Monthly Archives: December 2012

Listening to Stupid People Talking About Movies

The other day I heard two old ladies talking about movies. One lady was telling the other about how she wanted to go see Django Unchained. But she didn’t know what it was called or who directed it: “I want to see that new cowboy movie from that guy who directed that ‘Basterd’ movie. Dee-jenga something.” I wanted to slap her in the fucking face. How can anyone talk about Tarantino films without knowing his name? You can’t talk about a movie if you don’t know what it’s called, who directed it, or the actors in it. You can’t talk about something that you know nothing about. You shouldn’t share your opinions if you don’t know anything. You should probably just shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ugly Christmas Sweaters

People have been receiving ugly Christmas sweaters from their grandmas for years. They were gaudy, tacky, horrible looking things that you luckily only had to wear once before you could hide it in the back of your closet. But somewhere along the way some enterprising party animal decided that an ugly Christmas sweater should be something to embrace instead of embarrassed of. Not much is known about the first ugly Christmas sweater party, except that there was eggnog, fruitcake, and a sexy incident involving mistletoe and reindeer antlers. The party was a rousing success, and ugly Christmas sweater parties soon became a staple of the holiday season. There’s food and drinks and everyone looks terrible. It’s good times. If you have to borrow an ugly sweater from someone, I would advise you to tell them that it’s just a regular Christmas sweater party.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving Your Umbrella Open When It’s Not Raining

It’s sprinkling off and on and the sidewalks are filled with pedestrians with umbrellas. If you’re a normal person, you open your umbrella when it’s actively raining and then you close it when the drops stop falling. But some people don’t do that. They leave their umbrella open and over their head even though it’s stopped raining. There’s no reason for leaving your umbrella open when it’s not raining. You’re obviously not paying attention to the world around you. And you’re taking up space. You’re really just failing at life on all sorts of levels now. It’s not enough to make people hate you, but they lose respect for you instantly.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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It’s the End of the World!

So today is the end of the world and I’m feeling pretty ok with it. I had a good run. It’s the Mayan Apocalypse, Judgment Day, Doomsday… and any second now the world is going to fall apart so I hope you’re reading this quickly. I think that we are all pretty lucky to get to experience another apocalypse. We survived 9/9/99 Y2K, 6/6/06, and several family Thanksgivings. Those were just practice apocalypses. This is the real one. I know it is. I didn’t even bother putting on pants today. If I’m going out, I’m going out comfortable.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking to your Ex

Talking to your ex is usually a slippery slope. They are your ex for a reason. You obviously aren’t supposed to be together. But it’s almost impossible to shut out somebody who once meant the world to you. You miss your ex. You want to talk to your ex. And the more drunk and lonely you are, the more likely you are to call or text them. Drunk dialing is bad enough, but drunk dialing your ex is the lowest you can sink. Nothing good can come out of that conversation. Wait until you are sober if you absolutely have to talk to your ex. Keep the conversation light and keep it moving.  And try to keep your tears and desperate pleas for affection to a minimum. It’s not very becoming.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Misusing the Like Button

A lot of people don’t know how to use the Like button on Facebook. Some people seem use it as confirmation that they have seen your post instead of actually liking the content. For example, you’ll post about how you’re sad because your dog died and five people will like your status. What exactly do they like? The fact that you’re sad or that your dog is dead? Sometimes you’ll say something like, “Feeling trapped and want to get out of the city for a few hours. Anyone want to go on a day trip?” You’ll get a notification and think that you have a partner in crime, but it’s just some douche that clicked the Like button for no reason. You asked a question and didn’t get a response, but apparently your question is likable, so that’s nice. The Like button should only be used if you actually like what you’re Liking, otherwise you’ll seem insensitive or stupid.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Happy Hour

Happy Hour is that magical time of the day when bars give away drinks at a discounted price. I really don’t know why it’s called Happy Hour. It’s usually two-three hours long, alcohol is a depressant, and depression isn’t a happy thing. Happy Hour is just an excuse to get drunk in public. You can always waste money at a bar but it’s somehow justified if it’s a dollar off well drinks and the sun is still shining. It’s better, cheaper, and more logical to grab a twelve pack and drink yourself into a stupor at home. At least then you can control the TV or radio station.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Russian Dash Cam Videos

Russian roads are some of the most dangerous in the world. They have to deal with ice, snow, a deteriorating infrastructure, road rage, drunk drivers, drunk pedestrians, insurance scam artists, and the occasional horse crossing the road. Seriously anything can happen at any time. Naturally people got fed up and started installing dash-mounted cameras to record the chaos so that they have proof of what happened for insurance purposes. The next step is to upload those videos to the Internet for entertainment purposes. Sites like YouTube and LiveLeak are filled with hours and hours of horrifying accidents, narrow misses, down right bizarre incidents, and a few that showcase surprising acts of kindness (like a tough guy stopping his car in the middle of traffic to help an old lady cross the street). Reality TV is scripted and predictable. Russian dash cam videos are as real as it gets. Watch a couple of them and you won’t bitch about potholes again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Triple Pat

Before you leave the house, it’s vital to perform the triple pat. You pat down your three pockets to ensure that you have your keys, phone, and wallet. Your night will be ruined without any of those essentials. You can’t buy or do anything without money or credit cards. You can’t call any friends or Instagram your cocktail without your phone. And you’re locked out if you forget your keys, and that’s a shitty way to end the night. Make it a habit to do the triple pat and you’ll go far in life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Alright Meow, That’s Enough

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Announcing That You’re Quitting a Social Media Site

Announcing that you’re quitting a social media site is a transparently desperate plea for attention. I constantly see posts on Facebook and Twitter denouncing Facebook and Twitter: “Sorry guys, I’ve had enough. I’m leaving Facebook for good. Sorry, but e-mail me if you want to stay in touch. Ciao!” First off, shut the fuck up. Secondly, nobody will notice. Nobody cares. I mean nobody. Nobody will confront you on the street, asking why you won’t comment on their statuses or like pictures of their dog wearing people clothes. Nobody will miss your witty status updates or your impressive check-ins. Nobody likes them now, that’s probably why you’re quitting. But if you want to quit than quit. Just shut the fuck up about it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Seeing Your Breath

On really cold days you can see your breath when you exhale. It’s nature’s way of telling you to put on a jacket. When you were a kid you would pretend like you were smoking a cigarette when you saw your breath. Now you want to get coffee or hot chocolate when you see it. That’s how you know you’re growing up and maturing. There’s something poetic about being bundled up, completely warm and snug, and seeing your breath without feeling the cold. You have to appreciate the little things in life.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Aglets

Aglets are everywhere. There are hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions all around you right now. There are dozens in and around your home. You probably even have some on you right now. Don’t worry, I’m just building up suspense. Aglets are the plastic or metal tips on the ends of your shoelaces. They are practical: they keep the shoelace from unraveling, they make it easier to lace up your shoes, and you can use it to pack down the weed in a joint. That’s some MacGyver-style ingenuity right there. Aglets are everywhere, yet nobody mentions them. I’m going to start complimenting strangers for fashionable aglets. They’ve been underappreciated for way too long.

Critically Rated 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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iPhone Charger

iPhones are pretty commonplace these days. It seems like every other guy and every other guy’s mom has one. And I’ve noticed that there seems to be a lack of iPhone chargers for the amount of iPhones in use. I love my iPhone, but my battery dies faster than playing Contra without cheats. Having an iPhone used to make you cool. Now the most popular person in the room is whoever brings a spare charger. Everyone will be complimenting them, laughing loudly at their lame jokes, offering sexual favors… anything to get a charge.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sandy Hook

I didn’t want to write about this. I wanted to write about something funny, something happy. But this is not a happy time in America. It’s almost commonplace for a school shooting to happen every few months. I doubt this one would have made such an impact if it weren’t for the victims being so young. The shooter (I won’t mention that’s scum’s name, he doesn’t deserve it) primarily went after kindergarteners. I know he had mommy issues, but how does killing six-year-olds solve anything? What did they ever do? Did they have the audacity to have their whole lives ahead of them?

There are waves of victims in any massacre. You have the ones that get killed, paralyzed, scarred for life. You have the ones who escaped with psychological damage, wondering if it will happen again every time they go out in public places, asking why they survived when others didn’t. You have the families and friends who will never get to see their loved ones again, hating themselves for not getting the chance to say a real goodbye. And you have the rest of the general public, quietly grieving, secretly relieved that it happened somewhere else and not to them. But everybody is asking “WHY!?!”

Maybe there is no why. Maybe there is no because. But good things always come out of a tragedy. You find out what really matters, what you really care about. I just wish we didn’t have to pay the price to be reminded so often. Life is unpredictable; you have to take it as it comes. Tell the people you care about that you care about them. Tell your family you love them. Tell your friends that you’re friends for a reason. Enjoy all your laughs. Cherish every kiss. And always say goodbye.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Edited, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Someone Else’s Alarm Clock

The only thing more annoying than hearing your alarm clock going off is hearing someone else’s alarm clock going off. Now you’re awake when you could have been sleeping for six and a half more minutes. Your day is all downhill from here. The universal law about other people’s alarm clocks is that they never seem to hear them. They just keep hitting snooze so their alarm keeps going off. And it keeps waking you up while they keep on sleeping. What’s the point of setting your alarm if you constantly ignore it? You shouldn’t use an alarm clock if it doesn’t wake you up. You’re wasting electricity and making enemies.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Playing a Game in the Rain

Three’s nothing quite like playing a game in the rain. Sports are awesome enough, but something about competition in a downpour gets your adrenaline pumping. Rain makes sports more fun. I think it’s something to do with wet dirt. Football is awesome but it doesn’t compare to mud football. The feeling you get when you locate the ball through the raindrops and catch the ball while diving face first into a puddle is indescribable. You feel like you won the Super Bowl. You’re soaking wet and covered with mud but you feel like a champion. That’s all that matters.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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