criticallyrated | Critically rated rants and reviews | Page 16

January 27, 2016 · 4:24 pm

Lounging Under a Tree

Call me a hippie, but I like nature. I like being outside. One of my favorite things to do on days off is hanging out in Golden Gate Park with a couple of friends and a couple of brews. We will post up under a tree, throw a blanket on the ground, put on some music, and hang out until we feel like moving on. I’ll lie on my back and watch the sunlight filter through the leaves and the clouds move across the sky. I’ll track leaves as they fall from the branch and gently float towards the grass. I’ll sit up every once in a while to sip my beer without it dribbling down my chin. I’m not opposed to puffing the green stuff either. It makes lounging under a tree even more chill. You’re missing out if you’ve never hung out under a tree. It’s one of the easiest things to cross off your bucket list. All you have to is find a tree and hang out under it. If you can’t find satisfaction in that, you’re not a person I want to know.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as branch, golden gate park, leaves, lounging under a tree, nature, park, relax, tree

January 26, 2016 · 8:55 pm

Live Photos

So I recently upgraded to the iPhone 6s from an iPhone 4 and I’m still finding out some of the amazing things my phone can do. One of the coolest features on the new iPhone is Live Photos. Each picture is like a little movie. When you take a picture, it also records the moments before and after you took it. When you press down on the photo, it comes to life. It’s fricking rad, like some Harry Potter shit. It’s magic. You’ll see you and your friend settling into the perfect pose for a selfie. You’ll see dogs wagging their tails and running around. You’ll see babies laughing and drunk friends stumbling. You’ll see waterfalls falling and waves crashing and birds moving across the sky. There’s sound and everything. It’s like you’re right back there experiencing it again. Technology. It blows my mind sometimes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as iPhone 6s, Live Photos, photo, picture, technology

January 25, 2016 · 1:25 pm

Secret Talent

It’s funny how you can know a person for years and think you know everything about them. And then one day they reveal a secret talent that you never knew they had. It’s kind of like finding out that you were friends with a superhero the whole time. A lot of people have a talent or skill that they don’t really talk about. Maybe they are modest, maybe they are a little embarrassed about it, maybe they chose a career instead of chasing a dream, but I feel like most people have a secret talent. I have one friend who doesn’t have a car, but he can take an engine apart and put it back together again. I had no idea he was such an accomplished mechanic. Every now and then I discover that a friend is good at drawing, or painting, or writing poetry, or photography, or has a knack for playing an instrument. It always boggles my mind. If you have talent, you should flaunt it. It shouldn’t be a secret. You should be proud of what you can do. Just don’t be an asshole about it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as secret, secret talent, skill, talent

January 24, 2016 · 4:39 pm

Breakthrough Conversation

I went to the bar after work the other day with the sole purpose of killing time to avoid the commute home during rush hour. I walked in and saw one of my coworkers. I’ve known him for a few years but he works in a different department and we’ve only talked about work stuff, weather, movies, and local sports teams. That was probably the first time that I had even seen him out of work. It’s better to drink with somebody than to drink alone, so I pulled up a stool next to him and sat down. We started talking about work stuff, but the conversation eventually turned into a real one.

We talked about our lives. Where we grew up, where we went to school, where we lived before moving to the city. We talked about our childhoods, our families, and what we thought about the world. It was a breakthrough conversation, the kind of talk where a stranger becomes a friend. It’s always cool to get to know someone better. It’s weird, it’s almost like humans need social interaction or something.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as breakthrough conversation, conversation, coworker, friend, stranger, talk

January 21, 2016 · 3:02 pm

Walking Stick

I went on a nine-mile hike with some friends the other day. The trail was relatively easy for the most part, but there were a few difficult parts and it rained the night before so there was a lot of mud. The situation called for a walking stick and nature was happy to provide me with one. I found one on the side of the trail. A walking stick is what it sounds like. It’s a stick for walking. Canes are for old people and the disabled. Walking sticks are for hikers and wizards.

Walking sticks can be used in a variety of ways. They make steep hills easier to climb or descend. They can clear the trail of bushes, debris, spider webs, and tree branches that are blocking the way. They offer a balancing point for crossing small streams or large puddles. They have traction in slippery conditions. And you can use them to fend off attacking animals or disgruntled hikers.

Some people buy walking sticks. That’s good if you go hiking a lot and want other people to know how awesomely outdoorsy you are. I prefer finding a walking stick somewhere along the trail and leaving it on the trailhead for future hikers to enjoy. It seems more neighborly. Walking through nature is fun. It’s better with a giant stick.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as hike, hiking, nature, pole, stick, trail, walk, walking stick

January 19, 2016 · 8:34 pm

Calendar

A calendar is an organizing system to keep track of days. It’s sort of like a roadmap for time. It helps to keep track of days, weeks, months, and years. It allows you to plan things better. Call me old-fashioned, but I have a calendar on the wall. I don’t use the organizer app on my phone. I physically write out my schedule on the wall with a real pen. The goal is to have something written down on each day. If your calendar is full, your life is full. That’s a good philosophy and it’s worked for me so far.

I have the traditional wall calendar that only displays one month at a time. It begins with January and goes all the way to December with a different picture for each month. It’s pretty exciting to flip the page and see the new picture. And if you think that’s exciting, you’ll really love off-the-wall calendars. Those are calendars that go by individual days instead of months. So you’ll get excited three hundred and sixty-five times each year as opposed to only twelve times. Some off-the-wall calendars take advantage of this, specifically the Word of the Day Calendar (which improves your vocabulary drastically/significantly/immensely one day at a time) and the Far Side Off-The-Wall Calendar (which delivers absurd humor daily). Off-the-wall calendars can improve your life if you let them into it.

I don’t have anything else to say about calendars. I think I’ll end the post right around here. Maybe I’ll say one more thing to pad it out. Maybe I won’t. I haven’t decided yet. I think I should. I mean, this paragraph isn’t even about calendars right now. I should have stopped typing already. But I keep on going for some reason. And you keep on reading. Sucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as calendar, day, days, months, off-the-wall calendar, time, weeks, word of the day, years

January 18, 2016 · 7:16 pm

Retox

My friend came over the other day to hang out for a few hours. Being the good host that I am, I offered her a beer. She said no and I asked her why. She said it was because she was doing a detox. I was totally supportive of her decision but I still cracked a beer open for myself. Some people choose to detox. Good for them. I choose to retox. It’s more fun. I retox almost every night. It’s what happens when you work in the restaurant industry. You work hard and play harder. Plus there are days when customers bring you down and crush your spirit. A little booze does a lot to revitalize oneself. If you do retox, retox responsibly. Use coasters and try not to spill anything. That’s alcohol abuse.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as alcohol, beer, booze, detox, drink, retox

January 13, 2016 · 5:30 pm

New Phone

I’ve been using the same iPhone 4 since late October of 2010. I’ve had that phone with me every single day of my life for more five years straight. I woke up today and decided to change that. I had the day off so I went downtown to the Apple Store, I walked in, went up to the first employee I saw available, and told him I wanted a Space Gray 64GB iPhone 6s. Flash-forward forty-five minutes and I was walking out the door with a brand new iPhone complete with an Otterbox case for protection. I’ve spent the last few hours syncing it up to my computer and transferring music, photos, movies, and apps while simultaneously doing laundry. It’s a very exciting and productive time to be me right now. It’s 2016. New year, new phone. I’m pretty stoke that I haven’t dropped it yet.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as 64GB, apple, Apple Store, iphone, iPhone 6s, new phone, space gray

January 12, 2016 · 7:19 pm

Netflix Music

Yo, Netflix! Where the music at? You have a bunch of movies, documentaries, television shows, and original content. You even have your own version of the Yule Log and New Year’s Eve Countdowns. I think that it’s time you step your game up and start streaming music videos or concert footage. You guys changed the way the world watches TV. It wouldn’t be much too hard for you to change the way we experience music. You could have your own concert series. Hell, you could have your own record label if you wanted to. I think you should. I think it’s a great idea. I’m happy to take credit for it. Just make a check out to me when you guys get on board. Oh, and you’re welcome.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as concert, concert footage, music, music videos, netflix, record label

January 10, 2016 · 3:41 pm

Copasetic

Copacetic is a great word. I think people should use it more. It has a great sound. Say it. Say copacetic. Say it slowly. Co-pa-set-ic. See how nicely it rolls out your mouth? Isn’t that fun? I could say copacetic all day. Not only does it sound good, it has a positive definition. If something is copacetic, it means that it’s completely satisfactory. For instance, copacetic is a copacetic word. It means that everything is good, that you’re perfectly content with it. You want things to be copasetic. Life is a lot harder to deal with when things are going uncopacetically. My spellcheck says that uncopacetically isn’t a real word, but I don’t care. I’m going to make it one. I’m sure it will catch on if I say it enough.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 9, 2016 · 8:21 pm

Fake Cracked Screen iPhone Case

I think that I’m going to invest in a fake cracked screen iPhone case. It would be a case to protect your iPhone. The front of the case would make your screen appear like it is cracked. That would help to deter thieves. Thieves don’t like cracked iPhones. There’s little resale value to them. I Googled “fake cracked iPhone case” and only saw a few products that are similar. There’s one fake cracked case that makes the back of the phone look shattered. That’s not good enough. I want the screen to look cracked. There are also a couple of fake cracked screen stickers, but stickers don’t do much to protect your phone. So can somebody please make me a fake cracked screen iPhone case? I know that I’ll never get around to it. It’s up to you to make it happen.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as crack, cracked, fake cracked screen iPhone case, iphone, iPhone case, screen, shattered

January 8, 2016 · 5:56 pm

Half-Day

It was slow at work today so I asked to go home early. I don’t like working when there’s nothing to do. My manager had too many people scheduled and was more than happy to cut me from the floor. I clocked out by 1:00 pm instead of 5:30 pm like I was supposed to. I was stoked. I celebrated by getting a burrito. It tasted like freedom. I love half-days. There’s nothing quite like them. Remember how much fun half-days were in high school? You had to sludge through a few classes for a few hours and then it was time for shenanigans. College was all half-days and my liver still hates me for going to a party school.

Half-days are like Fridays. You have to work a little but then you get to play. Unplanned half-days are even better. It’s like the universe wants you to be happy. You can’t take them for granted. You have to do something special to celebrate. You don’t have to get a burrito like I did, but you gotta do something. Half-days don’t happen all the time. Take advantage when they do.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 7, 2016 · 1:57 pm

Lotto Fever

The Powerball jackpot is currently at a record $700,000,000. Let that sink in. Seven hundred million dollars. Even Bill Gates thinks that’s a nice chunk of change. A jackpot that high causes a national pandemic. They call it lotto fever and it’s quite contagious. Even people who don’t normally play the lotto are buying tickets or pooling money with friends or coworkers. How can you not? A couple of bucks could yield you millions more in return. It probably won’t, but somebody’s got to win. And you can’t win if you don’t play. Believe me, I’ve tried. So you might as well buy a ticket. I already bought ten dollars worth of tickets and I’ll probably buy more. Tickets are the only remedy for lotto fever. Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as jackpot, lottery, lotto, lotto fever, numbers, powerball, ticket

January 5, 2016 · 8:35 pm

Sour Gummies in the Freezer

I bought a packet of sour gummy worms today. I put them in the freezer. Why? Because they taste better cold. Everybody knows that putting chocolate bars in the freezer is a good idea. Fewer people are aware that putting sour gummies in the freezer is another way to satisfy the fat kid that lives inside of you. I suppose you could substitute regular gummies, but sour gummies are so much better. They have way more sugar. So the next time you have sour gummies and access to a freezer, I suggest you put those sour gummies in the freezer for a few hours and see how right I am. I didn’t invent storing sour gummies in the freezer, I’m simply a fan of the practice and want to spread the word.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as candy, freezer, gummies, gummy, sour gummies, sour gummies in the freezer

January 4, 2016 · 7:17 pm

Dog Sitting

Dog sitting is when you take care of someone else’s dog for an extended period of time. You feed it, you give it water, you take it for walks, you pick up its shit when it shits. I’m writing about dog sitting because I’m currently dog sitting for my sister while she’s out of town. She has a Boston Terrier. He’s a few years old but still thinks he’s a puppy. He won’t stop playing. He likes to play fetch. He used to be pretty good at it but he’s getting older and has a cataract forming on one eye so his coordination isn’t quite there anymore. He still plays fetch like a canine with OCD. His favorite thing to fetch is an orange rubber ball and I can’t watch TV without having to throw it for him. The ball gets all slimy from his saliva and then it picks up loose hair so it doesn’t take long for me to be touching a moist hairball every thirty seconds. Every now and then the ball will get stuck under a cabinet or couch and he will start to whine and cry until I find it and get it out for him. If I try to eat or use my iPad he will start to whine and cry until I play with him again. This simple blog post took twice as long to write as it normally does because I have to stop what I’m doing every few words to appease the little brat. He’s lucky that he’s a cute motherfucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as boston terrier, dog, dog sitting, dogsitting

January 3, 2016 · 2:26 pm

Eating Popcorn With Your Tongue

As a kid I had the habit of grabbing a handful of popcorn and using my tongue to snag each morsel like I was a giant lizard. It was the best way to eat popcorn. My hands formed a big bowl and I could eat individual kernels instead of simply stuffing my face. It was a practical solution to a popcorn problem that only a child could have come up with. I applaud everyone else who also discovered lizard licking their popcorn. Eating popcorn with your tongue is easy. Get a handful of popcorn and shoot your tongue out at the popcorn. Your tongue will hit a kernel and stick to it slightly. As soon as your tongue makes contact, retract your tongue. The kernel should end up in your mouth if you did everything correctly. Eat the kernel and repeat the process. Don’t drool. That won’t impress anyone.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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