Tag Archives: sober

O’Douls

I’ve been drinking a lot lately and my girlfriend was kind enough to point it out, so I told her I would put down the bottle for a few days. Yesterday was the first day of my temporary sobriety. All I could think about was how nice it would be to go to the bar and watch the baseball game after work, but then I remembered I wasn’t drinking. But then I remembered that non-alcoholic beer is a thing. So I went to the bar and ordered an O’Doul’s with a chilled glass.

The bartender came back with an O’Doul’s Amber. I didn’t even know they had an amber, I’ve only seen the one in the green bottles. I poured the beer into my glass and admired its reddish hue and slightly hoppy aroma. It looked like beer. I took a sip. It tasted like an amber, a little rich and sweet with a slight hoppy finish. It had good mouthfeel. I sat there watching the game and making small talk with the other barflies and it felt like any other day at the bar. I just wasn’t getting drunk.

I had one more O’Doul’s Amber before I left the bar. The evening was still young so I got a six pack of the original O’Doul’s on the way home. The regular O’Doul’s is more like a lager. It’s mild with a slightly dry finish. I normally drink IPAs so it tastes very bland to me, but I still felt like I was drinking beer.

O’Doul’s is not fully free from alcohol. It’s less than .5% alcohol by volume. Kombucha is anywhere from .5% to 2% for comparison. They brew O’Doul’s like a regular beer and then they distill the alcohol out without heating or cooking the beer. That helps to retain the flavor profile. It’s not perfect. It’s like eating meatless chicken. It’s almost like the real deal but something is missing. It’s still a good way to wean yourself off alcohol. I say that as I’m currently enjoying my second six pack in two days. It definitely helps keep me distracted from real beer and my typical morning hangover.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sober as a Button

I have a friend who recently got fired from his job at a restaurant. He got the boot because he showed up to work extremely hungover and still slightly drunk. He looked like shit, felt like shit, and the managers asked him to go home. They called him an hour later and told him that he wasn’t welcome back. It’s kind of bullshit because practically everyone in the restaurant industry has worked drunk at one time or another, but that’s besides the point. Well, I’m not sure I have a point really. I was only trying to tell you all an anecdote. I’m going to get back to that now.

So anyway, later on that day a bunch of us were at the bar celebrating Saturday night and my friend joined us. He was telling us his side of the story, downplaying how intoxicated he really was. Someone asked him if he was still drunk when he showed up to work. “No,” he said, “I was sober as a button.”

We all smirked, laughed, and did a double-take. I told him that I was pretty sure he just made up that expression. He was adamant that it was an actual expression. We Googled it. It’s not. Well, some people have said it in the past, but the majority of the internet doesn’t accept it as a real idiom. You can be cute as a button or sober as a judge, but you can’t be sober as a button. Then my friend reminded me that buttons don’t drink. Fuck, he’s right about that. We ended up agreeing that it wasn’t a valid expression but you could still be technically sober as a button.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drunk Me

Drunk Me is kind of a jerk. Not to other people but to his sober counterpart. Drunk Me doesn’t seem to respect Sober Me much at all. Drunk Me likes to spend a lot of money on beer and cabs because he thinks it’s hilarious when Sober Me wakes up without any money to go out for breakfast. Drunk Me has a habit of leaving my keys or wallet in some ridiculously obscure spot, like in a to-go box in the fridge so that Sober Me can embark on a frantic scavenger hunt. Drunk Me also likes to open a new beer, take a few sips, and then put it down somewhere and forget about it, so that Sober Me has something else to deal with. Drunk Me likes to forget to set an alarm or neglects to charge my phone so that I’m stressed out and scrambling around in the morning. Drunk Me only cares about himself and the moment. He does whatever he wants to because he knows that Sober Me will be the one to face the consequences. Drunk Me has fun, Sober Me has responsibilities. Guess which one I prefer to be.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drinking With Someone Who Doesn’t Drink

I went out to the baseball game the other day. It was my first game of the season and I was meeting up with an old friend. Our pact was simple: You buy the tickets and I’ll buy the beer. Naturally I was going to get inebriated. Gameday rolls around and we meet up at the stadium. I buy the first round, and I finish my beer before he’s even halfway done. So I bought another beer and finished it as he finished his first. I offered to buy another round and he said no. So I bought another beer for myself mostly because we had to kill time before first pitch. It was a hot day too, and I don’t need much of an excuse to crack a brew. It took until my fourth beer to realize that I was drinking with someone who doesn’t drink. I suddenly felt sloppy and like an alcoholic. But then I looked and noticed that the line for Budweiser was longer than the line for hot dogs and realized that he was the weird one, not me. Props for having restraint and self-control, but I’d prefer a few bottles of suds over soda any day of the week. Drinking with someone who doesn’t drink is ok as long as they don’t judge you and as long as you don’t judge them. It’s like eating a burger in front of a vegetarian; you don’t talk about how amazing it is because they don’t want to hear about it.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Being More Sober Than Your Designated Driver

People like to drink. People like to pretend that they are responsible. Sometimes they will designate a designated driver, sometimes someone will volunteer to be the designated driver.  It is hard to be in a public situation with tons of drunk people and refrain from having a few drinks. It’s understandable if the designated driver has a few, so long as they don’t get too drunk. But sometimes they do. Sometimes you end up being more sober than you designated driver. All you can do is suck it up and buckle your seatbelt and be glad you’re not in the driver’s seat. If he crashes, it’s his fault, I just wanted a ride.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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