October 28, 2014 · 12:39 pm

Wet Hot American Summer

Wet Hot American Summer is a 2001 comedy about the last day of summer at the fictional Camp Firewood. It’s not just a comedy; it’s completely off the wall and ridiculous. It’s more like Airplane! than most comedy films that come out. It’s packed with jokes, one-liners, and sight gags. It has a pretty solid cast featuring Michael Showalter, David Hyde Pierce, Bradley Cooper, Janeane Garofalo, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon, and more. The movie was a flop when it came out but it’s become a cult classic in the years since.

There’s a plot, albeit a nonsensical one. It’s the last day of camp and the big talent show is tonight. Coop has a crush on Katie, but she’s in a relationship with the douchey Andy. Camp director Beth has a mutual crush on Associate Professor Henry Newman, but they are both too awkward to act on it. And to make things more complicated, Henry has detected a piece of NASA’s Skylab has broken off and is heading directly for the camp and he must find a way to stop the disaster. Even though the film takes place in one day, there’s no way that all the things that happen in the movie could happen in one day. It’s like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off but they acknowledge the fact that it’s impossible and have fun with it, like the scene where the camp counselors go into town and have a crazy drug-fueled montage and return to camp an hour later.

This movie is the smart kind of stupid. And it’s not for everyone. Watch it for ten minutes and give it time to settle in. If you don’t like it by then, stop watching it. But if you manage to make it through the whole movie, it will become one of your favorite comedies. Well, it should be at least. You might have awful taste in movies.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2014 · 6:06 pm

Snapple Peach Tea

Snapple Peach Tea is a peach flavored iced tea. You’ll like it if you like iced tea and peaches. It’s made from green and black tea leaves just in case you were wondering. I know that if I were you, I would be wondering what kind of tea leaves they use to make it. It’s refreshing to drink on a hot day and it’s a healthier alternative than a soda. It’s caffeinated and that’s always a bonus, just maybe not right before bedtime. If you’re going to get it, look for the glass bottle as opposed to the larger plastic bottle. The glass bottle caps are the ones with “Real Facts” printed on them. Some of the “Real Facts” are real and some of them are completely wrong or inaccurate. It’s like the Wikipedia of bottle caps.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2014 · 2:24 pm

Dallas Airport Homophobe

There’s a video circulating the internet of an angry homophobe attacking a man he believes is gay. It’s a video that shows the best of people and the worst of people. It starts with an angry guy taunting and threatening a fellow traveller wearing a pink shirt. A group of nervous onlookers try to calm the man down and relieve the situation. They ask him why he’s so upset, they try to reason with him, they ask him if it’s worth going to jail for. All of that just adds fuel to the fire and he suddenly attacks the guy in pink. But then the crowd jumps into action, tackling him and restraining him until a few cops show up to arrest him. It’s street justice, it’s vigilantism, it’s instant karma. The best part is that this video takes place in the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport, deep in the heart of Texas. Texas isn’t exactly known for being liberal and supportive of gay rights, so it’s refreshing to see the crowd rush in to help. It looks like one guy even broke his ankle in the process. There’s a lot of hate in the world, but there’s a lot more love. It’s hard to remember that sometimes. Videos like this remind you of that.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2014 · 1:56 pm

Slim Jim Tabasco

Slim Jim Tabasco takes the processed smoked snack stick you know and love and combines it with the spicy pepper sauce that you also know and love. It gives the meat stick an extra kick. It’s pretty good actually. I like it more than other Slim Jim flavors. It’s not extremely spicy but it makes you sweat a little bit. Real jerky is a thousand times better, but sometimes real jerky is not available. That’s when you grab a Slim Jim. And if you’re grabbing a Slim Jim, try the Tabasco infused one. As long as you’re settling for an inferior product, you might as well make it a superior inferior product. That’s what Slim Jim Tabasco is. A superior inferior product. That makes sense if you think about it long enough.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2014 · 1:25 pm

LeVar Burton Reads “Go the Fuck to Sleep”

LeVar Burton is an actor most famous for portraying the young Kunta Kinte in Roots, the blind guy in Star Trek: The Next Generation, and as the host of Reading Rainbow. He got millions of young Americans interested in books and literature. He’s not quite Mr. Rogers, but he’s been a positive influence in children’s television programming for decades. Recently he did a reading of Adam Mansbach’s Go the Fuck to Sleep as part of telethon to raise money for charity. Go the Fuck to Sleep is not a children’s book. It’s a parody of children’s books written from the perspective of an exasperated parent trying to get their kid to go the fuck to sleep, and it’s full of cuss words that would get bleeped on basic cable. LeVar reads the short story to a group of adults sitting cross-legged and listening intently. It’s impossible not to have flashbacks to your childhood, but it’s slightly jarring (and also hilarious) to hear him cussing like a sailor. LeVar agreed to do the reading if viewers donated $75,000. The telethon ended up raising $442,389. That’s not all LeVar, but he definitely helped.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 24, 2014 · 11:24 pm

Luggage Tag

A luggage tag is a tag for your luggage that contains your personal information in case your bag gets lost. It should have your first and last name, your address, and your phone number. You don’t need to put all your personal information on it, especially not your social security or PIN number. Don’t get carried away. You just want your bag to get returned, not have your identity stolen. Luggage tags are often given away by corporations as a form of advertising because they want their brand and logo to be seen in airports around the world. You should never buy something if you can get it for free. And who really wants to waste money on a luggage tag? I’d rather buy a soda and a pack of Skittles. Or stamps. Or a little key chain that lights up. You can make your own luggage tag with a Post-it note and some Scotch Tape.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2014 · 1:46 pm

Sand Dollar

A sand dollar is a sea creature related to sea urchins, star fish, and sea cucumbers. They are basically round and flat sea urchins living in a “shell” with a star pattern on it. The shell is actually their skeleton, and when they die you find their hollowed body washed up on the beach. When you picture a sand dollar in your mind, you’re imagining the corpse of one. The dead sand dollar is the thing that the Flintstones use for currency. Yes, the thing you gave your girlfriend as a romantic gesture were skeletal remains. How sweet. They are often used as paperweights because there’s not too much you can do with them other than look at them. Sand dollars are one of those things that you think are interesting but you don’t think too much about. But they are pretty fascinating if you bother to do some basic research. If you have a sand dollar lying around, pick it up now. Go on, grab it. You got it in your hands now? Ok, perfect. Flip it over so that it’s upside down and put your finger on the hole in the center of the bottom. Is your finger on the hole now? If it’s not, put your finger directly on the hole. Do you know what that hole is? It’s the anus. I just made you finger a sand dollar’s butthole. Behold the power of the internet. Now go wash your hands.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2014 · 1:44 pm

Orange Juice

Orange juice is juice made from oranges. You can drink it anytime you want, but most people consider it to be a breakfast beverage. It’s full of vitamin C, so it will help fight colds and stop scurvy. It’s also an essential ingredient for mimosas and screwdrivers. It tastes good, is beneficial to your health, and it makes a great mixer. No refrigerator is complete without it. Orange juice is commonly referred to as OJ. It’s the only juice that gets an abbreviated name. Apple juice is apple juice, not AJ. Pineapple juice is pineapple juice, not PJ. Cranberry juice is cranberry juice, not CJ. Grape juice is grape juice, not GJ. I don’t know why orange juice is the lone exception. You would think that Minute Maid and Tropicana would try to distance themselves from the term OJ after the whole incident involving a certain football player, two dead people, and a white Bronco, but I guess OJ is too established a term.
When you’re picking out orange juice, you have to pay attention to your pulp levels. So,e people love pulp, some people hate it, and some have no feelings toward it. No Pulp is always a safe option, but it’s boring. You want some pulp, just not too much. Luckily Some Pulp is actually an option. I think Tropicana makes it. It’s the ideal pulp level for mimosas.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2014 · 2:10 pm

A Map of All the Places You’ve Been

My roommate has a map of the United States on the wall. She puts little flags in all the cities, national parks, and places that she’s been. It’s like a visual representation of where she’s traveled, and it’s a great idea. So naturally I have to one up her. I plan on getting a map of the world so I can start putting up flags in all the places I’ve gone to. Right now there wouldn’t be too many flags, but that’s just motivation for me to get my ass to somewhere new. A map of all the places you’ve been makes you realize that the world is a big place and there is so much to see and do. You have to venture out of your bubble every once in a while to have unforgettable experiences that you can bore people with at Christmas parties for years to come. So get a map and some little flags and start to document where you’ve been, and think about where the next flag should go.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2014 · 2:08 pm

Mini Fridge

A mini fridge is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a miniature refrigerator. They are perfect for dorms, apartments, and offices. No man cave is complete without one (unless you have a kegerator, that trumps all). They are essentially glorified and electrified coolers. They aren’t too spacious but you can keep a couple of six packs in them with enough room left over for some sandwich materials and things to eat. I have a mini fridge. My mom is a teacher and she gave me the one from her classroom when I went to college. It’s followed me to the dorms and everywhere I’ve lived since. At one point I stopped using it as a fridge and started using it as storage space. I know that it still works because I accidently plugged it in one time. I woke up a few hours later and discovered a bunch of really cold computer cables and hard drives in my makeshift cabinet. They still worked okay after I thawed them out a little. I didn’t blame the mini fridge for my stupidity and that’s why I still have it to this day. This thing will become an heirloom.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2014 · 9:21 pm

The Day The Series Stopped (documentary)

October 17th was the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Loma Prieta earthquake and the San Francisco Giants are in the World Series again, so it only seems fitting to talk about ESPN’s 30 for 30 documentary The Day The Series Stopped. Director Ryan Fleck takes you back to the unforgettable 1989 earthquake that rocked the Bay Area just prior to the World Series Game 3 between the A’s and the Giants. It’s not the best documentary about the Loma Prieta earthquake, but it’s definitely the most sports-focused one.

The documentary begins by exploring the rivalry between the two teams and cities and setting up the atmosphere of the Bay Area at the time. You meet the important players and coaches and characters from each team. You meet a few fans and what their teams mean to them. Fleck does a great job of setting you up for the moment that changed everything. At 5:04 p.m. the ground started to shake as 6.9 magnitude quake roared to life. You experience the quake through the eyes of the players, coaches, broadcasters, and fans in the stadium that day.

At first they are shaken, then relieved, then they want the game to start. But soon they start to hear reports of all the widespread damage and chaos and the scope of the tragedy starts to set in. Baseball takes a backseat to Mother Nature any day of the week. The documentary explores the eyewitness accounts of fans, players, and coaches and even delves into the science of earthquakes. It shows the healing power of sports through escapism. It’s emotional, educational, and entertaining. It’s not the best 30 for 30 documentary but it’s one of my favorites. Although, I’m a little bit biased because I experienced the quake myself and my parents were at that game. It’s worth watching.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2014 · 9:17 pm

Catching Something With Your Foot

I was at work the other day talking to my coworker when he suddenly dropped his empty coffee mug. It would have shattered completely but my spidey-sense was tingling and I was able to stick out my foot and break the fall. He was impressed with my quick reflexes and nimble athleticism, and he was especially grateful that he didn’t lose his favorite mug. It’s weird how attached we get to our coffee mugs. Catching something with your foot makes you feel like Pele. Or David Beckham. Or whoever the hip soccer player that all the kids are talking about now is. The most important thing to remember is that you’re not trying to kick the object, you’re trying to slow its descent using your foot. Be cautious and be gentle. Imagine that somebody dropped an egg or a baby. Use too much force and you’ll break it and that defeats the point of trying to save it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2014 · 12:22 pm

Not Knowing Who You’re Talking To

We live in an age of caller ID and ADD, so there are lots of times when you’ll end up having a conversation with somebody and you’re not quite sure who they are. I got a text this morning from a number I don’t recognize. The person mentioned that they bumped into a girl I used to work with, so I assume that it’s a coworker from the past but I have no way to be sure. I just kept on texting them back like I knew who I was talking to. I suppose I could have asked who I was talking to, but that seemed rude because this person obviously know who I was. So I just went along with it and kept asking questions about the girl the person bumped into. I had no idea who I was talking to but the person had no idea I didn’t know, so no harm, no foul. Not knowing who you’re talking to is a weird feeling, but I guess it’s better than not talking to anybody.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2014 · 12:21 pm

A Dreaming Dog

There are few things in life more amusing than a dreaming dog. Your favorite pooch will be splayed out on the floor fast asleep except for the occasional yip and soft growl. You can’t help but smile as his legs start twitching and moving, and you know that he’s running around in dreamland, chasing squirrels and barking at skateboarders. You’ll never know what he’s actually dreaming about. He could be dreaming about eating delicious people food, finally catching his tail, or winning his war with the cat. You’re golden as long as he’s not dreaming about gnawing on your face. Let sleeping dogs lie, but have your camera ready just in case he sleep runs into the wall. Then you can be a YouTube sensation like this guy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 18, 2014 · 6:33 pm

Microbeads

Microbeads are the tiny little beads that you find in various skin care products, mostly in facial scrubs. They are used to help exfoliate your skin and to clear your pores. They might make your skin look better but they are hell on the environment because they are made of plastic. Each time you wash your face you’re unleashing hundreds of plastic balls upon the world. And if you paid attention in science class, you might recall that plastic takes thousands of years to decompose. Your skin might look clean, but you’re ruining the planet. There are high concentrations of plastic in US lakes and microbeads compose up to 90% of those plastics. It’s to the point where the cosmetic industry has acknowledged that microbeads are a huge mistake and they’ve pledged to stop using them by 2019. We will see if that happens. People care about the planet, but they are way more concerned with their personal appearance. Who cares about pollution as long as you look good?

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 18, 2014 · 6:31 pm

Smoke Detector

A smoke detector is a device that you’ll find in most homes and businesses. It’s called a smoke detector because it detects smoke, and when it does it lets out a shrill sound to alert you to any potential fires. Smoke detectors were designed to save lives and they have saved thousands of lives. I don’t have any numbers or statistics on how many lives are saved by smoke detectors every year, but I assume that it’s a few hundred. That sounds reasonable to me. You probably have a couple of smoke detectors in your house. Half of them probably don’t work. That’s because they run on 9 volt batteries instead of a direct electrical current. Whenever the battery gets low, the machine starts beeping and chirping to remind you to put in a new battery. But you don’t have any 9 volt batteries lying around, only AA and AAA batteries like normal people. So you take out the battery just so it stops beeping and you can finally experience some peace and quiet. After a while you forget about it. Then you’re fucked if your place ever does catch on fire. Oh well, you had a good run.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 17, 2014 · 10:17 pm

400 Views

CriticallyRated.com reached a milestone today. We hit 400 daily views for the first time in our 2+ year history. That doesn’t sound too impressive, but you have to consider the fact that we don’t advertise and rely solely on word of mouth to generate traffic. We’ve slowly gathered a cult following thanks to our many readers, especially the ones who take the time to share a link. CriticallyRated.com has been a passion project for me, and it’s become one of the most rewarding things that I’ve done in life. I’ve done things that I never thought I would experience just so that I could Critically Rate it. I never claimed to be an expert on anything, nor do I want to be. I just want to voice my opinion and have other people relate to it. And people have. So I thank you, thank you, and thank you again. I’m easy to please. I’m happy to get a text message from a friend, so I’m beyond honored and shocked when hundreds of people take the time to read some bullshit that I wrote. Thank you for checking it out and thank you for coming back. Even though I run it, it’s our blog.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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