Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

November 26, 2012 · 11:54 am

Your Birthday Time

Other than 4:20, my favorite part of the day is my birthday time. That’s the magical part of the day when the clock displays your birthday. My birthday is April 29 or 4/29, so my birthday time is 4:29. Your birthday time doesn’t mean anything, but it’s nice to see it. We’re all selfish bastards who secretly want to be the center of the universe so we expect some sort of acknowledgement when the clock shows our birthday time.

It sucks for Europeans because they use the 24-hour clock and also put the day before the month. For example, my European birthday would be 29/4 and there is no 29 o’clock. That’s probably another reason why the world hates Americans so much: because we can celebrate our birthday twice a day instead of only once a year. Let me know the next time your birthday time makes an appearance and we’ll give you a toast.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 25, 2012 · 9:51 am

Folding Chairs

Is a chair still a chair if nobody is sitting in it? Philosophers have debated that question for centuries. One thing they all agree is that an unused chair is useless because nobody is using it. But no one did anything about it until some guy invented folding chairs. Now an empty chair can be folded up and stuck in the closet until the next time you have people over. Folding chairs will never replace stationary chairs, but there’s no denying their practicality. I can’t think of anything witty to say about folding chairs. Ummm, how about this one: folding chairs seem to be the weapon of choice for professional wrestlers. That’s kind of decent. I wish more folding chairs had armrests. People like portable seating, but elbow support is nice too.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 22, 2012 · 10:14 am

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving (or Turkey Day as it’s known on Facebook) is a day for Americans to sit around a table with family and friends and get even fatter. Americans already have more food each day than half the world, but Thanksgiving really lets us show off our gluttony. The average Thanksgiving feast is pretty extravagant: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, rolls, some sort of salad, cranberries, pumpkin pie, wine for the adults, sparkling cider for the kids, and leftovers for days. There are starving kids in China and we complain about being in a food coma.

Pretending to be thankful is the way that we justify eating a week’s worth of food during one meal. You hold hands and give thanks for the food, for another year together, for a roof over your head, for a new Star Wars trilogy. You’re not really grateful. You take that shit for granted. But that’s ok. We’re Americans. We are supposed to be assholes. That’s why the world hates us. It doesn’t matter though, the turkey tastes delicious.

Thanksgiving is one of the last real holidays. The candy companies and greeting card companies haven’t found a way to exploit it yet. I’m actually thankful for that. Despite my cynicism, Thanksgiving is usually one of my favorite Thursdays of the year.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 22, 2012 · 10:10 am

Spider on the Wall

I’m not arachnophobic or anything, but that spider on the wall has got to go. He’s slowly creeping along, acting like he owns the place. This is my room and you are not welcome here. You’re always making spider webs in the ceiling corners and in my closet. I don’t even know how one spider can make so many webs. So fuck you, spider on the wall. I could trap you with a cup and a piece of paper and set you free outside, but I prefer squishing you with a piece of toilet paper and leaving your guts smeared on my wall as a warning to your eight legged brethren.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2012 · 9:40 am

Hitting Every Green Light

There’s a magical time downtown each night where there are no cars on the road and every single intersection is just for you. You start driving down the street at the perfect speed, each red light dissolving away as you approach. You’re hitting every green light. Your brakes could be cut and it wouldn’t matter because there’s no stopping you. This is what it feels like to be at the center of the universe. Hitting every green light is an urban miracle, proof that the traffic gods do exist.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Dueling Banjos

The next time you’re with a group of people and there’s an awkward silence, you can relieve the tension by slowing singing the first few bars of Dueling Banjos. Your friends might stare blankly at you at first, but sing the bars again. A light bulb will go off in someone’s head and they will sing the next bit. Then you repeat your part a little bit faster, and he does his part faster, then you go, then he goes. Everyone will start square dancing rowdily within a minute. Yee-haw. I realize that this isn’t really a review, but randomly singing Dueling Banjos is fun and I recommend you try it out during a lapse in conversation during your Thanksgiving feast.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2012 · 12:02 pm

Sitting Next to an Arguing Couple

Everyone has been forced to listen to a couple arguing in public at some point. It’s pretty much inevitable. Most of the time you can simply walk away or turn up your headphones louder. Sometimes there’s no escape, like if you’re unfortunate enough to be trapped at a restaurant. Sitting next to an arguing couple is unbearable and uncomfortable. Something about arguing couples makes you revert to being a little kid listening to your parents scream at each other. I’d rather see some hardcore PDA instead.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2012 · 9:44 am

# Sign

If you’ve ever looked at a pencil, a phone, or a Twitter post, you have seen the # sign. On a pencil it’s a number sign. On a phone it’s a pound sign. On Twitter it’s a hash tag. So what do you call an isolated # sign? Number, pound, or hash? The answer is D): None of the above. It’s called an octothorp (or octothorpe). Back in the day, a thorpe was a village. Lazy mapmakers would use the # sign to indicate a village surrounded by 8 fields. Over the centuries, different uses for the symbol resulted in different names. In this technological age, it’s been relegated to being the hash tag symbol. But on playgrounds around the world, the # sign is still the preferred way to play Tic-Tac-Toe. #Octothorp. #BringingItBack.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2012 · 9:41 am

The Slowest Cashier

You run into the store for a bottle of water. You’re in kind of a rush, so you just want to grab the bottle, pay, and get out. But the universe has other plans. You grab a bottle and head to the cashier and are dismayed to see one cashier and five people waiting in line. Not only is there only one cashier, it’s the slowest cashier. Of all time. This guy doesn’t even seem familiar with a twenty-dollar bill. He can’t bag your purchases. He can’t run credit cards without calling his manager for assistance. You stand in line, you pout and sigh and check your phone every 5 seconds, but the line isn’t moving. I know that patience is a virtue, but this is malarkey.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:29 am

First Gray Hair

I woke up the other morning and trudged my way to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth. As I stood half-asleep gazing at my reflection, something caught my eye. A flash of white in the midst of my dark brown hair. I grabbed some tweezers and plucked out a tuft of hair in the offending area. There it was, a single strand of gray hair surrounded by its youthful fellow follicles. Life is full of accomplishments: learning to walk, learning to talk, first day of school, losing your first tooth, puberty, etc. Your first gray hair is not an accomplishment. It’s a reminder that you are going to die. Growing up, you assume that you are immortal, but then you see your first gray hair and reality slaps you in the face. You are getting older and older, and each heartbeat is one closer to death. Try not to dwell on it and have a nice day.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:25 am

Calling Shotgun

You’re hanging out with a few friends and it’s time to go to lunch. Steve volunteers to drive and your gang starts to head to his car. The closer you get to the car, the more tension is rising between you and the other passengers. Someone is going to be riding shotgun, and everyone else has to sit in the back. It’s just a matter of seeing who says “shotgun” first. The only universal rule to calling shotgun is that you have to visibly see the car in order to claim the front seat. Blind people are terrible at this part. The first one to call shotgun gets to ride in the front seat. Riding shotgun is legit. You are the co-pilot. You get all the perks of being in the driver’s seat without being responsible for anyone’s life. You have a great view, your own door, your own window that is capable of rolling all the way down, you even have access to the radio and can DJ for the car ride. And the legroom, my god, so much legroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2012 · 10:31 am

A Pencil Sharpener That Doesn’t Sharpen

People use pencils because people make mistakes. You can simply erase away all evidence of your terrible spelling. The best kind of pencil is a sharpened pencil. Nobody likes a dull pencil, that’s boring (possibly the most clever pun of all time).  The best way to get a sharp pencil is to use a pencil sharpener (or a mechanical pencil, but that’s beside the point. Damn, there’s another pun). There are some shoddy pencil sharpeners out there. You stick in the pencil, you twist it, it looks ok, but then the tip breaks off as soon as you put pressure on it. A pencil sharpener that doesn’t sharpen is the definition of uselessness. Your pencil will just keep getting shorter and shorter as you grind away, struggling majestically to obtain a perfect tip that will never be.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2012 · 10:07 am

Status Worthy

Shit happens. Shit happens all the time, every day, to everybody. And when something happens to you, you want to share it with the world. But you should ask yourself if it’s status worthy before you post it on Facebook. Bitching about how much work you have to do is not status worthy. Nobody cares and nobody wants to hear it. Nobody cares about the mundane. Your status should be noteworthy, that’s why they call it a newsfeed. It’s supposed to be news, it’s supposed to be interesting, intriguing, and relevant. Things that are status worthy: getting a new job, running into a celebrity, grandma/grandpa/someone dying, and stuff like that. Things that aren’t status worthy: Bible quotes, song lyrics, what you had for dinner, an intentionally vague status that’s just a cry for attention, et cetera. I realize that everybody is guilty of posting crap that nobody cares about, but we can make the Internet a better place if we try, one status at a time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2012 · 10:42 am

Double Parking

If you live in the city and drive, you hate people who double park. These motherfuckers stop in the middle of the road, put on their hazard lights, and make you drive into oncoming traffic to get around them. Sometimes the driver isn’t even in the fucking car. Now you don’t even know who to flip off. The weirdest thing about double parking is that it’s always somehow justified when you do it. Funny how the universe works.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2012 · 9:55 am

The Wrong Car

You’re waiting for your friend to pick you up because carpooling is the shit and gas is expensive. He texts you and tells you to go outside. You grab your stuff and head outside and see him pulling up. As he slows down and you grab the door handle to open it, you realize that it’s not his car and this is not your friend. You were about to get in the wrong car. And that driver thinks you’re trying to car jack him. All you can do is laugh it off and apologize. The wrong car got you again.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2012 · 9:52 am

Seat Backs

You’re at a party or a bar and you’re one of the lucky ones to get a seat. You don’t have to stand around drinking your beer like an animal. But then nature calls and you have to go to the bathroom. Before you leave it’s vital that you say “Seat Backs.” You don’t want to get into a dispute over a chair, but friendships have ended for that very reason. People will claim ownership over anything and fight to defend it. There are many variations on seat backs. Different people call it different things but the meaning is the same. If you call dibs on your chair, that is your chair. You can go to the bathroom and come back to reclaim your seat. The important thing is that other people hear you when you call seat backs. Nobody will believe you said it if they didn’t hear you say it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2012 · 12:34 pm

Rain Ponchos

It’s starting to rain and you left your umbrella at home. You can either buy a new umbrella, brave the rain and get soaked, or you can wear a plastic garbage bag and pretend that it’s a poncho. Real rain ponchos are better though. Real rain ponchos are sometimes more practical than umbrellas. They are foldable, more portable and they look like cloaks, which makes them more fashionable. You can’t really get away with wearing cloaks these days but a plastic poncho will suffice. Ponchos are just another item in our arsenal against global warming. Bring it on.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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