Beach Balls

Beach balls are inflatable balls that require your lungpower. You blow into a little rubber nipple thing, and you get slightly dizzy if you blow it up too fast. The name is kind of misleading. You never see beach balls at the beach. You typically see them at concerts, festivals, and the occasional sporting event. They are sometimes distracting, but you still hope it comes your way so you can swat it. I wonder if the guy who brings the ball gets mad when no one gives it back. I would be pissed, “NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL I GET MY FUCKING BEACH BALL BACK! WHO THE FUCK HAS IT?”

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Batman: The Long Halloween (comic)

The Long Halloween is a semi-sequel to Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. Writer Jeph Loeb continues the tale of a Gotham City that is still partly controlled by mobsters and gangsters, but more and more crazy Batman villains are starting to make their voices heard. A serial killer is slowly killing off members or the Falcone crime family on holidays and Batman has to find out why. He enters a crime fighting pact with Police Captain James Gordon and the new district attorney, Harvey Dent. Over the course of the 13 issues, Harvey Dent transitions himself from a moral and upstanding person to a psychotic villain known as Two-Face. If that spoiled anything for you, I’m not fucking sorry. Everyone knows that Harvey Dent becomes Two-Face.

A notorious mobster named Carmine “The Roman” Falcone tries to get Bruce Wayne to get the Gotham City Bank to launder money. This sets off a chain of events where Batman starts to investigate that Falcone family, allying with James Gordon and Harvey Dent in an attempt to stop organized crime in Gotham.

On Halloween, Jonny Viti (The Roman’s nephew) is shot and killed by an unknown assassin. Each month the killer returns to wipe out another mobster on a holiday, each victim is associated with the Falcones.

Batman, Gordon, and Harvey Dent become intent on catching the killer, who they start referring to as Holiday. Catwoman is constantly spying on Batman and always seems to be present when he’s meeting with Gordon and Dent, or whenever he’s creeping around at nighttime doing his Batman duties. Haha, Batman doodies. Batman’s not sure which side she is on, but he’s got bigger fish to fry.

Harvey Dent finds a link between the Falcone family and the Wayne family that results in Bruce Wayne getting arrested. That puts a slight damper on Batman’s relationship with Harvey Dent.

The crime war between the Falcones and their rivals, the Maronis reaches the point where Maroni agrees to testify against The Roman. Instead of a damning testimony, he hurls acid into Harvey Dent’s face. And Harvey Dent goes crazy and becomes Two-Face.

So now Batman has a new crazy villain to deal with and he still has to find out who the Holiday killer is. And there are a lot of suspects. And there’s a twist so brace yourselves.

Not only does Batman have to deal with the Falcone mobsters and the Maroni mobsters, but there’s a virtual who’s who of Batman villains that make appearances. Catwoman, the Joker, Two-Face, the Calendar Man, Solomon Grundy, the Scarecrow, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, and Poison Ivy all show up. Even though there are a few sideshows, the main storyline is tight and focused. Just sit back and enjoy where the story takes you.

Tim Sale’s artwork is gorgeous. Loeb and Sale worked together for a few projects; this is one of their better collaborative efforts (check out Superman for All Seasons for a good Superman read).

If you’ve seen any of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy (and I’m assuming you have, because who hasn’t?), then you will notice a lot of things that the movies took from this comic, especially in The Dark Knight. This story is better than The Dark Knight. It’s a murder mystery that can only be solved by the world’s greatest detective and he dresses up like a bat when it’s dark outside.

This is one of the best Batman stories ever. And one of the best comic book stories ever. It’s just a great story period. So read it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Calling or Texting Instead of Ringing the Doorbell

It seems like everyone has a cellphone these days, and the lucky ones have smartphones. Everyone is constantly connected to each other with this magical technology. And technology makes you lazy in stupid ways. I’ve noticed that most people end up calling or texting instead of ringing the doorbell. A doorbell has one button that produces a buzzing or chiming noise to notify that someone is at the door. Instead of pushing one button, we now push a few buttons or type out a text saying we are outside. It takes longer to get a response, there’s more work involved, and there’s no real reason to do it. But that’s how it is now. So just embrace it and text me when you get here.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Negative Nancy

Yesterday I overheard a stupid guy telling his friends that he doesn’t like the term “Negative Nancy.” His friends couldn’t grasp why, and the stupid guy couldn’t explain why he hates it. I can only assume it is because he is a Negative Nancy. A Negative Nancy is equivalent to a Sad Sally or a Debbie Downer. Americans like to label people using alliteration, I guess. If someone is constantly complaining, especially about trivial things, than they are a Negative Nancy. You don’t want to be a Negative Nancy. I don’t know what the opposite is, but it’s probably Happy Harold or Fun Freddy. I could have made that up too.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Looking Up Shit on Your Phone

I like to read interesting articles about interesting things to expand my intellect. And then when I’m drunk, I try to spew out the crazy facts that I learned and no one will believe me. So I’ll bust out my iPhone and look up my source. Looking up shit on your phone is the best nonviolent way to end a bar argument. If that doesn’t work, smash a bottle or a barstool on your opponent and run like hell. Smart phones put the Internet in the palm of your hand, and you can use it to prove someone wrong and make them feel stupid. And then you can take a picture of their misery and share it with the world instantly. That’s the best use of technology to date.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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The Wounds (film)

The Wounds is a Serbian film that I never would have heard of if it weren’t for a Serbian guy that I work with. It’s about a kid named Pinki growing up in Belgrade with his best friend Švaba during the Yugoslav wars. The two friends embrace the criminal lifestyle and their only goal is to be infamous. They evolve from kids into criminals over a few years and the movie is realistic and depressing and you are compelled to watch.

A lot of the movie gets lost in translation. This is a period piece as much as it is a gangster film, and I’m admittedly a little rusty on my Serbian history. But one thing that is universal are characters and emotions. You know who these characters are and you know what they are feeling. And when shit happens to them, you can relate to them.

The movie begins with Pinki riding shotgun with Švaba. The conversation is somewhat casual, but you can’t help but notice that Pinki is riddled with bullet holes and there is an air of tension between the two. The movie flashes back a few years to a younger Pinki and Švaba as they joyfully bully their tagalong friend, Dijabola. They constantly pick on him and ridicule him and throw fucking rocks at his head and laugh as the tears and blood run down his face.

Dijabola’s sexy mom is a TV reporter that works for a show called Puls Asfalta (or Pulse of the Asphalt). She interviews notable persons of the criminal underworld and she turns them into stars. One criminal named Dickie wants to be on the show desperately, and he’s crazy enough to get on it. He introduces Pinki and Švaba to crime and mentors them to be as crazy and ruthless as he is. The time comes when he teaches them everything he can and they no longer need him.

The friends descend deeper and deeper into despair and killing and violence means nothing to them. They only want respect and they try to get it by appearing on Pulse of the Asphalt. They both want to get with Dijabola’s sexy mom and the jealous feelings cause Švaba to shoot Pinki a few times, and the movie is back to the opening scene. Now you now why Pinki was all shot up and why there was so much tension. But the movie’s not over yet. Now you have to experience the climax. Instead of telling you what happens, you should just kill an hour and forty minutes and just watch it now. You’re not that busy, so here you go.

This movie is comparable to City of God. But in The Wounds the main character embraces crime and celebrates it. In City of God, the main character resists crime and fears it. Pinki is not a bad kid, but he still chose to be a criminal. He’s not as coldblooded as Švaba, but he doesn’t back down from anything,

The movie is very sexual. I guess sex and violence go hand in hand as far as entertainment is concerned, but still, holy shit, this film is sexual. Pinki starts by stating proudly that he masturbates, and he does so furiously and frequently. As he starts to rise up the criminal ranks, he starts fucking prostitutes. In front of Dickie and Švaba and Dijabola. And they’ll take turns and watch each other and comment. Pinki and Švaba go skinny dipping together and have no qualms about being naked together but will still insult each other by calling the other one a faggot. Pinki never has a girlfriend. He’s had sex, but he’s never made love. And there’s a difference.

There is a whole subplot involving the family lives of the two friends. Pinki lives with his parents. His dad is stuck in a dead end job in the military. He gets no respect and not much of a paycheck. When Pinki turns to a life of crime, his dad is desperate enough to ask him for work. Švaba lives with his grandma, and there are quite a few funny scenes with her as she ingests drugs and partakes of their lifestyle in the sweet and innocent way that only old ladies can accomplish. When she asks for a cigarette, they offer her a joint and call it an American cigarette. When she sees Pinki doing lines of blow and asks if it’s prescription, he responds it’s Columbian and she joins in.

This movie is subtitled, but it still sucks you in. After a few minutes you are hooked. There are a lot of references to Serbian history that will go over most people’s heads (including my own), but that doesn’t make this movie any less impactful. The movie ends on a down note. It’s not a happy way to sum up the story. But it’s the realistic way to end it. That’s how it ends for most people that choose that lifestyle. I’m trying to be vague here. Just watch it and see how you feel. By the way, the main actor died in 2000 while serving in the Serbian military under mysterious circumstances. You should honor his memory by seeing his work. I can honestly say that this is the best Serbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Killing Time on the Internet

There are quite a few websites on the Internet these days. Over a thousand by some estimates. So while in the old days when people would go outside or socialize with a friend face to face, these days people surf the World Wide Web. Killing time on the Internet is quickly becoming a pastime. Instant gratification is supremely satisfying. If you are unsure how to pass time before work or bedtime, there’s YouTube and Google and Wikipedia and Facebook. For some people there’s still AOL. I don’t know why, but it’s still there. There’s a lot of porn out there too apparently. I’m going to have to look into that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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J1s

If you don’t know what a J1 is, then I feel sorry for you. J1s are glorified tourists who get a J1 visa that allows them to work in America for a few months, with extra time allotted to tour the states and see the sights. It’s basically a work and travel program for college students from various European countries and a few South American countries. If you’ve even been to New York City, San Francisco, Orlando, or any other hotspot during the summertime and heard a delicious accent from an employee at a touristy restaurant like Hard Rock or Boudin, that was probably a J1.

J1s live together in hotels or hostels, often 3 or 4 crammed into a small space. It is basically dorm living, but you are in America and you have a right to go crazy and party every day and night. And that’s what they do. The cool ones at least.

The J1s experience more of America than most Americans do. They make sure to visit New York City and San Francisco and everywhere in between. They visit Vegas and Disneyland and go skydiving. They live more in 4 months than a lazy American does in 4 years.

J1s have a chance to explore the world and they make the most of it. And then they go home and you talk to them on Facebook. If you are fortunate to befriend some of them, it’s comforting to know that you have a couch you can crash on in Croatia if you need. Or Serbia. Or Ireland. Just don’t go to Moscow. Long story.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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Using the Bathroom After a Girl Takes a Shit

People eat food and as a result they defecate. Guys embrace toilet humor, girls avoid it. Guys are expected to leave the seat up and miss the toilet. We are supposed to fart and take long leisurely shits. Girls are don’t have that privilege, it’s scandalous when they fart in public. I know that they have to shit; I just don’t want to hear about it. Using the bathroom after a girl takes a shit is a terribly dehumanizing experience. Girls are supposed to be flowers and sunshine. Dealing with the aftermath of their explosive poops will make you realize there’s no such thing as perfection. And that stinks (in more ways than one).

Critically Rated at 5/17

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City of God (film)

Some movies change your life. This is one of them. It’s the story of a kid named Rocket and his struggles to escape the crime and gang activity that surrounds him in the City of God. It’s a Brazilian film and all the dialog is in Portuguese with English subtitles. A lot of people are thrown off by movies that require reading, but this is one of the best movies of all time, so don’t let a little reading deter you from experiencing this film.

The movie starts with a chicken escaping some gangsters. That’s the ideal way to start any movie by the way. The gang is running after the chicken and they cross paths with Rocket, our main character and narrator. Rocket thinks that the gang wants to kill him and the films jumps to a flashback to explain why.

It begins with the tale of the Tender Trio who spend their days doing small robberies and heists in their slum town called the City of God. Rocket’s older brother is Goose is one third of the trio, the other members are Shaggy and Clipper. The Tender Trio share their loot with the citizens in exchange for protection from the police. A young hoodlum named Li’l Dice wants his shot at the big time and he plans a hotel robbery with the Tender Trio. He’s too young to participate so they make him the lookout. Instead of keeping an eye out, he shoots the fuck out of the hotel occupants. The slaughter draws the attention of the cops and marks the end of the Tender Trio and the rise of Li’l Dice.

The movie jumps forward a few years to the ‘70s. Rocket is busy trying to stay out of trouble. He’s developed an interest in photography but is more preoccupied with losing his virginity. Li’l Dice is more preoccupied with power and wants to control the City of God. He changes his name to Li’l Zé and starts to kill off all the drug dealers to get their turf and customers. Li’l Zé’s partner in crime is Benny. While Li’l Zé is ruthless and cruel, Benny is popular and cool. He’s still a gangster, but he’s not bloodthirsty.

Zé takes over all the competition, except for a dealer named Carrot who is friends with Benny. There’s a brief period of peace for a minute, but then a gang of street kids called the Runts don’t respect the fact that there’s a new boss in town. Zé has a recruit kill a Runt to send a message. Zé also decides that he wants all the turf and wants to kill Carrot, the only thing stopping him is Benny.

Benny dies because that’s what happens when you live by the gun. And Carrot knows that Zé wants to kill him, so he starts to recruit an army. Carrot joins forces with Knockout Ned. At one point Knockout Ned was a peaceful citizen, but then Zé raped his girlfriend, killed his brother, and tried to kill Ned. So there’s a little beef between the two.

The movie moves into the ‘80s, with Carrot and Knockout Ned’s army continuously engaged in combat with Zé’s army… the sides keep recruiting and getting more firepower and the violence continuously escalates. Rocket gets an opportunity to photograph Zé and it gets published in the newspaper. Rocket thinks that his life is now in danger, and the movie comes back full circle to the beginning with Li’l Zé’s gang chasing a chicken and running into Rocket, and him fearing for his life.

What happens next is cool and I won’t give it away. But you should have seen this movie already. In fact, why haven’t you? It should be required viewing. That’s my new rule; you can’t watch any more movies until you see this one.

On the surface, the movie is about crime in the slums of Brazil. If you dig a little deeper, you realize that’s its just the exploits of a horny kid trying to get laid in the slums while occasionally having run-ins with the criminals that control his city. He’s on a quest to lose his virginity, but he doesn’t try very hard and often sabotages his chances.

Most of the actors aren’t actors. The majority are from real slums, some even from the real City of God. They were sent to actor’s workshop for a little while so they wouldn’t suck on camera, and the end result is a film that feels real, that feels like a documentary. Some of their performances will haunt you.

See this movie. Right now. It’s practically a perfect movie. The only downside is that it is subtitled. If it weren’t for my occasional drunken laziness influencing my rating, this would be a perfect score. If you are tired or drunk you don’t want to deal with reading subtitles. But if you are alert and sober, give it a go.

Critically Rated at 16.5/17

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Spending Money When You Shouldn’t

We’ve all be there before. Rent is due in 2 days and you’re still a little short. And you should be stingy and frugal but you find yourself walking downtown and something catches your eye. Maybe it’s a jacket that’s on sale, maybe it’s the scent of a delicious steak wafting from that expensive restaurant, it doesn’t matter. Before you know it, you end up spending money when you shouldn’t have. You can try to justify it to yourself, but there’s no excuse. You are stupid and weak and rent is still due. Oh well, at least you helped the economy.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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Missing Your Stop

Taking the bus is a good thing. It’s good for the environment. It’s good for your budget. You just need to know where to jump on and where to hop off. Knowing your stop is essential to taking the bus. If you don’t pay attention to where you are going, how will you know when you get there? Missing your stop is the sign of an amateur, but it happens to everybody. You just have to calm yourself and pretend like it was intentional, that you wanted to walk an extra few blocks back to your stop. Exercise, you know?

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Meddlers

People don’t always get along. We can’t. We aren’t programmed to. You are going to have conflicts, it’s inevitable and unavoidable. So I have no respect for meddlers. Meddlers strive to create conflicts, they want to stir the pot and put people against each other. They start unnecessary arguments between friends just for the sheer joy of causing chaos. Meddlers stick their unwanted and ugly noses into other people’s businesses because they are evil, cruel, heartless, and want to make their puppets dance. An argument should be between two people, not the byproduct of a meddler.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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Brisingr (book)

Brisingr is the third installment of Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle, an epic saga of a young Dragon Rider named Eragon and his dragon, Saphira, as they take on the evil King Galbatorix and try to restore freedom to Middle-earth… I mean Alagaësia. Alagaësia is a land of magic, elves, dwarves, witches, and dragons. You can’t forget about the dragons.

The book starts off a few days after the events of the second book. Eragon and Saphira are helping Roran (Eragon’s cousin) rescue his bride-to-be from the clutches of the evil Ra’zac. They kick some ass and rescue Katrina and Eragon finally gets to kill the creatures that killed his uncle. Revenge is sweet.

Roran and Katrina consummate their relationship, and so there’s a slight rush to hurry up and tie the knot so as not to taint Katrina’s honor. Eragon performs the marriage ceremony, and then has to leave to oversee the election of the new Dwarf king. Eragon narrowly escapes an attempted assassination by a dwarf clan, which helps give Orik, his friend and ally, enough votes to secure the crown for himself.

Eragon realizes that he’s still pretty fucking stupid and weak compared to Galbatorix. So he and Saphira go back to Ellesméra for some additional training with his mentor Oromis and his dragon Glaedr. Oromis and Glaedr teach Eragon about the source of Galbatorix’s power. Long story short, he’s been collecting Eldunarya, which are basically dragon souls. Dragon souls are powerful and they make you more powerful. That is how Galbatorix was able to defeat the Dragon Riders and also how he’s able to control Murtagh and his dragon, Thorn.

Eragon also uses his time in Ellesméra to make a new sword, a proper sword. A Dragon Rider’s blade is like a light saber; it’s your personalized weapon. You can use someone else’s but it will never be as powerful as your own. It’s the same concept as the wand choosing the wizard. Eragon is able to manipulate the elven sword smith into making him a new sword, which he dubs Brisingr.

With a new sword in hand, Eragon and Saphira fly back to join the Varden as they are in the middle of a battle. Eragon and Saphira show up in the nick of time and they do some damage and kill soldiers and stuff. He rescues Arya from certain death and they discover some bad magicians trying to conjure up a Shade. And then Arya kills the Shade and there’s no damage done.

The first two books have a lot of parallels to A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. They seemed like Star Wars meets Lord of the Rings. This book starts to take it in a new direction. For one thing, this book is a lot more political than the first two. Nasuada, the leader of the Varden, becomes more powerful politically and starts to play a bigger role. You get a glimpse of how the dwarves elect a king and how their society functions. Eragon has ties to the Varden, to the Dragon Riders, to the elves, to the dwarves… he must tread carefully and not step on any toes.

Eragon and Saphira spend a lot of time separated. The first two books they are practically always together. In Brisingr they are often on opposite sides of Alagaësia. There is a bond between a Dragon and its Rider, often times they act as one being. So when they are separated they feel a sense of isolation that in not fathomable.

The Inheritance Cycle will never be a classic like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or the Boxcar Children. But they are worth reading if you like magic and dragons and geeky shit like that. Christopher Paolini’s Alagaësia is a hodgepodge of fantasy clichés and characters. But he makes it his own. You will see a lot of similarities between his work and other works, but nothing is truly original anymore. Everything is a remix these days.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Bugles

Bugles are a cone shaped corn snack. They are crispy like chips, but are more fun and you can put them on your fingertips and they look like gnome hats. You might have to use your imagination. They don’t fit quite as well as when they did when I was a kid though. Finger foods are fun. They come in a few different flavors but Original is always the best choice. Bugles are good, but there’s no way you can eat them everyday.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Joe Dirt

Joe Dirt is David Spade’s best movie that doesn’t costar Chris Farley. David Spade plays Joe Dirt, a simple redneck janitor who has a mullet wig and an incredible life story. He is a loser and the world shits on him, but somehow he manages to stay positive. Director Dennie Gordon is able to make this lowbrow comedy somehow relatable. If you liked Forrest Gump but felt that it needed more scenes involving dog’s nuts getting stuck to porches, you might want to check out this movie.

This is not a good movie. It will never win any Oscars and it isn’t trying to. It’s a stupid movie and it embraces that fact. Joe Dirt is working as a custodian at a radio station when a producer sees how much of a hick he is. The producer works for Zander Kelly (Dennis Miller), a Howard Stern-type radio personality. Zander starts to interview Joe Dirt on the air, openly mocking him while discovering what makes Joe Dirt tick.

Joe reluctantly starts telling the story of his life. When he was born he was missing the top of his skull, so his parents stuck a mullet wig on his head and they fused together. His parents hated him from the start and named him Joe Dirt instead of giving him their last name. And to top it off they abandoned him at the Grand Canyon when he was eight.

Joe grows up bouncing around from foster home to foster home before he settles down in picturesque Silvertown for a few years. He meets a girl named Brandy (Brittany Daniel) and he spends his days frolicking with her and her dog Charlie, all the while trying to avoid her drunken father and Kid Rock.

Joe has a desire to find his birthparents and sets out on a mission to find them. He bums his way around, meeting a Native American and Christopher Walken and getting captured by a serial killer. As Joe keeps spewing his tale to Zander, more and more listeners are tuning in, fascinated by this upbeat hick and his zany adventures.

As Joe’s story become a national sensation, questions arise about Brandy’s intentions after it’s revealed that she hid the truth about Joe’s parents from him. Some people think it’s because she’s a bitch, but it’s really because she loves him.

Joe’s quest for his parents was sparked by his need for a home, for a family, for people who love him. And he realizes that he already had that, back home in picturesque Silvertown. And Brandy loves him, so it’s also convenient to go back.

David Spade mostly plays a sarcastic asshole. He has a very insulting comedic style; his characters are constantly belittling and putting down other people. But Joe Dirt is a nice guy who gets bullied instead of doing the bullying. Finally David Spade gets a chance to show his theatrical range.

You either like this movie or you don’t. It’s not the best comedy ever, but it’s funny enough. There are a lot of good quotes and some funny gags. It’s one of David Spade’s best movies, and I know that’s not saying much, but it’s better than anything starring Rob Schneider. That’s not worth much, but it’s still worth something.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Taking a Shower and Forgetting Your Towel

Every once in a while you fail to follow your routine, and that can have some serious consequences. Like when you finish your shower and realize that you didn’t bring your fucking towel. Now you have a few options. You can flail you limbs wildly in a vain attempt to shake off the water. You can drip your way out of the bathroom and down the hall until you get to your towel. Or you can use a shit ton of toilet paper to sop off the excess moisture. I often wonder how MacGyver would handle the situation. No matter what, you know your day is going to be shitty when you start off by taking a shower and forgetting your towel.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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