September 7, 2013 · 11:26 am

Crying Babies on a Plane

I’m not a violent person, but I think it should be legal to throw a baby out of an airplane if it won’t stop crying. I realize that babies are precious, they are a miracle, a symbol of life, blah blah blah… but if it doesn’t shut up in two seconds, I am going to open the emergency door and fling that little fucker into the clouds below. And I would be hailed as a hero. The other passengers would cheer, the flight attendants would give me an extra bag of peanuts, the captain would invite me into the cockpit and let me steer the plane a little bit. They only person who would be remotely upset is the grieving mother, and even she’s kind of relieved. I probably did her a favor. Crying babies are annoying enough, but there’s no escape from a crying baby on a plane. They cry and they cry and they cry some more. Then they stop crying for a moment and you think that it’s finally over. Then they start crying again and it’s even louder this time. You only have two choices… You can kill yourself or you can kill the baby. And you’re way more invested in your own life. It only makes sense that the baby has to go.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

September 6, 2013 · 12:51 pm

Rakija

Rakija (sometimes spelled Rakia or Rachiu) is a liquor made from fermented fruit, and it will get you drunk. They use all different kinds of fruit to make it. There’s plum, peach, cherry, apricot, apple, cherry… but for some reason I always end up with pear rakija. It’s the alcoholic drink of choice in countries like Serbia, Croatia, Macedonia, Bosnia, etc. You can buy it in stores, but a lot of people make it themselves at home. You might consider it the moonshine of the Balkans. It’s considered bad form and very rude if you turn down your host’s rakija. You should never turn down free alcohol anyway, but it’s very offensive to refuse a shot of rakija.

Not only will rakija get you drunk, but you can use it for other things besides drowning your troubles away. You can pour some rakija on a towel and wrap it around your throat if you’re feeling sick. You can use it to unclog the bathroom sink. It cures jellyfish stings. You can use it in lieu of gasoline in your car. It’s also been know to cure blindness and to bring the dead back to life. It’s like the Swiss Army Knife of alcohol.

Most Americans are oblivious of rakija’s existence, so it’s pretty awesome to watch someone try it for the first time. It’s a bit of an acquired taste… actually, you pretty much have to force yourself to drink it the first few times. A small number of people can down it without any problems, but most people can’t help but shudder and are in danger of throwing up when they first have it. But if you manage to get it down the hatch, you can see what all the fuss is about. It instantly warms you up and your head gets pleasantly cloudy. It’s the drink of choice for millions of people and you can see why. It’s ridiculously hard to find in the States, so don’t turn it down if you ever get the chance to experience rakija.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , ,

September 6, 2013 · 12:47 pm

At Least Pretend to Wash Your Hands

I was using the urinal in the men’s room the other day when I heard a toilet flush, and I saw a guy come out of the stall adjusting his belt. He had clearly just taken a shit. He walked over to the bathroom mirror, checked his hair, and walked out of the bathroom without washing his hands. My mind was blown. You should always wash your hands after you use a public bathroom. Especially if there are other people in the bathroom. At least pretend to wash your hands. You want other people to think that you are normal, right? Normal people don’t walk around with poopy hands, and even if they did, they wouldn’t advertise it. You’re supposed to wash your hands, or at the very least have other people think that you did. That’s how the world works.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

September 5, 2013 · 3:23 pm

How to Make a List

This is the Critically Rated Guide to creating a list. After you read this, you should be able to make your own lists like a champion.

  1. Decide what your list will be about. In this case, the topic is how to make a list.
  2. Come up with a catchy title that catches the reader’s attention.
  3. Include a brief summary after the title that goes into a little more detail about your topic.
  4. Start listing things by beginning at Step 1.
  5. Then go to Step 2.
  6. Then go to Step 3.
  7. Then write down the fourth step, then the fifth, and then the sixth, and so on. A good list should have at least ten steps.
  8. Once you’ve listed all the things that you wanted to list, you should write another brief summary of your topic for your conclusion.
  9. Then you should use spell check and edit your list before you finalize it and publish it for the world to see.
  10. 10. Bask in the glory of creating a list.

And that’s how you create a list. Pretty simple stuff, right? The hardest part is just getting enough time to sit down and write one. Your homework assignment for the next week is to make a list of your own. Just don’t be lazy and write a list about writing a list because that’s kind of pretentious and people see right through that shit.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

September 5, 2013 · 3:21 pm

Back Float

Humans are naturally buoyant. Even if you can’t swim, you can still back float. Babies can do it. Grandmas can do it. You can do it. The only person who can’t back float is me. I sink. Don’t get me wrong, I can swim. I can swim pretty damn good too. I’m no Michael Phelps, but I grew up in suburbia with a pool in my backyard and I can hold my own. But I still can’t back float. I can stay afloat for about 5 and a half seconds before my legs start to sink and the rest of my body gets dragged along. I would drown if I was asleep. I just think it’s bullshit that everyone else in the world is capable of doing something that I can’t do. I want to be able to float on my back and drift wherever the current takes me, without a care in the world. Don’t take your back floating abilities for granted.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

September 4, 2013 · 8:09 pm

Turning Off Your Computer

I have a laptop and I never turn it off. It’s a customized 2011 MacBook Pro and I live with it. If I’m at home, it’s on. I close it when I go to sleep, I open it when I wake up, I close it when I leave the house, and I open it when I come back home. I update it, I let it sleep and rest, but I hardly ever turn it off. And I’ve never had any problems with it. Turning off your computer is like shutting off your gateway to the outside world. You are cut off from reality, from the now. My laptop is a few seconds away from a global connection at any given point. If the zombie apocalypse started tomorrow, I would be among the first to know. Everyone else is walker food. The only reason why I’m writing this is because I’m about to shut it down for a few days while I’m on vacation. I can only hope that it will reactivate when I try to turn it on when I come home. If not, my laptop will become an extremely elaborate paperweight. You get what you paid for, and I paid for a lot.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

September 4, 2013 · 5:15 pm

Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

Espresso Imperial Russian Stout is a limited release ale from Stone Brewing Co. It’s brewed with real espresso and it tastes like something you could order from the local coffee shop. It has a rich coffee aroma, with a roasted coffee taste with hints of caramel and bittersweet dark chocolate. The espresso really comes out in the aftertaste and lingers on your taste buds longer than the other flavors. It’s a very smooth and solid stout, and it’s very drinkable for a beer with such a high alcohol content. 11% alcohol by volume is nothing to scoff at, and a pint is enough to make you feel sleepy. This isn’t a beer that you drink at a party. This is a beer that you drink when you’re staying in and catching up on TV shows. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, like you’re bundled up in a blanket made of beer and happiness. Stone Brewing has a reputation for quality craft beers, and Espresso Imperial Stout is one of the reasons why.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

September 3, 2013 · 5:12 pm

Walking Around Naked Just Because You Can

I’m not a nudist but sometimes I pretend to be. If my roommates are gone and I’m home alone, I’ll walk from my bedroom to the bathroom and back again while completely in the buff. It’s easier and more fun than putting on pants. Walking around naked just because you can is a liberating feeling. You deserve to be comfortable and clothes are so restricting. Just avoid walking by open windows and going outside to get the mail. Nobody wants to see your flaccid wiener. And it’s creepy if they do. Nudity is nothing to be ashamed of, but a flaccid wiener is. It’s not that impressive. I’m a grower, not a shower. Don’t judge me.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

September 3, 2013 · 5:10 pm

Mint M&M’s

Sometimes you want a mint. Sometimes you want some chocolate. And sometimes you don’t want it to melt in your hands. That’s when you need to get Mint M&M’s. Look for the teal/sea foam colored package with the Sexy Green M&M on the label. It’s kind of creepy that a cartoon candy spokeswoman can be so seductive, but who am I to judge those advertising geniuses? Mint M&M’s are made from dark chocolate as opposed to milk chocolate like most M&M’s. The result is a rich chocolaty taste with a sharp mint sting. The Mint M&Ms come in two colors: green and light green. They taste the exact same. I can’t eat a whole pack in one sitting. They get boring and bland after a few bites, so I share to get rid of them and let people think I’m being generous. Then they share their candy with me when I don’t have any. It’s the perfect crime.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , ,

September 2, 2013 · 5:07 pm

Accidently Friending the Wrong Person on Facebook

Facebook likes to make friend recommendations. Most of the time it’s somebody that you know. Sometimes it’s someone that you would rather not know. Sometimes it’s a complete stranger that shares a few mutual friends with you and you think that you know them, so you send them a friend request. And then you realize that you made a mistake and you have no clue who this person is. A few weeks ago, Facebook recommended that I request to be David’s friend. I assumed it was my coworker named David. It wasn’t that David. It was a different David. I deleted him, but the damage was already done. My Facebook reputation was tarnished. Accidently friending the wrong person on Facebook makes you feel stupid. You feel duped. You feel like you should know this person but you don’t, so you have failed. But rest assured, it’s not your fault. It’s Facebook’s fault. They should know that you don’t want to be friends with your friend’s grandma just because you both like the same status. That’s not how friendships are formed. Friendships are based on actual interactions, not electronic ones.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

September 2, 2013 · 5:05 pm

Haribo Happy Cola Gummi Candy

Haribo is a popular candy brand that is primarily known for their gummi candies. They make bears, worms, sharks, and various other types of gummi, like Happy Cola. Happy Cola gummies are gummies that are shaped like little soda bottles that taste kind of like cola. There are two main ways to eat them: you either bite off the top and work your way down, or you pop the whole thing into your mouth. Gummies are an interactive candy. They bend, they move, and they are fun to play with. You use your imagination to eat them. There are a lot of better tasting candies out there, but nobody refuses a gummi, especially one that’s shaped like a Coke bottle.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

September 1, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Marvel 1602: Fantastick Four (comic)

Marvel 1602: Fantastick Four is the second sequel to Neil Gaiman’s Marvel 1602. Imagine all your favorite Marvel characters going to a Renaissance Fair and that’s what this storyline is like. The characters have the same powers and personality traits, but they dress and talk like they are in a Shakespearean play. And they kind of are. Otto Von Doom has captured William Shakespeare and it’s up to the Fantastick Four to rescue him and to find out what Von Doom is up to.

Writer Peter David delivers an interesting and intriguing story, but he’s no Neil Gaiman. Gaiman creates complex and nuanced stories… Peter David is clearly trying to copy Gaiman’s style, but it’s hard to emulate a genius and the story falls short of expectations. Pascal Alixe’s artwork is impressive and helps to redeem the weak story. That’s one of the cool things about comics. It doesn’t matter how shitty the story is if it still looks good. You don’t have to read to appreciate art. All in all, it’s a so-so story that’s made better by good artwork and by putting modern characters in a historical setting. You should read it if it sounds interesting to you at all, but it’s not worth buying it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

September 1, 2013 · 2:27 pm

Coco Café Vanilla

Coco Café Vanilla is a blend of all natural coconut water, reduced fat milk & espresso with a taste of vanilla for hydration and caffeination. It’s gluten free, it’s best served chilled, and you need to shake it before you drink or it will get all lumpy and clumpy and gross at the bottom. It was so lumpy that I had to check the expiration date to make sure it wasn’t expired. So shake it hard, like it’s a baby that won’t stop crying. It tastes like drinking an iced coffee from a coconut. I’ve never actually experienced an iced coffee in a coconut, but I imagine it would taste like this. It has a rich coffee flavor with hints of vanilla, but the taste is slightly skewed by the coconut water. It’s an acquired taste, it takes a few sips to decide if you like it or not. I am completely on the fence about this one though. I don’t really like it, but I don’t dislike it either. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just different. I don’t think I would buy this particular flavor again, but I’d be willing to try other Coco Café flavors.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

August 31, 2013 · 8:28 pm

Ordering Something and Instantly Changing Your Mind

One of the best ways to piss off your server is to spend fifteen minutes to look over the menu, finally order something, wait until the server rings it in, and then flag someone down to tell them that you changed your mind. You are what is known in the industry as a “difficult guest”. I will never understand how anyone can order something and instantly change their mind. It’s perfectly acceptable if you want to change your fries for a salad, but you can’t change your order entirely. You either want a burger or you don’t. You either want fajitas or you don’t. How fucking indecisive are you? If you ordered the wrong thing, suck it up and accept your failure. There’s no need to stress out your server and undertip because you’re an idiot. Ordering something and instantly changing your mind will bring you bad karma. I can only hope that a bird shits on you when you leave the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

August 31, 2013 · 7:57 pm

Café Racer 15

Café Racer 15 is a limited batch brew from Bear Republic Brewing Co. It’s a nice, strong Double IPA with an impressive 9.75% alcohol content. Long story short, it will get you drunk and it will taste good in doing so. They use four different kinds of hops (Citra, Amarillo, Cascade, and Chinook) that makes for an interesting flavor profile. I can taste fruity flavors like peach, mango, grapefruit, and even a little apricot, along with a piney resin taste with a nice malty finish. You really can’t taste the alcohol, but you can definitely feel it after a few swigs. It might be one of the most refreshing Double IPAs that I’ve ever had. If you’re lucky enough to spot one in the store, you should grab it. And then you should drink it. And then you should thank me for changing your life. My only complaint is that it’s a limited batch so I can’t get it whenever I want.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

August 30, 2013 · 8:47 am

Drunk Compass

Almost everybody has a built-in drunk compass to guide them home when they are blacked out. It comes in handy when it’s 3:17 a.m. and you have work the next day. You just want to sleep in your own bed, and that’s when you have to surrender to your drunk compass. Your drunk compass knows how to navigate the public transportation system. It knows how to hail you a cab. It knows the best way home. It keeps you from losing your bag and your keys and phone and wallet. It keeps you from going down dark alleyways in bad neighborhoods. Unfortunately, some people are not in tune with their drunk compass. They either ignore it or can’t use it properly and they find themselves in sticky situations, both literally and figuratively. You have to respect your drunk compass. Let it guide you. Let it carry you home. But never abuse it, neglect it, or take it for granted. Your drunk compass will save your life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , ,

August 30, 2013 · 8:45 am

Starbucks Refreshers Strawberry Lemonade

You know that feeling when you need caffeine and you’re torn between an energy drink and a coffee? Me neither, but Starbucks came up with an energy beverage for that very occasion. They have a line of energy drinks made with green coffee extract called Refreshers. Strawberry Lemonade is one of their flavors. It has a muted strawberry lemonade taste. It definitely tastes fruity and there are hints of strawberry, but I can’t really taste the lemonade part. And even though it’s made from coffee extract, it doesn’t taste like coffee at all. Let’s see, what else can I say about this drink… Um, it has 60 calories and 13 grams of sugar and is 25% juice. And I think that’s pretty good for a coffee-based energy drink that doesn’t taste anything like coffee. It’s better than the Raspberry Pomegranate flavor, but I would still take a Red Bull any day of the week. And it’s Friday, so I’ll take a Red Bull.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , ,