Actors in Multiple Movie Franchises

Some movies make a lot of money. And people like money, so they decide to make a sequel to make even more money. And if that sequel makes money they might make a third movie. And three movies in the same series makes a trilogy, and (for the purposes of this article) a trilogy is a film franchise. So if an actor appears in three or more movies in the same franchise and three or more movies in another franchise, then they will appear on this list. Unless I forgot about them. Sorry forgotten celebrity.

Harrison Ford starred in the original Star Wars trilogy and the Indiana Jones trilogy (and that shitty fourth movie that I try to forget about). He’s also rumored to come back in the new Star Wars movies.

Tim Allen starred in the Toy Story trilogy and the Santa Clause movies.

Michael J. Fox went Back to the Future three times and voiced Stuart Little three times.

Matt Damon was Jason Bourne three times and was in Ocean’s Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen.

Eddie Murphy was Donkey in four Shrek movies and Axel Foley three times as a Beverly Hills Cop. Mike Myers was Shrek in the Shrek flicks and Austin Powers and Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies.

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Orlando Bloom was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and he’s reprising his role in The Hobbit movie. He was also in the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies too.

Sir Ian McKellen has saved the world as Gandalf in three Lord of the Rings movies and will do so again in The Hobbit trilogy. He’s also threatened the world three times as Magneto in the X-Men franchise.

Patrick Stewart played Captain Jean-Luc Picard four times on the big screen and played Charles Xavier in three X-Men movies with a cameo in the Wolverine movie.

Crazy anti-Semite Mel Gibson has been in four Lethal Weapon Movies and was Mad Max three times. You know he hates Jews right?

Warwick Davis was in six Leprechaun movies (about half were direct-to-video) and was also in all eight Harry Potter Movies playing duel roles as Professor Flitwick and Griphook.

Sylvester Stallone was Rambo four times and Rocky Balboa six times. I have a feeling he might be Expendable three times too.

Vin Diesel sucks a lot of balls, but he’s been in four Fast and/or Furious movies (one of them was just a cameo), and he will play Riddick again in 2013. I’m sure that there are at least four people who will pay to see that shit.

Ben Stiller has played Gaylord Focker in three movies and loaned his voice to three Madagascar movies.

Gary Oldman played Sirius Black in Harry Potter 3, 4, 5 and 7.5 and has been James Gordon three times in Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy.

Bruce Campbell has played Ash in the Evil Dead movies and had cameos in all of Sam Raimi’s Spider-man movies. That might be a stretch, but it still counts.

Antonio Banderas has been Puss in Boots in three Shrek movies and one spinoff and was in four Spy Kids movies (his scene was cut in the fourth one. Yes, there are four Spy Kids movies). He was played El Mariachi in two out of the three El Mariachi movies, so he doesn’t get any points for that.

John Cho has hung out with Kumar three times as Harold, and he was in American Pie, American Pie 2, American Wedding, and American Reunion. Cameos count. Right, Bruce Campbell?

Samuel L. Jackson was Mace Windu in Star Wars Episode I-III. He also played Nick Fury in Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers, which are all part of the same universe, so he gets included.

Jackie Chan has three franchises under his belt. Three Rush Hour movies, four Police Story movies, and he’s loaned his voice to two Kung Fu Panda movies with a third coming out in 2013.

Christopher Lee played Fu Manchu three times, he was Dracula in a bunch of movies. He was Count Dooku in Episodes II and III and the animated Clone Wars movie. He was in Lord of the Rings too.

Hugo Weaving has also been in three franchises. He threatened Neo three times as Agent Smith in the Matrix trilogy. He loaned his voice to Megatron in the Transfomers movies. And he was Elrond in the Lord of the Rings movie and will reprise his role again in one of the upcoming Hobbit movies.

So that’s my list. I think it’s pretty complete. If you see anyone that I’m missing leave a comment. And I’ll either correct you or add it to my list. I don’t know how to rate this so I will just settle for something like this:

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Almost Dropping Your Phone in the Toilet

You have an iPhone. Or a spiffy new Droid. Either way, you have a brand new smart phone and you are proud of it. Getting a cool new phone is a part of life. So is going to the bathroom. And sometimes you are casually looking at your phone while you’re taking a piss, and your grip slips and your phone almost slides out of your hand before your catlike and spastic reflexes kick in and snatch it before it plunks into the toilet bowl. Nothing is more frightening than seeing your iPhone’s life flashing before your eyes as it falls towards the urinated abyss at 9.8 m/s2. I don’t believe in the metric system, I just want to stress my point. Saving your phone from a toilet bath makes you feel alive. Your phone got a second chance that it never asked for, and the best way to celebrate is to update your Facebook status and share it with the world.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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District 9

Neill Blomkamp’s District 9 is the best South African sci-fi film ever made, I’m pretty sure of that. In March of 1982, a huge alien spaceship arrives over Johannesburg. It’s filled with a bunch of sick and dying aliens, and they are forcibly relocated them into District 9, a government camp where they can live in squalor and poverty. A guy named Wikus is tasked with relocating the aliens to a new camp, but things hit a snag when he gets infected by a mysterious fluid and starts mutating into an alien

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The aliens of District 9 are humanoid insect looking things called prawns. They have their own language, but can understand English. They have a thing for cat food. The South African government hired a private military company called Multinational United to remove the aliens from District 9 into a new ghetto called District 10. Wikus van de Merwe (Sharlto Copely) works at MNU, and while he’s in the middle of serving up eviction notices in District 9 he gets sprayed by a weird black fluid. Before long his hand and arm start mutating, becoming prawnlike.

MNU finds out, and they start experimenting on him. His newfound prawn DNA makes him the only human who can use alien weaponry. Wikus escapes from MNU and goes back to District 9 to find a cure.

He returns to the house where he got sprayed. It’s owned by a prawn named Christopher Johnson and his young prawn son. Christopher tells him that the fluid is spaceship fuel, and the prawns need it to go home, but it will also revert Wikus back to human form. Wikus and Christopher launch an attack on MNU headquarters, grab the fuel and try to reactivate the spaceship.

In the climatic battle, Wikus and Christopher are getting shot at by MNU soldiers and Nigerian gangsters. The best way to end a movie about alien racism is to have a shootout. It’s logical, it’s practical, it’s the only reasonable way to end the movie.

District 9 has a lot of political undertones. It’s a commentary on racism and bigotry. Wikus is an asshole in the beginning. He sees the prawns as inferior. He just assumes that he is better than they are. As he starts to become less human, he becomes more humane. He starts to care about the prawns, and at the end he sacrifices himself for them.

This is a cool movie. There are no big name actors. It’s shot like a documentary, with lots of interviews, hand-held shots, and pseudo-found footage. The CG prawns look realistic and the action scenes are pretty intense. It was originally a short film called Alive in Joburg, and it was expanded into the flick that it became.

District 9 proved that you can make a successful sci-fi movie without any stars, an established director, or a huge budget. All you need is a cool concept and an explosive over the top ending where people blow up and splatter blood everywhere. It’s a good movie with a mediocre ending. But it has a great concept and that’s what makes the movie worth watching.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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The Biggest French Fry

You are hungry and broke. Only a few places will accept five bucks and give you a meal in return. McDonald’s is one of those places. You order a value meal, which comes with a drink, a burger/sandwich, and French fries. The burger/sandwich is mediocre and the soda is flat and pathetic. But the fries are usually always decent. And there is always one big French fry. It stands out. The one big fry that came from a mutant potato that’s bigger than your head. It is a sign of freedom, of being an American and feeling like you are entitled to the world. I hope everyone can experience the biggest French fry.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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X-Men (film)

Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects) directs the big screen adaptation of the X-Men. In the not too distant future, mutants with superpowers have been popping up more and more. People fear what they don’t understand, and people fear mutants, causing US Senator Robert Kelly to attempt to pass the Mutant Registration Act. Magneto’s Brotherhood of Mutants decides to wage war on mankind, and nothing can stop him… Except for Charles Xavier’s X-Men.

The movie begins with a young Eric Lehnsherr being separated from his parents in a concentration camp. He tries to get back to his parents, but the guards won’t let him. Desperately he reaches for them, and the gates start to bend and twist towards him, until the guards knock him out. This is a real quick scene and it’s a great introduction to the world of the X-Men. Right off the bat, you know that this world is both real and familiar, but also fantastic and different. You’re introduced to a mutant using his powers right away, and it also establishes Eric Lehnsherr a.k.a. Magneto as a sympathetic villain. No matter how diabolical he gets, you understand his reasons perfectly.

Senator Robert Kelly (Bruce Davison) is advocating the Mutant Registration Act, which would force mutants to identify themselves. Magneto (Ian McKellen) doesn’t want to go along with this, and he’s going to do something about it. His Brotherhood of Mutants wage war on humanity. The Brotherhood consists of the shape shifter Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), Toad (Ray Park), and Sabretooth (Tyler Mane).

Magneto’s old friend Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) leads the X-Men, another team of mutants who are determined to stop the Brotherhood. The X-Men members are the telepathic/telekinetic Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), the cycloptic Cyclops (James Marsden), and the weather-controlling Storm (Halle Berry).

Meanwhile, a young mutant named Marie a.k.a. Rogue (Anna Paquin) accidently almost kills her boyfriend just by touching him and runs away. She meets a hairy, angry cage fighter named Wolverine and decides to get in the car with him. Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and Rogue get attacked by Sabretooth and get rescued by Cyclops and Storm and they take them to the X Mansion. They chill there for a while, and they learn about how good Xavier is, and how misguided Magneto is. There’s bonding moments and character developing and a mutant montage.

Magneto is moving along with his plan, and he kidnaps Senator Kelly and turns him into a mutant. And he reveals his plan to turn a bunch of diplomats and world leaders into mutants at some summit for something. But Senator Kelly escapes and goes to the X-Men for help. He dies from complication of being turned into a mutant, but Magneto doesn’t know that, so he doesn’t know that he would just kill everyone if he goes through with his plan.

The next step in Magneto’s plan is kidnapping Rogue. Magneto will use Rogue to power the mutant conversion machine, the stress of which will kill her. So the X-Men have to step up and save Rogue and stop Magneto from killing diplomats and world leaders at that summit thing. And I don’t want to spoil the ending, but they do.

It has a pretty decent cast. It was Hugh Jackman’s breakout role. Patrick Stewart is perfect for Xavier. Ian McKellen is formidable as Magneto. Rebecca Romijn was a sexy blue chick way before Avatar. Halle Berry looks pretty but her Storm sucked in this one, she didn’t do anything. She had a stupid accent too.

This is a good flick. Not only did it launch the X-Men movie franchise, but it gave Hollywood the green light to start churning out comic book movies. I know they changed a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. But the movies are their own thing. They acknowledge the comics. They make references to them. There are some differences with characters between the film version and the comic version. But that is ok. Bryan Singer made an awesome movie. It’s fun. It’s rewatchable. It’s a summer blockbuster popcorn movie.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Blowing Your Nose and Looking at It

You’re feeling a little sick and slightly stuffy. Your nose might be running too. You grab a Kleenex and blow your nose. And you look at it. You don’t really care what it looks like, but you always take a quick glance. It’s instinct, it’s habitual. It’s your snot. You know what it looks like. But you can’t help it…  blowing your nose and looking at it, everyone does it, and no one knows why.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Hook

What if Peter Pan grew up? According to Steven Spielberg, he would become Americanized and look like Robin Williams. Hook tells the story of a grown up Peter Pan, who must return to Neverland to save his kids from the evil Captain Hook. Robin Williams plays Peter Banning, an American lawyer who finds out he is Peter Pan, and Dustin Hoffman plays Captain Hook, the Sleaziest Sleaze of the Seven Seas.

Peter Banning (Robin Williams) is a father and a lawyer, who would rather spend his time lawyering than being with his kids. His wife Moira (Caroline Goodall) worries that Peter isn’t spending enough time with his kids Jack and Maggie (Charlie Korsmo and Amber Scott). Peter misses Jack’s baseball games and is too busy working to notice his kids. The Banning family goes on vacation to visit their Granny Wendy (Maggie Smith). Wendy claims to be the Wendy from J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan.

While Peter, Wendy, and Moira are out one night, the kids get kidnapped. The only clue to their abductor is a note signed by a James Hook. Granny Wendy tells Peter that he is Peter Pan, and that only he can save Jack and Maggie. He has a hard time believing her until Tinker Bell (Julia Roberts) shows up and takes him back to Neverland.

Peter finds himself in the midst of a bunch of pirates, including Smee (Bob Hoskins) and the notorious Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman). Hook offers Peter his kids in exchange for a war. Peter has three days to find his inner Pan and fight Captain Hook.

Peter finds his old allies, the Lost Boys. They don’t recognize the old geezer in front of them as their former leader, until Pockets pulls back his wrinkles and finds his long lost friend in the folds. Not all the Lost Boys are convinced that Peter Banning is Peter, most notably Rufio (Dante Basco).

As Peter struggles to discover his inner child, Captain Hook decides to brainwash Jack and Maggie into loving him. Maggie is hard to convince, but Jack already had a strained relationship with his father, so he starts to turn to Hook’s side.

Peter eventually remembers who he is, and what he can do. He finds his happy thought, and he is Peter Pan again. He and the Lost Boys launch an attack on Hook and his pirates, freeing Jack and Maggie. But this is an exciting Hollywood climax, so people die. Like Rufio. Peter and Hook have an exciting duel, culminating in Hook getting devoured by a crocodile clock. Neverland’s a bitch sometimes.

Peter Pan wins, defeats Hook, and frees his kids. And then he goes home. He did what he had to do, and he can’t stay and have fun anymore because reality is waiting. It seems like kind of a bummer way to end a fantasy about childhood immortality, but who am I to judge?

This is probably my definitive childhood movie. I saw this movie when I was six years old in the theaters. I know every single line, every single moment. I grew up on this movie. I could watch it every day and not get tired of it. It’s almost like a part of me. It impacted me, especially lines like not wanting to grow up “because everyone who grows up has to die someday.”

I’ve seen this movie a lot. And I noticed that when the dog is barking and Toodles starts saying Hook (right before the kids get snatched), you can see a teddy bear. The same teddy bear that Peter later finds in Neverland that gives him a happy thought that allows him to fly. And later Hook tells Peter that he’s only dreaming. And Peter wakes up outside in the park… Maybe he was dreaming the whole time.

The imagination banquet, where Peter first uses his imagination, is one of my favorite scenes from any movie. It starts with an awesome battle of wits between Rufio and Peter as they hurl insults back and forth at each other. Peter wins and triumphantly flings an empty spoonful of food at Rufio, and everyone is amazed as brightly colored food smashes into his face. Everyone looks around astounded as the previously empty table is filled with generous platters of the most gorgeous and spectacular dishes you’ve ever seen. It’s a feast fit for a king and your mouth waters just thinking about it. Before the miraculous moment can fully sink in, a food fight starts. Slowly at first, but then it suddenly explodes into a frenzy of food and filth and laughter. The scene represents all the themes of the film.

Robin Williams does a great job playing a workaholic father, and he is able to transition from being a gruff adult into acting like a little kid. He even shaved his arms and chest so he would look more childlike and less like a yeti. That’s commitment.

Hook is one of my favorite movies of all time. I know that doesn’t make it a good movie, but I’m biased. Check it out if you haven’t.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Grilled/Cooked Pineapple

Pineapple is delicious. Tangy and sweet and delicious. There is nothing wrong with it. Until you grill it or cook it or heat it up. Pineapple should be served cold or at least room temperature if it’s canned. Grilled/cooked pineapple is gross. It’s unnatural. But then some people insist on throwing it on a pizza, or a kabob, or even on a hamburger. Blasphemy! If you wanna add pineapple on a pizza, you need to hold a debate first. You can’t just throw that shit on there, that’s a friendship ender.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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The Matrix Reloaded

Neo is back on the big screen in the second installment of the Matrix trilogy. Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving all return for the beginning of the Shyamalanization of the Wachowski Brothers. I had high hopes for this movie. I hate being disappointed.

So Neo is getting used to being the One. He spends his days chilling with Morpheus and Trinity in the Matrix, freeing people and acting like a holy man when he’s unplugged. Neo and his pals find out that the machines are going to launch an attack on Zion, the last remaining human city, where they like to have huge raves in underground caves. Not only do they have to deal with a massive machine invasion, but Agent Smith managed to escape death somehow, and now he’s wreaking havoc in the Matrix by making duplicates of himself. One of his copies manages to escape the Matrix and enter the real world.

Neo visits the Oracle and finds out that he needs to reach the Source of the Matrix. To do that he needs to find the Keymaker, who is being held prisoner by the Merovingian. Neo, Morpheus and Trinity manage to break the Keymaker out of the Merovingian’s grasp.

They come up with some complex plan to get Neo into the Source. The plan doesn’t work like it should, and the Keymaker dies and Trinity gets shot up by an agent. Neo reaches the Source meets the Architect and they have a conversation about how smart the Wachowskis are and how stupid you are because you don’t understand what they are talking about. And the Architect gives Neo a choice between saving mankind or saving Trinity. And Neo is selfish so he saves Trinity.

Neo discovers that he can disable the machines even without being plugged into the Matrix. But it’s too much for him to take and he collapses into a coma, and the movie ends in a cliffhanger.

There was a lot of potential for the Matrix sequels to be awesome. Instead the Wachowski Brothers decided ruining the franchise would be easier. You know that the movie was going to suck as soon as you realized that Tank is dead, even though he didn’t die in the first movie. There was no reason so replace a minor crewmember who didn’t die with another minor crewmember. It makes no sense. Link’s only redeeming feature is that he’s played by Harold Perrineau, and anyone from Lost is cool.

There are some cool action scenes, and even though they are more elaborate and complex, they are hollow, they don’t impact the story as much as the fights in the first movie. In the original the fights mean something. Morpheus fights Neo so he can learn what he is capable of for example. In Reloaded, there are fights just to fill screen time.

The fight between Neo and the Agent Smith clones could have been epic. It should have been. It starts out with a lot of promise. And about halfway through it becomes a cartoon. They get lazy with the fight choreography, with the animation, even with the sound effects. They actually use the sound of bowling pins falling over when Neo throws a Smith into other Smiths.

The best scene in the movie is the freeway chase. It might even be the best scene in the trilogy. A high speed chase with car crashes and albino twins and agents, Trinity and the Keymaker speeding the wrong way against traffic on the freeway, Morpheus fighting an agent on a semi truck… the whole sequence is exhilarating and you are almost relieved when Neo flies in and saves the day.

The Matrix Reloaded has its moments. But it’s a step in the wrong direction. It’s still worth seeing, but if you like the sequels more than the original you have issues.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Changing Light Bulbs

Sometimes it gets dark when I’m hanging out at home, so I’ll respond by turning on the lights. It’s really nice to be able to see your surroundings and what you’re doing. It’s easy to take indoor lighting for granted, but all things must come to an end, and eventually your light bulbs will dim and you have to change them. It’s kind of sad. It’s like the end of an era. Especially with these new fluorescent bulbs that last longer than Ron Jeremy. I never have spare bulbs either, so if one burns out I get a new one from the store. I don’t pay attention to wattage, I just get the cheapest one so all my lights are mismatched. I’m always a little nervous about getting electrocuted screwing in the new bulb. Technology scares me.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Will Ferrell makes Will Ferrell movies, and Anchorman is his best. Adam McKay (Talladega Nights, Eastbound & Down) directs and co-wrote the script with Will Ferrell, who stars as stars as Ron Burgundy, the best anchorman in San Diego. Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, David Koechner, and Christina Applegate costar, and Judd Apatow produces.

Ron Burgundy is the best damn anchorman in San Diego. He’s number one and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. His Channel 4 News team is made up of meteorologist Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), sportscaster Champ Kind (David Koechner), and field reporter Brian Fontana (Paul Rudd). Brick is legally retarded, Champ has man crush on Ron Burgundy, and Brian fancies himself a ladies man, but doesn’t have much luck. It’s a happier and lighter style of reporting, showcased by the ongoing reports on Ling-Wong the pregnant panda.

Things are going great for a while, but it’s the ‘70s and times are changing. Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) is the first female reporter hired at the station, and she has to deal with the immature men and blatant sexism as she battles for respect. Her and Ron get together and start a relationship, but it’s doomed because she’s looking forward to the future and Ron is stuck in the past.

One day Ron has a run-in with an angry biker who kicks Ron’s dog Baxter off a bridge. Ron is too distraught to report the news, so Veronica fills in and nails it. Ron is hurt and betrayed that Veronica would read his news and ends their relationship. There’s no denying Veronica’s talent and she is promoted to co-anchor.

Ron and his news team try to get rid of her in various ways, but Veronica sabotages Ron’s teleprompter so that he says, “Go fuck yourself San Diego”. You generally can’t say shit like that on TV, so Ron gets fired and Veronica becomes the lead anchor.

After a few months, Ron is just a drunk, but Veronica is more famous and successful than Ron ever was. One day Ling-Wong the pregnant panda finally starts to give birth, so the all of San Diego’s media shows up for the story of the year. Veronica gets shoved into a bear pit by a rival anchor that wants a good shot of Ling-Wong giving birth. When nobody can find Veronica, Ron Burgundy gets a chance to report once again.

Ron cleans himself up and shows up at the zoo to do some anchoring, but when he sees Veronica is in trouble, he jumps into the bear pit too. And just for good measure the rest of the news team jumps in too. Just when it seems like they are completely fucked, Baxter the dog shows up again. After he got kicked off the bridge by an angry biker, he had a fantastic journey to get back to Ron. He met a bear named Katow-jo, who coincidently happens to be the bear’s cousin, and so Ron and Veronica and the Channel 4 news team is safe. Talk about deus ex machine.

Will Ferrell is hysterical but he plays the same character in every single movie. Anchorman was before he wore his shtick into the ground. But there’s no denying he is funny as hell. Anchorman would not have worked without Will Ferrell, but Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and David Koechner deserve a lot of the credit for making the movie one of the best comedies of that decade. Sex Panther… 60% of the time, it works every time. There are a lot of cameos: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Seth Rogan, Tim Robbins, and a few other celebs make appearances. The news team showdown is one of the highlights of the movie.

Judd Apatow movies are usually always good. He track record is almost as good as Pixar’s. Drillbit Taylor sucked but Cars 2 was no gem either. This is Will Ferrell’s best movie. I can’t wait for the sequel.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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A Random Shoe on the Ground

You’re walking down the street and you happen to notice a random shoe on the ground. It’s just lying there, slightly worn-out, but otherwise a perfectly decent shoe. You wonder what happened to the other half of the pair. There aren’t any other shoes around. No socks either for that matter. How does a person lose a shoe and walk away without noticing? And what do they do with the shoe that they still have? It’s useless without its twin.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Top Gun

If you haven’t seen Top Gun, you have not lived. Tom Cruise stars as Maverick, a renegade Navy pilot who gets recruited to the elusive Top Gun program, where the best of the best compete to be the best. Ridley Scott’s younger brother Tony Scott directs this classic action film. Ridley Scott may be a genius, but Tony has some pretty good action films under his belt. Top Gun is probably his best.

Maverick (Tom Cruise) is a natural pilot, but is impulsive and has some daddy issues. His dad was also a pilot, but his plane went down under some shady circumstances, and Maverick has to deal with his father’s tainted legacy. Maverick and his wingman Goose (Anthony Edwards) fly recklessly, but get the job done. Despite some reservations, Maverick gets a chance to prove himself as one of the best Naval Aviators.

Maverick and Goose face some fierce competition, but their main rivals are soon revealed to be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and his wingman Slider. Iceman is the best pilot, not because he is naturally gifted, but because he works hard to be the best. He doesn’t like the way Maverick flies, because Maverick doesn’t fly safe, and he doesn’t want to work as a team. Iceman is made out to be the villain. Iceman should be the hero. He trains and studies and strives to do well, he does the right thing, and he looks out for the team. He calls Maverick out for being a maverick and he gets shat on. You can’t look out for yourself in the military, you endanger everyone else.

No matter how arrogant Maverick is, no matter how brash and stuck up, he is still a gifted pilot, and so everyone bends over backwards for him. Even though Charlie (Kelly McGillis) repeatedly stresses that she can’t date him because it wouldn’t be professional, she ends up spreading her legs. Even though Maverick kills his best friend and wingman Goose, he still gets more chances to prove himself.

He struggles a bit, and then regains his confidence, just in time to shoot down some real enemy MiGs and save the day. And then gets the girl at the end. Hurray for cliché Hollywood endings.

Top Gun was made in a different time. Back then there was no CG… if you saw a couple of jets doing some crazy cool maneuvers, you knew that shit was real. I know Tom Cruise isn’t flying an F-14, but some guy is, and that guy is a bad ass.

Every ‘80s movie needs a hit soundtrack. And the Top Gun soundtrack is epic. Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins is one of the cheesiest macho songs ever. Berlin’s Take My Breath Away is an awesome and awkward love song. There might have been a few more songs on the soundtrack. None of them matter.

No movie about military life is complete without a homoerotic beach volleyball scene. Maverick knows that he has a date that night, with a really hot instructor nonetheless, but playing shirtless volleyball with the boys is a little more important apparently.

Top Gun is one of those action films that defines a decade. It’s like Star Wars, if you haven’t seen it, you are weird. Real planes doing real stunts means real excitement. Is anyone else slightly distracted by Tom Cruise’s unibrow?

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Naked Blue Machine

Naked Blue Machine isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds. Naked is a brand that makes natural juice drinks. Blue Machine is one of their 100% juice smoothies. It has 27 blueberries, 3 blackberries, 3 ¼ apples, and one banana. That’s a lot of juice in a 15.2 oz. bottle. It’s pretty good, if you skip breakfast and chug this you won’t feel as guilty. It’s a better alternative to soda, but it’s not as refreshing. It tastes good and it’s good for you, and that’s good I guess.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere

Neverwhere was a BBC show that Neil Gaiman wrote and later adapted into a novel, which later got adapted into a comic book. Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere is a comic adaptation of the novel. Gaiman wrote the novel, but Mike Carey wrote the comic with Glenn Fabry providing the art. It’s the story of Richard Mayhew, a regular guy with a regular life, who helps out a mysterious stranger and discovers the mysterious world of London Below.

Richard Mayhew has a boring job and a bossy fiancée. He can’t make any decisions for himself, that’s her job. The only time he defies her is to help hurt woman in the street. The hurt woman isn’t exactly from around here, she comes from London Below. The best way to describe London Below is that it’s made up of pieces from our world that got lost or went missing. That’s not a good way to describe it, but it is the best way.

The hurt woman is named Door, and she’s in trouble. Her family has been murdered, she has two assassins tracking her down, and she needs help. Richard helps her find the Marquis de Carabas, and he helps Door escape from the assassins (Croup and Vandemar).

Richard tries to go back to his old life and old routine, but there’s a problem. London Above seems to have forgotten him. His apartment is being shown to potential tenants, no one at the office can see him, his fiancée doesn’t recognize him. It’s as if he never existed.

Richard has to go back to London Below to find Door and recover his existence. After a few adventures and mishaps he finds Door and joins her on her journey to discover what happened to her family and why. A legendary warrior named Hunter joins their posse to act as Door’s bodyguard.

There’s a whole bunch of stuff that they have to do, there’s a lot of hoops to jump through, a bunch of crazy characters with hidden agendas that they have to deal with. London Below is a rich, dense, chaotic and confusing world, and it’s a joy to explore.

Richard Mayhew learns more about himself in London Below than he ever did in his real life. So in the end, when the conflict has been resolved, and he’s back in his routine, he feels hollow. How can you survive the fantastic and return the mundane and be satisfied? You can’t be content with mediocrity after a magic mission like he experienced. So he finds a way back to London Below, his new home.

The comic cuts out a lot of stuff. They had to; the story is way too dense to be crammed into a nine issue series. They changed a few things here and there, but it’s a pretty faithful adaptation overall. You can tell that Mike Carey is fan of Neil Gaiman. He takes time and puts a lot of care and effort into converting a dense novel into comic book form. I’ve never done that, but I imagine it’s a difficult task.

The art is awesome. The story is awesome. Neil Gaiman is awesome. Mike Carey is awesome at trying to be Neil Gaiman. This is a decent comic, but the book is better.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Talking to Babies

I’m at that stage in life where my friends that I grew up with have started popping out babies. And so you have to come over and meet the baby. The proud mother and father introduce you to their little bundle of joy, and they expect you to coo and make a fuss over how cute the little rascal is. I know what to say to the parents. You just gotta compare the baby to them: “Awww, she has your eyes. You’re lucky she doesn’t have his nose.” But what I don’t like is when they expect you to talk to the baby. What are you supposed to say? The baby can’t hold a conversation, it’s a fucking baby. It’s not even listening to me; it’s too busy shitting itself. I end up with a fake ass ear-to-ear smile, saying “Hello” and “Hi there” over and over again, each time in a higher pitched voice. I’m not saying I don’t like your baby… I just don’t want to have an awkward one-sided conversation with a person that’s closer to a fetus than a toddler.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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The Animatrix

The Matrix is a great movie. The sequels have some great moments, but they are not great movies. The Animatrix is the best installment in the Matrix franchise. It’s a collection of eight animated shorts about the Matrix universe. Each segment has it’s own style of animation. Four of the stories are related to the movies, and the other four are independent. If you liked the first movie and thought the sequels sucked, you should give this one a try, it might redeem your faith in the Matrix franchise.

Final Flight of the Osiris is a CG animated short that ties directly into the Matrix Reloaded. The animation is reminiscent of the Final Fantasy movie. The Second Renaissance is a two-part film that explores how the machines came to dominate man. It’s pretty much a history lesson on how the Matrix universe was formed. B1-66ER will haunt your dreams. Kid’s Story is a tale about that weird kid that wanted to carry Neo’s luggage in the second movie. It’s how he escaped the Matrix, and Neo makes an appearance. Really cool animation, kind of like Waking Life.

Program is an independent short; it has no bearing on the films. It’s about a chick named Cis being tested as to whether or not she wants to be in the real world or go back to Matrix. It’s my least favorite segment. World Record is about a sprinter who pushes his body and mind to the limit, escaping the Matrix and finding freedom. Beyond is about a girl who goes looking for her lost cat and finds a haunted house. The haunted house isn’t actually haunted, it’s just a glitch in the Matrix. It’s the best of the independent stories and one of the highlights of the Animatrix. It’s simply fantastic.

A Detective Story is a film noir short about a detective trying to track down Trinity. It’s set in the ‘30s or ‘40s, and it’s like the Maltese Falcon meets the Matrix, but it works. Matriculated is the last short and a disappointing way to end the Animatrix. It’s done by the same guy who did Aeon Flux, so imagine that style with weird Matrix robots. It’s about a group of humans who try to reprogram machines to help humans and not kill them. It’s not a bad story, but the Animatrix should end with a short that is more relevant to the Matrix films.

The Animatrix is the best installment in the Matrix franchise. And it’s the most overlooked. The Animatrix is worth buying, high praise in these days of illegal downloads. The Second Renaissance and Beyond are reason enough to buy it. Great animation and great stories add up to a great time. And you gotta admit that it has a clever title.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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