Monthly Archives: July 2013

July 22, 2013 · 10:00 am

Sitting in the Aisle Seat

If you’re riding the bus, plane, or train, most of the time you have a few options: you can take the window seat, occasionally there’s the middle seat, and there’s the aisle seat. Each seat has its benefits and drawbacks, but sitting in the aisle seat on public transportation should be your last choice, especially if the bus is crowded. The aisle will be filled with people standing, and your head is right at crotch level and that’s not a good combination. A sudden swerve or bump in the road could result in some unpleasant contact. There’s always some clumsy aisle walker that bumps into you unnecessarily. Plus you have to get up when the guy in the window seat gets up. You’re lucky that you have a seat, but it’s a very inconvenient seat. Come to think of it, you might be better off standing.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 21, 2013 · 8:36 am

Strangers That You Know

The world is filled with strangers that you know. I take the train to get to work almost every day. And so do a lot of other people. And I’ve noticed that I’ve started to recognize a few other passengers. I don’t know their names, I don’t know what they do for a living, but I recognize their face when they get on or off the train. It’s a weird feeling because I want to nod my head to say hello and have to remind myself that I don’t really know them. It’s not just on the train; I see a lot of people in random places that I recognize because they stand out so much. There are two Asian twins that wear matching outfits and carry yoga mats around with them. There’s a homeless lady with an impressive mane of facial hair and a shopping cart that I see all over my neighborhood. I’ll catch a glimpse of somebody that I met at a party for fifteen minutes three years ago. You want to talk to strangers that you know, but you don’t because you don’t want to seem crazy. But is it really? After all, everyone you know was once a stranger to you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 21, 2013 · 8:32 am

Speed Wobbles

I have a longboard and I love to skate. I cruise the streets and sidewalk surf every single day. And I live in San Francisco in the Sunset District, so there are a lot of huge hills to bomb down at thirty miles an hour. There take certain precautions when you’re going so fast that you can’t stop. You have to choose a street that’s steep but not too steep, with a minimal amount of vehicular interference, and it should be smoothly paved and free from debris and potholes. There are a lot of things that can go wrong, but speed wobbles are what skaters fear the most. Speed wobbles are exactly what it sounds like: wobbles at a high speed. You’re flying down a hill and suddenly your board starts to shake violently, it feels like an earthquake, and it’s easy to panic. But if you panic, you’ll fall off and fuck yourself up. And the last thing you want to do it smack your head on concrete at breakneck speed. The best thing you can do is bend your knees and try to absorb the shocks as they come. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. All you can do is learn from it and tighten up your trucks. You could also buy a helmet, but then you wouldn’t look cool. Speed wobbles. Everyone who skates has a story about speed wobbles.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 20, 2013 · 9:16 am

Lipstick on Wine Glasses

Here’s your fun fact for the day: it’s called lipstick because it sticks to glass. I’ve worked in a few different restaurants and every single one of them has had a problem with lipstick on wine glasses. It’s not like they don’t clean the glasses. They rinse them off, wash them, and sanitize them. But sanitizer doesn’t remove lipstick. But at least it’s a sterilized lipstick stain. The best way to remove the lipstick is to use a little soda water on a bev nap and wipe it off. It’s won’t be clean, but it will look clean. You can splash some more sanitizer on it if it makes you feel better. There’s no way to avoid lipstick on wine glasses unless you ban chicks from wearing lipstick, and that’s not going to happen. The easiest way to remedy the situation is to serve wine in lipstick-colored glasses. They can’t send it back if they can’t see the stains.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 20, 2013 · 9:14 am

Biting Your Tongue

            Your tongue lives in your mouth fulltime. You eat and drink and talk all the fucking time without biting your tongue. But every few years you will randomly bite your tongue. It’s a horrible feeling when your hard tooth punctures your soft tongue. It hurts like a motherfucker, you’ll see stars, blood will start gushing, and you wont be able to do anything but whimper and groan. You always feel the need to share the fact that you just bit your tongue with the people around you. They don’t care, but they will pretend to sympathize with you. Biting your tongue is a stupid inevitability. You can’t avoid it. Everyone will be the idiot who bit his tongue at some point in their lives. Hopefully you won’t bite it all the way off like my friend did the other night (totally worth it though).

            Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 19, 2013 · 9:55 am

Shaky Hands

I have shaky hands. I can’t hold them steady, they won’t stay still. There’s always a slight tremble. It’s not as bad as Parkinson’s, but you’ll see ripples if I’m holding a glass of water. It’s hardly even noticeable unless I have a Red Bull or down a cup of coffee. I get all jittery and wired and my shaky hands become pretty obvious. It’s not a violent shake, but it’s a clear wobble. I’m not worried about it, it’s always been like that, and I know people that shake more than me. I don’t care as long as I don’t spill my beer. I’ll see the doctor as soon as I start losing precious alcohol as a result of my shaky hands.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 19, 2013 · 9:53 am

Starbucks Coffee + Milk Iced Coffee

Did you know that Starbucks makes bottles of iced coffee? Not Frappuccinos, I’m talking about regular coffee served cold and lightly sweetened. I tried the Coffee + Milk flavor and it tastes like coffee and milk. It tastes like what it’s called. My biggest complaint is that it’s not really iced coffee because there is no ice in it. And I doubt that they actually make it with ice. It’s not really iced coffee unless it had ice in it at some point. It really should be called Starbucks Chilled Coffee + Milk. All in all it’s pretty good, but if I want Starbucks products from the store I would stick with a Frappuccino or a Double Shot Espresso.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 18, 2013 · 10:21 am

Your Favorite Cup

I have a favorite cup. It’s a plastic souvenir cup that my friend got for me from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I pretty much use it every single day. I’m even using it right now. I wash it and rinse it out everyday, but it never goes into the cupboard. It lives in my room on the table so my roommates can’t steal it and use it. One time my friend used it without asking me. I had to use another cup, and it made my drink taste weird. I’m not against other cups, I just prefer my Harry Potter one. Plus I don’t have a dishwasher so I try to keep my dish use down to a minimum. The less shit I use, the less shit I have to clean up. But even if I had a dishwasher, I’d probably still use the same cup everyday anyway. Things taste better out of your favorite cup, even if it’s just psychosomatic. I don’t know how a plastic drinking vessel can have so much sentimental value, but it does. I know that I’m crazy, but it’s way more interesting than being normal. Cheers to that with my Harry Potter cup.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 18, 2013 · 10:19 am

Smoking Someone Out

Getting stoned is fun and getting stoned with other people is more fun. There’s nothing quite like passing a pipe or joint around with a good group of people. A lot of my friends smoke regularly so somebody always has weed, and there are usually two or three people contributing to each session. But there always seems to be a moocher who tries to jump in without offering anything in return. It’s ok to crash the occasional circle, but it’s bad form if you make a habit of smoking other people’s weed without offering anything in return. Weed is expensive; I can’t afford to get you high all the time. I don’t mind smoking someone out, but if I smoke you out, I expect a future session funded by you. Or a beer at least. And if somebody smokes me out, I make sure to return the favor. Real smoking buddies pass the pipe back and forth without any worries. If you packed the last bowl, I would pack the next. And I would give you a nugget from my personal stash if you were dry, because I know that you would sponsor the next session. Smoking someone out is an integral part of stoner culture. If you have weed, it’s a given that you’re going to have to smoke someone out. Just make sure it’s someone who will return the favor.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 17, 2013 · 11:22 am

X-Men: Mutant Massacre (comic)

Mutant Massacre is an X-Men comics crossover involving the X-Men, X-Factor, the New Mutants, the Power Pack, and Thor. The basic premise is that the Morlocks (mutants who have given up on society and formed their own underground community in the sewers) are being attacked and killed by the mysterious Marauders. The X-Men and X-Factor both enter the sewers in a desperate attempt to stop the massacre. They arrive separately and the two teams never meet up with each other. The fighting results in a lot of minor characters dying, and some of the main characters obtaining severe injuries. Meanwhile, other Marvel characters from other Marvel comics show up to remind you this is all taking place in the Marvel Universe. The Power Pack shows up at one point. I hope you like wholesome preteen superhero siblings who try to fight crime before bedtime. The unnecessary and stupid antics of the Power Pack are forgiven by the emergence of Thor into the storyline. He storms into the sewers and kicks some ass and even saves Angel from the Marauders.

But this is not a story about superheroes. It’s a story about mutants, and it’s really about genocide. People die in this story. A lot of people. And they die because they are mutants, because they are different. It’s a social commentary about the injustices in the world, and just because the characters have superpowers and wear spandex doesn’t mean it’s not a true story.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 17, 2013 · 11:18 am

Ask Before You Take a Chair

I was at the bar the other night (surprise, surprise) with some friends. There were about eight of us, so we grabbed a table inside and established our territory. Half of us got up to grab a few pitchers from the bartender, and I was one of the people that stayed behind to watch our stuff. And it’s a good thing that I was there, because another group showed up and took over the table next to us. And one bitch from that group started taking away the unoccupied chairs from our table. She didn’t even ask, she just started dragging them away. I actually had to stand up and block her path and ask her to stop stealing our chairs. I believe my exact words were: “Um, excuse me, can you please stop taking our chairs?!? We have more people at the bar.” She heard me, but I don’t think it registered through her abnormally thick skull. Another guy in her group had to tell her to give them back. It could have been a situation at that point if he hadn’t intervened. And it could have been easily avoided if she just asked before she started taking them. You should always ask before you take a chair. It’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s weird when someone is completely ignorant of social customs. You can’t just swoop in and grab whatever you want. The world doesn’t work like that.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 16, 2013 · 12:01 pm

A Leaking Pen

You’re on the phone with the cable company and you need to jot down a number real quick, so you grab a pen and scribble it down. You don’t think anything of it until a few minutes later when you finally realize that you have ink all over your hands. The thick black ink stains your hands and taints everything that you touch. It’s kind of like getting tarred and feathered without the feathers. I’m a server and carry around five pens in my apron. Every once in a while I’ll notice that one of my pens is broken, but it’s not clear which one is defective. I have to inspect each pen to find the leaking one. But I never throw it away, I just offer it to another server so that I’m not the only one covered in ink. The best part is that they think I did them a favor by giving them a free pen.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 16, 2013 · 11:59 am

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is Jerry Seinfeld’s internet show about comedians in cars getting coffee. A typical episode is 10-15 minutes long, but some episodes run longer. Each episode has Jerry picking up one of his comedian friends in a cool car and going out to a restaurant or to a coffee house. The cars are as diverse as a 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud II to a 1952 Volkswagen Beetle. His guests have included legends like Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner to more contemporary comedians like Sarah Silverman and Ricky Gervais. It’s a very casual and unscripted show. Jerry and his guest banter back and forth, talking about comedy and sharing stories and anecdotes. You get to catch glimpses of their real personalities as opposed to their stage personas. It reminds you of hanging out with your friends, except for the fact that Jerry is much funnier than you and he knows it. It’s not Seinfeld, but it’s still worth checking out. Go to Crackle.com and see what all the fuss is about.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 14, 2013 · 7:40 pm

Trampolines

A trampoline is a piece of fabric stretched over a metal frame using a bunch of springs. You jump on them. The bigger the trampoline, the higher you can bounce. Everyone starts with the small trampoline, the one that you use in kindergarten. You can only bounce a few inches on them. The small ones aren’t really fun; you need a trampoline that’s at least 14 feet in diameter. You get a few feet of air with each jump, enough to do flips and tricks, and it’s large enough to have a few friends jumping with you at the simultaneously so you can play games or time your bounces in order to launch someone into the air. These days trampolines come with safety nets. When I was a kid we didn’t bother with that shit. We had the trampoline right by the rose bushes, so if you fell off you would land in thorns. You had to get good if you wanted to survive. The best types of trampolines are the rectangular ones. These are the ones that you see in the Olympics. They provide the optimal amount of bounce.

Trampolines are a staple of suburban backyards but they are starting to creep into cities in the form of trampoline parks. They have gigantic rooms where all the floors and walls are trampolines so you can run and jump off the walls and pretend like you’re in the Matrix. Most trampoline parks even have regularly scheduled games of dodgeball. It gets pretty intense; I’m not going to lie. Trampolines are fun. But they are a reminder that I’m getting old. I used to live on the trampoline in my backyard. I could jump on it for hours on end. I slept on it during warm summer nights. Now my back and knees hurt if I jump on one for ten minutes. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for trampolines, but I think I’ve outgrown the thrill of stationary jumping.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 14, 2013 · 7:39 pm

My Arm’s Asleep

I usually sleep on my stomach and sometimes end up lying on top of my arm, consequently cutting off circulation for a few hours. Then I’ll wake up and realize that my arm’s asleep. I can’t move it and it won’t function at all. It’s an eerie feeling, like it’s a corpse arm that’s been attached to my body. It has no feeling, I can’t control it, it just kind of dangles uselessly. I have to start swinging my arm around and flexing my fingers in order to get the blood flowing again. Slowly but surely my arm starts to come back to life. But I’m always worried that one day I’ll oversleep and they’ll have to amputate it. Maybe that’s why I’m so anal about setting my alarm.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 13, 2013 · 9:04 pm

Waking Up When You Have to Leave

You wake up and groggily take a look at the clock, then lazily shut your eyes. Then it dawns on you that something’s not right and your eyes snap back open and you look at the time again. And you realize that you forgot to set your alarm clock last night and that you should have already left the house. Nothing will make you spaz out more than waking up when you have to leave. Your heart skips a beat, you get a sinking feeling in your stomach, and you start to freak out. You jump out of bed and race around frantically throwing on clothes and grabbing your shit and then you run out of the house. There’s no time for hygiene. Brushing your teeth will take too much time. You have to skip the shower. You can always slap on some deodorant at work. Waking up when you have to leave is a terrible way to start the day. Hopefully it doesn’t set the tone for the rest of the day.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 13, 2013 · 9:02 pm

False Advertising with Your Profile Picture

I’ve noticed that a lot of people use extremely old glamor shots of themselves as their profile picture and they don’t see anything wrong with it. But it’s false advertising. False advertising with your profile picture on Facebook is bad enough, but it ought to be a crime to use an outdated photo of yourself on a dating website. You don’t look like that anymore. You’re lying. You’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to whoever you’re trying to meet.  And the person that you meet will inevitably end up being disappointed. They might even tell you that you don’t look like your profile picture, and you will feel like shit. Spare yourself the grief and use an honest photo. In fact, you should use an ugly, unflattering picture of yourself. Then they will be pleasantly surprised when they meet you in person. Don’t trick people into wanting to meet you. Looks aren’t that important, but lying is always a deal breaker.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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