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I Have Two Places in San Francisco

I moved into my girlfriend’s place a few weeks ago. It’s a big step in our relationship and our lives. Congratulations to us. It was not as smooth of a transition as it could have been because I still had to pay the last month’s rent for my old spot. It was a waste of eleven hundred bucks, but I technically have two residences in San Francisco right now. That’s twice as many as the average person. I believe that makes me a baller. I can either sleep downtown or retreat to my quieter house in the Presidio. I have options. I only have another week of dual residency and you can bet that I’ll be gloating as much as I can while I can. How many places do you have in San Francisco? Oh, I have two. Two places in San Francisco in 2018. That’s just how I roll. It’s more convenient than having one.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Welcome Home Shit

Sometimes the most routine parts of your day are the most satisfying like the first cup of coffee, taking your shoes off after a long shift, and having an hour to catch up on Netflix. But nothing compares to a nice welcome home shit. A welcome home shit is the first shit you take when you come home. You’ve been holding in that Chipotle since lunchtime and your stomach is not happy with you. You know you should have used the toilet before you left work, but you hate public bathrooms. The commute home took longer than it should and the first thing you do when you open your front door is run straight to the bathroom. You put the lid up and the seat down, spin around, drop your pants, and defecate gloriously for the next few minutes. Afterward you can’t help but admire your handiwork before you give it a goodbye flush. You feel great. You feel relieved. You feel five pounds lighter. Now don’t forget to wash your hands.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Living Across Town

I work in San Francisco’s number one tourist trap, Pier 39. It’s a cool spot. There are a lot of restaurants and shops, the weather is pretty decent, there are sea lions, and there are tons of things to see and do. The only problem with working there is that I live across town. Living across town is kind of a big deal. When I get out of work, I only have two options: I either go out or I go straight home. I live so far away that I don’t have time to go home and change if I want to go out. It takes me an hour or more to get home via a combination of public transportation and skateboarding, and another hour or so to come back out. It’s not worth it to go home and change, and that means I end up taking my work stuff in my backpack and lugging my skateboard around all night.

There are benefits to living across town. You have to sacrifice a few perks of downtown living, which isn’t hard to do. Living across town generally means that it’s quieter. Parking is more abundant. There is more nature, more parks, and more stuff to do outside. It’s easier to have dogs, cats, or kids. It’s just a bitch to take a cab, Lyft, or Uber home when you live across town. It’s more expensive and the driver is reluctant to take you there. You live on the other side of the city, you can’t blame them for hating you. Your best bet is to share a ride with other people who live across town. Not everyone lives out in the boonies though. Living across town isn’t for everyone.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Your Neighborhood

I lived in the same house in San Francisco for over seven years. I knew everything about the neighborhood. I knew my neighbors, I knew the cashiers at the corner store. I knew the cashiers at the liquor store. I knew the bartenders at the dive bars. I knew which bus lines to take. I knew where to find parking. I had it made. Then I had to move into a new neighborhood in a different district. I had to start all over and I didn’t want to. The new neighborhood didn’t feel right. It wasn’t mine.

Luckily I got a chance to move back to my original neighborhood, about a block away from my first house. I’ve only been moved in for a couple of nights now, but it feels so good to be home. I’m back in my old stomping grounds and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. My first day back I went to the liquor store for a celebratory beer. The cashier remembered me and greeted me with a warm welcome. He shook my hand, asked where I’ve been, where I am now, and why I had to move. People noticed that I was gone and they were glad that I came back. It’s a great feeling to be remembered. I missed my neighborhood and my neighborhood missed me. It made me realize that you’re not just a part of your neighborhood, your neighborhood is a part of you too. Make sure you appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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400 Views

CriticallyRated.com reached a milestone today. We hit 400 daily views for the first time in our 2+ year history. That doesn’t sound too impressive, but you have to consider the fact that we don’t advertise and rely solely on word of mouth to generate traffic. We’ve slowly gathered a cult following thanks to our many readers, especially the ones who take the time to share a link. CriticallyRated.com has been a passion project for me, and it’s become one of the most rewarding things that I’ve done in life. I’ve done things that I never thought I would experience just so that I could Critically Rate it. I never claimed to be an expert on anything, nor do I want to be. I just want to voice my opinion and have other people relate to it. And people have. So I thank you, thank you, and thank you again. I’m easy to please. I’m happy to get a text message from a friend, so I’m beyond honored and shocked when hundreds of people take the time to read some bullshit that I wrote. Thank you for checking it out and thank you for coming back. Even though I run it, it’s our blog.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drunk Compass

Almost everybody has a built-in drunk compass to guide them home when they are blacked out. It comes in handy when it’s 3:17 a.m. and you have work the next day. You just want to sleep in your own bed, and that’s when you have to surrender to your drunk compass. Your drunk compass knows how to navigate the public transportation system. It knows how to hail you a cab. It knows the best way home. It keeps you from losing your bag and your keys and phone and wallet. It keeps you from going down dark alleyways in bad neighborhoods. Unfortunately, some people are not in tune with their drunk compass. They either ignore it or can’t use it properly and they find themselves in sticky situations, both literally and figuratively. You have to respect your drunk compass. Let it guide you. Let it carry you home. But never abuse it, neglect it, or take it for granted. Your drunk compass will save your life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks