Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

April 20, 2014 · 1:17 pm

Gorp

Gorp is a popular term for trail mix. I was brought up thinking that it stood for Good Old Raisins and Peanuts, but I’ve also heard that it stands for Granola, Oats, Raisins and Peanuts. No matter what you call it, it’s still the generic name for trail mix. Gorp is made to give you protein and energy while you’re hiking or camping, but it’s also popular as an everyday healthy snack. There are many variations of trail mix with all kinds of different ingredients like almonds, M&Ms, sunflower seed kernels, cashews, walnuts, and various types of dried fruit. You can eat gorp when you’re sitting on your ass watching TV at home, but it tastes best when you’re outside doing something. Food is fuel and gorp is gasoline. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I like how it sounds. It really does taste better than gasoline, I was being metaphorical.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 17, 2014 · 11:08 am

Giving a Deaf Couple a Braille Menu

I used to work at Chili’s and we had a hostess that was really pretty but really dumb. In fact, she was downright incompetent. I remember her finest moment. She sat a deaf couple in my section. I went over to greet them and take their order but they were too busy laughing to talk to me. I asked what was so funny. They held up the menus that the hostess gave them. They were in Braille. She gave the deaf couple a Braille menu. Let that sink in. You better believe that I gave her shit for that. She was a really nice girl but there was no way I could let that slide. Giving deaf people a Braille menu is a whole new kind of stupid.
Critically Rated at 3/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 14, 2014 · 12:25 pm

Nectarines Are Just Bald Peaches

Some people think that nectarines and peaches are different fruits. Some people even think that nectarines are a hybrid fruit crossbred from peaches and plums. Some people are ignorant and shouldn’t be on your team for Trivia Nights. The truth is that nectarines are just bald peaches. Really. They are the same species. Peaches have the dominant gene for fuzzy skin while nectarines have the recessive gene. Patrick Stewart also has the recessive gene. Peaches get all the glory because they have fuzz. Nectarines are neglected. Like your personal hygiene.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 10, 2014 · 12:49 pm

Ballpark Food

You’ve never truly experienced a hotdog until you’ve eaten one at a baseball game. A hotdog is ballpark food and it tastes best at the stadium with your favorite team on the field. There’s something about being at the ballpark that makes food taste better. Hotdogs and Polish sausages and corndogs become a delicacy. Cotton candy is sweeter and fluffier. Peanuts are crunchier, sunflower seeds are saltier, and the Cracker Jacks are top notch. Different ballparks have different menus that reflect their region. They have crab fries in Philly, carne asada fries in San Diego, and garlic fries in San Francisco. Ballpark food is going gourmet too. You can find some truly amazing dishes at stadiums around the MLB. Of course no ballpark meal is complete without a ballpark beer to wash it down with. A ballpark beer is a regular beer, only far more refreshing and five times as expensive.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2014 · 9:13 am

Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra Core

Karamel Sutra Core is another gourmet ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s chocolate ice cream, caramel ice cream, fudge chips, and a soft caramel core in the middle. To put it lightly, it’s rich. It’s too rich. The chocolate ice cream is creamy and heavy. The caramel ice cream is sweet and smooth. The fudge chips add crunch and texture but add to the overall sweetness. And the caramel core is almost too much. This is the type of ice cream that you take a spoonful of and stop eating because you feel guilty about all the starving kids in China. Then you take another spoonful and think about all the starving kids in Africa. Then you take another spoonful and say fuck it. There might be starving kids, but there’s no way that they’d appreciate this ice cream as much as you do. This isn’t the best flavor in Ben & Jerry’s Core Lineup, but it’s possibly the most indulgent and excessive.

Critically Rated at12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2014 · 2:18 pm

Cutting the Cake

So it’s your birthday and it looks like someone bought you a cake. It says “Happy Birthday,” it has your name on it, and it has more candles than you would like to see on it. You think of a wish, you blow out all the candles, then you pluck out the candles and lick the frosting off of them, and then it’s time to cut the cake. Cutting the cake is the least fun part of the cake experience. It’s actually work. You have to cut a slice, plop it on a plate, and hand it to somebody. Then you cut another slice, plop it on a plate, and hand it to somebody else. Then you cut another piece, plop it on a plate, and hand it to another person, but that person doesn’t want too much frosting so you have to cut another piece with less frosting and you serve them that. And then somebody else wants a corner slice. And somebody else only wants half a slice. And somebody else wants a slice with blue frosting. You’re over it after cutting five or six slices. Everybody’s too demanding and nobody is satisfied. Let them cut their own fucking piece. It’s your birthday; you shouldn’t have to do anything.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Youngcakecutting7a

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March 19, 2014 · 11:51 am

Cheez-It Hot & Spicy

Cheez-It is a brand of snack crackers made with real cheese, and Cheez-It Hot & Spicy is a hot and spicy version of them. It’s made with Tabasco, but it’s the green Tabasco, not the normal red one. You know, the red one that everybody prefers. They still taste good, but it’s disappointing because you know that they could have tasted better. They are salty, cheesy, and they have a little jalapeno kick. They are spicy, but they aren’t really spicy. I would say they are on the mild side of medium. I could eat a bag of them, but buying a box would be a waste. Whatever, it’s good to see that Tabasco is still around in this Sriracha-dominated society. Don’t get me wrong, Sriracha is the shit but Tabasco is an originator. You might get a little cracker residue on your hands, but they aren’t really greasy. It’s a satisfying snack and it cures the munchies. I’m happy.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 11, 2014 · 12:10 pm

Ben & Jerry’s That’s My Jam Core

Ben & Jerry’s recently released their line of Core ice creams, which are ice creams with an inner core of fudge, caramel, or jam. This way you always get the perfect spoonful of ice cream. That’s My Jam is chocolate and raspberry ice creams with fudge chips and a raspberry jam core. It tastes even better than it sounds. The chocolate ice cream is rich and creamy. The raspberry ice cream is sweet and smooth. The fudge chips give it a little texture and gives you an extra chocolatey kick in the mouth. The jam is soft, sticky, slightly sour, and it spreads easily to get the perfect swirl on your spoon. I generally prefer fruit flavors over chocolate, but this is a perfect medley of the two. This is a great ice cream and an amazing treat. Ben & Jerry’s Core lineup is the greatest innovation in ice cream technology since the invention of Dippin’ Dots.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2014 · 11:55 am

Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused Core

Ben & Jerry’s recently released new ice cream flavors that they dubbed Cores. They are called Cores because they have a core of fudge, caramel, or jam. It’s pretty brilliant idea, now you can have a perfect spoonful of ice cream every time. I bought a pint of Hazed & Confused Core as soon as I discovered them at the store. Hazed & Confused is chocolate and hazelnut ice creams with fudge chips and a hazelnut fudge core. The chocolate ice cream is smooth and rich, the hazelnut ice cream is creamy and nutty, the fudge chips add a little bit of crunch and texture, but the hazelnut fudge core steals the show. It’s basically a column of Nutella right smack in the middle of your pint. It’s beyond delicious. It’s indescribable how amazing this ice cream is. You have to try it. Like right now. Stop reading about Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused Core and go buy a pint for yourself. You shan’t regret it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 26, 2014 · 12:44 pm

Sriracha

Sriracha is one of the best hot sauces/condiments known to mankind. It goes great with everything, on anything, and with all types of cuisine. It’s spicy but not overly spicy compared to Tabasco or Tapatío. Sriracha is extremely popular right now. Most people know what it is, but most people don’t know how to pronounce it correctly. Seriously. There are YouTube videos instructing you how to say it properly. But everybody says it wrong and everybody says it wrong the same way, so you’ll be considered wrong if you pronounce it the right way. The most popular and recognized brand of Sriracha is made by Huy Fong Foods, Inc. It has a drawing of a rooster on the bottle, so a lot of people call it rooster sauce or cock sauce. Haha, cock sauce. If you haven’t experienced Sriracha yet, you are missing out on one of the best things in life. Sriracha should be a top priority on your bucket list.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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February 20, 2014 · 1:26 pm

El Sabroso Pork Cracklins

I’ve never had pork rinds and I wanted to try pork rinds. So I bought El Sabroso brand Pork Cracklins. It’s Fried Out Pork Fat With Attached Skin, Salsa Packet Included. Sounds appetizing, doesn’t it. When you open the bag and take a whiff you can smell salt and meat. Each pork cracklin is salty, crunchy, and crispy. I tried a few without the salsa first and they were quite delightful. The taste and texture reminds me of a corn nut combined with popcorn and the blackest part of burnt bacon. It took me about five minutes to think of a good enough analogy to describe the flavor, so you better appreciate that. I wasn’t sure how to use the salsa. Should I pour it in the bag with the pork cracklins or should I use a little ramekin or dipping bowl? I ended up dumping some cracklins on a plate and pouring the salsa over some and leaving a pool for dipping. The salsa doesn’t make them better per se, but it does soften them up a little and makes them more spicy. They are good with or without the salsa, and the salsa seems to be kind of messy and unnecessary. It doesn’t seem like a convenient snack to eat on the go. They are good though. I know that I like pork rinds now. You should try them if you are unsure of your pork rind status. Just remember that they aren’t kosher.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 19, 2014 · 12:11 pm

Kettle Brand Sriracha Potato Chips

The Sriracha hot sauce phenomenon continues with the introduction of Kettle Brand Sriracha Potato Chips. Kettle Chips are my favorite potato chips and Sriracha is my go-to hot sauce, and this seems like a winning combination. When you open the bag, you’re instantly hit with an intense pepper aroma. It’s like a mild spraying of mace in your face. You can tell that it’s going to be hot right away. I took a chip, popped it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed it. It wasn’t that spicy at first, but Sriracha is deceptive and that’s why I love it. Just when you think that you’re in the clear, it creeps up on you. Your tongue starts to tingle and the fire starts to burn. Your eyes might water and you might start to sweat if you’re not used to spicy foods. And that’s just the first chip. If you’re an amateur, I would advise not shoveling a handful of chips in your mouth because you’ll regret it. The Sriracha flavor lingers and gets hotter and hotter well after the chip is gone. It’s like shotgunning beers. You think that you can handle it and then it suddenly hits you and you realize that you made a big mistake. These are damn good chips. I just wasn’t prepared for them and now I’m sweating like a motherfucker. Make sure you have something to drink when you eat them and that there’s a fire extinguisher near by.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 18, 2014 · 12:19 pm

Girl Scout Cookies

Girl Scout Cookies are cookies that Girl Scouts sell. They only sell them a few times each year, so people freak out when its Girl Scout Cookie time. Seriously, grown ass adults go all Cookie Monster when they see a box of Do-si-dos. They will run up to you and ask you where and when you got them. Then they will track down that Girl Scout troop and buy as many boxes as they can carry, then they will come back for more. People stockpile Girl Scout Cookies. They will buy multiple boxes of multiple flavors and hoard them in the cupboard.

There are a few different flavors and varieties of Girl Scout Cookies. But the only ones worth buying are Do-si-dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, and Thin Mints. Thin Mints are the best ones. There is no argument. They are the most popular, the number one seller. And they get even better when you put them in the freezer. It’s all about frozen Thin Mints straight from the freezer. Game over. They taste so good that you get mad those bitches don’t sell them year round.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2014 · 8:52 am

Skittles Desserts

It’s always a good day when you discover a new type of Skittles. Yesterday I discovered Skittles Desserts and my life is a little bit better now. Skittles Desserts have intriguing flavors like Key Lime Pie, Orange Créme, Raspberry Sorbet, Strawberry Milkshake, and Blueberry Tart. Key Lime Pie tastes kind of limey, but not key lime pie-y. Orange Créme tastes like orange crème. Strawberry Milkshake tastes like strawberries and cream. Raspberry Sorbet is sweet, sour, delicious, and the best flavor in the pack. Blueberry Tart definitely tastes like blueberries. All in all, Skittles Desserts is a pretty solid offering and it will satisfy your sweet tooth. It’s not the best type of Skittles but it’s not the worst. Try them. You might just find that you have a new favorite candy.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 7, 2014 · 9:54 am

Too Good to Eat

I work in a restaurant so I’m well aware that food presentation is important. You could have made the best dish of all time, but nobody will eat it if it looks like a pile of shit. And something that tastes mediocre will taste better if it looks appetizing. But sometimes things are simply too good to eat. Case in point: a family friend made a cake for my sister’s baby shower. The cake looked like an elephant. It had gray frosting and its trunk and ears were made out of marshmallow treats. Everybody was impressed with it, everyone was taking pictures of it and posting it on Facebook and Instagram. When it finally became time to cut the cake, nobody wanted to do it. It would have been like burning a painting and nobody wants to destroy art. The cake literally was too good to eat. Someone eventually caved in and cut it, plopped some cake on a plate and handed it to me. It was no longer an elephant. It was just a slice of gray cake. It tasted good, but it was even better when it was still an intact culinary creation. Some things that are too good to eat really are too good to eat.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young1517593_10151811024085882_1542971137_n

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January 4, 2014 · 8:58 am

Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar

Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar is a chocolate bar with real bits of bacon. They describe it on the package as being 62% dark chocolate with Hickory smoked uncured bacon and Alderwood smoked salt. It tastes like your standard dark chocolate candy bar. You wouldn’t know that there was bacon in it unless someone told you it wasn’t kosher. It has a little bit of a salty taste, but you can hardly detect any bacon. It’s good. It’s just not bacon-good. I was a little disappointed. I wanted more bacon. It was way too subtle. If you’re advertising a bacon candy bar, I expect to taste some fucking bacon. For shame, for shame.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 21, 2013 · 7:41 am

Sweet Chili Wonderful Pastachios

Sweet Chili Wonderful Pistachios are a brand of sweet-chili flavored pistachios. Dez are good nutz. Put dem in yo mouth and suck on dat. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. Dez nutz just get me excited I guess. They are slightly above mild and slightly below medium on the hotness scale. I can eat about four or five of them until I start sweating a little bit. Wonderful brand pistachios are crunchy and consistent, with only occasional burnt or misshapen pistachios finding their way into the bag. The spice flavor on the shells might leave a little residue on your fingertips, but it’s nothing compared to the damage a Dorito does. It’s salty, it’s spicy, and it goes well with a beer. Give Sweet Chili Wonderful Pistachios a try.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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