Tag Archives: aliens

Reptilians (conspiracy theory)

There are a lot of people who believe that shape-shifting aliens control the world. Supposedly the Reptilians are reptile-like humanoids that have infiltrated the top levels of governments and corporations around the world and use their power and influence to wreak havoc. They are responsible for hurricanes and tsunamis and they masterminded 9/11. And you are an idiot if you think that they have any influence on Earth. I’m not trying to be mean, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. You are a fucking idiot if you think that lizard people from space are a global threat. There’s no way that Reptilians rule the planet. The Illuminati keep the Reptilians under control and confined to New Jersey.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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District 9

Neill Blomkamp’s District 9 is the best South African sci-fi film ever made, I’m pretty sure of that. In March of 1982, a huge alien spaceship arrives over Johannesburg. It’s filled with a bunch of sick and dying aliens, and they are forcibly relocated them into District 9, a government camp where they can live in squalor and poverty. A guy named Wikus is tasked with relocating the aliens to a new camp, but things hit a snag when he gets infected by a mysterious fluid and starts mutating into an alien

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The aliens of District 9 are humanoid insect looking things called prawns. They have their own language, but can understand English. They have a thing for cat food. The South African government hired a private military company called Multinational United to remove the aliens from District 9 into a new ghetto called District 10. Wikus van de Merwe (Sharlto Copely) works at MNU, and while he’s in the middle of serving up eviction notices in District 9 he gets sprayed by a weird black fluid. Before long his hand and arm start mutating, becoming prawnlike.

MNU finds out, and they start experimenting on him. His newfound prawn DNA makes him the only human who can use alien weaponry. Wikus escapes from MNU and goes back to District 9 to find a cure.

He returns to the house where he got sprayed. It’s owned by a prawn named Christopher Johnson and his young prawn son. Christopher tells him that the fluid is spaceship fuel, and the prawns need it to go home, but it will also revert Wikus back to human form. Wikus and Christopher launch an attack on MNU headquarters, grab the fuel and try to reactivate the spaceship.

In the climatic battle, Wikus and Christopher are getting shot at by MNU soldiers and Nigerian gangsters. The best way to end a movie about alien racism is to have a shootout. It’s logical, it’s practical, it’s the only reasonable way to end the movie.

District 9 has a lot of political undertones. It’s a commentary on racism and bigotry. Wikus is an asshole in the beginning. He sees the prawns as inferior. He just assumes that he is better than they are. As he starts to become less human, he becomes more humane. He starts to care about the prawns, and at the end he sacrifices himself for them.

This is a cool movie. There are no big name actors. It’s shot like a documentary, with lots of interviews, hand-held shots, and pseudo-found footage. The CG prawns look realistic and the action scenes are pretty intense. It was originally a short film called Alive in Joburg, and it was expanded into the flick that it became.

District 9 proved that you can make a successful sci-fi movie without any stars, an established director, or a huge budget. All you need is a cool concept and an explosive over the top ending where people blow up and splatter blood everywhere. It’s a good movie with a mediocre ending. But it has a great concept and that’s what makes the movie worth watching.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Independence Day (film, not the day)

Before Roland Emmerich went crazy and started spewing out ridiculous disaster movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, he made an awesome disaster movie called Independence Day. This was one of the best summer movies of the ‘90s. It had it all: a sweet cast, amazing special effects, and good action scenes. Plus Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

The movie stars out with a bang. It starts on the moon and a giant shadow creeps across its surface, steadily heading for Earth. Before long, giant spaceships are hovering over 36 major cities across the world. As we learn about the threat, we are introduced to the main characters. Jeff Goldblum plays David Levinson, a genius who discovers a hidden code that indicates the aliens are going to attack. He goes to Washington, D.C. to warn his ex-wife who works for the President of the United States. Bill Pullman plays the President, a former combat pilot.

Will Smith plays Captain Steve Hiller, a pilot for the Marines. He wants to become an astronaut, and he has a stripper girlfriend named Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox). Randy Quaid plays Russell Casse, he’s a pilot too. Seriously, the whole world gets destroyed, but half the survivors are pilots. If you wanna survive Independence Day, you should start taking flying lessons.

The hidden code that David finds turns out to be valid, and the ships attack simultaneously across the world. Millions of people die, but if you jump into a storage closet in a tunnel, you’ll be fine. That’s how Vivica A. Fox survived. She plays a stripper in the movie by the way.

So the world’s been half destroyed, and we have no idea how to stop them. Will Smith flies around and gets one to crash and then he punches it in the face and welcomes it to Earth. And then he and the alien body get a ride from Russell Casse and his family to Area 51. And the President is there, along with David and all the other people who haven’t died yet. The alien turns out not to be dead, and we find out that they want to take over the world and they want us to die. So we decide to nuke them. And it doesn’t work, and we don’t know what to do. And we seem pretty fucked.

Then David gets an idea. He’ll simply use his Apple laptop to upload a virus to the mother ship to disable all the other ships, while simultaneously the survivors across the world will launch a global attack on the alien ships. Will Smith and David fly to the mother ship, and the President and Russell Casse and all the other survivor pilots take to the skies in a desperate attempt to save mankind.

Not to spoil anything, but we won. We beat the aliens. And David takes up smoking. He probably stops recycling too.

This movie came out when I was ten years old. It was the movie of the summer. It was like my Star Wars. It was an event. And when we went back to school we shunned the ones who didn’t see it.

There are a lot of funny moments and lots of great one-liners. There are also some touching moments, like when the President has to tell his daughter that mama ain’t coming back. Some of the actors do a great job, like Judd Hirsch as Julius, David’s father. Some of the actors do a terrible job, like James Duval as Miguel Casse, Russell’s son. He looks like he went to the Keanu Reeves School of Wooden Acting. I think Bill Pullman’s speech with the bullhorn is one of the best fake president speeches of all time. Oh, and Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

Of course there are lots of plot holes (like where’s the Secret Service?) and poorly written characters, but the movie is exciting and fun and entertaining. I like being entertained, it’s fun. I think it’s weird how everyone laughs at Russell whenever he mentions being abducted by aliens ten years earlier. They know that aliens exist now. They should be apologizing for having doubted him.

Independence Day is a cool movie. It was the first time Will Smith saved the world. He does that every other summer now. This was back when it was still special. Seriously if you haven’t seen this movie you missed the ‘90s and I feel bad for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Men in Black (film)

Steven Spielberg produces, Barry Sonnenfeld directs, and Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are the Men in Black. Men in Black is based on a comic, but I never read it, so I have no idea how faithful to the source it is. This is your basic buddy cop movie, but with aliens and dated CGI. Tommy Lee Jones plays Agent Kay, a member of the Men in Black, a secret organization that controls extraterrestrial life on Earth. Will Smith plays Agent Jay, the newest MIB recruit.

Will Smith annoys me. He plays the same exact character in all his movies… He is cocky and goofy at the same time, and I hate that I don’t hate him. He seems like such a douche, and still seems cool. At this point in his career he already played a cop and he already saved the world from aliens. It was really quite a stretch for him to play an agent who saves the world from aliens. His training sequence in the beginning is one of the highlights of the film. The other potential candidates, each one representing a different branch of the military, can’t think outside of the box. Jay uses his common sense and succeeds in recognizing that aliens aren’t as much of a threat as a little girl with a Calculus book. It’s a good introduction to the MIB world.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays the main villain, a farmer whose body is taken over by a Bug. He does a great job. He is terrifying and intimidating, way more than the giant cartoon cockroach that he transforms into at the end. Tommy Lee Jones is a badass as always.

There are a few cool ideas about aliens and galaxies. The galaxy on Orion’s belt… the reveal that our own galaxy is just one of many galaxies encased in marbles that giant aliens play with… heavy stuff bro. Just hit this joint and think about it. This movie was really just a vehicle for Will Smith to act like Will Smith for two hours. And that song; that fucking terrible song. I’ve been to more than one middle school dance where a bunch of awkward teens stumbled through those steps.

A fun movie and a good start to a decent franchise. The second movie was enjoyable, and the third one looks promising. Josh Brolin as a young Tommy Lee Jones? Sounds good to me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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