March 17, 2013 · 9:57 am

A Girl Reciting Everything She Ate That Day

It’s a known fact that girls keep an inventory of everything that they have ever eaten in their whole entire life. I’ve lost track of how many times a girl has told me what she ate that day. It’s always the same general story. It starts with her telling you that she’s fat. Not just fat, but SOOOO fat. Then she will proceed to list off every single thing that she ate that day and in the order that she ate it. It’s something like, “Oh my god, I’m so fat. I had half a Pop-Tart and a small bowl of Cheerios with bananas for breakfast, and then I splurged and got a small Jamba after yoga because I felt like earned it, and then I had half an Odwalla bar and 6 grapes with some water at the gym. Oh, and I had Kettle Chips before the gym. I had a salad at lunch and then Stacy and I were bad and split a cheesecake! It was chocolate and strawberry and it wasssssss ssssssooooooooo yummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy. I swear I could eat cheesecake like everyday….” It’s best to cut her off before you hear about dinner and all the other random snacks that she shoved in her face throughout the day. That’s awesome that you’re not bulimic but I don’t give a fuck what you ate. You look good though.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

March 16, 2013 · 9:55 am

Snapping Your Fingers to Get Your Server’s Attention

Snapping your fingers to get your server’s attention is a huge no-no. It’s one of the most insulting things you can do to a fellow human being. Your server is a person, not a fucking dog. There’s no need to snap, whistle, or yell out “Garcon!” Yeah, it sucks when your food comes out and you just want a side of ranch, but your server has other tables and should be coming by to check on you when they can. Just be patient. Snapping your fingers might get their attention but it’s also a good way to announce that you’re a scumbag. If you think snapping is acceptable then you’ve obviously never been in a restaurant and probably don’t know how to tip. And your server knows that you’re a cheap asshole so there’s no incentive to work hard for a nonexistent tip. And your server will go back to the kitchen and tell everybody else about the snapping asshole at Table 25. And if your food tastes a little bit funny, there’s probably a reason for that. Bon appétit.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

March 16, 2013 · 9:53 am

Planet Terror

            Planet Terror is a 2007 Robert Rodriguez movie and one half of the double feature experience known as Grindhouse. Now when I say that it’s a Robert Rodriguez movie, I really mean that it’s a Robert Rodriguez movie. He wrote it, he directed it, he co-edited it, he produced it, he did the cinematography, and he even scored it. That’s about as hands on as you can get in Hollywood. It’s a glorified B movie about zombies and a stripper with a machine gun leg.

Rose McGowan stars as a stripper named Cherry Darling and Freddy Rodriguez plays her ex-boyfriend, the mysterious El Wray. They bump into each other on a quiet night in a rural Texas town. Things don’t stay quiet for long. A deadly biochemical gas is released at a nearby military base and it’s turning the townspeople into zombies. It’s your classic zombie movie, complete with a ragtag group of survivors doing battle with the undead.

There’s a great supporting cast including Josh Brolin, Bruce Willis, Fergie, Marley Shelton, Naveen Andrews, Michael Biehn, Jeff Fahey, and Quentin Tarantino. The look of the film is pretty unique. They scratched the film to make it look aged and more like a ‘70s flick. At one point there’s a “missing reel” and the film jumps from a steamy sex scene to all hell breaking loose. Suddenly there are more survivors, more zombies, and shit’s on fire. They jumped from the second act straight into the climax and it still works.

I remember watching Grindhouse in the theater. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had at the cinema. It had two movies from two of my favorite directors for the price of one ticket, and there were also bonus trailers for fake movies (some of which were so awesome that they turned them into real movies, like Machete). I felt like I went back in time. Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof is pretty decent, but Planet Terror is more entertaining and fun.

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

March 15, 2013 · 9:53 am

Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth

Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth is a graphic novel by Chris Ware about a middle aged loser named Jimmy Corrigan. It’s a very different comic from what you’re used to. The story jumps back and forth between Jimmy’s reality and his fantasies, and it flashes back and forth between the present and his childhood. There’s also a parallel story about Jimmy’s grandfather growing up a hundred years earlier.

Jimmy Corrigan is an awkward loner with a rich fantasy life. He has no friends and feels obligated to talk to his mom on the phone everyday. The main storyline is about Jimmy going to meet his estranged father for the first time, and how the two strangers try to bond despite having nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Jimmy also has a habit of slipping into a fantasy, so he’ll be talking to his father in one panel and killing him in the next before resuming the conversation as if nothing happened.

In the parallel storyline, the focus is on Jimmy’s grandfather growing up with his abusive father. Jimmy’s grandfather is also shy with an overactive imagination, and there are many subtle similarities between grandfather and grandson. They look alike, they act similar, and they both share the same name. At first this parallel story seems unnecessary but everything comes together at the end. It’s a very satisfying ending that ties up a lot of loose strings, but Jimmy doesn’t really change or grow or learn anything. It’s realistic like that. He’s a broken person at the beginning and he’s still broken at the end. He’s not happy being a loser, but that’s all he knows how to be. It’s a great book. It’s a little confusing and off-putting at first, but you can’t put it down once you get into it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

March 15, 2013 · 9:50 am

Limes

Limes are a small green citrus fruit. They grow on lime trees. They have a bitter, acidic flavor that goes well with a lot of food and drinks. It’s a staple ingredient of Thai, Vietnamese, Indian and Mexican cuisine. Limes are also extremely popular in bars. A margarita without a lime wheel is not a margarita. A gin & tonic without a lime garnish is unacceptable. A Corona without a lime wedge is downright blasphemous. It’s not a tequila shot without licking salt and biting a lime. Limes are a great source of Vitamin C, so you should always order drinks with a lime garnish at the bar. Who knew that preventing scurvy could be so much fun?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

March 14, 2013 · 1:15 am

Pi Day

Every March 14th is Pi Day. That’s because the date is 3/14 and pi is commonly shortened to 3.14. You can celebrate by doing math or eating pie. I prefer eating pie. It’s not a real holiday but it’s a perfectly valid excuse for eating a pie. In honor of Pi Day here is pi to a thousand digits: 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 3305727036 5759591953 0921861173 8193261179 3105118548 0744623799 6274956735 1885752724 8912279381 8301194912 9833673362 4406566430 8602139494 6395224737 1907021798 6094370277 0539217176 2931767523 8467481846 7669405132 0005681271 4526356082 7785771342 7577896091 7363717872 1468440901 2249534301 4654958537 1050792279 6892589235 4201995611 2129021960 8640344181 5981362977 4771309960 5187072113 4999999837 2978049951 0597317328 1609631859 5024459455 3469083026 4252230825 3344685035 2619311881 7101000313 7838752886 5875332083 8142061717 7669147303 5982534904 2875546873 1159562863 8823537875 9375195778 1857780532 1712268066 1300192787 6611195909 2164201989. You’re welcome.

Critically Rated at 3.14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

March 14, 2013 · 1:11 am

Turtle Tap

A turtle tap is when someone lightly slaps your junk, usually while you’re wearing pants but naked turtle taps have been known to happen. The goal of a turtle tap is to be annoying and cause minor discomfort; you’re not trying to destroy any potential future children. You have to choose your victim wisely. Some people don’t like getting smacked in the balls for a cheap laugh and some people get off on that sort of thing. A turtle tap can also be an effective weapon. The next time your little brother is annoying you give him a turtle tap and watch him shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

March 13, 2013 · 10:15 am

An Old Calendar

I don’t have a planner or an appointment book. I have a calendar on the wall that I write important events in. Stuff like upcoming birthdays, parties, vacations, dentist appointments, baseball games, and exciting shit like that. Time slogs on and eventually that calendar is obsolete. But for some reason I can’t throw it out. Maybe it’s because I don’t keep a diary and that calendar is the only proof that I did things and had a social life. Yeah, Facebook has a timeline but that shit is all electronic, and this calendar is physical evidence that I existed and did things. It’s my history. Fifty years from now I can pick up an old calendar and remember that I went to Taco Tuesday for my roommate’s birthday. I won’t remember what I ordered, or who went, or even which roommate it was, but I will know that I had fun that night and didn’t sit on my ass. And that’s worth reminiscing about.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

March 13, 2013 · 10:10 am

Getting Every Last Drop From the Bottle

Things cost money and it’s important to get your money’s worth. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bottle of beer, ketchup, shampoo, syrup or whatever… if you paid for it, you should use it all up. Turn the bottle upside down, smack the bottom, do whatever it takes to get every last drop. Some companies want you to do this. These days Heinz even has upside down ketchup bottles with built-in gravity for maximum condiment efficiency. Getting every last drop from the bottle might make you seem frugal, but it’s better to be cheap than wasteful.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , ,

March 12, 2013 · 10:37 am

Rush Hour 2

Rush Hour 2 is the second movie of the Rush Hour trilogy. Brett Ratner returns to direct, and Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker reprise their roles as Inspector Lee and Detective Carter. The movie starts with Lee showing Carter around Hong Kong in a reversal of the first movie. Now Chris Tucker is the fish out of water. How ironic. Before long there is a bombing at the US Embassy and it’s up to Lee and Carter to find out who is behind it and why.

They investigate the bombing and it leads them to a guy named Ricky Tan (John Lone), a former cop suspected of killing Lee’s father and currently a leader of the Triads. He’s wrapped up in an international counterfeit money laundering scheme involving a rich white guy from LA, a casino, and that chick from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Can Lee and Carter get to the bottom of things and solve the case before they get reunited for Rush Hour 3? I certainly hope so.

This is a by-the-numbers sequel. They looked at everything that was good and memorable about the first one, and they tried to tweak it and rework it for this one. Now Lee asks Carter if he understands the words coming out of his mouth. Oh look, they are singing along to the Beach Boys and Chris Tucker is doing a Michael Jackson impression again. I know they are trying to be self-referential but you can’t make the same movie twice. Rush Hour 2 is like The Hangover Part II, everything that happens in the first movie happens again in the second movie, only slightly tweaked and less funny. They used the same story to make an inferior movie, but it worked and made more money than the original. Rush Hour 2 is the highest grossing live-action martial arts film of all time, and that’s almost criminal. Why couldn’t Bruce Lee and Richard Pryor make a movie?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

March 12, 2013 · 10:34 am

Slice of Pizza

It’s late at night, the bars are closing and your stomach is growling. It’s time for a slice of pizza. You don’t want a whole pie, you just need a slice and you need it now. A slice of pizza is a godsend when you’re drunk and starving. You’ll stumble into a small pizza shop and see a bunch of pizzas with an assortment of toppings bathing under the warmth of a half dozen heat lamps. Now you have choices…. A meat combo or a veggie combo or pepperoni with mushrooms? Decisions, decisions. You order a slice, they pop it in the oven to reanimate it, you add some pizza peppers and Parmesan cheese, then you take a bite and you’re in heaven. A slice of pizza is the perfect way to wrap up a night on the town.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

March 11, 2013 · 10:26 am

Major League Soccer

I went to my first Major League Soccer game last week. I also went to my last Major League Soccer game last week. I saw the San Jose Earthquakes take on Real Salt Lake at the Buck Shaw Stadium in Santa Clara. Buck Shaw Stadium is a small college stadium. Any major league team that doesn’t have it’s own stadium feels like a minor league team. And that’s what MLS is. The players might be professional, but they aren’t good enough to play in the Premier League and that makes them minor leaguers in my opinion. It’s ok to like soccer. But if you like soccer than you should watch the Premier League because it has the best players and the best teams. MLS is like watching benchwarmers play each other. They know how the game works, they are decent athletes, but none of them have the skills or talent to be a starter in a real league. Imagine a bunch of mediocre teams with mediocre players playing mediocre soccer and paying for the experience. That’s Major League Soccer.

A Major League Soccer game is a pretty underwhelming experience and it’s pretty obvious from the get-go. For starters the venders were selling RC Cola. Not Coke, not even Pepsi… motherfucking RC Cola. Classy stuff, guys. More than half the people in the stands are only there because they got free tickets or were forced to go. The rest are actual fans of Major League Soccer. And that worries me because it takes a lot of time and energy to follow a sports team. If you live the in Bay Area and prefer the Earthquakes over the Giants, the 49ers, the A’s, the Raiders, the Warriors, or the Sharks than you have failed at life. Somewhere down the road you made a huge mistake and there’s no chance of redemption. Major League Soccer is a joke and proof that Americans will never take the sport seriously. Unless we somehow win the World Cup, then it’s bandwagon time.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

March 11, 2013 · 10:22 am

Sleeping Bag

A sleeping bag is a bag that you sleep in. You use them when you go camping or have a sleepover. It’s essential camping gear. Most of them roll up or get stuffed into another bag. I don’t know what you call the bag for the sleeping bag, but there has to be a name for it. Quality sleeping bags are made of down or synthetic insulators to keep you warm in freezing temperatures. You can’t climb Everest without a sleeping bag. Mummy sleeping bags are the best because they provide the most protection from the cold. The second best one is the Star Wars Tauntaun sleeping bag, because that’s the best idea for anything ever.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , ,

March 10, 2013 · 10:50 am

Rush Hour (film, not traffic)

Rush Hour is a 1998 comedy/martial arts/buddy cop movie directed by Brett Ratner and starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. One is a hot shot detective from Hong Kong, the other is a loudmouth cop from LA. I’ll let you guess which is which. They are forced to work together when a Chinese diplomat’s daughter gets kidnapped. Detective Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan) is asked by the Chinese to solve the case, and Detective Carter (Chris Tucker) is asked by the FBI to distract Lee and keep him from interfering with the investigation. Carter and Lee don’t trust each other, they don’t like each other, but they have to learn to work together in order to solve the case and save little Soo Yung Han.

Jackie Chan is one of the most entertaining martial artists to ever grace the big screen. He can fight like a motherfucker and does all his own stunts like a badass. And he does some truly spectacular stunts. His fighting style is also unique. Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Chuck Norris… they all just punch and kick the bad guys. Jackie Chan punches and kicks them too, but he’s always trying to escape and avoid fighting. He uses the objects around him for defense and uses them to hurt the bad guys. It’s like parkour as a martial art. He’s not afraid to stand and fight, but he’ll run away if he can. It makes the fights more entertaining, more personal, and more realistic in a lot of ways.

Chris Tucker is talks loud and fast. He is obnoxious and annoying… and somehow endearing. His character is brash, arrogant, and totally full of himself. But he does the right thing when he needs to. Chris Tucker is obviously a Michael Jackson fan and he sneaks a lot of M.J. references into the movie.

The movie is entertaining. There are a lot of plot holes but the producers don’t care and neither should you. Brett Ratner will never win an Oscar but he knows how to make an action flick. The movie is pretty decent, way better than the sequels. The credits are one of the highlights (like most Jackie Chan films) where they show all the bloopers. You see Jackie messing up on stunts and see Chris Tucker messing up his lines. The chemistry they have off-screen carries over into the movie. You should have seen this movie already. A long time ago.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

March 10, 2013 · 10:46 am

Smoking in the Bathroom

Smoking in the bathroom is cliché, but it’s only cliché because it makes sense. If you are a high school student, a college student living in the dorms, or if you’re a grownup stoner with a nosy landlord, then smoking in the bathroom is ideal. The tiled floor and walls combined with ventilation fans and windows means that you can air out any smoke within a few minutes. Then you can just spritz some air freshener and light a match to cover up any lingering aroma of burnt herbs. The bathroom offers you a place to sit and a lock to prevent trespassers. And you have a toilet to flush away the roach and any ash. Some bathrooms are pretty luxurious these days, even more comfortable than the living room. The nicer the bathroom, the nicer the session. Just don’t poop while you’re smoking, that’s tacky.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under 420

Tagged as , , , ,

March 9, 2013 · 9:56 am

Grandma’s Boy

Grandma’s Boy is a stoner comedy flick produced by Happy Madison, Adam Sandler’s production company. It stars Allen Covert, the guy who plays Adam Sandler’s friend in a bunch of Adam Sandler movies. Luckily this movie doesn’t have Adam Sandler in it. Allen Covert stars as Alex, a 35-year-old stoner who works as a videogame tester. He’s kind of a slacker but he gets shit done. He gets kicked out his apartment one day and ends up living with his grandma and her two roommates out of necessity, all while dealing with a major videogame deadline at work and trying to start a relationship with the new office hottie (played by Linda Cardellini).

There really is a plot, but there’s not much of one. Throughout the movie Alex is working on his own game in his spare time. Then his creepy/loser boss steals it and claims it as his own. Alex has to prove that it’s his, and his grandma ends up saving the day by beating the thief in the game, thus proving that her grandson created it. There are lots of cameos and a pretty recognizable cast. Doris Roberts plays Grandma Lily and Shirley Jones and Shirley Knight play her elderly roommates. Kevin Nealon, Nick Swardson, Jonah Hill, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Joel Moore, and a few others play supporting roles or pop up randomly.

My biggest beef with the film is with Dante the Dealer, played by Peter Dante. This movie has a lot of characters and some slightly exaggerated stereotypes, but Dante is too over the top. He orders lions and karate monkeys and is loud and obnoxious. There is no marijuana dealer in the world that acts like him. Maybe the producers are confusing meth heads with stoners, but there’s really no excuse for such a bloated and unfunny caricature of a character. A lot of his jokes aren’t funny; it’s just a set up with no punch line. He drags down the movie in every scene that he’s in, like a live action Jar Jar Binks.

This is a pretty decent comedy. It’s probably the best Happy Madison movie that doesn’t star Adam Sandler. Allen Covert usually plays supporting roles but he proves he can also carry a picture. Grandma’s Boy tanked at the box office, but it has potential to be a cult classic. Check it out if you like stoner comedies, it’s one of the better ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

March 9, 2013 · 9:51 am

Whiteboard

Whiteboards (or dry-erase boards) are a gift from God. In the old days schools around the world had to rely on chalk and chalkboards for lesson plans. Chalk is dirty, dusty, and fucking boring, and chalkboards are a bitch to clean. Now most classrooms have a big ass whiteboard. It’s easier to clean, and you can buy markers in all the colors of the rainbow to jazz up the lesson plan and make learning more fun. Before whiteboards you would have to rely on corkboards or Post-its to pass along passive aggressive notes to your roommates. Now you can scribble out a message and erase it if it’s too harsh. Or you can add some choice swearwords if it’s too nice. It doesn’t matter if the whiteboard is in a classroom, at home, or in the office… eventually some idiot will use a Sharpie instead of dry-erase marker on the board. It’s inevitable. The next time you walk past a whiteboard, I hope that you take a moment to appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,