Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Divider Stick

A divider stick is a piece of plastic that you find in grocery stores and convenience shops near the cashier. You put your groceries on the little conveyer belt and use the divider stick to create a temporary boundary around your stuff. It separates your items from everyone else’s inferior products. We use them because we are weird and oddly overly protective of things we haven’t bought yet. When the cashier starts to ring up the person if front of you, you should take his divider stick and give it to the person behind you. It’s polite and it’s etiquette and your mom wants you to do the right thing. You can also use the divider stick as a makeshift weapon in case of a robbery, but I wouldn’t recommend it because they aren’t very formidable.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tell Them I Say Hi

You’re hanging out with some friends when one of your mutual friends calls you from out of state. You have a brief conversation and you mention that you’re with a couple of people, and he tells you to “Tell them I say hi.” You say you will, you hang up, and you don’t tell them that he said hi. And why would you? He doesn’t really expect you to tell them that he said hi. He just said that to acknowledge their presence, that he remembers that they exist, and they are his friends too. He doesn’t want to me to actually tell them that he says hi. I’m always worried about telling them that he said hi and then they say to tell him hi back. And I do, and then he tells me to ask them how they are doing. And I do, and then they say they are doing fine and to ask him how he is doing. And I do, and then he tells me to tell them that he is good and that they should come out the next time he’s in town. And I do, and then they tell me to tell him that sounds like fun and that he should shoot them a text soon. I don’t want to be the messenger. I’m not an owl. If you want to tell them hi, do it yourself and leave me out of it.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Person’s Laugh

A person’s laugh is like a fingerprint. Each one is unique. You can recognize your best friend’s laugh in a crowded room. You can tell when they are genuinely laughing or if it’s just a pity laugh. Some people chuckle, some people guffaw, some have amazing, theatrical laughs, and some have awkward, annoying squeals. But a person’s laugh is always a happy thing. A person’s laugh is a sign of good times, of enjoyment. Laughter is one of the best things on earth, and the sound of a person’s laugh is usually enough to lift your spirits. Unless they are laughing at you. Then you feel like running away and crying.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Troll (Internet Lingo)

A troll is someone who posts comments online for the sole reason of pissing people off. They live under bridges and steal your Wi-Fi. They live to annoy people. For example, you’ll complain about your lousy day on Facebook and a troll will comment on your post saying he’s glad that you had a bad day and you probably deserve it. If you write a blog post about how amazing your vacation to Paris was, a troll will tell you that Paris sucks and that you should have gone to Amsterdam. A troll has no valid arguments or points, he only has poorly thought out insults written in caps lock. Everyone is guilty of trolling from time to time, but some people are only on the internet to troll other people. And that’s sad. Trolling is bad, but trolls are worse.  It’s one thing to correct a friend and make fun of them for misusing a word, it’s quite another thing to bash a stranger for having a different point of view than you.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Dog That Gets Tangled In Its Own Leash

My friend has a little dog that he takes everywhere because he pretends that it’s a service animal. The dog is really cute and adorable, but it’s dumber than a rock missing a chromosome. It has a habit of getting tangled up in its own leash. If you tie the leash around a table leg while you eat, the dog will start walking around the chairs and table in random directions until he gets all wrapped up and stuck because he doesn’t know how to backtrack. Then he will start whining and crying until someone rescues him. Then he gets tangled up again as soon as you look away. It’s fun to laugh at a dog that gets tangled in its own leash, but it becomes a hassle to constantly be untangling a dopey canine every few minutes. But I’d still rather deal with a dumb dog than a smart cat.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Driving While Being Zoned Out

You’re driving home from work. It’s getting late and you’re really tired. You see the street signs and street signs slowly rolling by but none of them register. All you can think about is crashing on your couch and watching a movie before bed. Then all of a sudden you shake your head and snap back to reality. You realize that you were just driving while being zoned out. You realize that you have no recollection of the last five minutes. Even though you were driving, you were just a passenger. You weren’t paying attention to the road or any other cars, you were just cruising. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t run over any cats or pedestrians or crash into a median. Lots of people are able to drive while being zoned out. It’s kind of crazy how half of you brain can shut down but your body can still function and react to things you aren’t aware of. Maybe we should let our subconscious have more control of our day-to-day lives.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking About the Weather

You know you’ve run out of things to talk about when you start talking about the weather. It means you need to try harder to make small talk. Nobody really cares if it’s hot out. They might care if it’s raining just in case they need an umbrella, but they don’t want to have a lengthy conversation about it. Talking about the weather is something that I associate with awkward conversations with forgotten relatives at a family reunion. You talk about the weather when you have nothing interesting to say. Can you honestly remember the last time you had a stimulating conversation about humidity? No, you can’t. Because it’s never happened. The only people who should be talking about the weather are meteorologists. And even they don’t talk about weather outside of work.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Calling Somebody and Having Someone Else Answer the Phone

It seems like everybody and their mom has a cell phone these days. Practically everyone has their own private line and number. If I want to talk to Billy, all I have to do is call Billy and Billy will pick up the phone. But it doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes Steve will pick up the phone, and I will be confused for a moment because I know that it’s not Billy and I know that I called Billy. I wanted to talk to Billy. I would have called Steve if I wanted to talk to Steve. Calling somebody and having someone else answer the phone gives you an uneasy feeling. It’s like a very mild betrayal. It’s probably why you text everyone instead of calling them.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Earthquakes

Earthquakes are quite possibly the most destructive force of nature. It happens when two tectonic plates slide past each other along a fault line. The resulting energy causes the Earth to shake violently. Earthquakes happen every single day, but most of them are too small to notice or care about. But every couple of months there will be a powerful and devastating earthquake somewhere that will topple buildings, destroy cities, and ruin lives. You can’t successfully predict when an earthquake will strike, but you can always be prepared for one. Make sure you have some bottled water and canned goods tucked away just in case the big one happens. And make sure you have beer, because beer makes everything a little more bearable.

I live in San Francisco, which sits right on the San Andreas Fault. And that means that a major earthquake will strike eventually. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when it will occur. We don’t live in fear of the big one. We know that it’s coming. There will be a huge earthquake and people will die. It happened in 1906. It happened again in 1989. And it’s just a matter of time before another one strikes. All we can do is hope that we aren’t trapped in the subway or stuck on the top floor of a high rise. It’s pretty nerve-wracking when your whole world starts to shake and fall and break apart. But the shaking will eventually stop and then you’ll be forced to worry about other things, things that earthquakes cause. Things like tsunamis and fires. And those things just add insult to injury and cause even more devastation than a little ground movement does. Earthquakes are no joke, but they aren’t something to live in fear of.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Going the Wrong Way on the Escalator

Conforming is for sheep. That’s why I’ll go the wrong way on the escalator every now and then. I’ll run up the down-moving escalator and run down the up-moving escalator. I’ll do it just to do it. It keeps me in shape and it annoys the hell out of other commuters. Going the wrong way on the escalator is like running in slow motion. You feel like you’re moving fast but everything else slows down.  I imagine that’s how the Flash sees the universe when he’s running at top speed. The last time I went the wrong way on the escalator was when I was in Vegas. That’s the kind of crazy shit I do in Vegas. Something about breaking mundane laws makes you feel like a badass.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Worst Question in the World

“Do you think I’m fat?” is the worst question in the world. Guys spend their whole lives trying to avoid that dreaded question. There is no right answer. It’s a trap. If your girlfriend/wife/random female friend asks you this question, pause, take a deep breath, and jump out the nearest window. If you’re jumping from a high rise, consider yourself lucky. There is no way that you can safely answer the question. There are some tricks to surviving the situation. First off, never answer yes. Ever. Say “NO!” and say it with authority. And then be prepared to explain why she doesn’t look fat. The best way to respond the evil question is with another question. She asks, “Do you think I’m fat?” and you respond with something like, “Are you kidding me?” Now the ball is in her court and she has to answer your question. Use this time to look around the room and find the nearest window that you can jump out of.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Keeping 3D Glasses

Movies are an escape, and that’s why you will occasionally pay a bunch of money to watch a blockbuster in IMAX 3D. You want to immerse yourself in a fantasy, and 3D films help to do that. You’re supposed to return the 3D glasses after the movie ends, but that doesn’t always happen. Maybe you forgot to return them or maybe you wanted a souvenir. Either way, I’ve noticed that a lot of people end up keeping 3D glasses and I don’t know why. I have about 4 pairs of 3D glasses in my room. I have IMAX 3D glasses, I have Real3D glasses, I even have the classic one with the red and blue lenses that you grew up with. And all of those glasses are useless to me because they aren’t compatible with anything in my apartment. They just sit there gathering dust. I’m never going to use them for anything. The only place where I can use them is at the cinema, and I wouldn’t bring them because they will just give me a new pair of 3D glasses (which I will also take home). Keeping 3D glasses might be a sign of a kleptomaniacal hoarder, but I’m ok with who I am. And they’re not getting their 3D glasses back.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Burning the Roof of Your Mouth

Burning the roof of your mouth sucks. It usually happens with a cup of coffee or a slice of reheated pizza directly from the microwave. You just feel heat and searing pain and feel the roof of your mouth instantly blister up. It’s agony. And it has the added effect of destroying taste buds, making food taste bland and uninspiring for the next few hours. It reminds me of an old joke. Q: What was Helen Keller’s worst day? A: When she burned the roof of her mouth and couldn’t taste anything either. That’s first time I’ve made fun of Helen Keller on this site. That’s pretty impressive.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Watching Someone Get Hurt

People are inherently mean. That’s why we enjoy watching someone get hurt. It’s funny to see people fail. That’s why YouTube is full of fail videos and Russian dash cam footage. It’s why America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on the air. I once saw my friend’s little brother bomb down a hill on his bike and crash directly into a parked car. He flew about fifteen feet through the air and landed on his back in some bushes. It was a horrifying accident, but we were too busy laughing to immediately run over and check on him. He was pretty busted up, he broke his arm and needed a couple of stiches and his mom was pretty pissed off, but we still laugh about it and give him shit to this day. Watching someone get hurt is better than getting hurt yourself. Maybe that’s why it’s so enjoyable. I don’t want to see anybody die or get paralyzed, but I’m totally down to witness a skateboarder take a rail to the nuts or watch a little kid fall off his scooter. That would be hilarious. You can call me an asshole all you want, but you know that you would laugh too if you saw me trip down a flight of stairs.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tip Before You Eat

I think it’s time that we sit together as a society and rethink our tipping procedure. There are a lot of douchebags that take advantage of the current tipping procedure. They will complain about drinks and food in an attempt to get free things. They will change their order ten minutes after the server rang it in. They will rack up a three hundred dollar bill and stiff the server on the tip. The server shouldn’t have to deal with that. I think that we should tip before we eat. It makes perfect sense. Your server/bartender should know if you’re a cheap asshole before they go out of their way to help you. If you tip well, then you would get better service. If you don’t tip well, then you get the service that you deserve. You get what you pay for in a perfect world. I don’t care how nice a table is, they don’t deserve good service if they don’t tip well. I don’t care how miserable a table is, they don’t deserve bad service if they tip well. The problem is that servers don’t know who is cheap and who is a decent human being until the table settles the bill or runs away. You should tip before you eat and get the service that you deserve. If you pledge 18% to your server beforehand, he/she will be more willing to help you out. And if food comes out wrong or your server fucks up, the bill will be discounted, but the server would still make 18%. Everyone wins.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Zippo

A Zippo is a name brand metallic lighter. It’s famous for being windproof and reusable. It’s not really windproof, but it will typically ignite even if there’s a gust of wind. I can spark it when I’m walking or riding my skateboard (and that’s pretty impressive). A regular BIC lighter wouldn’t do that. A BIC lighter is cheap, plastic, and disposable. But Zippos are for life. You just have to refill the fluid every few weeks and change the wick and the flint every so often. Zippos are a popular collectible/souvenir. They have thousands of different designs and colors, but they all distinctly Zippos. You can tell a Zippo by its shape, metal design, and solid construction. The sound of a Zippo is as recognizable as it’s shape. The lid is on a hinge that opens and closes with a satisfying clink. Zippos are fun to play with. There are a bunch of tricks for sparking them, and you look like a badass when you pull it off cleanly. Zippos are best used for lighting cigars and cigarettes. I wouldn’t recommend it for smoking weed. You can taste the lighter fuel and it’s not pleasant.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bus Transfer

A bus transfer is proof of payment that you paid for public transportation. It’s usually good for 90 minutes or for a couple of hours, so you can get on and off the bus and jump onto different routes to get to where you need to go. A bus transfer is also a memento. It’s a reminder that you went somewhere. You might not remember where you went or who you went with, but you know that you went somewhere and you know when you went there. If you ride the bus, you should always hold onto your transfers. You don’t want to get a ticket from the transit authority. They won’t believe you if you lost your transfer. They will assume that you’re just another cheap asshole trying to get a free ride across town. They hear lame excuses for why people don’t have transfers all day long. Your valid excuse will fall upon deaf ears. They don’t want to hear your sob story. They don’t care. It’s up to you to prove that you paid.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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