February 24, 2014 · 12:07 pm

Filtering a Beer

I had to filter a beer the other night. By filtering a beer, I mean that the bottleneck broke when I was trying to open it and pieces of glass fell inside the bottle. I’ve never had that happen before. I drink beer all the time. I’m pretty good at opening bottles. At least I thought I was. Anyway, I tried to open a beer, failed, and small shards of glass got into the beer. It was a Hop Stoopid from Lagunitas, so I didn’t want to waste it. This was a real beer, not a fucking Budweiser. I made a makeshift filter out of paper towels. I would have used a coffee filter, but I don’t have any in the house right now. I placed a paper towel over a big beer mug and slowly poured the beer into the paper towel. It formed a shallow puddle that slowly dripped and drained its way through the paper towel into the mug. I replaced the paper towel every few minutes. Yes, this took more than a few minutes. It probably took about ten to fifteen minutes and four paper towels to filter the 22 ounces of liquid gold. It took a while but it worked and I didn’t have to worry about swallowing glass and shredding my stomach lining. I don’t mind wasting time, but I’ll never waste beer.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

February 24, 2014 · 11:59 am

Vimto (soda)

I made another trip to the corner store with obscure food items and found another British soda that I’ve never heard of. This one is called Vimto. It’s a Fizzy mixed fruit juice drink made with the delicious secret Vimto flavour. To get into specifics, the fruit juices include grape, blackcurrant, and raspberry and the Vimto flavouring includes natural extracts of fruits, herbs, barley malt, and spices. That seems like an interesting medley for a carbonated soft drink. It has a purple colour and a good amount of fizzy bubbles, and it looks like a fun soda. It tastes like a fun soda too. It’s crisp, fruity, light, and refreshing. I think it’s my favourite of the three British sodas I’ve tried in the past week or so. I might even cross the pond to get it again.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , ,

February 23, 2014 · 2:53 pm

Clopen

Ahhhh, the clopen. That’s the term for when you have a closing shift followed by an opening shift the next day. You get to be the last one to leave the building and you get to be the first one there the next morning. It ought to be illegal, but unfortunately it’s not. It’s how you know your managers love you. Clopens shouldn’t be a common occurrence, but they happen more than you’d like them to. I secretly think about sleeping in a storage closet each time I am scheduled to clopen. It makes more sense than trekking all the way home and sleeping uncomfortably for a few hours before coming right back to work. I wonder if I could get away with keeping a tent in the break room. Probably not but it’s worth a shot. If you’re scheduled to work a clopen, you are required to bitch about it nonstop for the duration of those two shifts. It’s not a true clopen if you’re not miserable about it.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

20140223-145253.jpg

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

February 23, 2014 · 2:50 pm

Steve Bartman

Steve Bartman is perhaps the most well known Chicago Cubs fan in history, and for all the wrong reasons. He’s the guy who interfered with a foul ball during the 8th inning of Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS, potentially costing the Chicago Cubs their first chance to get to the World Series in a million years. Even non-baseball fans remember this play. The Cubs were up 3-0 in the 8th and 5 outs away from the World Series when Marlin’s batter Luis Castillo hit a ball down the 3rd baseline and several fans made an attempt to catch it. Steve Bartman was one of those fans, and he was the unfortunate one who managed to deflect it. Cubs outfield Moises Alou wasn’t able to catch the ball and he blamed poor Steve. And then the other Cubs players blamed poor Steve. And then the Cubs announcers and all the Cubs fans in the stands started to blame poor Steve. And then all the other Cubs fans started to blame poor Steve. And poor Steve received death threats and had to be placed under police protection, and he is still hated today. All because of something that was purely instinctual. There were half a dozen other fans who could have been the one to touch the ball. We could all be hating Susie Nonfan just as easily. It just wasn’t Steve Bartman’s day. Steve, if you’re reading this, I feel sorry for you and I’d love to buy you a beer sometime. You’re lucky I’m a Giants fan.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

20140223-144917.jpg

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 22, 2014 · 2:23 am

White Noise (app)

I don’t like paying for apps. 99% of the apps I download are free. If I paid for an app, it better be worth it. I think that the iTunes White Noise app is worth the $1.99 fee. They have a free version, but the full version is where it’s at. White Noise is a sound soother app. It plays relaxing noises to drown out annoying noises when you’re trying to sleep. They have a bunch of different sounds like White Noise, Beach Waves Crashing, Water Sprinkler, Light Rain with Birds, Rain on Car Roof, Tibetan Singing Bowl, Clothes Dryer, Crowded Room, Boat Swaying in Water, City Streets, and Amazon Jungle (my personal favorite). It has a timer function so the sound will stop after you fall asleep. There’s also an alarm clock function as well as a display clock with different color settings. Sound soothers help you fall asleep and sleeping is good. I’ve noticed that when I’m sleeping in the city I tend to play nature sounds, and when I go to my parent’s house in the suburbs I tend to play city sounds. Check out the White Noise app from TMSOFT the next time you’re having trouble sleeping. You can thank me in the morning.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 22, 2014 · 1:21 am

Leninade (soda)

Leninade is a surprisingly satisfying simple Soviet style soda but it’s made by California’s Real Sodas in Real Bottles, Ltd. It’s a lemonade-style soda, but it’s more sweet than it is sour. The novelty factor of the soda makes Leninade better than it really is. They really went all out with the fake Russian propaganda. The soda is even bright red. The bottle invites you to Join The Party! and to Get Hammered & Sickled! and to Drink Comrade! Drink! It’s This Or The Gulag! It’s really not A Taste Worth Standing In Line For! but it’s worth buying and trying just so you can send a picture of it to your Russian friends on VK. VK is like the Russian version of Facebook. The Cold War is over. Celebrate with a cold bottle of Leninade.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 21, 2014 · 1:08 pm

High Five

A high five is a gesture of acknowledgment and celebration. You need a minimum of two people and something to celebrate. Let’s pretend your stupid brother finally got his driver’s license after the fourth attempt. You would say something like “High five” or “Gimme five” and then the two of you slap your palms together. Remember that it’s a celebratory gesture. It has to be earned. You can’t go around high fiving everybody all the time. I had a coworker who would high five everyone and everybody for no reason. It was awkward. He was awkward. He got fired and moved back to his hometown. Nobody misses him. And it’s all because he didn’t know the proper high five etiquette. High fives are easy. You just have to know when to apply them. Don’t be a constant high-fiver, don’t be that guy.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , ,

February 21, 2014 · 1:03 pm

Ben Shaws Dandelion & Burdock (soda)

I went to the corner store that carries obscure food items and a purple can caught my eye. It was a can of Ben Shaws Dandelion & Burdock soda. Ben Shaws is a British soda brand and Dandelion & Burdock is one of their flavors. Dandelion & Burdock has been popular in the British Isles since the Middle Ages. It was originally a type of mead, but it’s evolved into a non-alcoholic soft drink that British people like to drink at the beach. Ben Shaws Dandelion & Burdock is a very interesting soda. It’s a slightly lighter shade of brown than a typical cola, it’s carbonated and fizzy, and it has a sweet floral aroma. The taste is more subtle and muted than I thought it would be, but I didn’t really know what to expect. I can’t quite put my finger on what it tastes like. It reminds me of those fancy violet candies that your grandma would give you but you didn’t like with a little bit of a diet root beer aftertaste. It’s pretty meh. I was excited to try a flavor of soda that I’ve never heard of before, but the excitement went quickly and now I’m bored with it my half-empty can.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , ,

February 20, 2014 · 1:26 pm

El Sabroso Pork Cracklins

I’ve never had pork rinds and I wanted to try pork rinds. So I bought El Sabroso brand Pork Cracklins. It’s Fried Out Pork Fat With Attached Skin, Salsa Packet Included. Sounds appetizing, doesn’t it. When you open the bag and take a whiff you can smell salt and meat. Each pork cracklin is salty, crunchy, and crispy. I tried a few without the salsa first and they were quite delightful. The taste and texture reminds me of a corn nut combined with popcorn and the blackest part of burnt bacon. It took me about five minutes to think of a good enough analogy to describe the flavor, so you better appreciate that. I wasn’t sure how to use the salsa. Should I pour it in the bag with the pork cracklins or should I use a little ramekin or dipping bowl? I ended up dumping some cracklins on a plate and pouring the salsa over some and leaving a pool for dipping. The salsa doesn’t make them better per se, but it does soften them up a little and makes them more spicy. They are good with or without the salsa, and the salsa seems to be kind of messy and unnecessary. It doesn’t seem like a convenient snack to eat on the go. They are good though. I know that I like pork rinds now. You should try them if you are unsure of your pork rind status. Just remember that they aren’t kosher.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

1 Comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , ,

February 20, 2014 · 1:24 pm

Tizer (soda)

There are a few liquor/corner stores around my house, and one of them always has obscure stuff for sale. Like Tizer, “the Great British Pop.” I’ve never seen it before, I’ve never heard of it before, but it’s only 49 pence for 330ml or $1.29 for 11.1586oz. The can is mostly red with a few swirls of green and yellow. The soda itself is red, it looks kind of like a Shirley Temple. It doesn’t say what kind of soda it is and I can’t decide what it’s trying to taste like. The can says that it’s a sparkling mixed flavour soft drink with sugar & sweetener. It’s a pretty fitting description of it. There’s citrus, there’s a vague fruitiness, and it’s kind of sweet. It’s a soda and sodas are good.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , ,

February 19, 2014 · 12:14 pm

Michael Jackson’s Sex Life

Let’s talk about Michael Jackson’s sex life. I don’t think he had one. I don’t think he was a pedophile. I don’t believe he had sex with any little boys. I don’t think he ever had sex with anyone, man or woman. I don’t think he even masturbated. I think he was completely asexual. He never had a real childhood and he never grew up. He was a boy trapped in a man’s body. He thought of himself as Peter Pan, and Peter Pan thinks that sex is icky. You get the impression from his love songs that he didn’t know what love is. It was an abstract concept that was completely foreign to him. He talks about his feelings but he doesn’t say what he is feeling, he just says that he has them. He had three kids, but they are whiter than Jim Gaffigan. Michael Jackson was black. He might have bleached his skin, but he didn’t bleach his DNA. If those were really his kids, they would have a bit more color. Of course this is all speculation. Michael Jackson could have been a pimp mac daddy, but I highly doubt it. Either way, we can all agree that he was one of the best entertainers of all time and it’s a shame that we killed him.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Tagged as , ,

February 19, 2014 · 12:11 pm

Kettle Brand Sriracha Potato Chips

The Sriracha hot sauce phenomenon continues with the introduction of Kettle Brand Sriracha Potato Chips. Kettle Chips are my favorite potato chips and Sriracha is my go-to hot sauce, and this seems like a winning combination. When you open the bag, you’re instantly hit with an intense pepper aroma. It’s like a mild spraying of mace in your face. You can tell that it’s going to be hot right away. I took a chip, popped it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed it. It wasn’t that spicy at first, but Sriracha is deceptive and that’s why I love it. Just when you think that you’re in the clear, it creeps up on you. Your tongue starts to tingle and the fire starts to burn. Your eyes might water and you might start to sweat if you’re not used to spicy foods. And that’s just the first chip. If you’re an amateur, I would advise not shoveling a handful of chips in your mouth because you’ll regret it. The Sriracha flavor lingers and gets hotter and hotter well after the chip is gone. It’s like shotgunning beers. You think that you can handle it and then it suddenly hits you and you realize that you made a big mistake. These are damn good chips. I just wasn’t prepared for them and now I’m sweating like a motherfucker. Make sure you have something to drink when you eat them and that there’s a fire extinguisher near by.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

February 18, 2014 · 12:21 pm

School Bus

A school bus is a bus that takes students to and from school, as well as other school events like field trips and juvenile detention facilities. An American school bus is typically yellow. You don’t want to be on the short bus. The shorter your bus, the more problems you have. I think I’ve been on a school bus once or twice in my life. My mom was a teacher at my school so I always had a ride for elementary and middle school, I carpooled in high school, and I drove in college. I feel like I missed out on a part of my childhood by not taking the school bus. The school bus always seemed so amazing as depicted in movies and on TV shows like The Magic School Bus, The Simpsons, and Billy Madison. It’s a place for shenanigans and rowdiness. I like being rowdy, I like shenanigans, and the school bus seems like the best place for that. It’s a confined space, there’s an audience, there’s an angry driver, and there are no seatbelts. It’s paradise for the rambunctious.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

February 18, 2014 · 12:19 pm

Girl Scout Cookies

Girl Scout Cookies are cookies that Girl Scouts sell. They only sell them a few times each year, so people freak out when its Girl Scout Cookie time. Seriously, grown ass adults go all Cookie Monster when they see a box of Do-si-dos. They will run up to you and ask you where and when you got them. Then they will track down that Girl Scout troop and buy as many boxes as they can carry, then they will come back for more. People stockpile Girl Scout Cookies. They will buy multiple boxes of multiple flavors and hoard them in the cupboard.

There are a few different flavors and varieties of Girl Scout Cookies. But the only ones worth buying are Do-si-dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, and Thin Mints. Thin Mints are the best ones. There is no argument. They are the most popular, the number one seller. And they get even better when you put them in the freezer. It’s all about frozen Thin Mints straight from the freezer. Game over. They taste so good that you get mad those bitches don’t sell them year round.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

February 17, 2014 · 11:49 am

Talking Dead (TV show)

Talking Dead is a talk show for fans who can’t get enough of AMC’s The Walking Dead. It airs right after The Walking Dead, and the two shows go hand in hand. Host Chris Hardwick discusses the latest episode of The Walking Dead with his panel of guests. The guests usually include cast or crew members and celebrity fans of the show. They talk about the crazy cliffhanger endings and all the WTF moments of the show, they show all the zombie kills, and they recap who died. They point out things that you might have missed. They will do a special effects breakdown of a cool scene. There’s usually a sneak peak at the next episode. The Walking Dead is a cult phenomenon and Sunday night becomes an event. You get to watch an hour-long show about the zombie apocalypse and then you get to watch an hour-long talk show about an hour-long show about the zombie apocalypse. There’s something weird about that, but Talking Dead is still worth checking out if you’re a fan of The Walking Dead. It will make your Sunday night feel a little more complete.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 17, 2014 · 11:47 am

Ejection Seat In a Helicopter

I remember watching a History Channel documentary when I was about ten or eleven years old. They mentioned an ejection seat in a helicopter and I immediately started laughing. I thought it was the best bad idea of all time. I pictured a pilot ejecting straight into the blades, splattering instantly like a water balloon in a blender, like shit hitting the fan. It still makes me laugh. I know that real helicopter ejection seats don’t work like that, and that’s almost a shame. An ejection seat in a helicopter. Think about it. Appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , ,

February 16, 2014 · 1:04 pm

Birthday Shout Out

So it’s your birthday. Congratulations. Let me guess, you’re going to celebrate by going out to dinner with friends and family. And one of them will slyly mention that it’s your birthday to your server in hopes that the server will do a birthday shout out and bring out a free dessert. Birthday shout outs are embarrassing. They embarrass the server, they embarrass the birthday boy, and it’s embarrassing for the human race. I’ve experienced both sides of the birthday shout out. I’m a server at a corporate restaurant and I’ve yelled out birthday announcements for thousands of people. And I’ve hated it every single time. Servers hate birthday shout outs for a lot of reasons. One, they are annoying to do. Two, it’s hard to hear what someone is ordering when the whole restaurant is yelling. Three, it opens up Pandora’s box and suddenly every fucking table is celebrating a birthday too. I don’t mind doing a birthday shout out for a kid or for somebody’s 21st birthday, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. Sorry grandma, I’m not going to sing for you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,