Michael Jackson’s Sex Life

Let’s talk about Michael Jackson’s sex life. I don’t think he had one. I don’t think he was a pedophile. I don’t believe he had sex with any little boys. I don’t think he ever had sex with anyone, man or woman. I don’t think he even masturbated. I think he was completely asexual. He never had a real childhood and he never grew up. He was a boy trapped in a man’s body. He thought of himself as Peter Pan, and Peter Pan thinks that sex is icky. You get the impression from his love songs that he didn’t know what love is. It was an abstract concept that was completely foreign to him. He talks about his feelings but he doesn’t say what he is feeling, he just says that he has them. He had three kids, but they are whiter than Jim Gaffigan. Michael Jackson was black. He might have bleached his skin, but he didn’t bleach his DNA. If those were really his kids, they would have a bit more color. Of course this is all speculation. Michael Jackson could have been a pimp mac daddy, but I highly doubt it. Either way, we can all agree that he was one of the best entertainers of all time and it’s a shame that we killed him.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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