February 7, 2014 · 9:56 am

Equilibrium (film)

Equilibrium is a 2002 sci-fi about a dystopian society written and directed by Kurt Wimmer. It’s kind of like 1984 meets The Matrix, except 1984 and The Matrix are solid works of art and Equilibrium is a terrible movie. In the future, human emotion has been made illegal, and all the citizens of Libria are forced to take Prozium to suppress any feelings.  Christian Bale stars as John Preston, a Cleric (a cop/warrior-priest) who works for the oppressive government by tracking down and destroying anything that has artistic or emotional value. One day Preston stops taking his Prozium. He starts experiencing emotions for the first time, a dangerous thing when you can be killed for any form of Sense Offense. He starts to sympathize with the Underground, a group of rebels trying to overthrow the government.

His Cleric partner, Brandt (played by Taye Diggs) starts to become suspicious of Preston, and so Preston must suppress his emotions to avoid suspicion while simultaneously trying to undermine Father, the leader of Libria. Along the way, Preston falls in love with another Sense Offender who has been sentenced to death, he must deal with his creepy kids, and he also adopts a puppy for some reason.

I really enjoyed this movie the first time that I watched it. I thought it was a dark and gritty depiction of the future, I thought that the action scenes were cool, and I thought that the film had a lot of deep themes, which would add to its longevity. And when I watch it now, I can’t help but cringe. It doesn’t stand up. It’s a cheesy, poorly directed film that would not be out of place as Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week. The first act of the movie does a decent job setting everything up, but everything after the second act seems rushed and forced. And that whole adopting the puppy plotline really drags everything down. I know that they were trying to convey Preston’s changing emotional state, but a heartfelt bonding moment with a widdle-bitty puppy is extremely cheesy and out of place in a film that’s trying to be dark and edgy. Sean Bean is in this movie too. He dies. That’s not a spoiler. He dies in everything.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 7, 2014 · 9:54 am

Too Good to Eat

I work in a restaurant so I’m well aware that food presentation is important. You could have made the best dish of all time, but nobody will eat it if it looks like a pile of shit. And something that tastes mediocre will taste better if it looks appetizing. But sometimes things are simply too good to eat. Case in point: a family friend made a cake for my sister’s baby shower. The cake looked like an elephant. It had gray frosting and its trunk and ears were made out of marshmallow treats. Everybody was impressed with it, everyone was taking pictures of it and posting it on Facebook and Instagram. When it finally became time to cut the cake, nobody wanted to do it. It would have been like burning a painting and nobody wants to destroy art. The cake literally was too good to eat. Someone eventually caved in and cut it, plopped some cake on a plate and handed it to me. It was no longer an elephant. It was just a slice of gray cake. It tasted good, but it was even better when it was still an intact culinary creation. Some things that are too good to eat really are too good to eat.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young1517593_10151811024085882_1542971137_n

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February 6, 2014 · 12:44 pm

When the Bus Drives By

I got off work late the other night and all I wanted to do was catch the first bus home and call it a night. I got to the bus stop, checked by bus schedule app, and knew that there would be a bus coming along within the next two minutes. Sure enough, two minutes went by and I saw my bus approaching. It came closer and closer, it started to slow down and then it kept driving right past me without stopping. The driver was going just slow enough to show the few passengers and the many empty seats through the windows. The driver wanted me to know that he wasn’t going to stop. I imagine he was watching my crestfallen face in his rearview mirror as he laughed and laughed as he drove on down the road. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt invalid. Nothing makes you feel as unwanted as when the bus drives by. You feel invisible, like a ghost, like you don’t exist.  And then you get angry and flip off the bus driver and silently curse him because that’s all you can do. Then you wait for the next bus.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2014 · 12:40 pm

Putting Your Trash Next To The Garbage Can But Not In It

There’s some asshole/idiot that I work with that doesn’t know how garbage cans work. He knows what they are for, but he doesn’t know how to use them properly. I know this because he has a habit of bringing his trash to the garbage can, but he leaves it on the floor beside it for somebody else to put it in. It’s very weird. He will take the time to pick up his trash, he will carry it all the way to the garbage can, and then he won’t take the extra half-second or so to throw it away himself. Putting your trash next to the garbage can but not in it is a glorious way of littering. You’re not making the world a better place. You’re just pissing people off and somebody might write a blog post about how much of a lazy dickhole you are. Either clean up after yourself or don’t. There’s no need to pretend you’re not a litterbug.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2014 · 12:09 pm

Dead Trigger 2 (game)

Dead Trigger 2 is a free game developed and published by Madfinger Games. It’s available for iOS and Android, so if you have a smart phone or a tablet this is a pretty solid game to download. It’s a first-person shooter game with zombies and pretty decent graphics, especially for a free game. It’s free to play, but you can also pay to progress through the game faster.  You complete various missions and build up your arsenal and upgrade your weapons. There are different types of zombies and different game scenarios and you never know what is lurking around the next corner. It’s one of the best free games that I’ve ever played and a great way to prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Check it out, especially if you have an iPad and want to show it off.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2014 · 12:05 pm

Worthington’s Red Shield (beer)

One of the perks of being a beer guy is discovering a new beer. I went to my local liquor store the other day and the clerk told me to try a bottle of Worthington’s Red Shield. It’s an English Pale Ale/Blond Ale from England. It’s a nice golden color with a mild amount of carbonation. It has a bready malt aroma primarily with hints of grass, earth, caramel, and toffee. It tastes like it smells, it’s malty with some earth tones and a little bit of caramel and grains. It’s kind of bland, but in a crisp and refreshing way. It still has more flavor than Budweiser and other domestics. It only has an alcohol content of 4.2%, which makes it a great beer for day drinking. I would get this beer again, but I wouldn’t go to England to get it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2014 · 11:10 am

Hats with Ears

I saw a baby with a knit cap the other day. The knit cap was designed to look like a monkey. It was brown with two little monkey ears. It made the baby look like a little monkey. It was very cute and adorable and even people who don’t particularly like babies would have liked this baby. Later on I saw a girl in her twenties wearing a knit cap. Her knit cap was designed to look like a giraffe. It was brown with a giraffe skin pattern and it was adorned with two little giraffe ears. It made the girl look like a fucking giraffe. It was not cute, it was not adorable, and even people who don’t particularly hate giraffes would have hated this girl. My point is that hats with ears are a tricky fashion item. It’s cute if you’re a kid, and it’s especially endearing if you’re a baby. But if you’re old enough to drink in a bar, you might want to rethink looking like a stuffed animal in public. There’s something weird about pretending to be a cuddly creature. I like in San Francisco and I see crazy shit on a regular basis, but I draw the line at furries. That shit weirds me out. Anthropomorphic animals just aren’t my bag. I will stage an intervention for anybody I care about who wears a hat with ears. Alcohol, drugs, gambling… those are all tolerable bad habits, but there’s no excuse for wearing hats with ears.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2014 · 11:06 am

Bahaha

So apparently bahaha is the new, cool way to show that you’re laughing when you’re online or texting. Hahaha wasn’t quite getting the point across, so the hipsters went ahead and changed it to bahaha. I don’t like it. It seems like an unnecessary change. Hahaha is an example of onomatopoeia, it’s the sound of laughter spelled out. I’ve never heard anybody laugh out lout with a B sound. Bahaha isn’t a natural spelling of human laughter. It’s more reminiscent of a cackling chicken. I don’t like bahaha. I refuse to convert. I will stick to the more traditional hahaha or LOL. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2014 · 9:04 am

Setting Off Your Own Car Alarm

It’s the middle of the night and you wake up from your deep slumber because there’s a car alarm blaring outside. You try to shut it out, but you can’t ignore it and you wonder whose fucking car alarm is going off and you wonder why that mother fucker isn’t doing anything about it. Then you realize that it’s your car and that you are that mother fucker. Setting off your own car alarm is one of the worst feelings in the world. You feel an instant pang of regret as something so mundane starts to backfire on you. It’s like when you flush the toilet and the water starts to rise. It’s not your fault, but everybody is going to blame you regardless. All you can do is apologize profusely but nobody will care. You’re the villain, you’re the asshole, and you have to accept that. You might not have meant to set it off, but you did, and you have to take responsibility for it. Hopefully you’re not taking responsibility at four in the morning.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2014 · 8:59 am

Arizona Grape Lime Rickey

Arizona Grape Lime Rickey is a sparkling grape and lime flavored beverage from Arizona Iced Tea. I don’t know who Rickey is or what he does, but I like his namesake beverage. It’s sweet, it’s crisp, and it makes an excellent mixer. I’m enjoying my Arizona Grape Lime Rickey with a little vodka in it. Actually let me be honest, I’m enjoying my vodka with a little Arizona Grape Lime Rickey in it. Either way, my head is buzzing and my taste buds are happy. I think that’s the sign of a good drink, right?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 2, 2014 · 12:39 pm

Ordering a Cocktail But Not Knowing What’s In It

The vast majority of people in a bar order basic cocktails like margaritas, martinis, Long Islands, etc. But there is always some asshole that orders a drink that nobody has ever heard of before. Ordering a cocktail but not knowing what’s in it is a great way to piss off your bartender. There are hundreds if not thousands of cocktail names and recipes, so you should be prepared to help out your bartender if you order something obscure like a Skittle shot or a Vampire Juice or something. You should know more about the drink than just its name. You should know what liquors are in it, you should know what mixers to use, and you should know if it’s a shot or something you sip on. A lot of people will order a stupid drink because it sounds cool, but they don’t have the slightest idea what is in it. And that’s fucking retarded. You shouldn’t order something if you don’t know what’s in it. That’s just plain common sense.

Critically Rated at /17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 2, 2014 · 12:36 pm

Singing Blink-182 Songs in a Keanu Reeves Voice

A few years ago I discovered that singing Blink-182 songs in a Keanu Reeves voice not only fits the music, but it makes it better. Much better in fact. Try it. I recommend singing “All the Small Things” in your best Keanu voice. Imagine Keanu from Bill & Ted doing karaoke and try to imitate that. The more exaggerated your California surfer accent is, the better it will sound. Remember to add unnecessary pauses and to put exaggerated inflections on the wrong words. Those are essential Keanu traits that enhance Blink-182’s pop-punk sound. I don’t know why singing Blink-182 songs in a Keanu Reeves voice sounds so good, but it does. And I try not to question the good things in life, I just embrace them.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2014 · 10:04 am

A Pimple In Your Nose

It’s bad enough getting a pimple but sometimes you get a pimple somewhere else other than your face. Sometimes you get them on your chest, back, I got one on the top of my ear once, but getting a pimple in your nose is the worst. An inner nose pimple is almost impossible to pop. And it’s not a normal spot for a pimple so it’s noticeable. It also gets kind of swollen and hurts a little bit. It’s kind of like a mosquito bite, it’s not really painful but it is uncomfortable. I would recommend getting a pimple in your nose if you can help it. I don’t know how to prevent nasal zits, but I’m sure you can find a remedy on Google if you look for one. You might want to clear your search history afterwards though. You don’t want other people to associate you with nose pimples.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2014 · 10:01 am

Talking Into a Fan

There’s something about talking into a fan that reverts everybody into being a five-year-old again. It’s fun. It distorts your voice and makes you sound like Darth Vader. Well, a low-rent Darth Vader, but Darth Vader nonetheless. The most important thing to remember about talking into a fan is to keep your distance. Nothing takes the joy out of fan talking faster than getting your tongue stuck in the blades. You’ll end up with a bloody tongue and a broken fan. And no Darth Vader impression is worth that much hassle. Also try not to spit when you’re talking into a fan, it’s like spitting in the wind and you’ll regret it instantly (especially if your tongue is bleeding).
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 31, 2014 · 8:55 am

Getting a New Stain Right After You Did Laundry

You’ve been putting off doing laundry for a few weeks until you finally crack and drag your dirty clothes to the Laundromat. You spend a few hours and a few quarters cleaning your clothes, and you feel accomplished and proud when you finally finish. You decide to celebrate your laundry victory by wearing a warm, clean shirt straight from the dryer. You’ll be wearing that shirt for about ten minutes before you dribble coffee down the front. Getting a new stain right after you did laundry is inevitable. The universe always knows when you’ve done laundry, and the universe will try to rectify the situation by getting your clothes dirty again. The universe wants you to waste quarters.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 31, 2014 · 8:53 am

Titty Twister

A titty twister is when your asshole friend pinches your nipple and twists it. It goes by a few other names. I’ve heard it been called a purple nurple or a boobie blister, and there are alternate spellings such as tittie twister, but it’s all the same term for that act of casual assault. Titty twisters hurt. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of one, but it’s funny to witness one or to be the guy doing the titty twisting. My friend is really good at titty twisters. She has a special talent where she knows exactly where your nipple is at all times. She just hones in on it, latches on, and twists your titty when you least expect it. She has a 99% titty twister success rate, which is uncanny. Most titty twister attempts only have a 60% success rate. It’s a lot harder to grab a nipple that you can’t see than you might think.  It’s not a great talent to have, but it’s still a valid talent.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 30, 2014 · 12:00 pm

Public Speaking

Speaking in public is an important social skill to have. A lot of people are terrified of public speaking, and it’s not a very enjoyable experience if you’re shy. But if you can’t read a few sentences out loud to a group of strangers, there is no way that you will be successful in life. How you present yourself is important in the business world. It’s important in any world. If you stammer or stutter, if you speak in a monotone or add the wrong inflection, then you weird people out. You need to speak with confidence. You need to speak clearly and correctly, but you also have to go with the flow. There will be times when you trip up on a word or somebody will ask a question that you don’t know how to respond to. A good public speaker will be able to turn a mistake into a triumph, to transform a gaffe into a memorable quote.

Public speaking takes time and it takes practice, but anybody is capable of learning how to do it. It’s not a natural thing, it’s sometime that you have to work on. Anyone can do it. Case in point: look at Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. They are both awkward nerds, neither seems like they would be the life of the party, they are both introverted, and they had to learn the social skills that transformed their small companies into global forces. Microsoft and Facebook would not have gone anywhere if their CEOs didn’t learn the importance of public speaking and reading out loud. Neither are great public speakers, but when they speak they command attention. Not all billionaires can capture your attention like that. They learned the importance on public speaking and put they their skills to good use. Teach yourself how to read in public. Maybe it’s your time to shine now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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