Humans are fragile creatures. That’s why our minds get tired and our body needs sleep. So if you worked all day and have to party that night, you’re going to be a walking zombie at some point. Your head will droop and your eyes will feel heavy, and you want nothing more than to crash in your bed or anywhere you can.
Fight the urge to sleep and grab a drink and power through that shit. If you feel tired long enough, you will start to not feel tired. This magical feeling is known as your second wind. Sometimes you can extend the term to cover drinking. If you are on the verge of puking but manage to keep it down, you will feel better soon and get your second wind. You might still be drunk, but at least your mouth doesn’t taste like vomit and you can still hit on girls.
The coolest things happen when you are sleeping, so you have to avoid it as much as possible. Naps are for cats. Waiting for your second wind is the way to go.
Finding money is cool, but finding weed on the floor is even better. You can ignore the five-second rule if weed is involved. The fire will kill the germs. Germs hate fire. It’s science. Finding a nug on the floor is awesome. It’s like a present from your stoney past. You just have to check it for hair. Burning hair is bad enough, but smoking hair will kill you. It’s science.
People like to drink things (like beer and liquor). People like to celebrate things (like birthdays and promotions). It only makes sense that people sometimes chose to celebrate things by getting drunk. Having a party at a bar is a lot easier than having to get enough food and drinks for all your friends and you don’t have to clean up after. Someone will say that everyone’s meeting at the bar at 10:30, and you decide you will get there half an hour later so you wont be the first one there.
But the universe knows that you were thinking that, so when you show up half and hour late, you are still there before everyone else. Waiting for friends to come to the bar is an art. You have to grab a drink, because you can’t be empty-handed when people do show up. You sip it slowly and whip out your phone to pass the time. You’ll text a few friends and tell them to hurry up. You just hope that nobody is watching you, wondering about the quiet guy in the corner who is obviously alone on a Saturday night.
Time flies when you’re having fun, but it comes to a standstill when you’re waiting for friends to come to the bar. You’ll glance at the time, look around the room, answer a text, have a sip or two of your drink, and glance at the time again and it’s still the same time. So you take another sip, read a coaster, pretend to be watching the game on TV, and look at the time again and it’s still the same time.
The only good thing about waiting for people to show up is that you have access to lots and lots of booze. Maybe waiting at the bar isn’t so bad after all.
I have a sweet tooth; I eat more candy than a five-year-old on Halloween. I have a few cavities to prove it. The other day my friend gave me gumball. I didn’t really want it, but it’s bad for the economy to not accept free things. So I took it and chewed it for about fifteen seconds before I realized it shouldn’t be crunchy. That stupid gumball ripped out my filling. Losing a filling sucks. Even as I type this, my tongue keeps exploring the gaping hole in my molar. The worst part is that I can’t eat candy until I get a new filling. Then I will celebrate with some Skittles. I think I’ll avoid the gumballs from now on.
A Rubber band ball is a ball made of rubber bands. Some people wrap rubber bands around a superball or a core object. That is not a real rubber band ball. A real rubber band ball is made of just rubber bands. You have to constantly add rubber bands because the rubber bands will start to break apart. Very few things are as tragic as the inevitable decline of a ball of rubber bands.
I’ve had a rubber band ball since 1997. I had a handful of rubber bands in my pocket (for general mischief like beestings and launching wads of paper) and somehow the rubber bands formed a perfect ball. It was fate. It created itself. I just needed to help it grow. I don’t add rubber bands to it for months at a time, but every now and then I have to provide a maintenance layer. Fifteen years later and it’s bigger than a softball. Rubber band balls are better than paper clip chains.
People who ride bicycles in major cities have to be fearless. Stop signs are optional and coming to a complete stop is a sign of weakness. It’s a good idea to wear a helmet if you are going to risk your life that that, and so a lot of people protect their noggin. Some people decide to live on the wild side and don’t wear helmets. And some idiots buy helmets and just sling them on their handlebars. You are an idiot for riding a bike with your helmet of the handlebars. You have a helmet, you have it with you, you are on your bike… you should fucking put it on. It’s common sense. I hope your helmet strap gets caught in your front wheel and you die. If you have a helmet, fucking use it.
Terminator 2 is a perfect sequel. It takes everything cool about the first one and ups the ante and becomes a better movie than its predecessor. Not only is it a perfect sequel, but also it’s one of the best action movies of all time. James Cameron doesn’t just make movies, he makes blockbusters. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays another T-800 Terminator sent back in time, Linda Hamilton reprises her role as Sarah Connor, and Edward Furlong plays a 10-year-old John Connor.
The move takes place eleven years after the first one. Sarah Connor is in a nuthouse, because that’s where you go when you tell everyone about killer robots from the future. Her son John is the future leader of mankind and our only hope of survival against the killer robots, but for now he’s stuck living with foster parents. It kind of sucks when your mom’s insane and your dad hasn’t been born yet, and so John acts out and is a preteen rebel.
Skynet sends back a T-1000 model robot (Robert Patrick) to track down and kill John Connor. The future John Connor sends back an older model T-800 (Schwarzenegger) to protect kid John Connor. The T-800 is the same model as the killbot in the first movie and the T-1000 is liquid metal and can shapeshift and make stabbing weapons. When this movie came out, it was a big twist that Arnie was a good robot and that the other guy was a bad robot.
The T-800 rescues John from the T-1000. John realizes that his mom isn’t crazy and he and his new robot bodyguard go to free her from the nuthouse. Sarah Connor is in the middle of her own escape, and they have a happy little reunion. Sarah gets over her trust issues with the T-800 pretty quickly and they go on a road trip to Mexico.
Arnie tells Sarah and John all about Skynet and the end of the world. Sarah thinks the only way to avoid Judgment Day is to murder Miles Dyson (Joe Morton), the engineer most directly responsible for creating Skynet. She tries to kill him but can’t. When he learns about Judgment Day he decides to join the team and help Sarah prevent the end of the world. He takes the Connors and the T-800 to Cyberdyne to destroy everything related to Skynet, included the microchip and robot arm from the first movie.
The T-1000 shows up and there’s and epic battle. And the two robots fight and punch each other and you understand what it going on, unlike Transformers. Spoiler alert: they beat the T-1000. The T-800 learns human emotion and sacrifices himself to avoid Judgment Day.
Having a 10-year-old John Connor as one of the main characters could have been disastrous without the right casting. Kids are annoying and stupid and don’t belong in action blockbusters. Edward Furlong pulls it off though. He has a cocky street kid attitude that suits the role perfectly. Compare his performance to Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker in The Phantom Menace. When you leave the theater you want to punch Anakin in the face and you want John Connor to save you when the robots come.
This is a great action movie. Every scene leads into the next one, they all are relevant and they all advance the plot. There’s a great flow and pacing and the action scenes are awesome. This was made in the glorious time where when you see a helicopter chasing a truck, you know that it’s a real fucking helicopter chasing a real fucking truck. The CG effects were cutting edge at the time, and even though they look cheesy now, the story makes up for it. It was a great action flick when it came out, and it still is over 20 years later.
You finally have a day off to catch up on your Netflix queue. You know that you are halfway through the third season of Breaking Bad, but you aren’t quite sure which episode you were on. You were a few episodes in, you know that much. You decide to go with the fifth episode and you think you’ve made the right choice. About twenty minutes into it, it occurs to you that you already heard Walter say that line. Realizing you’ve seen it before halfway through the episode is a terrible feeling. You know that you wasted your time and you have no one to blame but yourself. You could have been twenty minutes into the right episode. You will never get that twenty minutes back. You are twenty minutes closer to death.
Vincent Ward directs Robin Williams in one of his more dramatic roles. This is not a comedy. This is a depressing movie about death and the afterlife. It’s about the lengths a guy will go through to be reunited with his soul mate. It’s based on a book that I never read and probably never will because I’ve seen the movie.
Robin Williams plays Dr. Chris Nielsen, and when he was young, he met an artist named Annie (Annabella Sciorra). They fell in love and had a couple of kids and life was good. Then life wasn’t so good when their kids died in a car accident. Annie goes a little crazy with grief and tries to kill herself, but Chris pulls her through. He is her strength, her rock. And then he dies too, and Annie is all alone.
Chris is dead, but he’s not gone. A part of him still exists and he stays around for a while. A blurry Cuba Gooding, Jr. appears and acts as his guide to the afterlife. They watch Annie grieving at his funeral and at his gravesite. He has to move on and so he goes to his own personal Heaven.
You create your own Heaven and Chris goes into his wife’s paintings. His old Dalmatian is there and so is Cuba Gooding, Jr. and he’s no longer blurry. Cuba identifies himself as Albert Lewis, Chris’s old mentor. He teaches Chris the basics of Heaven, what you can and can’t do, free your mind, all that hoopla. Chris and Albert see a tree that wasn’t in the painting before. Annie just painted it, and they are able to reach each other through her art. Because they are soul mates. And that’s how it works.
Chris mentions that he hasn’t seen his kids. Albert says he will see them when he wants to see them. Even though he saw his dog right away. I guess we know his priorities. Chris continues touring Heaven and meets a hot Asian chick. She ends up being his daughter. I saw this movie in theaters and I was really confused at this point, because I thought he had two sons that died in a car accident. I didn’t know that the younger kid was a girl. Girls should have long hair. I thought he just had an effeminate son. Anyway, the hot Asian chick is his daughter. His daughter assumed the form of a sexy Asian because her dad said that Asians were sexy. So she wanted to look attractive for her daddy. That’s kinda gross. And I guess that even though Chris loves Annie he still has a case of yellow fever.
So after this awkward father-daughter reunion, Albert tells Chris that Annie committed suicide and is now in Hell. She was suffering and she ended her suffering and ended up in Hell. When the dog was suffering and they ended his suffering, it ended up in Heaven. Why did she end up down there and the dog end up in Heaven? Did they murder the dog? Is that the difference?
Anyway, Chris decides he wants to go to Hell to rescue Annie. Albert takes him to a Tracker (Max von Sydow). They all go to Hell, and Chris remembers telling his son that he wouldn’t walk through Hell with anyone other than him. And he realizes that Albert is actually his son. So the first two people he meets in the afterlife were actually his kids and they were lying to his face. Everyone lies in Heaven. Maybe his dog is really his old cat.
So Albert/Actually-his-son stays behind and Chris and the Tracker go through Hell to find Annie. And the Tracker reveals that he is actually the real Albert Lewis, the same guy who his son was pretending to be. Small world or lazy writing?
Chris finds Annie trapped in her own personal Hell. She doesn’t recognize him. He chooses to stay in Hell with her and they end up back in Heaven. Because they are soul mates and that’s how it works. They are reunited in Heaven with their two kids and it seems like the perfect ending. But Chris and Annie decide to get reincarnated and get sent back to Earth to start a new life together. The two kids get to stay in Heaven and not live full lives, while their parents get to go back and start a new family and forget about their two kids they already had. That’s a terrible ending. It’s child neglect from beyond the grave.
This is not a comedy. Just because you see Robin Williams on the cover doesn’t mean it’s a good time. This movie is sad. It tries to be uplifting but it fails. There are great depictions of Heaven and Hell, and the plot seems original at first, but it becomes mundane. It’s a decent movie, but I wouldn’t say it is essential viewing.
I have a bit of a sweet tooth, so I’ve had my fair share of popsicles in my day. I’ve probably had over a thousand in my lifetime. And I swear there are only twelve popsicle stick jokes on them. Popsicle stick jokes are the cheesiest, corniest jokes, the kind of bullshit that your least favorite grandpa says like, “When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.” Fuck you, it’s still a door. “What kind of room has no doors? A mushroom.” A mushroom is not a room, it’s a fungus, you piece of shit.
Instead of lame jokes, what if they gave you life advice and lotto numbers like fortune cookies?
Super Troopers is a cult comedy classic about a group of highway patrolmen who pass the time terrorizing innocent civilians and abusing their power. They are the high school teacher who confiscates your stash and smokes in in the teacher’s lounge. It was written by and stars the Broken Lizard comedy group: Jay Chandrasekhar (who also directs), Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, and Erik Stolhanske.
The movie’s opening scene is one of the funniest scenes in cinema. Two of the Vermont State Troopers, Thorn and Rabbit (Chandrasekhar and Stolhanske) pull over three stoners and fuck with their heads. It’s the perfect introduction to the Super Troopers and how they run their stretch of highway.
If there’s anything that the troopers hate more than crime, it’s the local Spurbury Police Department. The troopers are facing budget cuts, while the SPD gets all the glory and job security. The troopers stumble into a potential drug smuggling operation and soon after a body turns up that could possible be connected.
The troopers must uncover the mystery before the SPD does. But it turns out that the SPD are in on the operation and provide protection for the smugglers. Can the Super Troopers get their shit together and expose the corrupt cops? You’ll just have to watch and find out.
Super Troopers starts out as a great comedy. The opening scene is hilarious, but it all goes downhill from there. It stops being funny about halfway through the movie when they have to actually advance the plot. There are quite a few funny scenes and moments, but 85% of them happen in the first forty-five minutes. A good comedy should be consistently funny and that’s where this movie fails. It loses steam and momentum and you stop paying attention after a while.
Kevin Heffernan steals the film as Farva. His exchange with the cashier at the Dimpus Burger where he demands a liter of cola is another highlight of the film. All of the cast members have their moments, but Farva is the stereotypical asshole cop, and it’s fun to hate him.
Broken Lizard has made a few other movies, like Club Dread, Beer Fest, and The Slammin’ Salmon. Super Troopers is their best and most well known flick. Beer Fest is pretty funny. Club Dread was terrible but had it’s moments, and the Slammin’ Salmon was a disappointment but better than Club Dread. Broken Lizard will never be Monty Python. If they aren’t careful, advertising their films with their name will be a deterrent to moviegoers (the M. Night Shyamalan effect).
Super Troopers is a cult classic comedy because of the first forty-five minutes or so. Then it starts to suck. There are a lot of great bits and quotable lines, and it’s got a lot of memorable parts… but it’s not a complete movie. It becomes tired and predictable and it doesn’t deserve to be listed as one of the best comedies of all time. Because it’s not. The first half is great, the second half is mediocre. I don’t know how many times I have to stress that.
Clapping is weird. Somewhere down the line humans decided that one way to show appreciation for something is to smack your palms together repeatedly to make noise. People clap for musicians, when their cousin graduates, at sporting events, when it’s Billy’s birthday, even at the end of movies even though the creators can’t hear your percussive compliment. Hey, you did something that I like, I’m going to hit my hands together a few times in unison with my colleagues.
Baseball is the best sport ever. Hands down. There is no debate. Baseball is America’s pastime for a reason. It is timeless. It means something. The love and passion that you have for your team is something that you can share with family, with friends, with complete strangers. If you’re in a strange new place and you see someone wearing your team’s hat, you have something to talk about. If you’re in a strange new place and you see someone wearing your rival team’s hat, you have something to talk about.
Baseball is an easy game to comprehend, but it takes a lifetime to master. People who have never seen baseball in person know that three strikes and you’re out at the old ball game. There is beauty in its simplicity. You can be a casual viewer and just be aware of the situation and what’s at stake. And you can also be a diehard fanatic and follow every single pitch, every play. How can such a simple game get so complex?
Baseball is all scenarios and statistics. It’s all about who is pitching and who is at the plate and who is on base and how many outs there are. Every single detail is accounted for and every single player is rated. This gives baseball a continuous feel. You know that Ty Cobb could play today. You know that Ichiro Suzuki could play back then. When you cheer for a team you can celebrate the accomplishments of the current roster and you also honor the past. I am a Giants fan, born in 1985. I never saw Willie Mays play, but I am proud that he was on my team. I can claim him as my own. You can’t do that with basketball, or football, or soccer. A baseball team has a legacy, a history, and if you are a fan of a team you celebrate the past, the future, the present.
Football has lost its way. You used to cheer for a team. Now everyone plays Fantasy Football and you cheer for individual players. You hope the Saints will lose but that Brees has a good game. That’s not what competition is. It’s about having pride for the team that represents you. It’s about each player having their moment to shine, but it’s the team that gets the win, not the individual.
The Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908. And they still have some of the most loyal fans in professional sports. You love your team, win or lose. And if they lose and you still root for them, each victory means more. That MLB: The Show commercial where the Cubs win the Series tugs at the heartstrings of every fan that knows what it’s like to lose. With the start of each new season, you hope that this is the year.
Like I said, I’m a Giants fan. I was brought up being a Giants fan. I heard stories of Willie Mays and Willie McCovey and Juan Marichal from my grandma. I grew up watching Barry Bonds (steroids or not, he was still the best player of that era). I experienced the joy of making it to the World Series and felt the despair of losing in spectacular fashion in 2002. And somehow we made it back and won in 2010. I went to the parade to celebrate. I felt that I helped contribute to the win just by watching and believing and hoping. My aunt thanked me for going to the parade and representing our family. It meant something to them that I was even there participating. I thought about all the Giants games that my grandma watched and how she never got to experience the thrill of a championship in her city. The game is more than a game; it’s a link between generations. A win for the Giants is a win for all the Giants fans across the ages.
Baseball has no time limit. It can go on forever, and sometimes it seems like it does. And it’s never over until you make the final out. Take the 2011 World Series for example. The Texas Rangers were a strike away from winning it all. And the Cardinals came back to tie it. And then the Rangers were a strike away from winning it all again. I remember commenting to my friend, “How many times are the Rangers going to have to win this game?”… And then the Cardinals came back again and won the game. And won again the next night. And they won the series even though logic and common sense said they should have lost.
The defense has the ball. That is different from most other sports. It adds drama, it adds tension. It’s a game of skill. The best players only hit the ball slightly more than three out of ten times. If you fail 70% of the time you are still considered good.
Baseball is a marathon not a sprint. The regular season lasts 162 games over 6 months. More games mean less tension. Each game is still important, but it’s not a matter of life or death. So you’ll see less fighting on the field and in the stands. You’ll still see rivalries and trash talking and the occasional fights, but you don’t see riots and brawls like with soccer. This helps to make it more of a family game. You go with your parents and grandparents when you’re young, and you go with your kids and grandkids when you’re old. And you talk about who’s on first, and what’s on second, and you laugh and joke and sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game.
Baseball is a great game. It is casual and complex and fun and frustrating. Sometimes it is all you have to talk about, all you have to live for. It’s more than a game. It’s a way of life. At least for 6 months out of the year.
Congratulations, it’s your birthday. And you got about a hundred posts on your Facebook wishing you a happy birthday. Each one of those people went out of their way to wish you a happy birthday. Some of them even mean it. And you honor that by responding to your birthday posts with a status update thanking them. That’s not proper netiquette. If a bunch of people individually wish you well on your date of birth, you should individually respond to them. Announcing to the internet that it’s your birthday and thanking them for acknowledging it is like yelling “THANK YOU” into a bullhorn: you sound like an asshole and you look like an asshole. Clicking the Like button on each post is the same damn thing. I know it’s your birthday, and I’m really glad that you made it another year without dying. You can at least respond with a simple “Thank You!” if someone tells you “Happy Birthday!!!”. You can even cut and paste the “Thank You!” if you want. At least that shows a little effort. Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you are above using manners.
What if a killer machine from the future was sent back in time to kill the mother of mankind’s only hope? And what if he had an Austrian accent for some reason? Well, we find out in James Cameron’s The Terminator, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as the titular Austrian killbot, Linda Hamilton as the unlucky mother of mankind’s only hope, and Michael Biehn as the time-travelling protector/impregnator or the mother of mankind’s only hope.
The Terminator is a less of a sci-fi flick and more of a chase movie that involves robots and time travel. In the future, machines have taken over the world and a guy named John Connor leads mankind in a war against them. The machines send a Terminator back in time to kill Sarah Connor before she can give birth to John Connor, with the goal of wiping out their main enemy before he’s even a fetus. Future John Connor takes offense to this attempt at preemptive abortion attempt and so he sends back a soldier named Kyle Reese to protect his mom. The Terminator and Kyle both arrive in 1984 Los Angeles and both try to find Sarah Connor before the other one. Kyle finds Sarah just in time and saves her from the Terminator, and he tells her about the future and that the Austrian that tried to kill her is actually a robot assassin.
The Terminator comes back and there’s a car chase and they escape again. Kyle and Sarah get picked up by the LAPD. And then the Terminator comes back and Kyle rescues Sarah again and they go to a hotel. They make bombs and have sex and then the Terminator comes back again. And there’s another car chase. The Terminator gets caught up in an explosion and stops looking like an Austrian tourist and more like a shiny metal robotic skeleton. Sarah kills the Terminator and drives off to Mexico to begin the rest of her life as the mother of mankind’s last hope.
This is the start of the best franchise about time-travelling killer robots from the future. It wasn’t Arnold’s first movie, and it wasn’t James Cameron’s first movie, but it was the movie that made them household names. Arnold Schwarzenegger became a star, even though he hardly says anything and half the time his character is onscreen it’s a phony looking dummy or a robotic exoskeleton. The action scenes are still exciting, but the special effects are laughable. Stop-motion robots aren’t menacing. It makes the film seem very dated. The story makes up for it though. It’s a cheesy B-movie in a lot of ways, and that adds to the retro charm. James Cameron can make an exciting action movie without much of a budget. And when he has a budget, he makes some of the biggest films of all time. This guy knows how to manipulate an audience. I don’t know why a robot needs a laser site though.
This movie gave us James Cameron, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Terminator 2. For that, we must always be grateful. It also gave us “I’ll be back”… one of the greatest movie lines ever. One way to tell the significance of a movie is how often people quote it. Even today, jerks across the world spout that line before they embark on a beer run. Cheesy special effects can’t deter an interesting story and a master storyteller with an Austrian puppet from creating a cinematic icon. The Terminator is a classic.
Jesse Frederick is a musician who has written some of the most well known songs of all time. You can’t even turn on the TV without hearing one of his catchy jingles. You might not know who he is, but if you’ve ever watched Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters, or Step by Step you have heard him. He wrote the theme song for all of those shows… that’s why they all sound the exact same. You’ve heard his songs a million times, they are a part of your childhood. And you didn’t even know that he existed. Shame on you.
I remember when Drive came out in theaters last year, a few people told me that I needed to see it, and I didn’t believe them. And now that I finally have seen it, I know that I was right. Drive is a pretty craptacular movie. It’s about a stuntman/mechanic who works as a getaway driver on the side, and he stumbles into a plot and gets in over his head and has to fight his way out. It sounds cool. It’s not.
I’ve never heard of the director, Nicolas Winding Refn, so I looked him up on Wikipedia and he hasn’t directed anything good and he looks like a doofus. I don’t like him. Ryan Gosling stars as the Driver. You never learn his name and you don’t care. He goes around wearing a stupid satin jacket with a giant scorpion on it. He works as a mechanic and as a Hollywood stunt driver, but his main thrill is driving getaway cars. The Driver works at a garage. His boss Shannon (Bryan Cranston) arranges his getaway jobs. The Driver has a few rules that he abides by: he never does a job for the same people twice, and they only have five minutes to do their shit before he drives off.
The Driver meets a girl in his apartment building named Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her young son Benicio. The Driver and Irene have some chemistry, and the Driver likes little Benicio and it seems like the love story will move along nicely, but then Irene’s husband Standard gets out of prison and comes home. Standard (Oscar Isaac) owes an Albanian Gangster named Cook some money, and Cook forces Standard to rob a pawnshop for him. The Driver decides to help Standard and offers his services as a getaway driver.
Standard, the Driver, and a random bitch rob the pawnshop, but things go wrong and Standard gets shot and dies. The Driver and the random bitch flee the scene with the money, but they are being chased by another car. So the Driver outdrives the other driver and they escape. And the Driver deduces that the random bitch set him up. And then some hitmen show up and kill the random bitch and the Driver kills them and escapes again.
The Driver tracks down the gangster Cook and he finds out that Nino (Ron Pearlman) is behind the heist. Ron Pearlman might be the ugliest guy in Hollywood. He looks like Eric Stoltz in Mask. Nino sends a hitman to kill the Driver. The Driver kills the hitman by repeatedly stomping his face into the ground, before looking at Irene with puppy dog eyes and wondering why she is so freaked out by him.
The Driver tracks down Nino and kills him and then goes after Nino’s partner Bernie (Albert Brooks). After he gives Bernie back the money in exchange for Irene and Benicio’s safety, Bernie stabs him. The Driver stabs him back and kills him. And then he doesn’t die, and he celebrates by driving off into the night without the girl.
This movie drags on and on. It was marketed as an action movie, but there’s not much action. There’s not even much dialog either. It just creeps along at a snail’s pace, pretending to be smarter than it really is. Compare this movie to Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs is an action movie without much action. But it’s riveting, it’s got a nice flow and pace, it never drags. Michael Madsen slices off a cop’s ear and it’s terrifying and you can’t look away even though you want to. In Drive, Albert Brooks kills a guy by stabbing him in the eye with a fork and hacking at him with a butcher’s knife. It was much more gruesome, but had no impact on the plot, and therefore is unnecessary and stupid. Tarantino’s Death Proof had much better driving scenes and stunts. This movie seems likes it’s trying to emulate Tarantino, but it fails miserably.
It’s false advertising to call a movie Drive when they don’t do much driving. They should call it Bore, because boring is a much more accurate description. This is not the worst movie ever, but I can’t respect you if this is your favorite movie.
criticallyrated 