microbrews, this is a great choice. It’s 8.2% alcohol, a fairly typical amount for a good microbrewed ale. It has a cool name too. It was inspired by San Francisco’s Butchertown district where they used to slaughter livestock back in the day. Now it’s where the Speakeasy brewery stands. It’s worth buying. Look for the beer with a picture of a happy cow on the bottle. I don’t know why the cow is so happy. It’s almost as if it doesn’t know that it’s the mascot for a beer named after a slaughterhouse district.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2013 · 8:40 pm

Broken Showerhead

I have a broken showerhead. It sucks because I rely on showers to wake up in the morning. No showerhead means no shower. The hot water works fine. The bathtub part works fine. But the water refuses to come out of the showerhead. All I get is a trickle and a trickle isn’t enough to do anything. I’ve been resorted to using plastic cups to get clean. I’ll fill up a couple of cups and use it to shampoo my hair and to lather up, then use it to rinse off. It’s not satisfying but it’s effective. I get clean but it’s not enjoyable. And taking a shower is half hygienic and half leisure, so I’m not getting the full experience. It kind of sucks. Actually, it really sucks. I rely on showers. Baths don’t do anything for me and neither do cups of hot water.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 19, 2013 · 7:14 pm

A Homeless Guy Rollerblading

I got home late last night and got off my train a few stop early to stop by the store. I got some beer and some food and started walking home. I heard the familiar click-clacking sound of polyurethane wheels rolling over cement and turned around expecting to see a skateboarder, and was quite surprised to see a homeless guy rollerblading past me. First off, I wasn’t expecting to see a rollerblader, and there was no way in hell that I could have possible guessed that it would be a bum on wheels. But there he was, gliding by me with the grace of Kristi Yamaguchi. Not only was he graceful, he was good too. He was doing tricks and jumps and skating backwards and bombing down short hills. It’s good to know that you can still have a moment of joy when you don’t have anything else.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 19, 2013 · 6:55 pm

Helados Mexico Fresa

Helados Mexico Fresa is a creamy and fruity premium ice cream bar from south of the border. It’s technically called a paleta, which is a Latin American ice pop made from fresh fruit (strawberry in this case). I don’t have the patience to lick and suck and savor popsicles, so I just bit directly into this one to experience a full blast of flavor. It was decidedly underwhelming in the taste department. I was expecting it to be bursting with strawberry flavor, but it had more of a milky/creamy flavor. I bought it because I thought it would taste like strawberries. It didn’t. I would say it is 70% cream and only 30% strawberries. It’s not bad, but it’s not great and it definitely wasn’t what I expected or wanted it to be. It was kind of disappointing, and you should never be disappointed with your dessert. There are better strawberry popsicles out there (ones that actually taste like strawberries). Nice try Mexico, but your frozen treats aren’t welcome here. We are now only accepting bottles of Coke and Corona.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 18, 2013 · 11:45 pm

Shooting Rubber Bands at People

Rubber bands are useful for a lot of things. They hold produce together. You can use them to seal up a plastic bag. You can make a rubber band ball. You can keep your hair out of your face. But the best thing to do is to shoot them at other people. You wrap it around your fingers and thumb, take aim, and let that fucker fly. Try to aim for the chest, because it sucks when you get someone in the eye. They get blinded and you feel bad for a few days. But shooting rubber bands at people is not something to ignore. You have to do it. It’s a compulsion, an obligation to weaponize mundane objects. It’s the American way.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 18, 2013 · 11:35 pm

Eavesdropping

Eavesdropping is the auditory equivalent of people watching, only you are secretly listening in on their conversation instead of discretely looking at them. It works really well if you have headphone in without any music playing. People have loose tongues if they think that nobody is paying attention. They say that the world is full of assholes and idiots. Eavesdropping confirms that. You shouldn’t speak unless it’s worth saying. Most of the things you hear are stupid and trivial, but occasionally you overhear some interesting tidbits or juicy gossip, and that’s reason enough to keep eavesdropping. The most important thing to remember about eavesdropping is keeping yourself from butting in. You’re just listening to the conversation; you aren’t a part of it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 17, 2013 · 12:20 pm

Helping a Little Old Lady

I was waiting for the bus last week, and it finally pulled up, stopped, and opened the doors. Common courtesy requires that you wait for the other passengers to get off before you get on, and so I waited as a little old lady came scuffling up to the exit. She was going at a snail’s pace, seemingly in slow motion, and it was keeping the other passengers from boarding. So I stepped up onto the bus and the driver instantly snapped and started yelling at me, “LET THE PEOPLE OFF FIRST!” I gave him a dirty look, kept on climbing up, approached the little old lady, and offered her my arm. She gratefully took it and thanked me, and together we steadily made our way to the exit. Once she was safely off the bus, I paid for my fare and got my transfer from the driver, and I could tell he felt like an asshole for assuming that I was just a punk trying to shove my way onto the bus. There were a dozen people around that were perfectly content with watching a little old lady struggle because it’s not their problem. I can’t do that. If I see a problem, if I’m aware of it, it becomes my problem. I can’t change the world, but helping a little old lady is a start.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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September 17, 2013 · 11:43 am

Monopoly (game)

Every single household in the world has a set of Monopoly. Every family’s house, every single person’s apartment, every college dorm, every cabin, every teepee, every igloo… virtually every single dwelling imaginable has at least one a set of Monopoly. Everyone has the regular classic version or a themed version. I have 2 sets of Monopoly in my apartment. One regular set and one with a Planet Earth theme. We have never played either one and they are both still unopened. I think they came with the house. And even though we never play it and never plan on it, every couple of months someone will suggest a game night, and Monopoly is always the first suggestion and the first rejection. Nobody has time for a complete game of Monopoly. I think the first game is still being played somewhere. The only way to win the game is to cheat, and the best way to cheat is to be the banker. And nothing destroys relationships faster than a corrupt game of Monopoly.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 16, 2013 · 12:25 pm

Shit Talking

Everybody talks shit about everyone. You talk shit about your friends and they talk shit about you. They still love you and you still love them, but they will start analyzing your flaws the second you walk out of the room and they will make fun of your shirt for good measure. It’s human nature. We are all assholes but we pretend not to be. That’s why most shit talking is done behind your back and behind closed doors. You know that people talk shit about you, but you really don’t want to know what they are saying. Ignorance is bliss, right? Don’t it too personally because you know that you talk shit too and you don’t want to be a hypocrite. I’m not saying that shit talking is a good thing. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. I’m just saying that it’s a thing that you have to deal with, so you might as well get used to it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 16, 2013 · 12:03 pm

Ocean Spray 100% Pineapple Peach Mango Juice Blend

Ocean Spray is primarily known for their cranberries and cranberry juices. But they’ve delved into other juice blends too. Juice blends like Pineapple Peach Mango. It’s a refreshing tropical juice medley made with pineapple juice concentrate, mango juice concentrate, peach puree concentrate, apple juice concentrate, and grape juice concentrate. That’s five concentrated fruits, which makes for a very focused juice. Ocean Spray 100% Pineapple Peach Mango Juice Blend is a solid alternative to orange juice. It’s a great breakfast beverage, especially on a hot day. It would also make a pretty good mixer for gin or vodka. Alcohol makes everything better.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 15, 2013 · 6:49 pm

Short Girls with Tall Guys

They say that opposites attract, but there’s something creepy about short girls with tall guys. She looks like a little girl and he looks like a pedophile. If the girl says that she doesn’t have daddy issues, she’s obviously lying. Short girls should go out with short guys. I’m not saying that because I’m a short guy. I’m just saying that because it makes sense. We can all agree that the guy should be the taller one in the relationship… and all these short girls going for tall guys is really disturbing the dating pool for short guys. We can’t compete with tall guys. They stretch things out and turn that that cave into a cavern (That’s a really fucked up joke. I hope you appreciate it).

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 15, 2013 · 12:36 pm

Rolo

Rolo is a candy. It has nothing to do with YOLO. Let’s just get that out of the way. A Rolo is a soft chewy caramel covered with milk chocolate. It’s simple, sweet, and delicious. They are packed in a tube, with each bite-sized piece stacked upon each other. It’s not as satisfying as a Snickers bar. You eat one Rolo and you want another one and then another one. It’s good, but you’re never content. That’s how they get you. You just keep popping them into your mouth until they’re all gone. And you don’t really care when they are gone. You should be mad when you run out of candy. But you’re indifferent when you run out of Rolo. They are decent candies, but nobody would ever notice if Rolo was taken off the market tomorrow.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 14, 2013 · 8:58 am

People Who Can Sleep Anywhere

I don’t trust people who can sleep anywhere and anytime. There’s just something suspicious about it. There’s a whole process and routine behind going to bed. You get dressed for bed, you brush your teeth, and you read a book or watch TV or listen to music as you drift off to sleep, then you crash hard for 6-8 hours and wake up in the morning. That’s what normal people do. But some people disrupt the universe by falling asleep in random places at random times and I don’t understand how they do it. My friend can fall asleep no matter what is going on. She can be at a party, at a sporting event, on a plane, on a goddamned jet ski and just close her eyes and start sleeping. It’s unbelievable; I don’t know how she does it. She can be surrounded by a thousand people with music blasting and lights blaring and simply close her eyes, shut it all out, and start snoozing. We will all be getting ready to go out, and when the cab finally shows up, she will be sprawled out on sofa completely comatose. It’s not right and it’s not fair. I have to grab a Red Bull if I’m tired. I just can’t do naps.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 14, 2013 · 8:55 am

Camel Crush

I’m not really a smoker. A cigarette smoker. But sometimes I will buy a pack and I don’t care what kind I get. I don’t care about the brand, I don’t care if they are cloves, regular cigarettes, or menthols. The other day I bummed a cigarette off a friend, and he happened to carrying a pack of Camel Crush. They are cigarettes with a mentholated capsule in the filter. So you light the cigarette, take a few drags, and then you crush the filter and you suddenly have a menthol. It’s a hybrid, it’s a mutant, and it’s the future. I didn’t even know they had that kind of cigarette technology. I’m not saying that you should smoke, but you really can’t go wrong with Camel Crush is you’re an amateur like me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 13, 2013 · 11:03 pm

Girl on LSD by Tom Petty

Another unreleased Tom Petty gem about drugs and girls.

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September 13, 2013 · 11:01 pm

You Get Me High by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Here is one of my favorite unreleased Tom Petty songs, perfect for setting a chill mood.

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