April 8, 2014 · 10:41 am

My Neighbors Have a Rooster

My neighbors have a rooster. I know that lots of people have neighbors that have a rooster, but I live in a major US city. There should not be any neighbors with roosters in the city. It’s not cool for the bird and it annoys everybody else. I wouldn’t mind if it only crowded once a day when the sun comes up, but that fucking cock crows at least five times an hour until the sun goes down. It was cute and quaint at first, but the novelty of it faded quickly. The worst part is that I don’t know which neighbors own the rooster, so I can’t tell them how much I hate their rooster. Didn’t they learn anything from Babe: Pig in the City? I didn’t see that movie, but I’m pretty sure it backs up my point. Farm animals should stay on the farm and out of the city. Especially loud and annoying ones like roosters.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2014 · 12:36 pm

Undead Party Crasher (beer)

Undead Party Crasher in an American Imperial Stout brewed by Clown Shoes in Ipswich, Massachusetts. I’ve never even heard of that brewery, but I was lucky enough to come across a bottle at a liquor store in Las Vegas. The label is what originally attracted my attention. There aren’t too many beers that have zombie apocalypse-related artwork. I really didn’t have a choice, I had to try this beer and I’m glad that I did because it was pretty damn good. It pours a dark brown, almost black, with a thick tan head. It has a rich roasted malt aroma with coffee and chocolate notes with a little vanilla. The taste is of roasted malts, coffee, chocolate, mocha, vanilla, molasses, a little smoke, and a dash of spice. It’s a very smooth and creamy stout and it’s very drinkable. You can’t even taste the alcohol despite the impressive 11% ABV. I haven’t had the chance to try any other beers from Clown Shoes, but Undead Party Crasher made a great first impression on me. I will be on the lookout for their brews from now on.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2014 · 12:34 pm

No Housework Day

April 7th of each year is No Housework Day. It’s a day to procrastinate and be lazy about household chores. This is an actual holiday. You can Google it if you don’t believe me. But you should save some time and just trust me on this. It’s No Housework Day. You really don’t have to do any housework. How awesome is that? You might still have to run errands or go grocery shopping, but at least you don’t have to clean up the bathroom or wash dishes. You should celebrate by giving the maid a day off and letting the mess accumulate in the kitchen. It’s ok to slack off every once in a while, and this holiday is a reminder to do that.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 6, 2014 · 11:51 am

The Windmill Hole

I remember going to play mini golf on a glorious 4/20 a few years ago with a few friends. There was a dad playing with his young son and daughter right ahead of us. He seemed like your average suburb dad spending some quality time with his kids, but then we found out that he was an idiot a few holes in. We got to the stereotypical windmill hole, the kind you see at every miniature golf course where you try to get your ball into a small hole at the base of the windmill without the spinning blades knocking it out of the way. The dad teed off and got the ball into the hole but it didn’t come out the other end. So he went up to the windmill to look into the little hole, and the blade smacked him in the side of the head, right in the temple hard enough to send him staggering backward. He instinctively grabbed his head and when he took his hand away, you could see he was bleeding profusely from a massive gash. I remember his daughter shrieking, “DADDY! YOU’RE BLEEDING!!” He told them it was time to go and they quickly walked away. There was a mother from another group who saw them leaving and asked us what happened. We told her the story and she said, “Well, that was pretty stupid,” and we totally agreed with her. It was one of the dumbest things that I’ve ever seen anyone do. That guy almost killed himself playing mini golf in front of his two kids. He deserved that concussion. Just remember the hazards of mini golf and don’t fuck around on the windmill hole. That shit is dangerous.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 6, 2014 · 11:44 am

I Like Turtles

I Like Turtles is a famous meme that’s been bouncing around the internet since 2007. It’s brilliant in its simplicity. A news reporter goes to a lame festival in search of a sound bite and finds a young boy in zombie makeup. She asks him what he thinks about the fair and he responds by saying he likes turtles. She doesn’t know how to handle that awkward exchange, so she cuts back to the studio. At that point, it was already too late. Ten-year-old Jonathan Ware became a YouTube sensation overnight. He even got to appear on Tosh.0 to explain what happened. Apparently he had just left a turtle exhibit and still had turtles on the brain. So when he was asked what he was thinking, he responded honestly: “I like turtles.” The world would be a better place if only people were so forward and frank as young Jonathan. And now we have a built-in response for boring questions thanks to him. I’ve included the YouTube video below and I suggest that you watch it if you’ve never seen it before. It might just be the highlight of your day. Check it out.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 5, 2014 · 5:52 am

USB Flash Drive

A USB Flash Drive (sometimes called a thumb drive) is a data storage device, but I wouldn’t recommend getting one if you don’t have a computer. Flash drives have no moving parts so they are extremely durable and reliable. They use flash memory, they are reusable and rewritable, and they are increasing in storage capacity every year. They used to be measured in megabytes, then gigabytes, and now we are up to terabytes of storage. You can have more stuff stored on your keychain than on your personal computer at home. That’s a lot of porn and WikiLeaks to be carrying around in your pocket. Flash drives used to be a novelty, but now they are a necessity. It’s one of the best ways to backup files or share data. Plus they get cheaper and cheaper every year. If you don’t have one, perhaps it’s time to change that. Twenty bucks will get you something that has more storage capacity than you will know what to do with. Plus you will feel like a spy when you use it. And who doesn’t want to be James Bond?

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 5, 2014 · 5:50 am

Voodoo Doughnut Pretzel, Raspberry & Chocolate Ale

Voodoo Doughnut Pretzel, Raspberry & Chocolate Ale is an American Brown Ale from Oregon’s Rogue Ales. Rogue is known for interesting and unique brews, and this is one of their more extreme offerings. It pours a dark brown with a creamy tan head. It has an intriguing aroma with chocolate and toasted malts, vanilla, raspberry, caramel, and coffee. It smells good, but it tastes even better. It’s sweet, chocolate, and you get the sweet and tangy sensation of raspberry, but and a hint of pretzel. It’s slightly salty and has bread/biscuit thing going on. It’s unlike any other brown ale I’ve tasted. You actually see the cocoa powder clinging to the side of the glass as you drink it. It has a decent 6.75% alcohol content and it makes for an excellent dessert beverage. I wouldn’t want to drink more than one though. It comes in a bright pink bottle with a gingerbread man-like voodoo doll on the label. It stands out on the shelf and that’s hard to do these days. This is a good beer and worth trying out, but I don’t think it will become your favorite beer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2014 · 9:29 am

Flight Delay

A flight delay is when your flight is delayed. Don’t make me spell it out for you. Planes are late all the time. It happens for all sorts of reasons such as weather, too much air traffic, unruly passengers, terror threats, drunk pilots, etc. I have a theory that flight delays are a conspiracy designed to get you to buy another round at the airport bar. Yesterday I was flying home from Vegas and had time for a quick drink. I got a double Jack & Coke and some fries, and was lucky enough to catch some of the Giants vs. the D-Backs game on TV, then strolled over to my boarding gate. I looked out the window and noticed that my plane hadn’t arrived yet, but I figured it wouldn’t be too long so I found an empty chair and pulled out a book to read. As soon as I pulled out my book, my phone buzzed and I had a text notification that my flight was going to be delayed forty-five minutes. My book wasn’t that interesting, so I went back to the bar and got a beer. Then another Jack & Coke because two beers would make me have to pee on the flight and I knew I had a window seat. That’s what I call drinking responsibly. I didn’t want another round. I didn’t want to waste more money. But my flight was delayed. What else could I do?

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2014 · 9:28 am

Flying On a Plane

Sticking to this airport theme that I have going here, let me just say that flying on a plane is the closest thing that we have to time travel. We are bending time and space whenever we fly from place to place. Now you can wake up in California and fall asleep in Paris. Do you realize how amazing that is? They would have called you crazy if you said that a hundred years ago. They would have burned you alive if you said that three hundred years ago. Flying on a plane is like cheating. An eight-hour drive becomes a two-hour flight. It makes the world a smaller and more accessible place. It’s a miracle of the Bill Nye variety. If you’re a nervous flier, I have some advice: remember that planes are designed to be in the air and ignore the fact that humans aren’t meant to fly. And go to the airport bar. That’s why it’s there.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2014 · 10:21 am

Airport Conversations

Airport conversations are some of the most interesting conversations that you will ever experience. You’ll have an hour to kill before your flight starts boarding, so naturally you’ll go to the bar to pass the time. Someone will sit down next to you and you’ll make idle conversation but you know that you’ll most likely never see that person again. Somehow that means that your conversation will casual but intimate. You’ll tell them your whole story: your name, your occupation, where you’re from, where you’re going, sometimes things that you’ve never even told your closest friends and family. Then you realize your plane’s about to depart, so you say goodbye, wish them a safe flight, and go your separate ways. You’ll never see them or hear from them again, but sometimes it’s nice to have a friend for forty-five minutes.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2014 · 10:17 am

The Las Vegas Cowboy

The Las Vegas Cowboy is a famous neon sign of a gigantic winking cowboy. If you’ve seen any movies about Vegas from the ’80s or ’90s, you should know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a famous landmark, not quite as glamorous as the Statue of Liberty, but it’s still memorable and worth checking out. He’s called Vegas Vic, and he’s been the unofficial mascot of Las Vegas since 1951. I’ve been to Vegas a few times. I went in 2006 and didn’t get around to seeing it. I went again in 2013 and still didn’t see it. But I finally saw it last night. It wasn’t as impressive as I thought it would be, but at least I can finally cross it off my bucket list. I took a picture of it. You can see it below. If you ever go to Vegas, you should check it out. Just remember that it’s on Fremont Street a.k.a Old Vegas, not on the Strip where everybody goes now. Don’t go out of your way to see it, but see it if you can.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2014 · 9:15 am

Lightsabers

You’re not a real nerd if you’ve never wished that lightsabers were real. They are the ultimate badass sci-fi weapon. It’s a fucking sword made of laserbeams! It can slice through almost anything except for another lightsaber. Which brings me to my next point: Everybody always wants one lightsaber and that’s stupid. You need two lightsabers. Half the fun in lightsabers is hearing the sound of them clashing together, and you have Ben Burtt to thank for that. He’s the sound designer who created the distinctive humming and menacing crackling sound effects that made the lightsabers seem real. They look badass but they sound even cooler. No Star Wars movie is complete without a lightsaber battle, and no childhood is complete without a mock lightsaber battle. I could nerd out and tell you all about the mythology of the Jedi’s preferred weapon, but I think you should explore Wookieepedia for yourself.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2014 · 9:13 am

Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra Core

Karamel Sutra Core is another gourmet ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s chocolate ice cream, caramel ice cream, fudge chips, and a soft caramel core in the middle. To put it lightly, it’s rich. It’s too rich. The chocolate ice cream is creamy and heavy. The caramel ice cream is sweet and smooth. The fudge chips add crunch and texture but add to the overall sweetness. And the caramel core is almost too much. This is the type of ice cream that you take a spoonful of and stop eating because you feel guilty about all the starving kids in China. Then you take another spoonful and think about all the starving kids in Africa. Then you take another spoonful and say fuck it. There might be starving kids, but there’s no way that they’d appreciate this ice cream as much as you do. This isn’t the best flavor in Ben & Jerry’s Core Lineup, but it’s possibly the most indulgent and excessive.

Critically Rated at12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 1, 2014 · 12:28 pm

Slug Bug

Slug Bug is a game where you punch your friend/sibling/unfortunate victim when you see a Volkswagen Beetle. The rules are simple. If you see a Beetle, you shout out “Slug Bug!” and the color of the car and punch somebody in the arm. You can’t reuse the same Beetle, so there are no immediate retaliations (unless you happen to be driving past a Volkswagen dealership). Slug Bug is also known as Punch Buggy in some places, but Slug Bug is a better name because it has fewer syllables, it rhymes, and it rolls off the tongue. Slug Bug is a game that your parents don’t want you to play, but it was a rite of passage during adolescence. It teaches you to pay attention to your surroundings and to always be on guard. You might get bruised, but you still get toughened up. And that’s a damn good life lesson to learn early on.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 1, 2014 · 12:25 pm

Brewers Association’s Top 50 U.S. Craft Brewing Companies

The Brewers Associationjust came out with its list of the Top 50 U.S. Craft Brewing Companies. This isn’t my list but it’s worth sharing.

1 Boston Beer Co. Boston MA

2 Sierra Nevada Brewing Co. Chico CA

3 New Belgium Brewing Co. Fort Collins CO

4 Gambrinus San Antonio TX

5 Lagunitas Brewing Co. Petaluma CA

6 Deschutes Brewery Bend OR

7 Bell’s Brewery, Inc. Galesburg MI

8 Duvel Moortgat USA Kansas City MO &

Cooperstown NY

9 Brooklyn Brewery Brooklyn NY

10 Stone Brewing Co. Escondido CA

11 Matt Brewing Co. Utica NY

12 Harpoon Brewery Boston MA

13 Dogfish Head Craft Brewery Milton DE

14 Shipyard Brewing Co. Portland ME

15 Abita Brewing Co. Abita Springs LA

16 Firestone Walker Brewing Co. Paso Robles CA

17 Alaskan Brewing Co. Juneau AK

18 New Glarus Brewing Co. New Glarus WI

19 SweetWater Brewing Co. Atlanta GA

20 Great Lakes Brewing Co. Cleveland OH

21 Anchor Brewing Co. San Francisco CA

22 Long Trail Brewing Co. Bridgewater Corners VT

23 Summit Brewing Co. St. Paul MN

24 Oskar Blues Brewery Longmont CO

25 Full Sail Brewing Co. Hood River OR

26 Founders Brewing Co. Grand Rapids MI

27 Rogue Ales Newport OR

28 Victory Brewing Co. Downingtown PA

29 Ballast Point Brewing Co. San Diego CA

30 Ninkasi Brewing Co. Eugene OR

31 Southern Tier Brewing Co. Lakewood NY

32 Cold Spring Brewing Co./Third Street Brewhouse Cold Spring MN

33 Flying Dog Brewery Frederick MD

34 Odell Brewing Co. Fort Collins CO

35 Stevens Point Brewery Co. Stevens Point WI

36 Bear Republic Brewing Co. Cloverdale CA

37 Lost Coast Brewery and Cafe Eureka CA

38 Left Hand Brewing Co. Longmont CO

39 CraftWorks Restaurants & Breweries, Inc. Chattanooga & Louisville TN/CO

40 Breckenridge Brewery Denver CO

41 Karl Strauss Brewing Co. San Diego CA

42 Blue Point Brewing Co. Patchogue NY

43 Sixpoint Brewery Brooklyn NY

44 BJ’s Chicago Pizza & Brewery, Inc. Huntington Beach CA

45 North Coast Brewing Co. Inc. Fort Bragg CA

46 Uinta Brewing Co. Salt Lake City UT

47 Allagash Brewing Co. Portland ME

48 Saint Arnold Brewing Co. Houston TX

49 Gordon Biersch Brewing Co. San Jose CA

50 21st Amendment Brewery San Francisco CA

 

I’ve tried beers from twenty-two of these breweries, and that’s not bad. It’s not impressive, but it’s definitely not bad. I’m pretty happy that a few of my favorite breweries made the list. I’ve been going to 21st Amendment for years, and I’m pleased that they were able to crack the list and gain a little more exposure. I’m a big fan of Bear Republic, Stone Brewing, Ninkasi, Anchor Brewing, and Lagunitas, so seeing these breweries make the cut just reaffirms my taste in craft brews. I like Sierra Nevada, but I’m really surprised to see them so high on the list. Stone and Lagunitas make much better beers with a lot more variety. There are a few breweries that are decidedly overrated and undeserving of a place so high up on this list (Rogue Ales and New Belgium, I’m looking at you). There are a lot of breweries that I can’t wait to experience and Critically Rate. This isn’t just a list of top U.S. craft breweries, this is a bucket list. And really, no Russian River brews? No Pliny the Elder? No Pliny the Younger? Seems like a pretty incomplete list to me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Youngurl

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March 31, 2014 · 9:41 am

Hypnic Jerk

Sometimes when I’m really tired and lying in bed, seconds away drifting off to sleep, I’ll have a sudden twitch that wakes me up again. It doesn’t hurt or anything, but it’s annoying because I was right about to fall asleep and now I’m back at square one. So I had a sleep twitch the other night and it woke me up enough to inspire me to write a Critically Rated article about it. I Googled “sleep twitch” to do some research and found out that it’s a perfectly natural and common occurrence that can be caused by stress, anxiety, exercise, and caffeine, but sometimes they just happen for no reason. The technical name for it is Hypnic Jerk, which I think is awesome. It sounds like an insult or a shitty punk band. Hypnic jerks keep you awake, and you get stressed because you can’t sleep, and stress causes you to have more hypnic jerks. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m pretty sure that’s where the expression “circle jerk” comes from.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 31, 2014 · 9:39 am

Dropping Change You’re Trying to Put In Your Pocket

You’re at the corner store buying a soda and some chips and maybe a candy bar, and your total comes out to $4.07. You hand the cashier a five-dollar bill, and he hands you back 93 cents. You take your small pile of coins and try to shove it in your pocket but you completely miss. The coins hit the floor and roll in all different directions. You wish that you could just pretend like it didn’t happen and walk out the door, but you can’t abandon those quarters. So you swallow your pride and get down on your hands and knees to pick them up. And you might as well pick up the dimes while you’re at it because those aren’t completely worthless. And you pick up the nickels and pennies because you don’t want to litter. Dropping change you’re trying to put in your pocket makes you feel like less of a person. The truth is you are. But it’s only temporary. Only the cashier and people waiting in line behind you know that you’re a failure. Nobody on the street knows what you did, so you’re in the clear once you exit the store.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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