criticallyrated | Critically rated rants and reviews | Page 28

February 3, 2015 · 10:19 pm

Outside Food

I work in a restaurant and I’m surprised at how many people try to bring in outside food. They will bring in hot dogs, chowder bowls, pretzels, ice cream cones, etc. Then they act shocked when you tell them that they can’t bring outside food inside. Some of them get mad about it. They will try to argue, they will try to justify it, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse as to why they should be allowed to bring it in. The bottom line is that you’re going to a restaurant to eat the food that it offers. That’s the whole point of going there. You don’t need to go to a restaurant if you already have food in your grubby little hand. So don’t go. Stay outside, enjoy your outside food, and you can come in once it’s finished to see what they have to offer inside. It’s as simple as that. You don’t go to the movies to watch Netflix on your phone. You don’t go to the bar with a beer in your hand. What makes you think it’s ok to go to a restaurant if you’re not going to eat their food? Oy, people suck.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as food, outside food, restaurant

February 3, 2015 · 10:18 pm

Mr. Sketch Smelly Markers

Mr. Sketch is a brand of scented permanent pens. I grew up calling them smelly markers, which is an apt description because they are markers that smell. Be forewarned: they smell great but they taste terrible. I was brought up with the main eight colors/scents. The scent matches the color. Red is Cherry. Yellow is Lemon. Green is Mint. Blue is Blueberry. Purple is Grape. Black is Licorice. Brown is Cinnamon. I can’t remember what Orange is. Mr. Sketch Smelly Markers are a gateway marker. You start by sniffing these in elementary school and you’ll be sniffing Sharpies by middle school, high school at the latest. By college you’ll be huffing spray paint. It’s evolution in action. What’s next? Flavored edible finger paint? That will teach the kids to stay away from paint chips.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as color, colors, flavor, Mr. Sketch, permaent marker, permanent pen, scent, scented, smelly markers

February 2, 2015 · 3:35 pm

Suddenly Stopping While Walking

I live in a major US city with a lot of famous landmarks and points of interest. That means our sidewalks are littered with tourists who see nothing wrong with suddenly stopping while walking to take a picture or admire the scenery. They will be walking at a brisk pace and then stop instantly in the middle of the sidewalk without any warning or indication. You’ll plow right into them if you’re not paying attention. Then the idiot will glare at you and act like it’s your fault that you ran into them. They don’t seem to realize or care that they are the one at fault. They don’t know how to walk, but you’re the one to blame somehow. You shouldn’t be allowed to walk if you have the habit of stopping suddenly. It’s dangerous and stupid. It’s like slamming your brakes on the freeway. You deserve to be crashed into. It’s what you get for being dumb.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as pace, pedestrian, sidewalk, stop, stopping, suddenly stopping while walking, walk, walking

February 2, 2015 · 3:34 pm

Hatfields & McCoys

Hatfields & McCoys is a 2012 History Channel three-episode miniseries about the legendary feud between the two families. It has a pretty solid cast, starring Kevin Costner as “Devil Anse” Hatfield and Bill Paxton as Randall McCoy, and featuring Tom Berenger, Powers Boothe, Jena Malone, and many other recognizable faces. It was directed by Kevin Reynolds, who is perhaps best known for directing the Kevin Costner classics Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Waterworld.

The Hatfield-McCoy feud was a nasty and ongoing rivalry between two families that raged for years. It started over the murder of a McCoy, it escalated with accusations of pig stealing, and it resulted in a number of fights, battles, legal trials, and deaths over the course of a few years. These were the days of pride and honor, and you were expected to fight if someone insulted your good name. This miniseries goes over most of the events that escalated the feud. You see why they started fighting and why they never stopped. It’s a story that can’t be confined to a two-hour running time.

It’s pretty solid for the most part. It has a tendency to slow down and lose momentum from time to time, but there is enough action and snappy dialog to keep things flowing. I think they spent a bit too much time on the love triangle between Johnse Hatfield, Roseanna McCoy, and Nancy McCoy. It seemed like they threw it in there to pad out the running time. Surprisingly, Kevin Costner doesn’t have the worst accent in the production. Bill Paxton’s Southern drawl is terrible, but it becomes a lot more bearable if you put it on mute.

I didn’t watch it when it first came aired on the History Channel. I only saw it for the first time a week ago on Netflix. It was good. I liked it enough to write about it. Check it out if you like Kevin Costner, Bill Paxton, docudramas, or lengthy feuds between families that aren’t yours.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as bill paxton, Devil Anse, docudrama, feud, Hatfield, Hatfield-McCoy, Hatfields & McCoys, history channel, jena malone, kevin costner, Kevin Reynolds, McCoy, miniseries, Powers Boothe, Randall McCoy, Tom Berenger

January 30, 2015 · 8:41 pm

Is It Baseball Season Yet?

We are in the midst of an epidemic right now. We are smack dab in the middle of baseball’s offseason. Spring training is only a few weeks away and we are all eagerly awaiting. There isn’t much going on right now. Football is practically over. You can either root for the Patriots or the Seahawks. That’s boring. Basketball just reached its halfway point. Kobe is injured and Michael Jordan retired a long time ago. Hockey is… well, I don’t pay attention to the NHL so I’ll just assume it’s still there not being relevant. That leaves baseball, or the lack there of. Right now there are countless Americans meeting at bars and water coolers across the country asking each other “Is it baseball season yet?” It will be soon. And I can’t wait.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as baseball, baseball season, is it baseball season yet?, mlb

January 29, 2015 · 2:03 pm

Slice of Gum

I had a friend in high school who would ask me for a slice of gum almost every single day. Not a stick of gum. A slice of gum. That’s what he called it. He knew what he was doing because he would also ask for a slice of paper during class. He liked to call things slices I guess. And he really liked asking for stuff too. Anyway, slice of gum sounds better. I think that’s what it should be called. He was really onto something there. Anyone can have a stick of gum or a piece of gum. I want a slice. A slice of gum would really hit the spot.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as gum, piece of gum, slice of gum, stick of gum

January 29, 2015 · 2:02 pm

Bloody Mary

A Bloody Mary is a popular cocktail. It’s vodka with tomato juice and spices and other flavors. It typically includes salt, pepper, lemon or lime juice, Worcestershire, and some sort of hot sauce like Tabasco or Red Hot. It’s often elaborately garnished with a lime wedge, olives, celery, maybe a pickle or onion, and it’s increasingly common to serve it with bacon, beef jerky, or some other smoked/salted hunk of meat. It’s one of those drinks that you grow to love. You probably don’t like your first sip of a Bloody Mary, but the taste grows on you. It cures hangovers and helps start new ones. A good Bloody Mary always starts with a good Bloody Mary mix. You don’t want anything that comes readymade from a bottle. You want to make it fresh. A good bartender takes pride in their cocktails and a Bloody Mary is one of the most complex drinks you can order. If it’s good, the bartender is too. As Vanilla Ice once said, “anything less than the best is a felony.”

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as bartender, bloody mary, bloody mary mix, cocktail, drink, garnished, spicy, tomato juice, vodka

January 28, 2015 · 8:38 pm

When You Think You Clicked a Link But You Didn’t

I hate when you think you clicked a link but you didn’t. You’ll be on Facebook and see an interesting link that somebody shared. You click it and wait for it to load. After a couple of seconds you’ll start to realize that something is wrong and nothing is happening. You’ll wait a few more seconds because you don’t want to be impatient. Then it starts to dawn on you that you never double-clicked. You didn’t access the link. You’re waiting for nothing because you didn’t do anything. All you can do is pretend like it didn’t happen and re-click the link. You might want to click it a few times just to be sure. The worst part is that the article is never worth reading. You wasted all that time waiting for it to load for nothing. You’re a few minutes closer to death and you have nothing to show for it. Especially if you were waiting for this article to load. Good job.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as article, click, clicked, link, load, loading, post, share, when you think you clicked a link but you didn't

January 28, 2015 · 8:37 pm

Three Years

Three years is a long time. That’s most of high school. It’s nothing to scoff at. Today is the three-year anniversary of CriticallyRated.com. I’ve been blogging for three years now. That’s a lot of movies, television shows, books, and random rants to write about and judge. And I’m still going strong. The world gives me a million things to write about everyday. I only write about one or two. There are still billions of more things for me to experience, write about, criticize, and rate. The world is my oyster. This blog is my pearl. It’s where all the things I deal about day to day can be organized, sorted, and categorized. A lot of things in my life have changed over the past three years. I’m glad that CriticallyRated.com is still something that we can all depend on. Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing, and thanks for being so awesome. You’re all beautiful people and I really like your shirt. It matches your eyes.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as anniversary, articles, blog, blogging, critically rated, criticallyrated.com, three years

January 27, 2015 · 11:36 pm

Saran Wrap Over the Toilet

April Fool’s Day is rapidly approaching. I know it’s not the end of January yet. I know we still have all of February and all of March. That doesn’t mean that we should neglect our duty to prank everyone and anyone we can. One of the simplest and most timeless pranks is to put Saran Wrap over the toilet. Your victim will use the toilet to either take a piss or take a shit. The Saran Wrap will keep their excrement from being easily flushable. They will do their business and see that it doesn’t go anywhere. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It is. Try it today and see for yourself.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as april fools day, joke, prank, saran wrap over the toilet

January 26, 2015 · 12:47 pm

The Interview

The Interview is a 2014 comedy about two American journalists being tasked with assassinating Kim Jong-un. It would have been a typical stoner flick but North Korea heard about it, got all butt hurt, and hacked Sony in retaliation. They prevented the film from getting a wide release in theaters, but they failed spectacularly because of all the free publicity they generated for the film. It was quite a successful marketing ploy; it guaranteed that this movie will forever be remembered for all the hoopla it caused.

The film was written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, and Dan Sterling. It was directed by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. It stars Seth Rogen and James Franco. Seth Rogen is pretty talented in case you haven’t figured it out yet. Rogen plays Aaron Rapoport, the producer of an entertainment news show called Skylark Tonight. Franco plays Dave Skylark, the pompous host of Skylark Tonight. Randall Park plays Kim Jong-un, the crazy dictator of North Korea and a huge fan of Skylark Tonight. He’s such a fan that he wants to be on the show and arranges for Aaron and Dave to come out to North Korea to interview him. The CIA hears about the interview and they enlist Aaron and Dave to assassinate him.

It’s a political comedy filled with bathroom humor. One second you’re laughing at propaganda, the next second you’re laughing at fart jokes. It’s reminiscent of Team America: World Police but the humor is a little more down to earth. Team America’s cruel dictator was an obvious stereotype. He was shorter than all the other puppets, he had a ridiculous accent, and was clearly the embodiment of evil. The Interview’s dictator was more realistic. Randall Park plays him as shy and insecure. He want’s Dave Skylark’s approval because he looks up to him. He has daddy issues and all he wants is to be respected. That’s why it’s a bit more startling when his crazy side comes out.

It’s not a great movie. This Is the End and Pineapple Express are both better than The Interview, but The Interview feels more like a complete film. Rogen is starting to mature and a writer, director, and actor and his films are starting to tackle more social and political issues. They still retain humor and heart, but he’s becoming more worldly and it shows. The film was just released on Netflix; I suggest that you watch it. It won’t change your life, but it will make you laugh and that’s what every comedy should do.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as Aaron Rapoport, comedy, Dan Sterling, Dave Skylark, Evan Goldberg, james franco, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, Randall Park, seth rogen, Skylark Tonight, stoner flick, The Interview

January 26, 2015 · 12:45 pm

Snow is Special

Snow is special. Every nation on the planet has sunshine and rain, but not everybody gets to experience snow. It’s not a big deal if you grew up with blizzards every winter, but snow becomes an event if you didn’t. You remember the first time you saw snow on a road trip. You made the driver pull over so you could run to the side of the road and pack a brown, muddy snowball to throw at your sister. You remember the first time you looked up at the sky and saw snowflakes falling slowly to the ground. You remember the first time you went sledding, or skiing, or snowboarding. Snow is a burden to people that have to deal with it for months at a time. It’s a miracle if you only see it a few times in your lifetime. Snow is special. So are you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as blizzard, snow, snow is special, snowflakes, snowing

January 25, 2015 · 6:24 pm

Listening to People Having Sex

Sex is a beautiful thing, a natural part of life. Listening to people having sex is a part of life too, albeit a shitty part of life. You hear groans and grunts, moans and creaking, skin slapping, and heavy panting, and you hope that you don’t sound like that but you know that you do. The worst thing about listening to people having sex is that you’re not getting any. You try your best to ignore it but it’s a futile exercise. You’re going to hear it and it’s going to be slightly awkward when you see them the next day. But we all went to college, and I’m sure we’ve all fooled around when there were other people in the room. It’s kind of funny that we don’t appreciate listening to people having sex but we have no problem with other people hearing us having sex. You want people to know that you’re having sex. One of the perks of getting laid is getting other people jealous that you’re getting laid.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as awkward, hear, laid, listen, listening, listening to people having sex, sex

January 22, 2015 · 6:03 pm

Red Pen

Think back to the worst test you ever took in high school. Remember how the teacher handed it back to you folded up so nobody else could see how badly you did. Remember the blow to your gut when you opened it up and saw nothing but red circles and red scribbles all over it, and a big fat red F at the top. Red ink hurts. It has power. And I will use it to my advantage. I think I will invest in a red pen or permanent marker and start editing all the things that bug me. I’m a Grammar Nazi, what can I say? It’s hereditary. My mom’s an English teacher and she instilled a large amount of respect for the language in me. I get annoyed when I see typos and grammatical mishaps. I feel compelled to correct them. It sucks having other people’s stupidity triggering my OCD, but I think a red pen would help relieve my stress.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as correct, edit, english, grammar nazi, mistakes, red ink, red pen

January 22, 2015 · 6:02 pm

Wine Key

A wine key is a corkscrew used to open wine. It is sometimes called a waiter’s friend or a sommelier knife. It’s similar in design to a pocketknife and feature a folding corkscrew and a small blade for cutting the foil around the top of the bottle. There are better corkscrews out there, but wine keys are the most practical, transportable, and handy. Any decent waiter, bartender, Frenchman, or alcoholic has one. Everybody should have one really, especially if you drink wine. You don’t want to be stuck drinking Franzia forever.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as bottle, cork, corkscrew, sommelier knife, waiter's friend, wine, wine key

January 21, 2015 · 12:56 pm

Someone with a Famous Name

I know George Romero. Correction, I know a George Romero. He didn’t direct all those zombie flicks, he just happens to be named George Romero. Everyone knows someone with a famous name. I’m sure you have a friend with the same moniker as a celebrity. You should take advantage of it. Try namedropping and you’ll see how much easier it is to get reservations at a restaurant or to get a table at the club. Feign ignorance if the managers or security gives you shit for it. I said “Zack Efron,” not “Zac Efron.” I can see how you’d be confused, but it’s not my fault my name got famous. It’s still your table even if you duped them into it. Don’t feel too bad.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For, Random Rants

Tagged as celebrity, famous, George Romero, name, someone with a famous name