Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

March 14, 2012 · 9:33 am

Skittles Riddles

I was just saying the other day that the U.S. as a whole simply doesn’t have enough varieties of Skittles. And then my prayers were answered when I saw these. I should have asked for world peace, but I’m an American, and candy is more appealing. The gimmick with Skittles Riddles is that the colors and the flavors don’t match up. So a blue Skittle could be Apple, Watermelon, Strawberry, Punch or Raspberry. That is way too much excitement for me. I just want to eat and enjoy my candy, not try to solve a mystery that I don’t give a fuck about.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 13, 2012 · 9:31 am

Skittles Crazy Cores

Pop quiz, hotshot: what’s better than a Skittle with just one flavor? A Skittle with two flavors of course, you dumbass. Crazy Cores are Skittles with a flavored candy shell with another flavored core inside. Don’t worry, the flavors aren’t too crazy. Maybe a little wild, but not crazy. It comes in Strawberry Watermelon, Mango Peach, Cherry Lemonade, Melon Berry and Blue Raspberry Lemon. Pretty tasty, not too crazy, but definitely not tame.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 11, 2012 · 10:09 am

Cheez-It Cheddar Jack

These are baked snack crackers made with 100% real cheese! It says so right on the box! What a time to be alive. I’ve always been a fan of the original Cheez-It Cheddar; it’s a good alternative to potato chips. Cheddar Jack is a good flavor, it is worth trying out, but original, Tobasco and the party mix are better. Cheez-Its are good for game nights or small get-togethers; a box for yourself usually goes stale because you don’t eat them all the time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 10, 2012 · 10:35 am

Skittles Original

Taste the Rainbow. Compare it to Skittles. Skittles taste better right? And who eats rainbows? Gay Unicorns. That’s beside the point. Skittles are the OG fruity chewy bite-sized candies. If you are ever in doubt what candy to bring to the movie theater, you can’t go wrong with a pack of Skittles. They look a little like M&Ms but they have an “S” and not an “M” on them. S&M… just realized that. Maybe we can make t-shirts of that, anyone down? They have a few standard flavors: strawberry, orange, lemon, lime, and grape. Skittles rock, I can’t imagine my childhood without this essential candy.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 9, 2012 · 8:53 am

Skittles Blenders

The classic fruity chewy bite-sized candies get a flavor upgrade – a crazy blended fruit flavor upgrade. They have interesting names like Strawberry Lime Blast, Melon Berry Burst, Watermelon Green Apple Freeze, Mango Lemonade Freeze and Cherry Tropicolada. I don’t know what Mad Food Scientist came up with those stupid names. Melon Berries sound like something Willy Wonka would invent. How are room temperature candies being called Freeze? And Tropicolada is too much of an extreme hybrid pun, it is way too clever for me. If you like Crazy Core or Wildberry Skittles you will like the Blenders.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 5, 2012 · 8:54 am

Mambas

Mambas are little fruity chewy candies, similar to Starbursts. They are rectangular and grouped together by flavor. There are four flavors: raspberry, orange, lemon and strawberry. The catch is that there are only 3 different flavors in each pack, so its always a gamble that you wont get your favorite flavor. I guess that’s half the fun. It’s like candy for compulsive gamblers. If you like Starbursts or fruity candy in general, you would like Mamba. I wouldn’t lie to you about something as trivial as this. Just try them. Don’t make a scene.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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February 22, 2012 · 8:49 am

Lay’s Garden Tomato and Basil

Lay’s classic potato chips get a slight flavor boost. It is reminiscent of a margherita pizza. It’s like they dehydrated a pizza sauce or Ragu or something and added that to chips. Try them, you might like them. I’ll stick to normal flavors like sea salt and salt & pepper and salt & vinegar. American flavors.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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February 21, 2012 · 9:10 am

Doritos Salsa Verde

This is pretty good junk food. The salsa verde flavor is nice and a medium amount of spicy. It’s a good idea to have a beer or soda with it to wash it down. You’re going to have greasy chip fingers when you’re done. Doritos are definitely jean stainers.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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February 19, 2012 · 8:58 am

Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream

Ben & Jerry’s presents this vanilla ice cream with fudge covered pieces of waffle cone and swirls of caramel. The fudge coating keeps the cones nice and crispy. This is a very sweet and delicious ice cream with a nice crunchy texture. All in all, it is a good frozen treat. The American Dream might be dead, but this is an adequate substitute.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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February 18, 2012 · 9:57 am

Kettle Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper

These are Krinkle kut Kettle chips in a nice normal flavor. It is not too salty, and it has just the right amount of pepper. It’s good tasting and a great introduction to Kettle brand natural potato chips. These are pretty much the exact opposite of the potato chip spectrum from processed and perfectly formed Pringles. Kettle chips are legit and you deserve to try them. You earned it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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February 16, 2012 · 9:53 am

Kettle Brand Sweet Onion

First off, these are not krinkled like the better Kettle chips. That’s a few points lost right there. And it loses a few more points for the unusual taste. I didn’t know that sweet onion was a desirable flavor for a potato chip. I didn’t know that people were demanding a chip that was reminiscent of sweet onions. It seems like it would be weird tasting. And so I tried it, and it is weird tasting. It tastes vaguely of sweet onions I guess, and so if you like sweet onions and want to taste a potato chip that tastes like that, you might like these chips. Maybe.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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February 14, 2012 · 9:36 am

Planters Salted Peanuts

Planters sells nuts. Salted and shelled peanuts in this case. According to the ingredients, it contains peanuts and peanut oil. If you are allergic to peanuts I would not recommend them. If you like peanuts and your doctor says it is ok for you to eat them, then I would recommend them. Peanuts are good, and Planters knows how to salt a peanut and make a good thing even better. Good job with these nuts.

Critically Rated at 13/17.

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February 13, 2012 · 8:49 am

Munchies Flamin’ Hot

So it is 2:37 AM, you’re stoned at 7-Eleven endlessly debating what to munchies to get, when you discover a bag that literally says MUNCHIES on it, and you know that it was meant to be. Munchies Flamin’ Hot has Flamin’ Hot Cheetos,  Baja Picante Sun Chips, Salsa Doritos, and Rold Gold Pretzels. The Doritos and Sun Chips have a little spicy kick to them, but nothing compared to the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. The Cheetos will make you sweat under your eyes. Even the little pretzels are kind of hot from all the second hand spice from the hotter munchies. A great choice when you can’t choose.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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February 10, 2012 · 12:03 pm

Goldfish Cheddar

Ahhhh delicious Goldfish crackers, a staple of childhood. Good crunchy, cheddar cheese flavored crackers shaped like little fishies. Some of them are even smiling. There’s a few ways to eat them. You can shove a whole handful in your mouth, you can eat them one at a time. The most fun way is to either bite off their head or tail first just to make them suffer a little bit. If you have true masticative skills you can bite them cleanly in half, so you have two symmetric half fish. Not greasy, but you will have some finger residue if you eat a lot of them.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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February 6, 2012 · 9:09 am

Precious Stringsters

Ahhhh, string cheese, a lunchbox staple. I prefer mozzarella string cheese over the other varieties. You can peel fat strings or thin strings. This is a really cheesy, really stringy string cheese and is that what we want from our string cheese? The only bad side is when the cheese is a little past its prime and it is more chunky that peel-able. Gross.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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February 5, 2012 · 9:45 am

Ben & Jerry’s Banana Split

Banana and strawberry ice cream with walnuts, fudge chunks and fudge swirls. Seriously though, two different fruity ice cream flavors would be awesome enough, but throw in the crunch and chew that the fudge and nuts give, and you have an amazing texture. This tastes like a banana split. That’s what they were going for, so kudos to them.

Critically Rated at 12/17.

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February 3, 2012 · 8:53 am

IHOP

In case you just got out from under your rock, IHOP stands for the International House of Pancakes. It is a restaurant chain that specializes in breakfast foods, primarily pancakes.  They forgot how to make a decent pancake about 13 years ago though.

If I go to IHOP I get the Rooty Tooty, Fresh and Fruity even though I hate ordering it. You get 2 mediocre pancakes with your choice of ‘fruit’ topping, eggs, 2 sausage links and 2 strips of bacon. Last time I was there, I ate my eggs, bacon and sausage but could only force half the pancakes down my gullet. The girls I was with ordered only pancakes and hated them. My friend Sarah says the omelettes and waffles are amaze balls, so if you go to IHOP, get a waffle.

If your restaurant specializes in pancakes you should at least make them edible. You get some points for being better than Denny’s, but that is not hard to do. It is cool you stay open 24 hours or close super late in smaller markets, but you have to have decent food or you’re wasting my time. Tastes better when you’re drunk, but then again most things are.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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