Earthquakes

Earthquakes are quite possibly the most destructive force of nature. It happens when two tectonic plates slide past each other along a fault line. The resulting energy causes the Earth to shake violently. Earthquakes happen every single day, but most of them are too small to notice or care about. But every couple of months there will be a powerful and devastating earthquake somewhere that will topple buildings, destroy cities, and ruin lives. You can’t successfully predict when an earthquake will strike, but you can always be prepared for one. Make sure you have some bottled water and canned goods tucked away just in case the big one happens. And make sure you have beer, because beer makes everything a little more bearable.

I live in San Francisco, which sits right on the San Andreas Fault. And that means that a major earthquake will strike eventually. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when it will occur. We don’t live in fear of the big one. We know that it’s coming. There will be a huge earthquake and people will die. It happened in 1906. It happened again in 1989. And it’s just a matter of time before another one strikes. All we can do is hope that we aren’t trapped in the subway or stuck on the top floor of a high rise. It’s pretty nerve-wracking when your whole world starts to shake and fall and break apart. But the shaking will eventually stop and then you’ll be forced to worry about other things, things that earthquakes cause. Things like tsunamis and fires. And those things just add insult to injury and cause even more devastation than a little ground movement does. Earthquakes are no joke, but they aren’t something to live in fear of.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Going the Wrong Way on the Escalator

Conforming is for sheep. That’s why I’ll go the wrong way on the escalator every now and then. I’ll run up the down-moving escalator and run down the up-moving escalator. I’ll do it just to do it. It keeps me in shape and it annoys the hell out of other commuters. Going the wrong way on the escalator is like running in slow motion. You feel like you’re moving fast but everything else slows down.  I imagine that’s how the Flash sees the universe when he’s running at top speed. The last time I went the wrong way on the escalator was when I was in Vegas. That’s the kind of crazy shit I do in Vegas. Something about breaking mundane laws makes you feel like a badass.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Worst Question in the World

“Do you think I’m fat?” is the worst question in the world. Guys spend their whole lives trying to avoid that dreaded question. There is no right answer. It’s a trap. If your girlfriend/wife/random female friend asks you this question, pause, take a deep breath, and jump out the nearest window. If you’re jumping from a high rise, consider yourself lucky. There is no way that you can safely answer the question. There are some tricks to surviving the situation. First off, never answer yes. Ever. Say “NO!” and say it with authority. And then be prepared to explain why she doesn’t look fat. The best way to respond the evil question is with another question. She asks, “Do you think I’m fat?” and you respond with something like, “Are you kidding me?” Now the ball is in her court and she has to answer your question. Use this time to look around the room and find the nearest window that you can jump out of.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Keeping 3D Glasses

Movies are an escape, and that’s why you will occasionally pay a bunch of money to watch a blockbuster in IMAX 3D. You want to immerse yourself in a fantasy, and 3D films help to do that. You’re supposed to return the 3D glasses after the movie ends, but that doesn’t always happen. Maybe you forgot to return them or maybe you wanted a souvenir. Either way, I’ve noticed that a lot of people end up keeping 3D glasses and I don’t know why. I have about 4 pairs of 3D glasses in my room. I have IMAX 3D glasses, I have Real3D glasses, I even have the classic one with the red and blue lenses that you grew up with. And all of those glasses are useless to me because they aren’t compatible with anything in my apartment. They just sit there gathering dust. I’m never going to use them for anything. The only place where I can use them is at the cinema, and I wouldn’t bring them because they will just give me a new pair of 3D glasses (which I will also take home). Keeping 3D glasses might be a sign of a kleptomaniacal hoarder, but I’m ok with who I am. And they’re not getting their 3D glasses back.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Burning the Roof of Your Mouth

Burning the roof of your mouth sucks. It usually happens with a cup of coffee or a slice of reheated pizza directly from the microwave. You just feel heat and searing pain and feel the roof of your mouth instantly blister up. It’s agony. And it has the added effect of destroying taste buds, making food taste bland and uninspiring for the next few hours. It reminds me of an old joke. Q: What was Helen Keller’s worst day? A: When she burned the roof of her mouth and couldn’t taste anything either. That’s first time I’ve made fun of Helen Keller on this site. That’s pretty impressive.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Watching Someone Get Hurt

People are inherently mean. That’s why we enjoy watching someone get hurt. It’s funny to see people fail. That’s why YouTube is full of fail videos and Russian dash cam footage. It’s why America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on the air. I once saw my friend’s little brother bomb down a hill on his bike and crash directly into a parked car. He flew about fifteen feet through the air and landed on his back in some bushes. It was a horrifying accident, but we were too busy laughing to immediately run over and check on him. He was pretty busted up, he broke his arm and needed a couple of stiches and his mom was pretty pissed off, but we still laugh about it and give him shit to this day. Watching someone get hurt is better than getting hurt yourself. Maybe that’s why it’s so enjoyable. I don’t want to see anybody die or get paralyzed, but I’m totally down to witness a skateboarder take a rail to the nuts or watch a little kid fall off his scooter. That would be hilarious. You can call me an asshole all you want, but you know that you would laugh too if you saw me trip down a flight of stairs.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Helados Mexico Limón

Helados Mexico Limón is a lime flavored frozen fruit bar that’s hecho en Mexico. That means it’s made in Mexico. I’ve had a few of their other flavors, but I think that Limón is the best. It has a zesty lime flavor with the perfect amount of sour. I always buy them two at a time because one isn’t enough. Once it hits your lips, it’s so good. My biggest and only complaint is that there isn’t a joke printed on the popsicle stick. Other than that, it’s a pretty amazing frozen ice treat from south of the border. Ole!

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tip Before You Eat

I think it’s time that we sit together as a society and rethink our tipping procedure. There are a lot of douchebags that take advantage of the current tipping procedure. They will complain about drinks and food in an attempt to get free things. They will change their order ten minutes after the server rang it in. They will rack up a three hundred dollar bill and stiff the server on the tip. The server shouldn’t have to deal with that. I think that we should tip before we eat. It makes perfect sense. Your server/bartender should know if you’re a cheap asshole before they go out of their way to help you. If you tip well, then you would get better service. If you don’t tip well, then you get the service that you deserve. You get what you pay for in a perfect world. I don’t care how nice a table is, they don’t deserve good service if they don’t tip well. I don’t care how miserable a table is, they don’t deserve bad service if they tip well. The problem is that servers don’t know who is cheap and who is a decent human being until the table settles the bill or runs away. You should tip before you eat and get the service that you deserve. If you pledge 18% to your server beforehand, he/she will be more willing to help you out. And if food comes out wrong or your server fucks up, the bill will be discounted, but the server would still make 18%. Everyone wins.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Zippo

A Zippo is a name brand metallic lighter. It’s famous for being windproof and reusable. It’s not really windproof, but it will typically ignite even if there’s a gust of wind. I can spark it when I’m walking or riding my skateboard (and that’s pretty impressive). A regular BIC lighter wouldn’t do that. A BIC lighter is cheap, plastic, and disposable. But Zippos are for life. You just have to refill the fluid every few weeks and change the wick and the flint every so often. Zippos are a popular collectible/souvenir. They have thousands of different designs and colors, but they all distinctly Zippos. You can tell a Zippo by its shape, metal design, and solid construction. The sound of a Zippo is as recognizable as it’s shape. The lid is on a hinge that opens and closes with a satisfying clink. Zippos are fun to play with. There are a bunch of tricks for sparking them, and you look like a badass when you pull it off cleanly. Zippos are best used for lighting cigars and cigarettes. I wouldn’t recommend it for smoking weed. You can taste the lighter fuel and it’s not pleasant.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bus Transfer

A bus transfer is proof of payment that you paid for public transportation. It’s usually good for 90 minutes or for a couple of hours, so you can get on and off the bus and jump onto different routes to get to where you need to go. A bus transfer is also a memento. It’s a reminder that you went somewhere. You might not remember where you went or who you went with, but you know that you went somewhere and you know when you went there. If you ride the bus, you should always hold onto your transfers. You don’t want to get a ticket from the transit authority. They won’t believe you if you lost your transfer. They will assume that you’re just another cheap asshole trying to get a free ride across town. They hear lame excuses for why people don’t have transfers all day long. Your valid excuse will fall upon deaf ears. They don’t want to hear your sob story. They don’t care. It’s up to you to prove that you paid.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hair in Your Food

People eat food and people shed hairs. At some point in your life, those two occurrences will collide and you will find hair in your food. Everyone has hair, and everyone’s hair falls out. You will have to deal with someone else’s hair in your food at some point. You just don’t want to eat it. It doesn’t matter how hygienic they are, or how clean and conditioned their hair is, you don’t want any of their dead cells in your mouth. Hair in your food is gross. But there’s nothing worse than finding a hair in your food when you’re halfway done with your meal. It makes you sick to your stomach. It makes you wonder if you had a bite of food that contained someone else’s follicles. Just don’t take it out on your server. It’s not his fault. Blame the shedding cook. And hopefully it’s not curly.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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This Tastes Bad, Try It

You’re relaxing in the break room and your coworker comes in, sits down, and starts eating her homemade lunch. She pulls out a wilted sandwich that looks like it has been sitting out a little too long. She opens her mouth, takes a bite, starts chewing slowly and carefully, and swallows it with a slight grimace. Then she looks at you and asks, “This tastes bad, try it.”

“No,” you say, “Fuck no, in fact.” And who can blame you? That sandwich looked gross from the get-go. Then you saw her reaction as she was eating it. And then she confirmed it by saying that it tasted bad. Why would you possibly want to try it? And why would she even offer you a disgusting sandwich? That’s not very nice. That’s not how you share. You should share good things, things that other people would enjoy. Not bad or weird tasting things. Maybe she wants you to suffer with her. She wants you to experience the same terrible things that she has. She wants you to feel her pain. Just say no. Whatever you do, don’t take a bite.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arguing With a Clueless Person

People like to argue. They like to verbally spar and match wits with other people. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that’s great and all, but the problem is everyone thinks that their opinion is the right one and some people are simply wrong. They will ignore facts and speak passionately about something that they know nothing about. They refuse to see reason. They talk just to hear themselves talk. They are wrong, but they don’t care, their only goal is to piss you off and make you angry. Arguing with a clueless person is an exercise in futility. You can’t win. He is far too dumb and way too proud to ever concede to reason, logic, and cold hard facts. He can never admit that you’re right because that would mean that he is wrong. All you can do is swallow your pride, walk away from the argument, and then bitch about that jackass to anyone who will listen.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Calling Somebody Old on Their Birthday

There are a million different birthday traditions that you feel obliged to practice. Let’s say that it’s your friend’s birthday and you want to celebrate. You’ll throw him a birthday party. You’ll buy him a birthday cake with birthday candles. You’ll buy him a birthday present and a signed birthday card. But it’s not officially his birthday until you give him grief about getting older. Calling somebody old on their birthday is the best way to remind someone about their mortality. They are one year closer to death, and you need to rub it in their face. Their saggy, old, wrinkled face. It’s a way to punch them in the gut on their special day. You need to do it out of love though, and not malice. You don’t want to make them cry, just feel a little less immortal.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Folding a Map

Maps were a way of getting from Point A to Point B before the days of GPS and smart phones. These days you only use a map when you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. You unfold the map, spread it out, and try to find the road that will take you from where you are to where you want to go. Then you fold have to fold the map back up into it original form. But that’s harder than you think. Folding a map is a lot harder than reading a map. Reading a map just requires common sense and a vague sense of direction. Folding a map is always a challenge. It’s hard to find the correct creases. You always end up folding one part the wrong way. You’ll fold it hot dog when you should have folded it hamburger. Folding a map is hard. It takes practice. Most people get frustrated and hand it over to somebody else to fold it for them. Everyone has a little OCD when it comes to folding maps.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Airports

Airports are some of the most interesting places on Earth. A major airport is its own little world. It reflects the city around it, like when you hop off a plane in Vegas and see slot machines in the terminal. And even though each airport is unique, they are still all the same. A lot of airports have the same features. Huge airports usually have the moving walkways, those giant treadmills that move passengers and their luggage at slightly faster speeds. Those people movers become pretty fun after a few drinks. All major American airports have a Chili’s in them. It’s required by law.

You see the same types of people at every airport. You see the tired, travel-weary passengers trying to catch a few minutes of sleep using their carry-on as a makeshift pillow. You see the frantic young couples desperately trying to quiet their screaming toddlers. You see nervous people who are scared of flying trying to find some liquid courage at an outrageously overpriced bar. You see angry people yelling at bored ticket agents. All of them are united by delayed departures and changing arrival times.

You have to deal with airports if you want to see the world. You might as well embrace them and accept them. Yeah, they have overpriced stores and expensive restaurants. But you can also see people from all around the world, and you get a different perspective when you see how small the world really is.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Helicopters

Helicopters are an amazing piece of technology. They can fly in any direction swiftly and nimbly, like giant manmade hummingbirds. Helicopters are useful for news and traffic reports, for transporting billionaires around, for fighting fires, and for military operations to secure oil derricks and kill innocent civilians around the world. I’ve never been in a helicopter and I don’t want to. I’m not scared of them, I just don’t trust them. If something goes wrong in a plane, you can always hope that the pilot can glide you to a safe landing. But if something goes wrong in a helicopter, you fall out of the sky life a rock. Planes have parachutes, life jackets, inflatable slides, and ejector seats in case of an emergency. An ejector seat in a helicopter would lead to an even faster and messier death. Those rotor blades can do some serious damage. Just ask Vic Morrow (That’s a really good joke, but it might require a quick Google search).

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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