Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

May 22, 2012 · 8:54 am

Changing Light Bulbs

Sometimes it gets dark when I’m hanging out at home, so I’ll respond by turning on the lights. It’s really nice to be able to see your surroundings and what you’re doing. It’s easy to take indoor lighting for granted, but all things must come to an end, and eventually your light bulbs will dim and you have to change them. It’s kind of sad. It’s like the end of an era. Especially with these new fluorescent bulbs that last longer than Ron Jeremy. I never have spare bulbs either, so if one burns out I get a new one from the store. I don’t pay attention to wattage, I just get the cheapest one so all my lights are mismatched. I’m always a little nervous about getting electrocuted screwing in the new bulb. Technology scares me.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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May 21, 2012 · 11:29 am

A Random Shoe on the Ground

You’re walking down the street and you happen to notice a random shoe on the ground. It’s just lying there, slightly worn-out, but otherwise a perfectly decent shoe. You wonder what happened to the other half of the pair. There aren’t any other shoes around. No socks either for that matter. How does a person lose a shoe and walk away without noticing? And what do they do with the shoe that they still have? It’s useless without its twin.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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May 19, 2012 · 8:51 am

Talking to Babies

I’m at that stage in life where my friends that I grew up with have started popping out babies. And so you have to come over and meet the baby. The proud mother and father introduce you to their little bundle of joy, and they expect you to coo and make a fuss over how cute the little rascal is. I know what to say to the parents. You just gotta compare the baby to them: “Awww, she has your eyes. You’re lucky she doesn’t have his nose.” But what I don’t like is when they expect you to talk to the baby. What are you supposed to say? The baby can’t hold a conversation, it’s a fucking baby. It’s not even listening to me; it’s too busy shitting itself. I end up with a fake ass ear-to-ear smile, saying “Hello” and “Hi there” over and over again, each time in a higher pitched voice. I’m not saying I don’t like your baby… I just don’t want to have an awkward one-sided conversation with a person that’s closer to a fetus than a toddler.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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May 18, 2012 · 11:01 am

Pets with People Names

People are people. Pets are pets. People should have people names. Pets should have pet names. You aren’t going to name your kid Fido or Spot. Those are pet names, and your baby is a person. But for whatever reason, people insist on giving pets people names. It doesn’t work out so well. There’s something weird about warning a new houseguest that Billy might sniff their crotch. Don’t get weirded out if Bruce humps your leg. There are exceptions to the rule, like naming a pit bull Steve McQueen or paying homage to your best friend by naming your potbelly pig after him. But for most part, there is no valid reason for naming your dog Jason.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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May 13, 2012 · 9:55 am

Looking at the Time and Instantly Forgetting It

We’ve all been there before. You are bored at work or you are waiting for a movie, and you pull out your phone and glance at the time. You don’t really care what time it is, it’s just something to do. So anyway, you glance at the time, and put your phone back. Then you realize that you didn’t really absorb what your phone said and you still have no idea what time it is. So you whip out your phone and look at the time again. And it’s still 8:57 and nothing has changed, but you feel like a dumbass.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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May 10, 2012 · 9:33 am

Sticks

I like being outside. I like camping and hiking and tromping through the woods. I know that I’m still a little kid at heart because I like to pick up sticks. And my imagination soars when I have that piece of wood in my hand. Sometimes it’s a magic wand and I gotta fight Voldemort. Sometimes it’s a sword and I gotta fight Captain Hook. Sometimes it’s a light saber and I use it to stab George Lucas for habitually ruining Star Wars. I like to break them. When I’m camping I’ll bust out my pocketknife and carve one. Occasionally I throw a stick for a dog or a toddler to run after and fetch. I’m not too good with kids, but they seem to love that game.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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May 9, 2012 · 8:03 am

Leaving Your Keys in the Front Door

Sometimes you get drunk and stumble home. Or maybe you were really tired from working at the office all day. Either way, you come home incoherent and somehow find your bed before you pass out. You wake up the next morning feeling the effects of a successful night, but you can’t find your keys. Your wallet, phone and left sock are all accounted for, but your keys are nowhere to be seen. You know you had them, you got inside somehow, right? You try to retrace your steps, you ransack your room, you look in the fridge, and when you’re about to give up, you decide to look outside. You go out the front door, check out in front and head back inside. And then you see your keys… in the lock on your front door. Good times.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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May 8, 2012 · 9:58 am

Waking Up Before Your Alarm Goes Off

There you are in Slumberland, dreaming of soft fluffy clouds and falling kittens, but then your damn alarm goes off and yanks you back to reality. Your peaceful dreams are destroyed by an annoying buzzing sound. Getting annoyed awake is a terrible way to start your day. Every once in a while I get lucky. My dream will end on it’s own accord and I start gradually waking up. I’ll open one eye and glance at the time, and notice I have a minute before that shit goes off. So I turn it off so I don’t have to hear it, and open my other eye. It feels great to start your day with a little victory like that. It’s great to wake up a few minutes before your alarm. It sucks when you wake up an hour or two before it goes off and you can’t get back to sleep though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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May 6, 2012 · 8:58 am

The Wrong Response

We’ve all been there before. Someone asks you “How are you?”, and you respond with “Not much”. That’s the wrong response. And it’s awkward. There’s no way to counteract the fact you said the wrong thing. You fucked up.  And they know it. You just have to embrace it and ignore it and hope they didn’t notice. But they did. And they are laughing at you for it. “What’s up?”… “12:15, maybe 12:30.” Just give up on the conversation and walk away.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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May 5, 2012 · 8:23 am

Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo or Cinco de Drinko is a Mexican holiday to celebrate the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over the French and the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. In the United States it’s a day to celebrate Mexican heritage and to get shitfaced on Corona, Tecate, and tequila. Cinco de Mayo means the Fifth of May, and it’s celebrated on the first fat Tuesday in May.

This is actually a pseudo-holiday. Most of Mexico ignores the holiday, except for the people of Puebla. It was a recognized holiday in California since 1863, and gained rising popularity in the 1940s-‘60s. And then the beer companies started promoting it as a drinking day, a Mexican St. Patrick’s Day. And that’s where we are today. Just another excuse to get fucked up and not get judged for it. I’ll take it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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May 1, 2012 · 8:56 am

Sit-down Restaurants Without a Host Stand

Consistency is key. If you discover a new restaurant that looks interesting, you should be able to enter the establishment and see the host stand. Then you tell the host how many are in your party, and she will take you to a table where you can have a seat and look over the menu. Then your server comes over and takes your order and you relax and socialize while the cooks make your food, then the food comes out and you eat it. And then you pay (and you tip 20% because you’re not cheap), and then you leave. Simple, easy, and the standard way to do it.

But then there are stupid restaurants that don’t have a host stand. These trendy restaurants try to make up their own rules, like getting customers to order in line and pay in advance for food, and not having a waiter, so you have no idea who to ask for hot sauce or another round of drinks or order dessert from. The shitty place I went to last night didn’t even have booze (essential to survive any family dinner). No host stand means trouble. It means they have their own rules that only regulars know. They make the outsiders feel stupid for not knowing how to order. Restaurants should all follow the same basic procedure so you don’t feel like a dumbass for not knowing their absurd ordering process. If I go into a new place and don’t know how to get the food that I want in my stomach, then I will go somewhere that wants me to order their food.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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April 30, 2012 · 8:41 am

Hand Lotion

Hand lotion is important. It keeps your hands from getting died out. In an arid climate, it’s a godsend. It’s always good to have hand lotion around. Just be careful where you leave it. If you’re a guy and you have your lotion next to a box of Kleenex, you are viewed as a pervert. There’s no way to avoid the situation. It looks like masturbating is your favorite hobby. Hand lotion and Kleenex should be at least five feet from each other at all times, or else people will talk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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April 29, 2012 · 10:09 am

Things You Say Wrong

My mom’s an English teacher and I’m an asshole, so I’m a grammar nazi. I’m also hip to technology, and so I’m on the Facebook. When I go on Facebook and see that your day was better than mine and you spelled something wrong, it’s only natural that I will correct you. It makes me feel better about myself.

If you’ve ever called someone and told them their refrigerator was running, and that they should go catch it, you just did a “crank call”, not a “prank call”. Yes, it was a prank, but it was a crank call.

If you ever said, “I should of” done something, you should’ve paid attention in school. You would’ve gotten better grades if you realized that “could have” is abbreviated to “could’ve”, which sounds like “could of”. But one of them makes sense, and one of them makes you seem retarded.

“Your” is possessive. “You’re” means “you are”. If you say “Your dumb”, it means that you’re dumb.

When you shower you are “buck naked”, not “butt naked”. I don’t know why, but that’s just what it is. I don’t make the rules: I just point them out and try to make you feel stupid.

Sticking your middle finger up is “flipping” people off, not “flicking” them off. You are flipping the bird, not flicking off a booger.

While I’m on the subject of shit you say wrong, let me address the fact that it is 2012. Almost everyone has a smart phone. With a full keyboard. So there is no need to be typing like a 6th grader in an AOL chat room. You aren’t saving that much time by writing out “C U 2 @ 8 tom”. It just makes you seem dumb and lazy. It’s time to grow up. Would you respect a lawyer or a doctor who can’t or won’t spell a three-letter word?

Everyone uses computers. We have spelling and grammar corrected automatically. And people still suck at the basics. It’s pathetic. The world thinks Americans are dumb, and when I go on Facebook and see these pathetically monkey-typed statuses I can’t blame them for thinking that.

I really hoped that I fucked up multiple times writing this article. Then you could point out more mistakes from another dumb American.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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April 29, 2012 · 10:04 am

Forgetting to Clip One Nail

I clip my fingernails every few days. I usually do a good job at it too. I trim them all, and they look decently presentable. But every once in a while I forget to clip one fingernail. Occasionally it’s a thumbnail. There’s only one solution: to bite it off. Just make sure no one sees you biting it, cause they will judge you and label you a nail biter. All because of forgetting to clip one fingernail.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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April 28, 2012 · 9:29 am

Boxers

Guys like going commando. Free and easy, just letting it all hang out, free ballin’… it’s a great feeling.  But society looks down on that. Freedom is for people, not for penises and scrotums to enjoy. Society stresses underwear. Sorry genitals. But there is a great option: boxers. They are like the loose shorts of the underwear world. It’s like going commando without the guilt. Now your junk can enjoy the breeze, and you’re not a sleaze. Boxer briefs are dumb. They look dumb and they are dumb. Whitie-tighties are even dumber. Those are some intellectually inferior undergarments. So dumb. Boxers are smart. Your junk won’t lose circulation, you have easy access for urination, and everyday is a celebration.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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April 26, 2012 · 9:26 am

Old Spice Denali Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant

Guys sweat and sweat smells bad and guys need to smell good to get girls. And so they invented deodorant to keeps you from smelling bad. It wasn’t enough, and so they upped the ante and made anti-perspirant so you don’t sweat either. Old Spice is the best deodorant for guys. It’s like a tradition that passes from father to son. Everyone’s used Old Spice at some point. The Denali scent “smells like wilderness, open air & freedom”.  It’s a very crisp, clean scent, and the ladies like to smell my armpits when I wear it. Look out for white powder residue, that shit gets everywhere.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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April 24, 2012 · 8:46 am

One-Strap Gap Backpacks

I remember doing back to school shopping with my mom a few days before I started high school. I remember thinking that I’m going to a brand new school, that I could start a brand new me. A cool new me. And a One-Strap Gap Backpack would set me apart; I would be cool and trendy and would stand out. I would soon find out that those backpacks suck. They can’t hold shit, they are uncomfortable, and there was nothing wrong with the old two-strap backpacks. That was way back in 1999. Right around the time as those dumb ergonomic keyboards that were supposed to change the world. No one uses those stupid things anymore. But I still see people with One-Strap Gap Backpacks. It’s quaint. It’s as close as a Californian comes to seeing Amish people.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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