Monthly Archives: October 2012

October 6, 2012 · 9:50 am

Anyways

“Anyways” isn’t a word. It’s “anyway”. It’s shorter and easier to say and write. We like dumbing down words, not making them longer. We abbreviate “at” with “@”. “Okay” became “O.K.” and then “OK” and now we just say “K”. So why are you adding letters to words and making them non-words? The only time it’s ok to use “anyways” in a sentence is when you’re telling someone that they are an idiot for using “anyways” in a sentence. Don’t let the grammar nazis catch you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 5, 2012 · 9:50 am

Crossfaded

Crossfaded is when you are drunk and stoned at the same time. Being drunk is fun. Being stoned is fun. Put the two together and it’s a great time. Just be weary of the spins. You will be ok if you start smoking before drinking. It’s when you’re a few drinks in and you smoke a blunt that makes the world start spinning. Pace yourself and socialize. Enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fog. Enjoy life and being alive. Crossfaded. Everyone’s doing it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2012 · 9:59 am

Craving Food and Being Disappointed

Your stomach is growling and it is time to eat. But you can’t settle for just anything. You have a craving for a certain sandwich from a specific spot and nothing else will suffice. You start telling yourself how perfect the sandwich will be, you start hyping it up, and your craving becomes a requirement. You go down to the deli, you order your sandwich and a drink, find a spot to sit, take off the wrapper, and take out your sandwich. You take a picture of it and post it to Facebook. Now you can finally take a bite.

As you take that first bite and start to chew, you realize that something’s wrong. This isn’t the orgasmic experience you were expecting. This sandwich was supposed to change the world, but it just tastes bland. Craving food and being disappointed with it is a letdown. It makes you question your judgment. How can you trust your future cravings? What if you lie to yourself again and you’re stuck with another shitty sandwich?

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2012 · 9:33 am

The Roach

The butt end of a joint or a blunt is typically called the roach. It’s the harshest part of the joint. It has the most resin and tar and tastes like cardboard if you use a crutch. Some people throw it away. Some people keep it to smoke later. Some people leave it lying around in tribute to Bob Marley or some other dead stoner. You know that I smoke that shit. It’s a crime to waste weed, not to smoke it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2012 · 10:31 am

A Walk in the Park

I am lucky enough to live next to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, one of the best parks in the world. It’s bigger than NYC’s Central Park. That means it is better. Popularity and politics aside, if you are lucky enough to live close to a park too, I suggest that you take some time and enjoy a walk in the park. You’ll experience fresh air and sunshine. You’ll see birds and squirrels and trees and flowers and be reminded that Nature is a real thing and not just something you see on the Discovery Channel.

It’s good to be out in open space, standing on grass and dirt rather than concrete and trash. Sometimes you forget about nature when you live in a city. A walk in the park makes you remember that your roots are in caves, not in cubicles. And going outside is free entertainment. Appreciate it and take advantage of it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2012 · 10:28 am

Listening to Someone Eat

Have you ever had the displeasure of listening to someone eat when you’re not eating? It’s a form of torture. You’re in a quiet room with one other person and all you can hear is them eating. It’s subtle at first, but the constant lip smacking, soft grunts, and heavy nasal breathing are getting louder and louder and more and more disgusting. He sounds like a troll as he sinks he teeth into his sandwich and the sickening sounds of sloppy mastication makes you get up and leave the room. You know he’s not trying to be rude, but he’s making you lose your appetite as he satisfies his. And you would be totally justified in stabbing him in the throat with a fork.  Listening to someone eat is like hearing your parents have sex. You know that it happens, you just don’t want to be there when it does.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2012 · 3:37 am

Naps

Some people love taking naps. I never got into them. I would just pretend to fall asleep during designated naptimes in preschool and kindergarten. I can’t even take naps when travelling. I just can’t force myself to sleep. The daytime is for running around and doing random things, not for sleeping.

Sometimes you have to take a nap. You got up too early, or you started drinking too early, or maybe there’s something happening later that night. There’s nothing wrong with taking the occasional siesta, but I feel weird when I take a nap. I wake up disorientated and have to remind myself what day it is and if there are still things I need to do.

I prefer caffeine over catnaps, but if you feel like you need to lie down and close your eyes for a minute, I’m not going to judge you. I might go through your things as you sleep, but I won’t judge you.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2012 · 3:32 am

Thumbs

Thumbs are the most important phalange. They are strong and versatile. Thumbs in general are pretty handy. Opposable ones are even better. You uses your thumbs thousands of times every day, like when typing, picking things up, holding on to those things, texting, playing video games, cooking, and impersonating the Fonz. The world would fall apart without thumbs. Hitchhiking would be a lot more challenging. Movie critics would have to find a new way to rate movies. You wouldn’t be able to dance to Call Me Maybe. Thumb wars would be nonexistent. Life wouldn’t be worth living. Who has two thumbs and is proud of it? This guy.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2012 · 9:59 am

A Hangover

Some people hate hangovers. I kind of like them. It means last night was successful. The actual hangover part sucks: waking up with your head pounding, that weird taste coating your mouth, your eyes bloodshot, your entire body aching, and you know it’s going to be a long day. It’s important to do inventory whenever you wake up with a hangover. You have to account for your phone, wallet, keys, your bag and anything else you had with you when you started drinking. Then you start trying to remember what you had to drink and how many shots you took. That makes you start wondering how much money you spent. Did you get food? Did you pay your bar tab? When did you black out? Did you take a cab home? Where’s your other shoe?

Hangovers hurt. But at least you have fun getting them. A fun night drinking is worth a day feeling like shit. Mondays always feel more Mondayish with a hangover.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2012 · 9:57 am

Talking to Yourself

It’s completely normal to talk to yourself. It just feels weird when you catch yourself doing it. It’s even weirder when someone else catches you doing it. Then you have to wonder what you just said and if it can be misconstrued as psychotic. The best way to handle the situation is to constantly talk to yourself so other people expect it of you. In fact, you should get mad when other people talk to you because they just interrupted the conversation you were having with yourself.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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