Monthly Archives: May 2013

May 6, 2013 · 10:29 am

Drunk Me

Drunk Me is kind of a jerk. Not to other people but to his sober counterpart. Drunk Me doesn’t seem to respect Sober Me much at all. Drunk Me likes to spend a lot of money on beer and cabs because he thinks it’s hilarious when Sober Me wakes up without any money to go out for breakfast. Drunk Me has a habit of leaving my keys or wallet in some ridiculously obscure spot, like in a to-go box in the fridge so that Sober Me can embark on a frantic scavenger hunt. Drunk Me also likes to open a new beer, take a few sips, and then put it down somewhere and forget about it, so that Sober Me has something else to deal with. Drunk Me likes to forget to set an alarm or neglects to charge my phone so that I’m stressed out and scrambling around in the morning. Drunk Me only cares about himself and the moment. He does whatever he wants to because he knows that Sober Me will be the one to face the consequences. Drunk Me has fun, Sober Me has responsibilities. Guess which one I prefer to be.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 6, 2013 · 10:27 am

Double Knot

Safety comes first, so I always double knot my laces. A double knot is when you tie your shoelace loops together to keep them from getting untied. I ride a longboard around town, and double knotting my shoes is like wearing a helmet or elbow pads. It keeps me safe even though I might look like a fool.  A double knot is like insurance, it’s something that you invest in, it’s preventing an accident. The last thing you want is a loose shoelace when you’re bombing down a hill at thirty miles per hour. A double knot is the grownup’s equivalent of wearing Velcro straps. It’s just another way of ensuring that your shoe will stay on your foot no matter what. A double knot can save your life. Don’t knock it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 5, 2013 · 11:43 am

Forgetting Something On Your List

It’s your day off and you finally have a chance to go to the store and catch up on errands. You write down a few essential supplies and then start shopping. You’re flying up and down the aisles, mentally crossing off each item as it enters the cart. Then you casually glance over your list one last time before you pay the cashier and head home. You start unloading your bags and realize that something is missing. You forgot to pick up something vital, one of the main reasons you went to the store. I call it the BLT Law because whenever I go to the store to get stuff for BLTs I come home with the bacon, lettuce and tomatoes, but no bread. I always forget the bread. Forgetting something on your list defeats the whole purpose of making a list. You wrote it down so that you wouldn’t forget it. But you still forgot it. Now you get to go all the way back to the store. Don’t you feel like a winner?

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 5, 2013 · 11:36 am

Unload Some Ones

I’m a server and a bartender so I rely on tips to make a living. I leave each shift with a pocket full of cash. I prefer to keep larger bills like hundreds, fifties, and twenties, but some days I’m stuck with a bunch of fives and ones. I live in San Francisco… small denomination bills are about as practical as a pocketful of change. You can’t buy anything with a dollar. Even the bums will call you a cheapskate for dropping a buck in their pity cup. Whenever I’m stuck with a wad of ones, I head to my local liquor store and tell him that I’m going to unload some ones on him. The cashier is usually grateful because they’re always low on one-dollar bills. Every once in a while they don’t need them, so it’s a good idea to ask the cashier if he wants them. It also takes a while to count it out, so pick your moments. Don’t do it when there’s a line of customers. You don’t want to be a dick. Most of the time the cashier will accept them with a smile and you’ll leave with a lighter pocket. Everybody wins.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 4, 2013 · 9:56 am

The Seagulls at AT&T Park

AT&T is the home of the San Francisco Giants and about a thousand fucking seagulls. The seagulls seem to have some sort of ESP because they always know when the game is almost over. It doesn’t matter if it’s a day game or a night game, or the first or last game of a home stand, they’ll always show up around the 7th or 8th inning. You’ll see one, than a few, than it’s suddenly like a Hitchcock movie and the sky is filled with the motherfuckers. They start flying around looking for food and shitting on people. It’s pretty nerve-wracking (not to mention distracting) and it makes you want to bring an umbrella for protection from aerial bombardments. The seagulls can even sense extra innings somehow. It’s kind of amazing how aware they can be. I love everything about AT&T Park, it’s one of the best stadiums in the world but the seagulls are definitely a nuisance. You can’t enjoy the game if you’re worried about being shat on. Maybe they can have a BB gun giveaway and solve the problem once and for all.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 4, 2013 · 9:53 am

Ice Cream Cake

Cake is good but it also causes a lot of debate about which type of cake is the best. Some people like the classics like carrot cake or cheesecake, while others prefer red velvet or Tiramisu. There are a lot of cakes out there. There are a lot of options. But nothing beats ice cream cake. As soon as people start the next cake debate, all you have to do is mention ice cream cake and everyone will shut up in agreement. Ice cream cake is the ultimate dessert. It is just what it sounds like: cake made out of ice cream. It combines two of the best desserts of all time into one holy super dessert. Ice cream cake is a rare treat. You only see it on special occasions, like a going away party or for a Bar Mitzvah. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish everyday was another day for ice cream cake. I think the world would be a better place.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 3, 2013 · 8:54 am

Muni

Muni is the nickname for the San Francisco Municipal Railway, the public transportation system for San Francisco. It sucks. It can’t run on time. They say your train is three minutes away, two minutes away, a minute away, arriving… but then there’s no train and then it says its coming in three minutes, two minutes, a minute, arriving, and then that one disappears too. That’s not bad service. That’s fucking lying. You said the train was coming and it didn’t. It’s like that friend who said he would give you a ride to work and then he doesn’t show up when he said he would, so you call him and he says that he’s five minutes away. Five minutes come and go and so you call him so see how far away he is, and he tells you he’ll be there in five minutes. And those five minutes comes and goes, and then another five minutes, and you call him again and he says that he’s four minutes away. And you don’t believe him, but you have to wait for him because he’s your ride. Muni is that asshole friend that has no concept of time.

Wikipedia says that Muni is the 7th largest fleet in the US and is dead last in commute time. That’s not something to be proud of. When your average speed is only 8.1 mph and the city you serve is only 7 miles by 7 miles, you’ve pretty much failed. Muni sucks because it is unreliable and it treats their customers like they are scum. One time I missed the last bus to my house but they refused to give me back my two dollars. They can’t just refund your money; you have to fill out paper work. That’s the exact opposite of customer service. If you pay for a service and they don’t deliver, you shouldn’t have to pay. Muni is like a vampire, it will suck you dry. First they take your soul, then they take your money. The best way to fix Muni? Make the people that run it have to rely on it. Then marvel as the shit finally runs on time.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 3, 2013 · 8:52 am

Beer Koozie

A beer koozie is a piece of foam or fabric that wraps around your beer and helps keeps it insulated. If you like cold beer and want it to stay cold longer, you might want to invest in a couple of koozies. They keep the beer cold by keeping your body temperature and sunlight from infiltrating the bottle or can. You’ll always know which beer is yours if you have a custom koozie. For example, I have a San Francisco Giants beer koozie so I can always find my beer when I set it down. And it also repels Dodger fans, which is always a plus. You might feel like a bit of a redneck the first time you use a beer koozie. That’s not a setup for a joke, it’s a warning. You’ll probably feel like white trash. Relax… you’re only white trash if you bring your koozie to a restaurant. Leave the koozie at home.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 2, 2013 · 9:53 am

Gentleman by Psy

You failed at 2012 if you don’t know who Psy is. He’s the K-pop sensation who brought us Gangnam Style. It currently is the number one YouTube video of all time with over 1.571 billion views. That’s an absurd amount of views. How do you come up with a follow-up single to something so successful? I don’t know, but Psy manages to do that with his new single Gentleman. It’s just as catchy with a funnier video and zanier dance moves. It’s already set a few YouTube records like most views in the first 24 hours, most views in a 24-hour period, and the fastest to get to 100 million and 200 million views. That’s a lot of momentum and only time will tell if it becomes more popular than Gangnam Style. Nobody ever thought that Avatar would surpass Titanic though. Psy is a genius. His songs get stuck in your head and you can’t help but sing along even though you have no idea what he’s saying. Every now and then you hear some broken English and you sing that part really loud. You can tell that he’s having fun and that’s important. Gangnam Style was an unintentional viral sensation, and now he’s specifically trying to recreate the magic to avoid being called a one hit wonder. You’d think he would be stressed out. But instead he’s genuinely enjoying himself and it comes through in his work. The guy is an entertainer and I’m definitely entertained.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 2, 2013 · 9:51 am

Red Bull – The Silver Edition

Red Bull has three new special flavors out: the Blue, Red, and Silver Editions. The Blue Edition is blueberry flavored, the Red Edition is cranberry flavored, and the Silver Edition is lime flavored. Because limes are silver. I don’t know why they wouldn’t just make a Green Edition instead, that would make more sense. I guess silver looked cooler on the shelf and they couldn’t think of a silver fruit so they settled on lime, because why the hell not? It’s a very clean looking can, which compliments the crisp flavor of the energy drink inside. If you’re a vodka and Red Bull person, I think this is the Red Bull for you. It would make an awesome mixer. It’s also good for when you need a quick pick-me-up and your crack dealer isn’t answering his phone. If you like Red Bull, you’ll like this.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 1, 2013 · 11:13 am

Cleaning Up After a Party

My favorite type of party is a house party. It’s more casual, it’s more comfortable, and it’s usually more fun than going to the bar (not to mention way cheaper). A few people cook or bring food, most people bring booze, and everyone gets hammered. You laugh and eat and drink and have a good time. But time has a way of slogging on and soon the party will be over, everyone will go home and you will be left with a mess. The best way to handle cleaning up after a party is to acknowledge that your house is trashed and you are too. Then you drink another beer and deal with it in the morning. You have to break down the job into smaller tasks. Gather up all the bottles and cans first, then go around with a garbage bag and get all the random trash and used condoms off the ground (it’s not a party without a used condom), do the dishes, move the furniture back into place, then you can wipe down the counters and spray everything with Lysol. Throwing a party is fun, cleaning up after is a bitch. But at least you get to keep all the extra beers that everyone left behind.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 1, 2013 · 11:10 am

Saving Old Texts

I have a habit of saving old texts. I’m not really saving them, I’m just lazy so I never delete them. And I have an iPhone so it stores all my conversations with all of my friends. It’s like a time machine. I can see the last time I talked to friends that are no longer with us. I can see what we used to talk about and the random pictures we sent each other, and even though they’ve passed on, I can still pretend like they’re here. I occasionally glance over conversations with ex-girlfriends from time to time. They are like badly written mini romance novels… you see how the courtship started, you see it getting hot and heavy, and you see it start to falter before it explodes into a thousand pieces, and then you see the awkward transition from being in a relationship to forming a new tentative friendship. I can look up old jokes or bring up funny cat pictures that somebody sent me four years ago. I can also view the last time I talked to an old friend, it’s a reminder to keep in touch with people you can’t see everyday. Saving old texts might be viewed as hoarding to some people, but I don’t see anything wrong with holding on to memories. What we did made us who we are.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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