Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

April 8, 2014 · 10:41 am

My Neighbors Have a Rooster

My neighbors have a rooster. I know that lots of people have neighbors that have a rooster, but I live in a major US city. There should not be any neighbors with roosters in the city. It’s not cool for the bird and it annoys everybody else. I wouldn’t mind if it only crowded once a day when the sun comes up, but that fucking cock crows at least five times an hour until the sun goes down. It was cute and quaint at first, but the novelty of it faded quickly. The worst part is that I don’t know which neighbors own the rooster, so I can’t tell them how much I hate their rooster. Didn’t they learn anything from Babe: Pig in the City? I didn’t see that movie, but I’m pretty sure it backs up my point. Farm animals should stay on the farm and out of the city. Especially loud and annoying ones like roosters.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2014 · 12:34 pm

No Housework Day

April 7th of each year is No Housework Day. It’s a day to procrastinate and be lazy about household chores. This is an actual holiday. You can Google it if you don’t believe me. But you should save some time and just trust me on this. It’s No Housework Day. You really don’t have to do any housework. How awesome is that? You might still have to run errands or go grocery shopping, but at least you don’t have to clean up the bathroom or wash dishes. You should celebrate by giving the maid a day off and letting the mess accumulate in the kitchen. It’s ok to slack off every once in a while, and this holiday is a reminder to do that.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 5, 2014 · 5:52 am

USB Flash Drive

A USB Flash Drive (sometimes called a thumb drive) is a data storage device, but I wouldn’t recommend getting one if you don’t have a computer. Flash drives have no moving parts so they are extremely durable and reliable. They use flash memory, they are reusable and rewritable, and they are increasing in storage capacity every year. They used to be measured in megabytes, then gigabytes, and now we are up to terabytes of storage. You can have more stuff stored on your keychain than on your personal computer at home. That’s a lot of porn and WikiLeaks to be carrying around in your pocket. Flash drives used to be a novelty, but now they are a necessity. It’s one of the best ways to backup files or share data. Plus they get cheaper and cheaper every year. If you don’t have one, perhaps it’s time to change that. Twenty bucks will get you something that has more storage capacity than you will know what to do with. Plus you will feel like a spy when you use it. And who doesn’t want to be James Bond?

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2014 · 9:29 am

Flight Delay

A flight delay is when your flight is delayed. Don’t make me spell it out for you. Planes are late all the time. It happens for all sorts of reasons such as weather, too much air traffic, unruly passengers, terror threats, drunk pilots, etc. I have a theory that flight delays are a conspiracy designed to get you to buy another round at the airport bar. Yesterday I was flying home from Vegas and had time for a quick drink. I got a double Jack & Coke and some fries, and was lucky enough to catch some of the Giants vs. the D-Backs game on TV, then strolled over to my boarding gate. I looked out the window and noticed that my plane hadn’t arrived yet, but I figured it wouldn’t be too long so I found an empty chair and pulled out a book to read. As soon as I pulled out my book, my phone buzzed and I had a text notification that my flight was going to be delayed forty-five minutes. My book wasn’t that interesting, so I went back to the bar and got a beer. Then another Jack & Coke because two beers would make me have to pee on the flight and I knew I had a window seat. That’s what I call drinking responsibly. I didn’t want another round. I didn’t want to waste more money. But my flight was delayed. What else could I do?

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2014 · 9:28 am

Flying On a Plane

Sticking to this airport theme that I have going here, let me just say that flying on a plane is the closest thing that we have to time travel. We are bending time and space whenever we fly from place to place. Now you can wake up in California and fall asleep in Paris. Do you realize how amazing that is? They would have called you crazy if you said that a hundred years ago. They would have burned you alive if you said that three hundred years ago. Flying on a plane is like cheating. An eight-hour drive becomes a two-hour flight. It makes the world a smaller and more accessible place. It’s a miracle of the Bill Nye variety. If you’re a nervous flier, I have some advice: remember that planes are designed to be in the air and ignore the fact that humans aren’t meant to fly. And go to the airport bar. That’s why it’s there.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2014 · 10:21 am

Airport Conversations

Airport conversations are some of the most interesting conversations that you will ever experience. You’ll have an hour to kill before your flight starts boarding, so naturally you’ll go to the bar to pass the time. Someone will sit down next to you and you’ll make idle conversation but you know that you’ll most likely never see that person again. Somehow that means that your conversation will casual but intimate. You’ll tell them your whole story: your name, your occupation, where you’re from, where you’re going, sometimes things that you’ve never even told your closest friends and family. Then you realize your plane’s about to depart, so you say goodbye, wish them a safe flight, and go your separate ways. You’ll never see them or hear from them again, but sometimes it’s nice to have a friend for forty-five minutes.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 31, 2014 · 9:41 am

Hypnic Jerk

Sometimes when I’m really tired and lying in bed, seconds away drifting off to sleep, I’ll have a sudden twitch that wakes me up again. It doesn’t hurt or anything, but it’s annoying because I was right about to fall asleep and now I’m back at square one. So I had a sleep twitch the other night and it woke me up enough to inspire me to write a Critically Rated article about it. I Googled “sleep twitch” to do some research and found out that it’s a perfectly natural and common occurrence that can be caused by stress, anxiety, exercise, and caffeine, but sometimes they just happen for no reason. The technical name for it is Hypnic Jerk, which I think is awesome. It sounds like an insult or a shitty punk band. Hypnic jerks keep you awake, and you get stressed because you can’t sleep, and stress causes you to have more hypnic jerks. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m pretty sure that’s where the expression “circle jerk” comes from.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 31, 2014 · 9:39 am

Dropping Change You’re Trying to Put In Your Pocket

You’re at the corner store buying a soda and some chips and maybe a candy bar, and your total comes out to $4.07. You hand the cashier a five-dollar bill, and he hands you back 93 cents. You take your small pile of coins and try to shove it in your pocket but you completely miss. The coins hit the floor and roll in all different directions. You wish that you could just pretend like it didn’t happen and walk out the door, but you can’t abandon those quarters. So you swallow your pride and get down on your hands and knees to pick them up. And you might as well pick up the dimes while you’re at it because those aren’t completely worthless. And you pick up the nickels and pennies because you don’t want to litter. Dropping change you’re trying to put in your pocket makes you feel like less of a person. The truth is you are. But it’s only temporary. Only the cashier and people waiting in line behind you know that you’re a failure. Nobody on the street knows what you did, so you’re in the clear once you exit the store.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 30, 2014 · 10:57 am

Not Bringing a Pen Job Hunting

It’s currently hiring season at my restaurant, so we’ve been seeing a lot of job hunters coming in and filling out applications. Most people come prepared. They’ll be wearing nice clothes and have their résumé handy. But if they don’t have a pen, they aren’t getting hired. Not bringing a pen while job hunting is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. It means you’re not serious about getting a job. It means you’re not responsible. It means you’re not getting hired. I would say that about 30% of the job seekers who come into my restaurant don’t bring a pen and ask to borrow one. We usually give them a crayon or a marker to fill out the application so it’s obvious that they were unprepared. Occasionally we hand them a pen and let them fill everything while we inform the managers that they didn’t bring a pen. We will let them do the paperwork for fifteen minutes just to waste their time. No pen, no job. It’s as simple as that.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2014 · 5:24 am

Dog Stroller

I was chilling in the park the other week and noticed an old lady walking her dog. The dog was in a stroller. It was a dog stroller. It was in a stroller for dogs. So she was walking the dog, but the dog wasn’t walking. It’s just sitting there in a stroller like a fucking baby. Dogs are not babies. They are domesticated wolves. They like to walk. They like to run. That’s what’s natural for them. A dog stroller is an abomination. I felt bad for the dog and I felt worse for the lady. She obviously has no family or friends, because anyone who truly cared about her would have talked some sense into her a long time ago. Walking your dog in a stroller is like running to the gym to walk on the treadmill. It makes no fucking sense and is counterproductive. I don’t like dog strollers and I hate the people that stroll them.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 28, 2014 · 10:09 am

Blasting Music On the Bus

I jumped on the bus yesterday hoping for a quick and quiet ride, but instead there was some jagoff blasting shitty rap music from his shitty boom box. Well, it wasn’t a shitty boom box because the music was loud as fuck and the bass was powerful enough to rattle the windows. All the other passengers on the bus were getting annoyed, one guy was pissed enough to tell the jagoff to turn off his music. The jagoff responded by turning his music up even louder. That didn’t sit well with the other passengers and people started yelling at him to turn it off. Things were escalating pretty quickly and it looked like things might start turning violent. Then the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road (not even at a bus stop), stopped the engine, and walked down the aisle towards the jagoff. The driver was a big intimidating black guy, and he put his finger right in the jagoff’s face and said, “Nobody wants to hear your shitty music. Turn it off now or get the fuck off my bus.” The jagoff instantly switched off his boom box and kept his head down in shame and embarrassment. He got off the bus two stops later. He knew that he was defeated. I can only assume that he jumped on the next bus so he could piss off another bunch of passengers. Blasting music on the bus is a great way to make enemies. You’ll never make a new friend by being an asshole. Unless they have the same taste in shitty music.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 28, 2014 · 10:07 am

Deserted Laundromat

I went to the Laundromat yesterday to wash my clothes. As soon as I walked in, I knew something was wrong. It was totally empty. There was not a single person in there, there was not a single machine running, there wasn’t even any clothes in a dryer waiting to get picked up. It was completely deserted. It was creepy. I mean it was five minutes to noon on a Thursday, you would expect there to be at least one bored housewife washing clothes just to get out of the house. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, like I was trespassing or something. But it was laundry day and that’s what I was there to do, so I chose a washing machine and plunked in a few quarters and left to run some errands. I came back half an hour later and the Laundromat was still empty, but there was another machine running so I was slightly comforted. I hope you never experience the eeriness of a deserted Laundromat.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 27, 2014 · 10:19 am

National Joe Day

March 27th of each year is apparently National Joe Day, a holiday to celebrate all the Joes in your life. I know two Joes and three Joeys. I’m not sure if Joey counts, but I’ll still wish a Joey a happy National Joe Day just to be safe. Some people will say that National Joe Day is not a real holiday and that it’s a waste of time to go around honoring Joes. Those people are probably not named Joe. They are just jealous of Joes. I’m not jealous of Joes. I respect Joes. I even respect Joeys. I can’t respect Josephine though. She gets around.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 26, 2014 · 11:53 am

Getting Sent to the Principal’s Office

You’re ten years old and you’re goofing off in math class like always. Your teacher asks you to be quiet and sit down. You do for a minute, but then you forget what she said and you start talking again. Then your teacher tells you to shut up and keep your butt in the chair. You do for a minute, but then you throw a wad of paper at Jimmy. She sees you do it and she yells, warning you not to pull any more shenanigans or else she’ll send you to the principal’s office. But the word shenanigans gets you all excited and you try to get away with shooting Jimmy with a spitball, but you miss and hit Stacy. Stacy tells on you instantly and then your teacher screams at you to go to the principal’s office. That’s when you know that you’re in trouble. The trek to the principal’s office is the longest walk of your life. You feel like you’re walking towards the electric chair. Escape is impossible. You’re going to have to explain to him why you were disruptive and interrupting class. You could be suspended, or even worse, expelled. He might even call your mom. I used to get sent to the principal’s office fairly often. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I was a troublemaker. Who am I kidding? I’m still a troublemaker, only now there’s no principal to reprimand me anymore. Instead I only have to worry about the cops if I do something bad. At least they won’t call my mom.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2014 · 2:17 pm

An Annoying Tag

Everyone has at least on shirt in their wardrobe that looks great and fits great but it has an annoying tag. The tag will either pop out of your shirt or constantly be rubbing against the back of your neck until your neck is chafed and irritated. An annoying tag can ruin the whole shirt. The only way to deal with an annoying tag is to cut it off. But that won’t solve the problem because the universe wants you to be uncomfortable and another shirt will develop a problematic tag to annoy you. You can’t win. Don’t try. You just have to be miserable.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 23, 2014 · 12:28 pm

Hiding Puke With Newspapers

I got on the bus the other night, found an empty seat, and sat down. It only took me a few moments to realize that something was wrong. For starters, the ground around my seat was covered with newspapers. It wasn’t just a newspaper that some asshole left on the bus that happened to fall off the seat. The papers were all jumbled and spread out, they covered the entire floor. And I noticed some chunky liquid seeping up through the papers… somebody threw up and used newspaper to cover it up. I got up and found another seat, one that was puke-free. And then I saw a lady sit down in the puke seat. I should have said something to her, I could have warned her, but something told me that she deserved to sit there. Something about her demeanor lead me to believe that it was karma. She didn’t seem like a very enjoyable person. So I let her sit with her feet in a pile of puke for the duration of the ride. I got to my stop, walked by her towards the exit, told her about the vomit, and jumped off the bus while she hurriedly moved to another seat. People throw up on public transportation all the time, and hiding puke with newspapers seems like the easiest way to deal with the problem. Just cover it up and pretend like nothing happened.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2014 · 10:01 am

Save The Date

A few months ago two of my close friends got engaged. That was exciting. That was awesome. It made for a lot of gossip and talk and speculation. And then they sent out the Save The Date invitations to their wedding a few weeks ago. That was when shit got real. That was when it became official. I knew that they were way past the turning point when I got that letter in my mailbox. And I could not be more proud of the two of them. I want to be present when they dedicate their lives to each other. I want to be there when they say their vows, when they have their first kiss as a married couple, and when they have their reception with an open bar. There’s going to be an open bar, right? Congratulations C. Congratulations K. I went in alphabetical order just to be fair, I love you both the same.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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